SCENE I.

_An Inn._

_Enter_ BONIFACE, _running.--Bar Bell rings._

_Bon._ Chamberlain! Maid! Cherry! Daughter Cherry! All asleep? all dead?

_Enter_ CHERRY, _running_.

_Cher._ Here! here! Why d'ye bawl so, father? d'ye think we have no ears?

_Bon._ You deserve to have none, you young minx:--The company of the Warrington coach has stood in the hall this hour, and nobody to show them to their chambers.

_Cher._ And let them wait, father;--there's neither red coat in the coach, nor footman behind it.

_Bon._ But they threaten to go to another inn to-night.

_Cher._ That they dare not, for fear the coachman should overturn them to-morrow--[_Ringing._] Coming! coming!--Here's the London coach arrived.

_Enter several_ PEOPLE _with Trunks, Bandboxes, and other Luggage, and cross the Stage_.

_Bon._ Welcome ladies.

_Cher._ Very welcome, gentlemen----Chamberlain, show the lion and the rose. [_Exit with the_ COMPANY.

_Enter_ AIMWELL, _in a Riding Habit_, ARCHER _as Footman, carrying a Portmanteau_.

_Bon._ This way, this way, gentlemen.

_Aim._ Set down the things; go to the stable, and see my horses well rubbed.

_Arch._ I shall, sir. [_Exit._

_Aim._ You're my landlord, I suppose?

_Bon._ Yes, sir, I'm old Will Boniface, pretty well known upon this road, as the saying is.

_Aim._ O, Mr. Boniface, your servant.

_Bon._ O, sir,----what will your honour please to drink, as the saying is?

_Aim._ I have heard your town of Litchfield much famed for ale, I think: I'll taste that.

_Bon._ Sir, I have now in my cellar ten tun of the best ale in Staffordshire; 'tis smooth as oil, sweet as milk, clear as amber, and strong as brandy, and will be just fourteen years old the fifth day of next March.

_Aim._ You are very exact, I find, in the age of your ale.

_Bon._ As punctual, sir, as I am in the age of my children: I'll show you such ale----Here, tapster, broach number 1792, as the saying is:----Sir, you shall taste my Anno Domini----I have lived in Litchfield, man and boy, above eight and fifty years, and I believe have not consumed eight and fifty ounces of meat.

_Aim._ At a meal, you mean, if one may guess your sense by your bulk.

_Bon._ Not in my life, sir; I have fed purely upon ale: I have eat my ale, drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale.

_Enter_ TAPSTER, _with a Tankard_.

Now, sir, you shall see: your worship's health: ha! delicious, delicious----fancy it Burgundy, only fancy it, and 'tis worth ten shillings a quart.

_Aim._ [_Drinks._] 'Tis confounded strong.

_Bon._ Strong! it must be so; or how would we be strong that drink it?

_Aim._ And have you lived so long upon this ale, landlord?

_Bon._ Eight and fifty years, upon my credit, sir; but it killed my wife, poor woman, as the saying is.

_Aim._ How came that to pass?

_Bon._ I don't know how, sir; she would not let the ale take its natural course, sir: she was for qualifying it every now and then with a dram, as the saying is, and an honest gentleman, that came this way from Ireland, made her a present of a dozen bottles of Usquebaugh----but the poor woman was never well after; but, however, I was obliged to the gentleman, you know.

_Aim._ Why, was it the Usquebaugh that killed her?

_Bon._ My Lady Bountiful said so--she, good lady, did what could be done; she cured her of three tympanies, but the fourth carried her off; but she's happy, and I'm contented, as the saying is.

_Aim._ Who's that Lady Bountiful, you mentioned?

_Bon._ 'Ods my life, sir, we'll drink her health. [_Drinks._] My Lady Bountiful is one of the best of women: her last husband, Sir Charles Bountiful, left her worth a thousand pounds a year; and I believe she lays out one half on't in charitable uses, for the good of her neighbours: she cures all disorders incidental to men, women and children; in short, she has cured more people in and about Litchfield within ten years, than the doctors have killed in twenty, and that's a bold word.

_Aim._ Has the lady been any other way useful in her generation?

_Bon._ Yes, sir, she has a daughter by Sir Charles, the finest woman in all our country, and the greatest fortune: she has a son too by her first husband, 'Squire Sullen, who married a fine lady from London t'other day; if you please, sir, we'll drink his health.

_Aim._ What sort of a man is he?

_Bon._ Why, sir, the man's well enough; says little, thinks less, and does--nothing at all, 'faith: but he's a man of great estate, and values nobody.

_Aim._ A sportsman, I suppose?

_Bon._ Yes, sir, he's a man of pleasure; he plays at whist, and smokes his pipe eight-and-forty hours together sometimes.

_Aim._ A fine sportsman truly! and married, you say?

_Bon._ Ay, and to a curious woman, sir--but he's a---- He wants it here, sir. [_Pointing to his Forehead._

_Aim._ He has it there, you mean.

_Bon._ That's none of my business; he's my landlord, and so a man, you know, would not----but I'cod he's no better than--sir, my humble service to you. [_Drinks._] Though I value not a farthing what he can do to me; I pay him his rent at quarter day; I have a good running trade; I have but one daughter, and I can give her--but no matter for that.

_Aim._ You are very happy, Mr. Boniface; pray what other company have you in town?

_Bon._ A power of fine ladies; and then we have the French Officers.

_Aim._ O that's right, you have a good many of those gentlemen: pray how do you like their company?

_Bon._ So well, as the saying is, that I could wish we had as many more of them; they are full of money, and pay double for every thing they have; they know, sir, that we paid good round taxes for the taking of them, and so they are willing to reimburse us a little; one of them lodges in my house.

_Enter_ ARCHER.

_Arch._ Landlord, there are some French Gentlemen below, that ask for you.

_Bon._ I'll wait on them----Does your master stay long in town, as the saying is? [_To_ ARCHER.

_Arch._ I can't tell, as the saying is.

_Bon._ Come from London?

_Arch._ No!

_Bon._ Going to London, mayhap?

_Arch._ No!

_Bon._ An odd fellow this; [_Bar Bell rings._] I beg your worship's pardon, I'll wait on you in half a minute. [_Exit._

_Aim._ The coast's clear, I see--Now, my dear Archer, welcome to Litchfield!

_Arch._ I thank thee, my dear brother in iniquity.

_Aim._ Iniquity! pr'ythee, leave canting; you need not change your style with your dress.

_Arch._ Don't mistake me, Aimwell, for 'tis still my maxim, that there's no scandal like rags, nor any crimes so shameful as poverty. Men must not be poor; idleness is the root of all evil; the world's wide enough, let them bustle; fortune has taken the weak under her protection, but men of sense are left to their industry.

_Aim._ Upon which topic we proceed, and, I think, luckily hitherto: would not any man swear now, that I am a man of quality, and you my servant, when, if our intrinsic value were known----

_Arch._ Come, come, we are the men of intrinsic value, who can strike our fortunes out of ourselves, whose worth is independent of accidents in life, or revolutions in government: we have heads to get money, and hearts to spend it.

_Aim._ As to our hearts, I grant ye, they are as willing tits as any within twenty degrees; but I can have no great opinion of our heads, from the service they have done us hitherto, unless it be that they brought us from London hither to Litchfield, made me a lord, and you my servant.

_Arch._ That's more than you could expect already, but what money have we left?

_Aim._ But two hundred pounds.

_Arch._ And our horses, clothes, rings, &c. Why we have very good fortunes now for moderate people; and let me tell you, that this two hundred pounds, with the experience that we are now masters of, is a better estate than the ten thousand we have spent----Our friends indeed began to suspect that our pockets were low, but we came off with flying colours, showed no signs of want either in word or deed.

_Aim._ Ay, and our going to Brussels was a good pretence enough for our sudden disappearing; and, I warrant you, our friends imagine, that we are gone a volunteering.

_Arch._ Why 'faith if this project fails, it must e'en come to that. I am for venturing one of the hundreds, if you will, upon this knight errantry; but in the case it should fail, we'll reserve the other to carry us to some counterscarp, where we may die as we lived, in a blaze.

_Aim._ With all my heart, and we have lived justly, Archer; we can't say that we have spent our fortunes, but that we have enjoyed them.

_Arch._ Right; so much pleasure for so much money; we have had our pennyworths; and had I millions, I would go to the same market again. O London, London! well, we have had our share, and let us be thankful: past pleasures, for aught I know, are best; such we are sure of; those to come may disappoint us, but you command for the day, and so I submit:--At Nottingham, you know, I am to be master.

_Aim._ And at Lincoln, I again.

_Arch._ Then, at Norwich, I mount, which, I think, shall be our last stage; for, if we fail there, we'll embark for Holland, bid adieu to Venus, and welcome Mars.

_Aim._ A match--

_Enter_ BONIFACE.

Mum.

_Bon._ What will your worship please to have for supper?

_Aim._ What have you got?

_Bon._ Sir, we have a delicate piece of beef in the pot, and a pig at the fire.

_Aim._ Good supper meat, I must confess----I can't eat beef, landlord.

_Arch._ And I hate pig.

_Aim._ Hold your prating, sirrah! do you know who you are? [_Aside._

_Bon._ Please to bespeak something else; I have every thing in the house.

_Aim._ Have you any veal?

_Bon._ Veal, sir! we had a delicate loin of veal on Wednesday last.

_Aim._ Have you got any fish, or wild fowl?

_Bon._ As for fish, truly, sir, we are an inland town, and indifferently provided with fish, that's the truth on't; but then for wild fowl!--We have a delicate couple of rabbits.

_Aim._ Get me the rabbits fricasseed.

_Bon._ Fricasseed! Lard, sir, they'll eat much better smothered with onions.

_Arch._ Pshaw! Rot your onions.

_Aim._ Again, sirrah;----Well, landlord, what you please; but hold, I have a small charge of money, and your house is so full of strangers, that I believe it may be safer in your custody than mine; for when this fellow of mine gets drunk, he minds nothing--Here, sirrah, reach me the strong box.

_Arch._ Yes, sir,----this will give us reputation. [_Aside.--Brings the Box._

_Aim._ Here, landlord, the locks are sealed down, both for your security and mine; it holds somewhat above two hundred pounds; if you doubt it, I'll count it to you after supper: But be sure you lay it where I may have it at a minute's warning: for my affairs are a little dubious at present; perhaps I may be gone in half an hour, perhaps I may be your guest till the best part of that be spent; and pray order your ostler to keep my horses ready saddled: But one thing above the rest I must beg, that you would let this fellow have none of your Anno Domini, as you call it;--for he's the most insufferable sot----Here, sirrah, light me to my chamber.

_Arch._ Yes, sir! [_Exit, lighted by_ ARCHER.

_Bon._ Cherry, daughter Cherry.

_Enter_ CHERRY.

_Cher._ D'ye call, father?

_Bon._ Ay, child, you must lay by this box for the gentleman, 'tis full of money.

_Cher._ Money! all that money! why sure, father, the gentleman comes to be chosen parliament man. Who is he?

_Bon._ I don't know what to make of him; he talks of keeping his horses ready saddled, and of going, perhaps, at a minute's warning; or of staying, perhaps, till the best part of this be spent.

_Cher._ Ay! ten to one, father, he's a highwayman.

_Bon._ A highwayman! upon my life, girl, you have hit it, and this box is some new purchased booty.--Now, could we find him out, the money were ours.

_Cher._ He don't belong to our gang.

_Bon._ What horses have they?

_Cher._ The master rides upon a black.

_Bon._ A black! ten to one the man upon the black mare: and since he don't belong to our fraternity, we may betray him with a safe conscience: I don't think it lawful to harbour any rogues but my own. Lookye, child, as the saying is, we must go cunningly to work; proofs we must have; the gentleman's servant loves drink; I'll ply him that way, and ten to one he loves a wench; you must work him t'other way.

_Cher._ Father, would you have me give my secret for his?

_Bon._ Consider, child, there's two hundred pound, to boot. [_Ringing without._] Coming, coming--child, mind your business. [_Exit_ BONIFACE.

_Cher._ What a rogue is my father! My father! I deny it----My mother was a good, generous, free-hearted woman, and I can't tell how far her goodnature might have extended for the good of her children. This landlord of mine, for I think I can call him no more, would betray his guest, and debauch his daughter into the bargain,----by a footman too!

_Enter_ ARCHER.

_Arch._ What footman, pray, mistress, is so happy as to be the subject of your contemplation?

_Cher._ Whoever he is, friend, he'll be but little the better for't.

_Arch._ I hope so, for, I'm sure, you did not think of me.

_Cher._ Suppose I had?

_Arch._ Why then you're but even with me; for the minute I came in, I was considering in what manner I should make love to you.

_Cher._ Love to me, friend!

_Arch._ Yes, child.

_Cher._ Child! manners; if you kept a little more distance, friend, it would become you much better.

_Arch._ Distance! good night, saucebox. [_Going._

_Cher._ A pretty fellow; I like his pride.--Sir--pray, sir--you see, sir. [ARCHER _returns_.] I have the credit to be entrusted with your master's fortune here, which sets me a degree above his footman; I hope, sir, you an't affronted.

_Arch._ Let me look you full in the face, and I'll tell you whether you can affront me or no.----'Sdeath, child, you have a pair of delicate eyes, and you don't know what to do with them.

_Cher._ Why, sir, don't I see every body!

_Arch._ Ay, but if some women had them, they would kill every body.----Pr'ythee instruct me; I would fain make love to you, but I don't know what to say.

_Cher._ Why, did you never make love to any body before?

_Arch._ Never to a person of your figure, I can assure you, madam; my addresses have been always confined to people within my own sphere, I never aspired so high before. [ARCHER _sings_.

_But you look so bright, And are dress'd so tight, That a man would swear you're right, As arm was e'er laid over._

_Cher._ Will you give me that song, sir?

_Arch._ Ay, my dear, take it while it is warm. [_Kisses her._] Death and fire! her lips are honeycombs.

_Cher._ And I wish there had been a swarm of bees too, to have stung you for your impudence.

_Arch._ There's a swarm of Cupids, my little Venus, that has done the business much better.

_Cher._ This fellow is misbegotten, as well as I. [_Aside._] What's your name, sir?

_Arch._ Name! egad, I have forgot it. [_Aside._] Oh, Martin.

_Cher._ Where were you born?

_Arch._ In St. Martin's parish.

_Cher._ What was your father?

_Arch._ Of--of--St. Martin's parish.

_Cher._ Then, friend, goodnight.

_Arch._ I hope not.

_Cher._ You may depend upon't.

_Arch._ Upon what?

_Cher._ That you're very impudent.

_Arch._ That you're very handsome.

_Cher._ That you're a footman.

_Arch._ That you're an angel.

_Cher._ I shall be rude.

_Arch._ So shall I.

_Cher._ Let go my hand.

_Arch._ Give me a kiss. [_Kisses her._

_Boniface._ [_Calls without._] Cherry, Cherry!

_Cher._ I'm----My father calls; you plaguy devil, how durst you stop my breath so?--Offer to follow me one step, if you dare. [_Exit._

_Arch._ A fair challenge, by this light; this is a pretty fair opening of an adventure; but we are knight-errants, and so fortune be our guide! [_Exit._

ACT THE SECOND.