Part 6

"My anger was aroused, but I felt that I still held a trump card. With a flourish of my arm I drew my cheque-book and waved it in the air.

"'Let us waste no time in bandying idle words,' I said. 'I am here and I wish to stay here; but I am willing to make it worth your while to go.' For I had guessed that money, and not honour, was the object of Colorado Charlie's expedition; and his next words showed that I had guessed rightly.

"'How much, sonnie?' he asked me curtly.

"I ran my eye rapidly over the counterfoils to calculate the balance standing to my credit.

"'Sixty-one thousand two hundred and ninety-nine dollars,' I replied.

"'Right, sonnie. Hand up the draft.'

"I gave it to him and once more breathed freely. He did not hurry like the Nicaraguans, but strolled off slowly towards the bank with about a dozen members of his company. The others remained, presumably to keep an eye upon my movements. I invited them to drink my health--a thing which, otherwise, they would doubtless have done without my invitation--and promised to treat them generously as soon as I had the opportunity of cabling to New York for further funds. The idea appealed to them; they were all willing to enlist under my banner. My cup of glory and happiness was full.

"And then Colorado Charlie re-entered and dashed it from my lips.

"'It's no use, sonnie. You've got to git,' he said, handing me back my cheque.

"I protested energetically.

"'They refuse to honour my cheque?' I exclaimed. 'There is some mistake here. Come round to the bank with me and we will see the manager.'

"Without further circumlocution he blurted out the truth.

"'There ain't no manager, sonnie, and there ain't no bank. Seems you've been dealing out drafts very freely all the morning, and the holders have lost no time in cashing them. The sight of the crowd outside the bank doors created a panic among the inhabitants. They started a run on the bank for the purpose of withdrawing their deposits, and the resources were unequal to the strain.'

"'You mean to say----'

"'I mean to say that the bank is broke. The manager and the clerks have gone up country on important business, and a deputation of the leading citizens is now engaged in breaking up the premises.'

"So I perceived that I had played my trump card without result. I gasped and my head fell forward on my chest. Then I made an effort and pulled myself together. Though I had lost everything else, there was no reason why I should lose my dignity as well.

"'I bow to fate,' I said. 'I yield to circumstances. History will do justice to my memory. In the meantime, sooner than be a cause of bloodshed and dissension, I agree to abdicate.'

"'Is abdicate the same as git?' asked Colorado Charlie.

"I answered that the difference between the two things was immaterial; and, dipping my pen with dignity in the inkpot, I slowly wrote as follows:--

"'_In order to save my country from the unspeakable horrors of a civil war, I hereby abdicate the position of President to which I was about to be called on Sunday next by the unfettered choice of the free and independent citizens of the Republic of Nicaragua. Je ne boude pas; je me recueille._

'_Given under my hand and seal._

'JEAN ANTOINE STROMBOLI KOSNAPULSKI.'

"It was done. Colorado Charlie took up the paper, and read it through and expressed his satisfaction.

"'That's the notion, sonnie,' he said. 'Shake hands on it, to show there's no ill feeling'; and when I merely bowed stiffly, holding my hand behind my back, he added--

"'Well, never mind about that, sonnie. I understand your feelings. Anyhow, I'm going to give you a free passage back to Frisco; and if you think that 500 dollars will be of any use to you----'

"Though my pride was in revolt, I fought it down and took the money, knowing that, if I did not take it, I should land in San Francisco penniless--a contingency which it was desirable to avoid at any cost.

"And so my adventure ended--sad, yet leaving a trail of glorious memory behind it. For I had made a revolution single-handed, and enjoyed from twelve to three o'clock in the afternoon the dignity of President of a Republic."

THE MAN WITH THE ULTIMATUM.

Stromboli burst in upon me in a state of exceptional excitement. "Listen!" he cried, gesticulating energetically; and I answered that I had anticipated his wishes and was already listening.

"I have news for you," he continued.

"What news?" I asked.

"I was already telling you when you interrupted me," he replied. "I have had an idea, and with the rapidity of genius I have carried it into execution."

"What sort of idea?"

"_Voyons_! an idea that was at once brilliant and simple. Let me explain."

"By all means do so."

"Then listen! The great popularity of the stories which I have been telling you inspired me with the idea. It occurred to me, while I was occupied with my toilet, that I might profitably address a larger audience. I completed my toilet. I put on my hat. I chased an omnibus. It conveyed me to the Waterloo Road, where I descended from it."

"A strange neighbourhood to seek," I interposed.

"You think so? But I had my plan. I descended from the omnibus at a door whereupon was a brass plate bearing the words, 'Musical and Dramatic Agent.'"

"Heavens!" I ejaculated, beginning to understand, and Stromboli proceeded--

"The door was open, and I walked in. I found myself in an antechamber, surrounded by men with blue chins, and young women with blue eyes and fair hair, who stared at me curiously. I took no more notice of them than if they had been waxwork models, but walked on to another door, leading to an inner room. A young man--a clerk of some kind--presumed to bar my progress. I swept him before me and so forced my passage into the presence of the 'Dramatic and Musical Agent.'"

"I presume," I said, "that the 'Dramatic and Musical Agent' was surprised to see you."

"Naturally. 'Who the dickens are you, sir?' was his brusque but kindly greeting. 'Who should I be but Jean Antoine Stromboli Kosnapulski?' I replied. 'What do you want here?' he asked inquisitively. 'I am here to do business with you to our mutual advantage,' I explained. And with that I sat down affably in his arm-chair and engaged him in a serious conversation."

"What!" I explained. "You don't mean to tell me that you are going on the music-halls in the character of a performing Revolutionist?"

Stromboli seemed hurt.

"It has been arranged," he said, "that I am to give a series of lectures on my experiences at certain Palaces of Varieties. The general title of the series is to be, 'Disturbances that I have Made.' It is not precisely what I contemplated in my youth; but it is a way, like another, of making provision for my age."

"Precisely," I said, seeing that it was useless to argue with him. "With which of your thrilling experiences are you meaning to begin?"

"With a certain further experience of a Central American republic," Stromboli answered.

"Your exploits in that quarter of the world do not seem to have been of a very satisfactory character," I objected.

"I certainly had my ups and downs there," Stromboli admitted. "Central America is a place where the unexpected happens on the smallest provocation. But that, I take it, is no disadvantage from the story-teller's point of view."

I frankly allowed that it was not.

"Then I will tell my new audiences," said Stromboli, "how I once acted, in Central America, in the capacity of a diplomatic representative of Her Britannic Majesty."

"Good," said I. "Will you rehearse the lecture now?"

"It is for that very purpose that I have come to see you," said Stromboli.

"Proceed," said I, and he proceeded with

THE ADVENTURE OF THE MAN WITH THE ULTIMATUM.

"It has to be admitted--it has been admitted--that my experiences as President of the Republic of Nicaragua were not entirely to my satisfaction. It was also easy for me to perceive that they were likely to entail a coolness between myself and the confiding capitalist whose money I had spent--a thing to be avoided if I hoped to have the spending of more of his money at some future time.

"'This must not be,' I said to myself. 'Something must turn up--if not in Nicaragua, then elsewhere. There are other Central American republics besides Nicaragua, and in all of them the career is open to the talents. But the adventure in which I next engage must not be one involving the outlay of large sums of ready money, seeing that five hundred dollars is my present worldly wealth.'

"Even as I was soliloquising, my opportunity occurred. Without immodesty I may take some credit to myself for having recognised that opportunity at a glance. The man who introduced it to my notice did not; but, as I required his help, I soon explained it to him.

"His name was Captain Shagg--which, when you come to think of it, is every bit as good a name as Cavendish--and he commanded the little trading steamer on which Colorado Charlie had given me my free passage back to San Francisco. Hardly had we cleared Managua Harbour than he began to beguile the time by passing criticisms on Central American republics generally.

"'They're lively places, sir, lively places. They may not be caught in the great whirlpool of European complications; but they don't stagnate, sir, they don't stagnate. If anyone was to come alongside and ask them to stagnate, I sort of reckon they'd say they'd see him hanged first. Here in Nicaragua they seem to be raising Cain with the generous help of imported Amurrican citizens. Over in Salvador, from what they tell me, they're raising Cain by their own individual efforts.'

"'This is very interesting,' I said. 'What's happening in San Salvador?'

"'A revolution, sir--with trimmings.'

"'With what?' I repeated.

"'With trimmings, sir. And when I say trimmings, I mean shootings. And I also mean destruction of property and outrages on British and Amurrican subjects.'

"'Did you hear the story in any detail, captain?' I inquired.

"'Detail, sir? Yards of it, from a dago employed in the Amurrican Consulate, who deserted his duties and came along here because he was peaceably inclined. He told me that the American Consul was all right, having started for his annual holiday just before the bust up began, but the British Vice-Consul had his house wrecked and escaped to the mountains in his nightshirt. He was only a dago, so I suppose the other dagos thought they could do what they liked with him.'

"'And has the British Navy no word to say?' I interposed, and Captain Shagg replied reflectively.

"'Wal,' he said, 'I guess there'll be a tea party, not to say a picnic, when the British Navy comes along. But it ain't there yet, and in the meantime the dago in the nightshirt will be taking cold. Strange as it may seem, the Pacific Squadron is not permanently stationed off the coast of Salvador."

"The outlines of my scheme had already begun to sketch themselves in my brain.

"'I'll put another question to you, captain,' I said. 'A well-informed man like yourself might know where the nearest British cruiser or gunboat is, and how soon it is likely to arrive.'

"Captain Shagg mopped his brow and spat upon the deck, as is the habit of American seafarers when engaged in thought.

"'So far as I know,' he answered, 'the nearest British gunboat is way down off Colombia. When it arrives at Libertad will nat'rally depend upon when it starts. Anyhow, I reckon it won't come alongside quite so soon as the dago in the nightshirt would like to see it. And I also reckon that dago wants to see it just as badly as he ever wanted to see anything.'

"'You think it likely, then,' I continued, 'that we shall be off Libertad before the gunboat?'

"'Why, certainly,' said Captain Shagg.

"Then I was able to fill in the outlines of my scheme.

"'_Voyons_!' I said, 'the voice of duty calls. It would be possible, I take it, to make such alterations in the appearance of this steamer as would cause it to be mistaken for a gunboat by persons whose acquaintance with gunboats was not particularly extensive?'

"The captain spat again on the deck. He also half closed one of his eyes and concentrated the other upon me.

"'Stranger,' he said, 'I reckon that you did not put that question to me merely out of idle curiosity.'

"I half closed one of my own eyes, and admitted that I had been actuated by a higher motive.

"'You have a notion, likely?' he continued.

"'I do not waste words,' I rejoined impatiently. 'I do not talk for the sake of talking. I am Jean Antoine----'

"'Jest so,' said Captain Shagg. 'You have a notion. I have no notions myself, but I have grit. And I'm a judge of notions--more particularly over a glass of rum. The rum, stranger, is in my cabin.'

"He led the way to his cabin, and I followed him. He produced the rum, and would not let me follow up the subject until we had both drunk two stiff glasses of it, explaining that, for a proper appreciation of notions a clear head was necessary. Then, having filled the glasses for the third time, he got to business.

"'Now, stranger, what is your notion?' he inquired encouragingly.

"I answered by repeating my previous question--

"'I must first know whether you can do anything to this steamer to make it pass, at a reasonable distance, and among comparatively ignorant people, for a gunboat.'

"'Wal, yes,' said Captain Shagg. 'There's Union Jacks; there's paint; there's timber to make dummy guns. Allowing that it was worth while, I reckon it could be done. But what's your notion, stranger?'

"I explained that my notion was that we should disguise the trading steamer as a gunboat, fly the Union Jack, and proceed to the port of Libertad as the plenipotentiary representatives of the British Government.

"Captain Shagg tossed off his glass of rum and shook hands with me in his enthusiasm. "'_And_ bring off the dago in the nightshirt? _And_ arrest the President? _And_ drill a hole in him if he argues? Sir, your notion is equally creditable to your heart and to your head. Sir, it appeals to my chivalrous instincts as an Amurrican citizen. Sir, I tumble.'

"I was not positive that he had caught my meaning quite so completely as he fancied. For, as you shall see, the rescue of the British Vice-Consul was not the only object that I had in view. As I had secured his co-operation, however, it seemed superfluous to puzzle him with further details, lest he should raise objections. It would be better, I felt, to spring those details on him later, when there was no time for argument. In the meantime we had plenty to do in deciding how certain obvious obstacles should be overcome.

"First of all, I suggested, there were the feelings of the crew to be considered; but it appeared that this difficulty was not serious.

"'You leave the crew to me, stranger,' said Captain Shagg. 'They're spoiling for a fight, every man of them; and if they weren't, I'd put a sense of dooty into them till they were.'

"Thus reassured, I lifted my hat and bowed in homage to this terrible disciplinarian. He acknowledged the compliment by filling up my glass, and then raised an objection of his own.

"'Those dagos aren't very spry, he said, 'but they aren't absolute durned fools, either, and it's more than likely they'll expect us to show some sort of papers, just by way of proving who we are, more especially as you yourself, if I may say so, look more like a Smoky Mountain prophet than a British naval officer.'

"This time it was my turn to acknowledge a compliment and reassure the captain.

"'What can have led you to imagine that I propose to figure in the ridiculous light of an ambassador without credentials? It would be too absurd. Of course we shall present credentials.'

"'Wal, we ain't got the real thing aboard this ship, anyhow, I reckon,' said Captain Shagg; and his stupidity amazed me.

"'Do you imagine that the newly elected provisional President of the Republic of Salvador would be likely to recognise the real thing if it were shown to him?' I retorted.

"Maybe not,' said the captain, cautiously. 'But I'd guess it's likely there'd be somebody mouching around who'd recognise the substitute.'

"'You think so?'

"'Wal, why no? There's the ship's papers--they'd know those. There's the log-book--they'd know that. There's my master's certificate--that won't flummox 'em, either.'

"He was apparently intending to recite the complete list of more or less official documents on board his vessel; but I interrupted him impatiently, drawing a document from my own pocket.

"'No doubt they would know those documents,' I said. 'No doubt they would also recognise your Post Office Savings Bank book, and your marriage settlement, and your receipts for harbour dues, and your tailor's bills, if those are documents which you are in the habit of carrying about with you. But do you suppose the average newly elected provisional President of the Republic of Salvador is likely to recognise this?'

"And I unfolded my paper, which was mounted on canvas, and read with solemn emphasis--

"_Dieu et Mon Droit_.

"_We, John, Earl of Kimberley, Baron Wodehouse, a Peer of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, and a Baronet, a Member of Her Britannic Majesty's Most Honourable Privy Council, a Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Her Majesty's Principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, etc., etc., etc._

"_Request and require in the name of Her Majesty all those whom it may concern to allow Jean Antoine Stromboli Kosnapulski (British subject) travelling on the Continent to pass freely without let or hindrance and to afford him every assistance and protection of which he may stand in need._

"_Given at the Foreign Office, London._

"The American skipper listened and was visibly impressed. It looked as though his eyeballs would start from their sockets in his astonishment. He banged the cabin table with his first, exclaiming--

"'Snakes alive, man! that is the real thing, ain't it?'

"I explained that it was merely an ordinary Foreign Office passport, which I had acquired through my banker when, for a brief period, I had a bank account in London; but Captain Shagg was not disheartened.

"'Wal,' he said, 'it bluffed me, anyhow. And I conclude that what is good enough to bluff me is good enough to bluff the dagos. I'm with you, stranger, in your gallant enterprise. Full speed ahead!'

"I further pointed out that, in order to carry conviction to the eye as well as to the ear, the credentials of an envoy extraordinary and minister plenipotentiary must be tied up in green ribbon and fastened with green sealing-wax; and Captain Shagg, with the natural adroitness of the sailor man, showed me how this could be managed.

"'I have no ribbon,' he said, 'but I can make some out of the lining of my hat. I have no green sealing-wax, but I have plenty of green paint. It won't be the real thing, any more than the papers are, but it will be near enough for the dagos. And now we'll pipe all hands on deck and tell the crew just what it's needful they should know."

"So, our plan being arranged, the preparations for carrying it through were set in hand at once. We hove to in mid-ocean and gave the ship a new coating of black paint; we holystoned the deck: we smartened up the vessel's rig; we painted some spare spars and fixed up dummy guns; we lettered H.M.S. _Terror_ on the caps of the crew of the gig; and we hoisted the Union Jack conspicuously.

"The result was satisfactory. I do not say we could have stood inspection by an admiral; but there was no admiral to inspect us. Captain Shagg, at any rate, was gratified and confident.

"''Tain't the real thing,' he repeated, 'but it's near enough to bluff the dagos. No dago will express doubts as to the genuineness of this show--more especially when he observes that my hand is deep down in my revolver pocket.'

"And he added, summing up the situation generally--

"'The proceedings may not be precisely regular, but they are regular enough for dagos. On an errand of mercy, for the purpose of rescuing a poor cuss catching cold on the hillside in his nightshirt, other considerations besides those of regularity must be weighed. I stand in with you, sir, in this enterprise, which, as I have remarked, does equal credit to your heart and to your head: and if, as I venture to anticipate, the British Government rewards you for your noble conduct, I look to stand in with you in that little matter also.'

"For Captain Shagg, as I have hinted, was less quick-witted than myself. He had not yet gathered in what manner I proposed to make the adventure profitable, and I did not think it necessary to inform him before the hour for taking profits came.

"As we conversed, however, we were quickly nearing the Port of Libertad, and the hour for stirring action was at hand.

"Steaming slowly, we selected a point of vantage from which, if our guns had been real guns, we could readily have shelled all the principal public buildings of the town--yet so far out that we could not be too critically examined. Then we manned a boat with the most presentable of our sailors and rowed ashore.

"'You do the palavering, stranger,' said Captain Shagg. 'When the shooting begins, I'll take a hand. I may not have the distinguished manners of an ambassador, but I am uncommonly quick on the draw.'

"'You have only to put your trust in me, and there will be no need for you to shoot,' I replied.

"'Shooting is a language that goes without the need of an interpreter,' Captain Shagg protested.

"'So is my Spanish,' I answered proudly.

"'Go ahead, then!' said the captain; and we went ahead.

"A courteous official in a ragged uniform received us on the quay. He represented the Custom-house, and inquired whether we had anything to declare.

"'Better shoot now, hadn't I, just to clear the air a bit?' whispered the captain under his breath; but I checked his enthusiasm with an authoritative gesture and explained the situation to the Custom-house official.

"The sight of the passport, with its green ribbon and green paint, impressed him as we had expected. He bowed like a footman and said he would summon a guard of honour to conduct us to the presence of the President. While we awaited the arrival of the guard of honour I conversed with him, in order to inform myself of the precise position of affairs.

"'I understand,' I said gravely, 'that there has lately been a change in the _personnel_ of your Executive. Be good enough to tell me exactly what has happened.'

"He told me, supplementing the story which I had heard from Captain Shagg. There had been a revolution--as I knew. A President named Gomez had been succeeded by a President named Gonzalez. As the President named Gomez had shown some reluctance to retire, the President named Gonzalez had been obliged to have him stood against a wall and shot. There had been other rioting, but order was now restored. The President named Gonzalez would unquestionably be very happy to receive the accredited representative of Her Britannic Majesty's Government, and regard it as a specially fortunate occurrence that he happened to be at Libertad at the moment of our arrival, so that he could see us there, without troubling us to travel to San Salvador.

"'The pleasure will be mutual,' I replied politely; and I had hardly made my answer before the guard of honour came.

"It consisted of ten ragged soldiers smoking cigarettes, and an officer, with plenty of tattered gold braid, smoking a Mexican cheroot. I showed the officer my embellished passport. He examined the outside of it, and, being satisfied that it was in order, introduced himself.