ACT III, SCENE I

CHARACTERS: Sir Anthony Absolute; Captain Absolute.

SCENE: The North Parade. Captain Absolute has discovered that the lady whom his father so peremptorily commanded him to marry is none other than Lydia Languish with whom he, under the name of Beverley, was plotting an elopement.

_Enter_ CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE

CAPT. A. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed!--Whimsical enough, 'faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters; however, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but I can assure him, it is very sincere.--So, so, here he comes. He looks plaguy gruff! [_Steps aside_.

_Enter_ SIR ANTHONY

SIR A. No--I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper--an obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! This is my return for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him--he's anybody's son for me--I never will see him more--never--never--never--never.

CAPT. A. Now for a penitential face! [_Comes forward_.

SIR A. Fellow, get out of my way!

CAPT. A. Sir, you see a penitent before you.

SIR A. I see an impudent scoundrel before me.

CAPT. A. A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.

SIR A. What's that?

CAPT. A. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

SIR A. Well, sir?

CAPT. A. I have been likewise weighing and balancing, what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

SIR A. Why, now you talk sense, absolute sense; I never heard anything more sensible in my life. Confound you, you shall be Jack again!

CAPT. A. I am happy in the appellation.

SIR A. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented me telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare! What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

CAPT. A. Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

SIR A. Worcestershire! No! Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop, and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment?

CAPT. A. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the name before. Yet, stay: I think I do recollect something. Languish, Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

SIR A. Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds, no!

CAPT. A. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

SIR A. Jack, Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

CAPT. A. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent: if I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire.

SIR A. Nay, but, Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! Not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! Oh, Jack, lips, smiling at their own discretion! and, if not smiling, more sweetly pouting, more lovely in sullenness! Then, Jack, her neck! Oh! Jack! Jack!

CAPT. A. And which is to be mine, sir; the niece, or the aunt?

SIR A. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.

CAPT. A. Not to please your father, sir?

SIR A. To please my father--zounds! not to please--Oh! my father? Oddso! yes, yes! if my father, indeed, had desired--that's quite another matter. Though he wasn't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

CAPT. A. I dare say not, sir.

SIR A. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

CAPT. A. Sir, I repeat it, if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind. Now, without being very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back; and though one eye may be very agreeable, yet, as the prejudice has always run in favor of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.

SIR A. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you are an anchorite! a vile, insensible stock! You a soldier! you're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life, I've a great mind to marry the girl myself!

CAPT. A. I am entirely at your disposal, sir; if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or if you should change your mind, and take the old lady, 'tis the same to me--I'll marry the niece.

SIR A. Upon my word, Jack, thou art either a very great hypocrite, or--but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie--I'm sure it must. Come, now, off with your demure face; come, confess, Jack, you have been lying, ha'nt you? You have been playing the hypocrite, hey? I'll never forgive you, if you ha'nt been lying and playing the hypocrite.

CAPT. A. I am sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you, should be so mistaken.

SIR A. Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me. I'll write a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean torch to you; come along, I'll never forgive you, if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience; if you don't, 'egad, I'll marry the girl myself! [_Exeunt._