Chapter 4

And he who insures this to me--oh, craven I were not to love him! Nay, rather the fish of the sea shall vacate the water they swim in, The stag quit his bountiful grove to graze in the ether above him, While folk antipodean rove along with their children and women!

MELIBOEUS (suddenly recalling his own misery).

But we who are exiled must go; and whither--ah, whither--God knoweth! Some into those regions of snow or of desert where Death reigneth only; Some off to the country of Crete, where rapid Oaxes down floweth; And desperate others retreat to Britain, the bleak isle and lonely. Dear land of my birth! shall I see the horde of invaders oppress thee? Shall the wealth that outspringeth from thee by the hand of the alien be squandered? Dear cottage wherein I was born! shall another in conquest possess thee, Another demolish in scorn the fields and the groves where I've wandered? My flock! nevermore shall you graze on that furze-covered hillside above me; Gone, gone are the halcyon days when my reed piped defiance to sorrow! Nevermore in the vine-covered grot shall I sing of the loved ones that love me,-- Let yesterday's peace be forgot in dread of the stormy to-morrow!

TITYRUS.

But rest you this night with me here; my bed,--we will share it together, As soon as you've tasted my cheer, my apples and chestnuts and cheeses; The evening already is nigh,--the shadows creep over the heather, And the smoke is rocked up to the sky to the lullaby song of the breezes.

PITTYPAT AND TIPPYTOE.

ALL day long they come and go,-- Pittypat and Tippytoe; Footprints up and down the hall, Playthings scattered on the floor, Finger-marks along the wall, Tell-tale streaks upon the door,-- By these presents you shall know Pittypat and Tippytoe.

How they riot at their play! And, a dozen times a day, In they troop, demanding bread,-- Only buttered bread will do, And that butter must be spread Inches thick with sugar too! Never yet have I said, "No, Pittypat and Tippytoe!"

Sometimes there are griefs to soothe, Sometimes ruffled brows to smooth; For--I much regret to say-- Tippytoe and Pittypat Sometimes interrupt their play With an internecine spat; Fie! oh, fie! to quarrel so, Pittypat and Tippytoe!

Oh, the thousand worrying things Every day recurrent brings! Hands to scrub and hair to brush, Search for playthings gone amiss, Many a murmuring to hush, Many a little bump to kiss; Life's indeed a fleeting show, Pittypat and Tippytoe!

And when day is at an end, There are little duds to mend; Little frocks are strangely torn, Little shoes great holes reveal, Little hose, but one day worn, Rudely yawn at toe or heel! Who but you could work such woe, Pittypat and Tippytoe!

But when comes this thought to me, "Some there are that childless be," Stealing to their little beds, With a love I cannot speak, Tenderly I stroke their heads, Fondly kiss each velvet cheek. God help those who do not know A Pittypat or Tippytoe!

On the floor, along the hall, Rudely traced upon the wall, There are proofs in every kind Of the havoc they have wrought; And upon my heart you'd find Just such trademarks, if you sought. Oh, how glad I am 'tis so, Pittypat and Tippytoe!

ASHES ON THE SLIDE.

WHEN Jim and Bill and I were boys a many years ago. How gayly did we use to hail the coming of the snow! Our sleds, fresh painted red and with their runners round and bright, Seemed to respond right briskly to our clamor of delight As we dragged them up the slippery road that climbed the rugged hill Where perched the old frame meetin'-house, so solemn-like and still.

Ah, coasting in those days--those good old days--was fun indeed! Sleds at that time I'd have you know were paragons of speed! And if the hill got bare in spots, as hills will do, why then We'd haul on ice and snow to patch those bald spots up again; But, oh! with what sad certainty our spirits would subside When Deacon Frisbee sprinkled ashes where we used to slide!

The deacon he would roll his eyes and gnash his toothless gums, And clear his skinny throat, and twirl his saintly, bony thumbs, And tell you: "When I wuz a boy, they taught me to eschew The godless, ribald vanities which modern youth pursue! The pathway that leads down to hell is slippery, straight, and wide; And Satan lurks for prey where little boys are wont to slide!"

Now, he who ever in his life has been a little boy Will not reprove me when he hears the language I employ To stigmatize as wickedness the deacon's zealous spite In interfering with the play wherein we found delight; And so I say, with confidence, not unalloyed of pride: "Gol durn the man who sprinkles ashes where the youngsters slide!"

But Deacon Frisbee long ago went to his lasting rest, His money well invested in farm mortgages out West; Bill, Jim, and I, no longer boys, have learned through years of strife That the troubles of the little boy pursue the man through life; That here and there along the course wherein we hoped to glide Some envious hand has sprinkled ashes just to spoil our slide!

And that malicious, envious hand is not the deacon's now. Grim, ruthless Fate, that evil sprite none other is than thou! Riches and honors, peace and care come at thy beck and go; The soul, elate with joy to-day, to-morrow writhes in woe; And till a man has turned his face unto the wall and died, He must expect to get his share of ashes on his slide!

THE LOST CUPID OF MOSCHUS.

"CUPID!" Venus went a-crying; "Cupid, whither dost thou stray? Tell me, people, hither hieing, Have you seen my runaway? Speak,--my kiss shall be your pay! Yes, and sweets more gratifying, If you bring him back to-day.

"Cupid," Venus went a-calling, "Is a rosy little youth, But his beauty is inthralling. He will speak you fair, in sooth, Wheedle you with glib untruth,-- Honey-like his words; but galling Are his deeds, and full of ruth!

"Cupid's hair is curling yellow, And he hath a saucy face; With his chubby hands the fellow Shooteth into farthest space, Heedless of all time and place; King and squire and punchinello He delighteth to abase!

"Nude and winged the prankish blade is, And he speedeth everywhere, Vexing gentlemen and ladies, Callow youths and damsels fair Whom he catcheth unaware,-- Venturing even into Hades, He hath sown his torments there!

"For that bow, that bow and quiver,-- Oh, they are a cruel twain! Thinking of them makes me shiver. Oft, with all his might and main, Cupid sends those darts profane Whizzing through my heart and liver, Setting fire to every vein!

"And the torch he carries blazing,-- Truly 'tis a tiny one; Yet, that tiny torch upraising, Cupid scarifies the sun! Ah, good people, there is none Knows what mischief most amazing Cupid's evil torch hath done!

"Show no mercy when you find him! Spite of every specious plea And of all his whimpering, bind him! Full of flatteries is he; Armed with treachery, _cap-a-pie_, He'll play 'possum; never mind him,-- March him straightway back to me!

"Bow and arrows and sweet kisses He will offer you, no doubt; But beware those proffered blisses,-- They are venomous throughout! Seize and bind him fast about; Mind you,--most important this is: Bind him, bring him, but--watch out!"

CHRISTMAS EVE.

OH, hush thee, little Dear-my-Soul, The evening shades are falling,-- Hush thee, my dear, dost thou not hear The voice of the Master calling?

Deep lies the snow upon the earth, But all the sky is ringing With joyous song, and all night long The stars shall dance, with singing.

Oh, hush thee, little Dear-my-Soul, And close thine eyes in dreaming, And angels fair shall lead thee where The singing stars are beaming.

A shepherd calls his little lambs, And he longeth to caress them; He bids them rest upon his breast, That his tender love may bless them.

So, hush thee, little Dear-my-Soul, Whilst evening shades are falling, And above the song of the heavenly throng Thou shalt hear the Master calling.

CARLSBAD.

DEAR Palmer, just a year ago we did the Carlsbad cure, Which, though it be exceeding slow, is as exceeding sure; To corpulency you were prone, dyspepsia bothered me,-- You tipped the beam at twenty stone and I at ten stone three! The cure, they told us, works both ways: it makes the fat man lean; The thin man, after many days, achieves a portly mien; And though it's true you still are fat, while I am like a crow,-- All skin and feathers,--what of that? The cure takes time, you know.

The Carlsbad scenery is sublime,--that's what the guide-books say; We did not think so at that time, nor think _I_ so to-day! The bluffs that squeeze the panting town permit no pleasing views, But weigh the mortal spirits down and give a chap the blues. With nothing to amuse us then or mitigate our spleen, We rose and went to bed again, with three bad meals between; And constantly we made our moan,--ah, none so drear as we, When you were weighing twenty stone and I but ten stone three!

We never scaled the mountain-side, for walking was my bane, And you were much too big to ride the mules that there obtain; And so we loitered in the shade with Israel out in force, Or through the Pupp'sche allee strayed and heard the band discourse. Sometimes it pleased us to recline upon the Tepl's brink, Or watch the bilious human line file round to get a drink; Anon the portier's piping tone embittered you and me, When you were weighing twenty stone and I but ten stone three!

And oh! those awful things to eat! No pudding, cake, or pie, But just a little dab of meat, and crusts absurdly dry; Then, too, that water twice a day,--one swallow was enough To take one's appetite away,--the tepid, awful stuff! Tortured by hunger's cruel stings, I'd little else to do Than feast my eyes upon the things prescribed and cooked for you. The goodies went to you alone, the husks all fell to me, When you were weighing twenty stone and I weighed ten stone three.

Yet happy days! and rapturous ills! and sweetly dismal date! When, sandwiched in between those hills, we twain bemoaned our fate. The little woes we suffered then like mists have sped away, And I were glad to share again those ills with you to-day,-- To flounder in those rains of June that flood that Austrian vale, To quaff that tepid Kaiserbrunn and starve on victuals stale! And often, leagues and leagues away from where we suffered then, With envious yearnings I survey what cannot be again!

And often in my quiet home, through dim and misty eyes, I seem to see that curhaus dome blink at the radiant skies; I seem to hear that Wiener band above the Tepl's roar,-- To feel the pressure of your hand and hear your voice once more; And, better yet, my heart is warm with thoughts of you and yours, For friendship hath a sweeter charm than thrice ten thousand cures! So I am happy to have known that time across the sea When you were weighing twenty stone and I weighed ten stone three.

THE SUGAR-PLUM TREE.

HAVE you ever heard of the Sugar-Plum Tree? 'Tis a marvel of great renown! It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop Sea In the garden of Shut-Eye Town; The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet (As those who have tasted it say) That good little children have only to eat Of that fruit to be happy next day.

When you've got to the tree, you would have a hard time To capture the fruit which I sing; The tree is so tall that no person could climb To the boughs where the sugar-plums swing! But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat, And a gingerbread dog prowls below; And this is the way you contrive to get at Those sugar-plums tempting you so:

You say but the word to that gingerbread dog, And he barks with such terrible zest That the chocolate cat is at once all agog, As her swelling proportions attest. And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around From _this_ leafy limb unto _that_, And the sugar-plums tumble, of course, to the ground,-- Hurrah for that chocolate cat!

There are marshmallows, gum-drops, and peppermint canes, With stripings of scarlet or gold, And you carry away of the treasure that rains As much as your apron can hold! So come, little child, cuddle closer to me In your dainty white nightcap and gown, And I'll rock you away to that Sugar-Plum Tree In the garden of Shut-Eye Town.

RED.

ANY color, so long as it's red, Is the color that suits me best, Though I will allow there is much to be said For yellow and green and the rest; But the feeble tints which some affect In the things they make or buy Have never--I say it with all respect-- Appealed to my critical eye.

There's that in red that warmeth the blood, And quickeneth a man within, And bringeth to speedy and perfect bud The germs of original sin; So, though I'm properly born and bred, I'll own, with a certain zest, That any color, so long as it's red, Is the color that suits me best.

For where is a color that can compare With the blush of a buxom lass; Or where such warmth as of the hair Of the genuine white horse class? And, lo! reflected within this cup Of cheery Bordeaux I see What inspiration girdeth me up,-- Yes, red is the color for me!

Through acres and acres of art I've strayed In Italy, Germany, France; On many a picture a master has made I've squandered a passing glance: Marines I hate, madonnas and Those Dutch freaks I detest; But the peerless daubs of my native land,-- They're red, and I like them best.

'Tis little I care how folk deride,-- I'm backed by the West, at least; And we are free to say that we can't abide The tastes that obtain down East; And we're mighty proud to have it said That here in the versatile West Most any color, so long as it's red, Is the color that suits us best.

JEWISH LULLABY.

MY harp is on the willow-tree, Else would I sing, O love, to thee A song of long ago,-- Perchance the song that Miriam sung Ere yet Judæa's heart was wrung By centuries of woe.

The shadow of those centuries lies Deep in thy dark and mournful eyes; But, hush! and close them now, And in the dreams that thou shalt dream The light of other days shall seem To glorify thy brow.

I ate my crust in tears to-day, As, scourged, I went upon my way, And yet my darling smiled,-- Ay, beating at my breast, he laughed; My anguish curdled not the draught, 'Twas sweet with love, my child.

Our harp is on the willow-tree: I have no song to sing to thee, As shadows round us roll; But, hush! and sleep, and thou shalt hear Jehovah's voice that speaks to cheer Judæa's fainting soul.

AT CHEYENNE.

YOUNG Lochinvar came in from the west, With fringe on his trousers and fur on his vest; The width of his hat brim could nowhere be beat, His No. 10 brogans were chock full of feet, His girdle was horrent with pistols and things, And he nourished a handful of aces on kings.

The fair Mariana sate watching a star, When who should turn up but the young Lochinvar! Her pulchritude gave him a pectoral glow, And he reined up his hoss with stentorian "Whoa!" Then turned on the maiden a rapturous grin, And modestly asked if he mightn't step in.

With presence of mind that was marvellous quite, The fair Mariana replied that he might; So in through the portal rode young Lochinvar, Pre-empted the claim, and cleaned out the bar. Though the justice allowed he wa'n't wholly to blame, He taxed him ten dollars and costs, just the same.

THE NAUGHTY DOLL.

MY dolly is a dreadful care,-- Her name is Miss Amandy; I dress her up and curl her hair, And feed her taffy candy. Yet, heedless of the pleading voice Of her devoted mother, She will not wed her mother's choice, But says she'll wed another.

I'd have her wed the china vase,-- There is no Dresden rarer; You might go searching every place And never find a fairer. He is a gentle, pinkish youth,-- Of that there's no denying; Yet when I speak of him, forsooth! Amandy falls to crying.

She loves the drum,--that's very plain,-- And scorns the vase so clever, And, weeping, vows she will remain A spinster doll forever! The protestations of the drum I am convinced are hollow; When once distressing times should come How soon would ruin follow!

Yet all in vain the Dresden boy From yonder mantel woos her; A mania for that vulgar toy, The noisy drum, imbues her. In vain I wheel her to and fro, And reason with her mildly: Her waxen tears in torrents flow, Her sawdust heart beats wildly.

I'm sure that when I'm big and tall, And wear long trailing dresses, I sha'n't encourage beaux at all Till mamma acquiesces; Our choice will be a suitor then As pretty as this vase is,-- Oh, how we'll hate the noisy men With whiskers on their faces!

THE PNEUMOGASTRIC NERVE.

UPON an average, twice a week, When anguish clouds my brow, My good physician friend I seek To know "what ails me now." He taps me on the back and chest, And scans my tongue for bile, And lays an ear against my breast And listens there awhile; Then is he ready to admit That all he can observe Is something wrong inside, to wit: My pneumogastric nerve!

Now, when these Latin names within Dyspeptic hulks like mine Go wrong, a fellow should begin To draw what's called the line. It seems, however, that this same, Which in my hulk abounds, Is not, despite its awful name, So fatal as it sounds; Yet of all torments known to me, I'll say without reserve, There is no torment like to thee, Thou pneumogastric nerve!

This subtle, envious nerve appears To be a patient foe,-- It waited nearly forty years Its chance to lay me low; Then, like some blithering blast of hell, It struck this guileless bard, And in that evil hour I fell Prodigious far and hard. Alas! what things I dearly love-- Pies, puddings, and preserves-- Are sure to rouse the vengeance of All pneumogastric nerves!

Oh that I could remodel man! I'd end these cruel pains By hitting on a different plan From that which now obtains. The stomach, greatly amplified, Anon should occupy The all of that domain inside Where heart and lungs now lie. But, first of all, I should depose That diabolic curve And author of my thousand woes, The pneumogastric nerve!

TEENY-WEENY.

EVERY evening, after tea, Teeny-Weeny comes to me, And, astride my willing knee, Plies his lash and rides away; Though that palfrey, all too spare, Finds his burden hard to bear, Teeny-Weeny doesn't care,-- He commands, and I obey!

First it's trot; and gallop then,-- Now it's back to trot again; Teeny-Weeny likes it when He is riding fierce and fast! Then his dark eyes brighter grow And his cheeks are all aglow,-- "More!" he cries, and never "Whoa!" Till the horse breaks down at last!

Oh, the strange and lovely sights Teeny-Weeny sees of nights, As he makes those famous flights On that wondrous horse of his! Oftentimes, before he knows, Wearylike his eyelids close, And, still smiling, off he goes Where the land of By-low is.

There he sees the folk of fay Hard at ring-a-rosie play, And he hears those fairies say, "Come, let's chase him to and fro!" But, with a defiant shout, Teeny puts that host to rout,-- Of this tale I make no doubt,-- Every night he tells it so!

So I feel a tender pride In my boy who dares to ride (That fierce horse of his astride) Off into those misty lands; And as on my breast he lies, Dreaming in that wondrous wise, I caress his folded eyes,-- Pat his little dimpled hands.

On a time he went away, Just a little while to stay, And I'm not ashamed to say I was very lonely then; Life without him was so sad, You can fancy I was glad And made merry when I had Teeny-Weeny back again!

So of evenings, after tea, When he toddles up to me And goes tugging at my knee, You should hear his palfrey neigh! You should see him prance and shy, When, with an exulting cry, Teeny-Weeny, vaulting high, Plies his lash and rides away!

TELKA.