Chapter 5

+Scriuener.+ Sweete mistresse, where as I loue you, nothing at all Regarding your richesse and substance: chiefe of all For your personage, beautie, demeanour and witte I commende me vnto you: Neuer a whitte Sory to heare reporte of your good welfare. For (as I heare say) suche your conditions are, That ye be worthie fauour: Of no liuing man To be abhorred: of euery honest man To be taken for a woman enclined to vice Nothing at all: to vertue giuing hir due price. Wherfore concerning mariage, ye are thought Suche a fine Paragon, as nere honest man bought. And nowe by these presents I doe you aduertise, That I am minded to marrie you: In no wyse For your goodes and substance: I can be content To take you as you are: yf ye will be my wife, Ye shall be assured for the time of my life, I wyll keepe you right well: from good raiment and fare, Ye shall not be kept: but in sorowe and care Ye shall in no wyse lyue: at your owne libertie, Doe and say what ye lust: ye shall neuer please me But when ye are merrie: I will bee all sadde When ye are sorie: I wyll be very gladde When ye seeke your heartes ease: I will be vnkinde At no time: in me shall ye muche gentlenesse finde. But all things contrary to your will and minde Shall be done otherwise: I wyll not be behynde To speake: And as for all they that woulde do you wrong, (I wyll so helpe and maintayne ye) shall not lyue long. Nor any foolishe dolte shall cumber you, but I, I, who ere say nay, wyll sticke by you tyll I die. Thus good mistresse Custance, the lorde you saue and kepe. From me Roister Doister, whether I wake or slepe, Who fauoureth you no lesse, (ye may be bolde) Than this letter purporteth, which ye haue vnfolde. Now sir, what default can ye finde in this letter?

+R. Royster.+ Of truth in my mynde there can not be a better.

+Scriuener.+ Then was the fault in readyng, and not in writyng, No nor I dare say in the fourme of endityng, But who read this letter, that it sounded so nought?

+M. Mery.+ I redde it in deede.

+Scriuener.+ Ye red it not as ye ought.

+R. Royster.+ Why thou wretched villaine was all this same fault in thee?

+M. Mery.+ I knocke your costarde if ye offer to strike me.

+R. Royster.+ Strikest thou in deede? and I offer but in iest?

+M. Mery.+ Yea and rappe you againe except ye can sit in rest. And I will no longer tarie here me beleue.

+R. Royster.+ What wilt thou be angry, and I do thee forgeue? Fare thou well scribler, I crie thee mercie in deede.

+Scriuener.+ Fare ye well bibbler, and worthily may ye speede.

+R. Royster.+ If it were an other but thou, it were a knaue.

+M. Mery.+ Ye are an other your selfe sir, the lorde vs both saue, Albeit in this matter I must your pardon craue, Alas woulde ye wyshe in me the witte that ye haue? But as for my fault I can quickely amende, I will shewe Custance it was I that did offende.

+R. Royster.+ By so doing hir anger may be reformed.

+M. Mery.+ But if by no entreatie she will be turned, Then sette lyght by hir and bee as testie as shee, And doe your force vpon hir with extremitie.

+R. Royster.+ Come on therefore lette vs go home in sadnesse.

+M. Mery.+ That if force shall neede all may be in a readinesse, And as for thys letter hardely let all go, We wyll know where she refuse you for that or no. [_Exeant am._

Actus. iiij. Scæna. j.

+Sym Suresby.+

+Sim Sure.+ Is there any man but I Sym Suresby alone, That would haue taken such an enterprise him vpon, In suche an outragious tempest as as this was. Suche a daungerous gulfe of the sea to passe. I thinke verily _Neptunes_ mightie godshyp, Was angry with some that was in our shyp, And but for the honestie which in me he founde, I thinke for the others sake we had bene drownde. But fye on that seruant which for his maisters wealth Will sticke for to hazarde both his lyfe and his health. My maister Gawyn Goodlucke after me a day Bicause of the weather, thought best hys shyppe to stay, And now that I haue the rough sourges so well past, God graunt I may finde all things safe here at last. Then will I thinke all my trauaile well spent. Nowe the first poynt wherfore my maister hath me sent Is to salute dame Christian Custance his wife, Espoused: whome he tendreth no lesse than his life, I must see how it is with hir well or wrong, And whether for him she doth not now thinke long: Then to other friendes I haue a message or tway, And then so to returne and mete him on the way. Now wyll I goe knocke that I may dispatche with speede, But loe forth commeth hir selfe happily in deede.

Actus. iiij. Scæna. ij.

+Christian Custance. Sim. Suresby.+

+C. Custance.+ I come to see if any more stirryng be here, But what straunger is this, which doth to me appere?

+Sym Surs.+ I will speake to hir: Dame the lorde you saue and see.

+C. Custance.+ What friende Sym Suresby? Forsoth right welcome ye be, Howe doth mine owne Gawyn Goodlucke, I pray the tell?

+S. Suresby.+ When he knoweth of your health he will be perfect well.

+C. Custance.+ If he haue perfect helth, I am as I would be.

+Sim. Sure.+ Suche newes will please him well, this is as it should be.

+C. Custance.+ I thinke now long for him.

+Sym Sure.+ And he as long for you.

+C. Custance.+ When wil he be at home?

+Sym Sure.+ His heart is here een now His body commeth after.

+C. Custance.+ I woulde see that faine.

+Sim Sure.+ As fast as wynde and sayle can cary it a maine. But what two men are yonde comming hitherwarde?

+C. Custance.+ Now I shrew their best Christmasse chekes both togetherward.

Actus. iiij. Scæna. iij.

+Christian Custance. Sym Suresby. Ralph Roister. Mathew Merygreke. Trupeny.+

+C. Custance.+ What meane these lewde felowes thus to trouble me stil? Sym Suresby here perchance shal therof deme som yll, And shall suspect in me some point of naughtinesse, And they come hitherward.

+Sym Sure.+ What is their businesse?

+C. Custance.+ I haue nought to them, nor they to me in sadnesse.

+Sim Sure.+ Let vs hearken them, somewhat there is I feare it.

+R. Royster.+ I will speake out aloude best, that she may heare it.

+M. Mery.+ Nay alas, ye may so feare hir out of hir wit.

+R. Royster.+ By the crosse of my sworde, I will hurt hir no whit.

+M. Mery.+ Will ye doe no harme in deede, shall I trust your worde?

+R. Royster.+ By Roister Doisters fayth I will speake but in borde.

+Sim Sure.+ Let vs hearken them, somwhat there is I feare it.

+R. Royster.+ I will speake out aloude, I care not who heare it: Sirs, see that my harnesse, my tergat, and my shield, Be made as bright now, as when I was last in fielde, As white as I shoulde to warre againe to morrowe: For sicke shall I be, but I worke some folke sorow. Therfore see that all shine as bright as sainct George, Or as doth a key newly come from the Smiths forge. I woulde haue my sworde and harnesse to shine so bright, That I might therwith dimme mine enimies sight, I would haue it cast beames as fast I tell you playne, As doth the glittryng grasse after a showre of raine. And see that in case I shoulde neede to come to arming, All things may be ready at a minutes warning, For such chaunce may chaunce in an houre, do ye heare?

+M. Mery.+ As perchance shall not chaunce againe in seuen yeare.

+R. Royster.+ Now draw we neare to hir, and here what shall be sayde.

+M. Mery.+ But I woulde not haue you make hir too muche afrayde.

+R. Royster.+ Well founde sweete wife (I trust) for al this your soure looke.

+C. Custance.+ Wife, why cal ye me wife?

+Sim Sure.+ Wife? this gear goth acrook.

+M. Mery.+ Nay mistresse Custance, I warrant you, our letter Is not as we redde een nowe, but much better, And where ye halfe stomaked this gentleman afore, For this same letter, ye wyll loue hym now therefore, Nor it is not this letter, though ye were a queene, That shoulde breake marriage betweene you twaine I weene.

+C. Custance.+ I did not refuse hym for the letters sake.

+R. Royster.+ Then ye are content me for your husbande to take.

+C. Custance.+ You for my husbande to take? nothing lesse truely.

+R. Royster.+ Yea say so, sweete spouse, afore straungers hardly.

+M. Mery.+ And though I haue here his letter of loue with me, Yet his ryng and tokens he sent, keepe safe with ye.

+C. Custance.+ A mischiefe take his tokens, and him and thee too. But what prate I with fooles? haue I nought else to doo? Come in with me Sym Suresby to take some repast.

+Sim Sure.+ I must ere I drinke by your leaue, goe in all hast, To a place or two, with earnest letters of his.

+C. Custance.+ Then come drink here with me.

+Sim Sure.+ I thank you.

+C. Custance.+ Do not misse You shall haue a token to your maister with you.

+Sym Sure.+ No tokens this time gramercies, God be with you. _Exeat._

+C. Custance.+ Surely this fellowe misdeemeth some yll in me. Which thing but God helpe, will go neere to spill me.

+R. Royster.+ Yea farewell fellow, and tell thy maister Goodlucke That he commeth to late of thys blossome to plucke. Let him keepe him there still, or at least wise make no hast, As for his labour hither he shall spende in wast. His betters be in place nowe.

+M. Mery.+ As long as it will hold.

+C. Custance.+ I will be euen with thee thou beast, thou mayst be bolde.

+R. Royster.+ Will ye haue vs then?

+C. Custance.+ I will neuer haue thee.

+R. Royster.+ Then will I haue you?

+C. Custance.+ No, the deuill shal haue thee. I haue gotten this houre more shame and harme by thee, Then all thy life days thou canst do me honestie.

+M. Mery.+ Why nowe may ye see what it comth too in the ende, To make a deadly foe of your most louing frende: And ywis this letter if ye woulde heare it now.

+C. Custance.+ I will heare none of it.

+M. Mery.+ In faith would rauishe you.

+C. Custance.+ He hath stained my name for euer this is cleare.

+R. Royster.+ I can make all as well in an houre.

+M. Mery.+ As ten yeare. How say ye, wil ye haue him?

+C. Custance.+ No.

+M. Mery.+ Wil ye take him?

+C. Custance.+ I defie him.

+M. Mery.+ At my word?

+C. Custance.+ A shame take him. Waste no more wynde, for it will neuer bee.

+M. Mery.+ This one faulte with twaine shall be mended, ye shall see. Gentle mistresse Custance now, good mistresse Custance, Honey mistresse Custance now, sweete mistresse Custance, Golden mistresse Custance now, white mistresse Custance, Silken mistresse Custance now, faire mistresse Custance.

+C. Custance.+ Faith rather than to mary with suche a doltishe loute, I woulde matche my selfe with a begger out of doute.

+M. Mery.+ Then I can say no more, to speede we are not like, Except ye rappe out a ragge of your Rhetorike.

+C. Custance.+ Speake not of winnyng me: for it shall neuer be so.

+R. Royster.+ Yes dame, I will haue you whether ye will or no, I commaunde you to loue me, wherfore shoulde ye not? Is not my loue to you chafing and burning hot?

+M. Mery.+ Too hir, that is well sayd.

+R. Royster.+ Shall I so breake my braine To dote vpon you, and ye not loue vs againe?

+M. Mery.+ Wel sayd yet.

+C. Custance.+ Go to you goose.

+R. Royster.+ I say Kit Custance, In case ye will not haze, well, better yes perchaunce.

+C. Custance.+ Auaunt lozell, picke thee hence.

+M. Mery.+ Wel sir, ye perceiue, For all your kinde offer, she will not you receiue.

+R. Royster.+ Then a strawe for hir, and a strawe for hir againe, She shall not be my wife, woulde she neuer so faine, No and though she would be at ten thousand pounde cost.

+M. Mery.+ Lo dame, ye may see what an husbande ye haue lost.

+C. Custance.+ Yea, no force, a iewell muche better lost than founde.

+M. Mery.+ Ah, ye will not beleue how this doth my heart wounde. How shoulde a mariage betwene you be towarde, If both parties drawe backe, and become so frowarde.

+R. Royster.+ Nay dame, I will fire thee out of thy house, And destroy thee and all thine, and that by and by.

+M. Mery.+ Nay for the passion of God sir, do not so.

+R. Royster.+ Yes, except she will say yea to that she sayde no.

+C. Custance.+ And what, be there no officers trow we, in towne To checke idle loytrers, braggyng vp and downe? Where be they, by whome vacabunds shoulde be represt? That poore sillie Widowes might liue in peace and rest. Shall I neuer ridde thee out of my companie? I will call for helpe, what hough, come forth Trupenie.

+Trupenie.+ Anon. What is your will mistresse? dyd ye call me?

+C. Custance.+ Yea, go runne apace, and as fast as may be, Pray Tristram Trusty, my moste assured frende, To be here by and by, that he may me defende.

+Trupenie.+ That message so quickly shall be done by Gods grace, That at my returne ye shall say, I went apace. _Exeat._

+C. Custance.+ Then shall we see I trowe, whether ye shall do me harme,

+R. Royster.+ Yes in faith Kitte, I shall thee and thine so charme, That all women incarnate by thee may beware.

+C. Custance.+ Nay, as for charming me, come hither if thou dare, I shall cloute thee tyll thou stinke, both thee and thy traine, And coyle thee mine owne handes, and sende thee home againe.

+R. Royster.+ Yea sayst thou me that dame? dost thou me threaten? Goe we, I still see whether I shall be beaten.

+M. Mery.+ Nay for the paishe of God, let me now treate peace, For bloudshed will there be in case this strife increace. Ah good dame Custance, take better way with you.

+R. Royster.+ Let him do his worst.

+M. Mery.+ Yeld in time.

+R. Royster.+ Come hence thou.

_Exeant Roister et Mery._

Actus. iiij. Scæna. iiij.

+Christian Custance. Anot Alyface. Tibet T. M. Mumblecrust.+

+C. Custance.+ So sirra, if I should not with hym take this way, I should not be ridde of him I thinke till doomes day, I will call forth my folkes, that without any mockes If he come agayne we may giue him rappes and knockes. Mage Mumblecrust, come forth, and Tibet Talke apace. Yea and come forth too, mistresse Annot Alyface.

+Annot Aly.+ I come.

+Tibet.+ And I am here.

+M. Mumb.+ And I am here too at length.

+C. Custance.+ Like warriers if nede bee, ye must shew your strength The man that this day hath thus begiled you, Is Ralph Roister Doister, whome ye know well mowe, The moste loute and dastarde that euer on grounde trode.

+Tib. Talk.+ I see all folke mocke hym when he goth abrode.

+C. Custance.+ What pretie maide? will ye talke when I speake?

+Tib. Talk.+ No forsooth good mistresse.

+C. Custance.+ Will ye my tale breake? He threatneth to come hither with all his force to fight, I charge you if he come, on him with all your might.

+M. Mumbl.+ I with my distaffe will reache hym one rappe,

+Tib. Talk.+ And I with my newe broome will sweepe hym one swappe, And then with our greate clubbe I will reache hym one rappe.

+An. Aliface.+ And I with our skimmer will fling him one flappe.

+Tib. Talk.+ Then Trupenies firesorke will him shrewdly fray, And you with the spitte may driue him quite away.

+C. Custance.+ Go make all ready, that it may be een so.

+Tib. Talk.+ For my parte I shrewe them that last about it go. _Exeant._

Actus. iiij. Scæna. v.

+Christian Custance. Trupenie. Tristram Trusty.+

+C. Custance.+ Trupenie dyd promise me to runne a great pace, My friend Tristram Trusty to fet into this place. In deede he dwelleth hence a good stert I confesse: But yet a quicke messanger might twice since as I gesse, Haue gone and come againe. Ah yond I spie him now.

+Trupeny.+ Ye are a slow goer sir, I make God auow. My mistresse Custance will in me put all the blame, Your leggs be longer than myne: come apace for shame.

+C. Custance.+ I can thee thanke Trupenie, thou hast done right wele.

+Trupeny.+ Maistresse since I went no grasse hath growne on my hele, But maister Tristram Trustie here maketh no speede.

+C. Custance.+ That he came at all I thanke him in very deede, For now haue I neede of the helpe of some wise man.

+T. Trusty.+ Then may I be gone againe, for none such I [a]m.

+Trupenie.+ Ye may bee by your going: for no Alderman Can goe I dare say, a sadder pace than ye can.

+C. Custance.+ Trupenie get thee in, thou shalt among them knowe, How to vse thy selfe, like a propre man I trowe.

+Trupeny.+ I go. _Ex._

+C. Custance.+ Now Tristram Trusty I thank you right much. For at my first sending to come ye neuer grutch.

+T. Trusty.+ Dame Custance God ye saue, and while my life shall last, For my friende Goodlucks sake ye shall not sende in wast.

+C. Custance.+ He shal giue you thanks.

+T. Trusty.+ I will do much for his sake

+C. Custance.+ But alack, I feare, great displeasure shall be take.

+T. Trusty.+ Wherfore?

+C. Custance.+ For a foolish matter.

+T. Trusty.+ What is your cause

+C. Custance.+ I am yll accombred with a couple of dawes.

+T. Trusty.+ Nay weepe not woman: but tell me what your cause is As concerning my friende is any thing amisse?

+C. Custance.+ No not on my part: but here was Sym Suresby.

+T. Trustie.+ He was with me and told me so.

+C. Custance.+ And he stoode by While Ralph Roister Doister with helpe of Merygreeke, For promise of mariage dyd vnto me seeke.

+T. Trusty.+ And had ye made any promise before them twaine,

+C. Custance.+ No I had rather be torne in pieces and slaine, No man hath my faith and trouth, but Gawyn Goodlucke, And that before Suresby dyd I say, and there stucke, But of certaine letters there were suche words spoken.

+T. Trustie.+ He tolde me that too.

+C. Custance.+ And of a ring and token. That Suresby I spied, dyd more than halfe suspect, That I my faith to Gawyn Goodlucke dyd reiect.

+T. Trusty.+ But there was no such matter dame Custance in deede?

+C. Custance.+ If euer my head thought it, God sende me yll speede. Wherfore I beseech you, with me to be a witnesse, That in all my lyfe I neuer intended thing lesse, And what a brainsicke foole Ralph Roister Doister is, Your selfe know well enough.

+T. Trusty.+ Ye say full true ywis.

+C. Custance.+ Bicause to bee his wife I ne graunt nor apply, Hither will he com he sweareth by and by, To kill both me and myne, and beate downe my house flat. Therfore I pray your aide.

+T. Trustie.+ I warrant you that.

+C. Custance.+ Haue I so many yeres liued a sobre life, And shewed my selfe honest, mayde, widowe, and wyfe And nowe to be abused in such a vile sorte, Ye see howe poore Widowes lyue all voyde of comfort.

+T. Trusty.+ I warrant hym do you no harme nor wrong at all.

+C. Custance.+ No, but Mathew Merygreeke doth me most appall, That he woulde ioyne hym selfe with suche a wretched loute.

+T. Trusty.+ He doth it for a iest I knowe hym out of doubte, And here cometh Merygreke.

+C. Custance.+ Then shal we here his mind.

Actus. iiij. Scæna. vj.

+Merygreke. Christian Custance. Trist. Trusty.+

+M. Mery.+ Custance and Trustie both, I doe you here well finde.

+C. Custance.+ Ah Mathew Merygreeke, ye haue vsed me well.

+M. Mery.+ Nowe for altogether ye must your answere tell. Will ye haue this man, woman? or else will ye not? Else will he come neuer bore so brymme nor tost so hot.

+Tris. and Cu.+ But why ioyn ye with him.

+T. Trusty.+ For mirth.

+C. Custance.+ Or else in sadnesse

+M. Mery.+ The more fond of you both hardly yat mater gesse.

+Tristram.+ Lo how say ye dame?

+M. Mery.+ Why do ye thinke dame Custance That in this wowyng I haue ment ought but pastance?

+C. Custance.+ Much things ye spake, I wote, to maintaine his dotage.

+M. Mery.+ But well might ye iudge I spake it all in mockage? For why? Is Roister Doister a fitte husband for you?

+T. Trusty.+ I dare say ye neuer thought it.

+M. Mery.+ No to God I vow. And dyd not I knowe afore of the insurance Betweene Gawyn Goodlucke, and Christian Custance? And dyd not I for the nonce, by my conueyance, Reade his letter in a wrong sense for daliance? That if you coulde haue take it vp at the first bounde, We should therat such a sporte and pastime haue founde, That all the whole towne should haue ben the merier.

+C. Custance.+ Ill ake your heades both, I was neuer werier, Nor neuer more vexte since the first day I was borne.

+T. Trusty.+ But very well I wist he here did all in scorne.

+C. Custance.+ But I feared therof to take dishonestie.

+M. Mery.+ This should both haue made sport, and shewed your honestie And Goodlucke I dare sweare, your witte therin would low.

+T. Trusty.+ Yea, being no worse than we know it to be now.

+M. Mery.+ And nothing yet to late, for when I come to him, Hither will he repaire with a sheepes looke full grim, By plaine force and violence to driue you to yelde.

+C. Custance.+ If ye two bidde me, we will with him pitche a fielde, I and my maides together.

+M. Mery.+ Let vs see, be bolde.

+C. Custance.+ Ye shall see womens warre.

+T. Trusty.+ That fight wil I behold.

+M. Mery.+ If occasion serue, takyng his parte full brim, I will strike at you, but the rappe shall light on him. When we first appeare.

+C. Custance.+ Then will I runne away As though I were afeard.

+T. Trusty.+ Do you that part wel play And I will sue for peace.

+M. Mery.+ And I wil set him on. Then will he looke as fierce as a Cotssold lyon.

+T. Trusty.+ But when gost thou for him?

+M. Mery.+ That do I very nowe.

+C. Custance.+ Ye shal find vs here.

+M. Mery.+ Wel god haue mercy on you. _Ex._

+T. Trusty.+ There is no cause of feare, the least boy in the streete:

+C. Custance.+ Nay, the least girle I haue, will make him take his feete. But hearke, me thinke they make preparation.

+T. Trusty.+ No force, it will be a good recreation.

+C. Custance.+ I will stand within, and steppe forth speedily, And so make as though I ranne away dreadfully.

Actus. iiij. Scæna. vij.

+R. Royster. M. Merygreeke. C. Custance. D. Doughtie. Harpax. Tristram Trusty.+

+R. Royster.+ Nowe sirs, keepe your ray, and see your heartes be stoute, But where be these caitifes, me think they dare not route, How sayst thou Merygreeke? What doth Kit Custance say?

+M. Mery.+ I am loth to tell you.

+R. Royster.+ Tushe speake man, yea or nay?

+M. Mery.+ Forsooth sir, I haue spoken for you all that I can. But if ye winne hir, ye must een play the man, Een to fight it out, ye must a mans heart take.

+R. Royster.+ Yes, they shall know, and thou knowest I haue a stomacke.

[+M. Mery.+] A stomacke (quod you) yea, as good as ere man had.

+R. Royster.+ I trowe they shall finde and feele that I am a lad.

+M. Mery.+ By this crosse I haue seene you eate your meate as well, As any that ere I haue seene of or heard tell, A stomacke quod you? he that will that denie I know was neuer at dynner in your companie.

+R. Royster.+ Nay, the stomacke of a man it is that I meane.

+M. Mery.+ Nay the stomacke of a horse or a dogge I weene.

+R. Royster.+ Nay a mans stomacke with a weapon meane I.

+M. Mery.+ Ten men can scarce match you with a spoone in a pie.

+R. Royster.+ Nay the stomake of a man to trie in strife.

+M. Mery.+ I neuer sawe your stomacke cloyed yet in my lyfe.

+R. Royster.+ Tushe I meane in strife or fighting to trie.

+M. Mery.+ We shall see how ye will strike nowe being angry.

+R. Royster.+ Haue at thy pate then, and saue thy head if thou may.

+M. Mery.+ Nay then haue at your pate agayne by this day,

+R. Royster.+ Nay thou mayst not strike at me againe in no wise.

+M. Mery.+ I can not in fight make to you suche warrantise: But as for your foes here let them the bargaine bie.

+R. Royster.+ Nay as for they, shall euery mothers childe die. And in this my fume a little thing might make me, To beate downe house and all, and else the deuill take me.

+M. Mery.+ If I were as ye be, by gogs deare mother, I woulde not leaue one stone vpon an other. Though she woulde redeeme it with twentie thousand poundes.

+R. Royster.+ It shall be euen so, by his lily woundes.

+M. Mery.+ Bee not at one with hir vpon any amendes.

+R. Royster.+ No though she make to me neuer so many frendes. Nor if all the worlde for hir woulde vndertake, No not God hymselfe neither, shal not hir peace make, On therfore, marche forwarde, soft, stay a whyle yet.

+M. Mery.+ On.

+R. Royster.+ Tary.

+M. Mery.+ Forth.

+R. Royster.+ Back.

+M. Mery.+ On.