Part 34

_Gran._ Manes, it is pitie so proper a man should be cast away upon a philosopher; but that Diogenes, that dogge,[788] should have Manes, that dog-bolt,[789] it grieveth nature and spiteth art: the one having found thee so dissolute--absolute[790] I would say--in bodie, the other so single--singular--in minde. 10

_Manes._ Are you merry? It is a signe by the trip of your tongue and the toyes[791] of your head that you have done that to day which I have not done these three dayes.

_Psyllus._ Whats that?

_Manes._ Dined. 15

_Gran._ I thinke Diogenes keepes but cold cheare.

_Manes._ I would it were so; but hee keepeth neither hot nor cold.

_Gran._ What then, luke warme? That made Manes runne from his master the last day.[792] 20

_Psyllus._ Manes had reason, for his name foretold as much.

_Manes._ My name? How so, sir boy?

_Psyllus._ You know that it is called mons a movendo, because it stands still.

_Manes._ Good. 25

_Psyllus._ And thou art named Manes _a manendo_, because thou runnest away.

_Manes._ Passing[793] reasons! I did not run away, but retire.

_Psyllus._ To a prison, because thou wouldst have leisure to contemplate. 30

_Manes._ I will prove that my bodie was immortall because it was in prison.

_Gran._ As how?

_Manes._ Did your masters never teach you that the soule is immortall? 35

_Gran._ Yes.

_Manes._ And the bodie is the prison of the soule.

_Gran._ True.

_Manes._ Why then, thus[794] to make my body immortall, I put it in prison.[795] 40

_Gran._ Oh, bad!

_Psyllus._ Excellent ill!

_Manes._ You may see how dull a fasting wit is: therefore, Psyllus, let us goe to supper with Granichus. Plato is the best fellow of all philosophers: give me him that reades[796] in the morning in the 45 schoole, and at noone in the kitchen.

_Psyllus._ And me!

_Gran._ Ah, sirs, my master is a king in his parlour for the body, and a god in his studie for the soule. Among all his men he commendeth one that is an excellent musition; then stand I by and clap another on the shoulder and say, "This is a passing good 50 cooke."

_Manes._ It is well done Granichus; for give mee pleasure that goes in at the mouth, not the eare,--I had rather fill my guts than my braines.

_Psyllus._ I serve Apelles, who feedeth mee as Diogenes doth 55 Manes; for at dinner the one preacheth abstinence, the other commendeth counterfaiting[797]: when I would eate meate, he paints a[798] spit; and when I thirst, "O," saith he, "is not this a faire pot?" and pointes to a table[799] which containes the Banquet of the Gods, where are many dishes to feed the eye, but not to fill the gut. 60

_Gran._ What doest thou then?

_Psyllus._ This doth hee then: bring in many examples that some have lived by savours; and proveth that much easier it is to fat by colours; and telles of birdes that have been fatted by painted grapes in winter, and how many have so fed their eyes with their mistresse picture that they never desired to take food, being 65 glutted with the delight in their favours.[800] Then doth he shew me counterfeites,--such as have surfeited, with their filthy and lothsome vomites; and the riotous[801] Bacchanalls of the god Bacchus and his disorderly crew; which are painted all to the life in his shop. To conclude, I fare hardly, though I goe richly, 70 which maketh me when I should begin to shadow a ladies face, to draw a lambs head, and sometime to set to the body of a maid a shoulder of mutton, for _Semper animus meus est in patinis_.[802]

_Manes._ Thou art a god to mee; for, could I see but a cookes 75 shop painted, I would make mine eyes fatte as butter, for I have nought but sentences to fill my maw: as, _Plures occidit crapula quam gladius_; _Musa jejunantibus amica_; Repletion killeth delicatly; and an old saw of abstinence by[803] Socrates,--The belly is the heads grave. Thus with sayings, not with meate, he maketh a gallimafray.[804] 80

_Gran._ But how doest thou then live?

_Manes._ With fine jests, sweet ayre, and the dogs[805] almes.

_Gran._ Well, for this time I will stanch thy gut, and among pots and platters thou shall see what it is to serve Plato.

_Psyllus._ For joy of it, Granichus, lets sing. 85

_Manes._ My voice is as cleare in the evening as in the morning.[806]

_Gran._ An other commoditie of emptines!

SONG[807]

_Gran._ O for a bowle of fatt canary, Rich Palermo, sparkling sherry, Some nectar else[808] from Juno's daiery: 90 O these draughts would make us merry!

_Psil._ O for a wench! (I deale in faces, And in other dayntier things,) Tickled am I with her embraces,-- Fine dancing in such fairy ringes. 95

_Ma._ O for a plump fat leg of mutton, Veale, lambe, capon, pigge, and conney![809] None is happy but a glutton; None an asse but who wants money.

_Ch._ Wines, indeed, and girls are good, 100 But brave victuals feast the bloud: For wenches, wine, and lusty cheere, Jove would leape down to surfet heere. [_Exeunt._]

Actus primus. Scæna tertia[810]

[_Enter_] MELIPPUS[811]

_Melip._ I had never such adoe to warne schollers to come before a king! First I came to Crisippus, a tall, leane old mad man, willing him presently to appeare before Alexander. Hee stood staring on my face, neither moving his eyes nor his body. I urging him to give some answer, hee tooke up a booke, sate downe, and saide nothing. 5 Melissa, his maide, told mee it was his manner, and that oftentimes shee was fain to thrust meat into his mouth, for that he would rather sterve than cease studie. Well, thought I, seeing bookish men are so blockish and great clearkes such simple courtiers, I will neither be partaker of their commons nor their commendations. From thence I came to Plato and to Aristotle[812] and to divers 10 other; none refusing to come, saving an olde, obscure fellow, who, sitting in a tub turned towardes the sunne, read Greeke to a young boy. Him when I willed to appeare before Alexander, he answered, "If Alexander would faine see mee, let him come to mee; if learne of me, let him come to mee; whatsoever it be, let him 15 come to me." "Why," said I, "he is a king." He answered, "Why, I am a philosopher." "Why, but he is Alexander." "I, but I am Diogenes." I was halfe angry to see one so crooked in his shape to bee so crabbed in his sayings; so, going my way, I said, "Thou 20 shalt repent it, if thou comest not to Alexander." "Nay," smiling answered hee, "Alexander may repent it if hee come not to Diogenes: vertue must bee sought, not offered." And so, turning himselfe to his cell, hee grunted I know not what, like a pig under a tub. But I must bee gone, the philosophers are comming. _Exit._ 25

[_Enter_ PLATO, ARISTOTLE, CRYSIPPUS, CRATES, CLEANTHES, _and_ ANAXARCHUS[813]]

_Plato._ It is a difficult controversie, Aristotle, and rather to be wondred at than beleeved, how natural causes should worke supernaturall effects.

_Aris._ I do not so much stand upon the apparition is seene in the 30 moone,[814] neither the _Demonium_ of Socrates, as that I cannot by naturall reason give any reason of the ebbing and flowing of the sea; which makes me in the depth of my studies to crie out, _O ens entium, miserere mei_.

_Plato._ Cleanthes and you attribute so much to nature by searching for things which are not to be found, that, whilest you studie a cause of your owne,[815] you omitt the occasion it selfe. There 35 is no man so savage in whom resteth not this divine particle: that there is an omnipotent, eternall, and divine mover, which may be called God.

_Cleant._ I am of this minde: that that first mover, which you 40 terme God, is the instrument of all the movings which we attribute to nature.[816] The earth, which is masse, swimmeth[817] on the sea, seasons divided in themselves, fruits growing in themselves, the majestie of the skie, the whole firmament of the world, and whatsoever else appeareth miraculous,--what man almost of meane capacitie but 45 can prove it natural?

_Anax._ These causes shall be debated at our philosophers feast, in which controversie I will take part with Aristotle that there is _Natura naturans_,[818] and yet not God.

_Cra._ And I with Plato that there is _Deus optimus maximus_, and 50 not nature.

[_Enter_ ALEXANDER, _attended by_ HEPHESTION, PARMENIO, _and_ CLYTUS]

_Aris._ Here commeth Alexander.

_Alex._ I see, Hephestion, that these philosophers are here attending for us.

_Hep._ They are not philosophers if they know[819] not their duties. 55

_Alex._ But I much mervaile Diogenes should bee so dogged.

_Hep._ I doe not thinke but his excuse will be better than Melippus message.

_Alex._ I will goe see him, Hephestion, because I long to see him that would command Alexander to come, to whom all the world is 60 like to come.--Aristotle and the rest, sithence my comming from Thebes to Athens, from a place of conquest to a pallace of[820] quiet, I have resolved with my selfe in my court to have as many philosophers as I had in my camp souldiers. My court shal be a schoole wherein I wil have used as great doctrine[821] in peace as I did in warre discipline. 65

_Aris._ We are all here ready to be commanded, and glad we are that we are commanded, for that nothing better becommeth kings than literature, which maketh them come as neare to the gods in wisdome as they doe in dignitie. 70

_Alex._ It is so, Aristotle, but yet there is among you, yea and of your bringing up, that sought to destroy Alexander,--Calistenes,[822] Aristotle, whose treasons against his prince shall not be borne out with the reasons of his philosophie.

_Aris._ If ever mischief entred into the heart of Calistenes, let 75 Calistenes suffer for it; but that Aristotle ever imagined any such thing of Calistenes, Aristotle doth denie.

_Alex._ Well, Aristotle, kindred may blinde thee, and affection me; but in kings causes I will not stand to schollers arguments. This meeting shal be for a commandement that you all frequent my 80 court, instruct the young with rules,[823] confirme the olde with reasons: let your lives bee answerable to your learnings, least my proceedings be contrary to my promises.

_Hep._ You said you would aske every one of them a question which yesternight none of us could answere.[824] 85

_Alex._ I will. Plato, of all beasts which is the subtilest?

_Plato._ That which man hitherto never knew.

_Alex._ Aristotle, how should a man be thought a god?

_Aris._ In doing a thing unpossible for a man.

_Alex._ Crisippus, which was first, the day or the night? 90

_Aris._ The day, by a day.

_Alex._ Indeede, strange questions must have strange answers. Cleanthes, what say you, is life or death the stronger?

_Cle._ Life, that suffereth so many troubles.

_Alex._ Crates, how long should a man live? 95

_Crates._ Till hee thinke it better to die than to live.

_Alex._ Anaxarchus, whether doth the sea or the earth bring forth most creatures?

_Anax._ The earth, for the sea is but a part of the earth.

_Alex._ Hephestion, me thinkes they have answered all well, and 100 in such questions I meane often to trie them.

_Hep._ It is better to have in your court a wise man than in your ground a golden mine. Therefore would I leave war, to study wisdom, were I Alexander.

_Alex._ So would I, were I Hephestion.[825] But come, let us goe 105 and give release, as I promised, to our Theban thralls.[826] _Exeunt_ [_Alexander, Hephestion, Parmenio, and Clytus._]

_Plato._ Thou art fortunate, Aristotle, that Alexander is thy scholler.

_Aris._ And all you happy that he is your soveraigne.

_Crisip._ I could like the man well, if he could be contented to 110 bee but a man.

_Aris._ He seeketh to draw neere to the gods in knowledge, not to be a god. [_Enter_ DIOGENES.[827]]

_Plato._ Let us question a little with Diogenes why he went not with us to Alexander. Diogenes, thou didst forget thy duety, that 115 thou wentst not with us to the king.

_Diog._ And you your profession that went to the king.

_Plato._ Thou takest as great pride to be peevish as others do glory to be vertuous.

_Diog._ And thou as great honour, being a philosopher, to be 120 thought court-like, as others shame, that be courtiers, to be accounted philosophers.

_Aris._ These austere manners set aside, it is well knowne that thou didst counterfeite money.[828]

_Diog._ And thou thy manners, in that thou didst not counterfeite 125 money.[829]

_Aris._ Thou hast reason to contemne the court, being both in bodie and minde too crooked for a courtier.

_Diog._ As good be crooked and indevour to make my selfe straight, from the court, as bee straight and learne to be crooked at the court. 130

_Cris._ Thou thinkest it a grace to be opposite against Alexander.

_Diog._ And thou to be jump with Alexander.

_Anax._ Let us goe, for in contemning him we shal better please him than in wondering at him.

_Aris._ Plato, what doest thou thinke of Diogenes? 135

_Plato._ To be Socrates furious.[830] Let us go. _Exeunt Philosophi._

[_Diogenes moves about with a lantern as if seeking something._]

[_Enter_] PSYLLUS, MANES, [_and_] GRANICHUS.[831]

_Psyllus._ Behold, Manes, where thy master is, seeking either for bones for his dinner or pinnes for his sleeves. I will goe salute him.

_Manes._ Doe so; but mum, not a word that you saw Manes! 140

_Gran._ Then stay thou behinde, and I will goe with Psyllus.

[_Manes stands apart._]

_Psyllus._ All hayle, Diogenes, to your proper person.

_Diog._ All hate to thy peevish conditions.

_Gran._ O dogge!

_Psyllus._ What doest thou seeke for here? 145

_Diog._ For a man and a beast.

_Gran._ That is easie without thy light to bee found: be not all these men?[832]

_Diog._ Called men.

_Gran._ What beast is it thou lookest for? 150

_Diog._ The beast my man Manes.

_Psyllus._ Hee is a beast indeed that will serve thee.

_Diog._ So is he that begat thee.

_Gran._ What wouldest thou do, if thou shouldst find Manes?

_Diog._ Give him leave to doe as hee hath done before. 155

_Gran._ What's that?

_Diog._ To run away.

_Psyllus._ Why, hast thou no neede of Manes?

_Diog._ It were a shame for Diogenes to have neede of Manes and for Manes to have no neede of Diogenes.[833] 160

_Gran._ But put the case he were gone, wouldst thou entertaine any of us two?

_Diog._ Upon condition.

_Psyllus._ What?

_Diog._ That you should tell me wherefore any of you both were 165 good.

_Gran._ Why, I am a scholler and well seene in philosophy.

_Psyllus._ And I a prentice and well seene in painting.

_Diog._ Well then, Granichus, be thou a painter to amend thine ill face; and thou, Psyllus, a philosopher to correct thine evill 170 manners. But who is that? Manes?

_Manes_ [_coming forward slowly_]. I care not who I were, so I were not Manes.

_Gran._ You are taken tardie.

_Psyllus._ Let us slip aside, Granichus, to see the salutation 175 betweene Manes and his master. [_They draw back._]

_Diog._ Manes, thou knowest the last day[834] I threw away my dish, to drinke in my hand, because it was superfluous;[835] now I am determined to put away my man and serve my selfe, _quia non egeo tui vel te_. 180

_Manes._ Master, you know a while agoe I ran away; so doe I meane to doe againe, _quia scio tibi non esse argentum_.

_Diog._ I know I have no money, neither will I[836] have ever a man, for I was resolved long sithence to put away both my slaves,--money and Manes. 185

_Manes._ So was I determined to shake off[837] both my dogges,--hunger and Diogenes.

_Psyllus._ O sweet consent[838] betweene a crowde[839] and a Jewes harpe!

_Gran._ Come, let us reconcile them.

_Psyllus._ It shall not neede, for this is their use: now doe they 190 dine one upon another. _Exit Diogenes._

_Gran._ [_coming forward with Psyllus_]. How now, Manes, art thou gone from thy master?

_Manes._ No, I did but now binde my selfe to him.

_Psyllus._ Why, you were at mortall jarres! 195

_Manes._ In faith, no; we brake a bitter jest one upon another.

_Gran._ Why, thou art as dogged as he.

_Psyllus._ My father knew them both little whelps.

_Manes._ Well, I will hie me after my master.

_Gran._ Why, is it supper time with Diogenes? 200

_Manes._ I, with him at all time when he hath meate.

_Psyllus._ Why then, every man to his home; and let us steale out againe anone.

_Gran._ Where shall we meete?

_Psyllus._ Why at _Alae[840] vendibili suspensa hædera non est opus_. 205

_Manes._ O Psyllus, _habeo te loco parentis_; thou blessest me. _Exeunt._

Actus secundus.[841] Scæna prima.[842]

ALEXANDER, HEPHESTION, [_and_] PAGE.[843]

_Alex._ Stand aside, sir boy, till you be called. [_The Page stands aside._] Hephestion, how doe you like the sweet face of Campaspe?

_Hep._ I cannot but commende the stout courage of Timoclea.

_Alex._ Without doubt Campaspe had some great man to her father. 5

_Hep._ You know Timoclea had Theagines to her brother.

_Alex._ Timoclea still in thy mouth! Art thou not in love?

_Hep._ Not I.

_Alex._ Not with Timoclea, you meane. Wherein you resemble the lapwing, who crieth most where her nest is not.[844] And so 10 you lead me from espying your love with Campaspe,--you crie Timoclea.

_Hep._ Could I as well subdue kingdomes as I can my thoughts, or were I as farre from ambition as I am from love, all the world would account mee as valiant in armes as I know my selfe moderate in affection. 15

_Alex._ Is love a vice?

_Hep._ It is no vertue.

_Alex._ Well, now shalt thou see what small difference I make between Alexander and Hephestion. And, sith thou hast been 20 alwaies partaker of my triumphes, thou shalt bee partaker of my torments. I love, Hephestion, I love! I love Campaspe,--a thing farre unfit for a Macedonian, for a king, for Alexander. Why hangest thou downe thy head, Hephestion, blushing to heare that which I am not ashamed to tell? 25

_Hep._ Might my words crave pardon and my counsell credit, I would both discharge the duetie of a subject, for so I am, and the office of a friend, for so I will.

_Alex._ Speake Hephestion; for, whatsoever is spoken, Hephestion speaketh to Alexander. 30

_Hep_. I cannot tell, Alexander, whether the report be more shamefull to be heard or the cause sorrowful to be beleeved? What, is the son of Philip, king of Macedon, become the subject of Campaspe, the captive of Thebes? Is that minde whose greatnes the world could not containe drawn within the compasse of an idle, 35 alluring eie? Wil you handle the spindle with Hercules[845] when you should shake the speare with Achilles? Is the warlike sound of drum and trump turned to the soft noise of lyre and lute, the neighing of barbed[846] steeds, whose lowdnes filled the aire with terrour and whose breathes dimmed the sun with smoake, converted to delicate tunes and amorous glances?[847] O Alexander, that soft 40 and yeelding minde should not bee in him whose hard and unconquerd heart hath made so many yeeld. But you love! Ah griefe! But whom? Campaspe. Ah shame! A maide, forsooth, unknowne, unnoble,--and who can tell whether immodest?--whose eyes are framed by art 45 to enamour, and whose heart was made by nature to enchant. I, but shee is beautifull. Yea, but not therefore chaste. I, but she is comely in all parts of the bodie. But shee may bee crooked in some part of the minde. I, but shee is wise. Yea, but she is a woman. Beautie is like the blackberry, which seemeth red when 50 it is not ripe,--resembling precious stones that are polished with honie,[848] which the smoother they looke, the sooner they breake. It is thought wonderfull among the sea-men, that mugill,[849] of all fishes the swiftest, is found in the belly of the bret,[850] of all the slowest: and shall it not seeme monstrous to wise men that the heart of the greatest conquerour of the world should 55 be found in the hands of the weakest creature of nature,--of a woman, of a captive? Hermyns have faire skins, but foule livers; sepulchres fresh colours, but rotten bones; women faire faces, but false hearts. Remember, Alexander, thou hast a campe to governe, not a chamber. Fall not from the armour of Mars to the armes of 60 Venus, from the fierie assaults of warre to the maidenly skirmishes of love, from displaying the eagle in thine ensigne to set downe the sparrow. I sigh, Alexander, that, where fortune could not conquer, folly should overcome. But behold all the perfection that may bee in Campaspe: a haire curling by nature, not art; 65 sweete alluring eyes; a faire face made in despite of Venus; and a stately port in disdaine of Juno; a wit apt to conceive and quicke to answere; a skinne as soft as silke and as smooth as jet; a long white hand; a fine little foot,--to conclude, all parts answerable to the best part. What of this? Though she have heavenly gifts, 70 vertue and beautie, is shee not of earthly metall, flesh and bloud? You, Alexander, that would be a god, shew your selfe in this worse than a man, so soone to be both overseene and over-taken[851] in a woman, whose false teares know their true times, whose smooth words wound deeper than sharpe swords. There is no surfet so dangerous 75 as that of honie, nor any poyson so deadly as that of love: in the one physicke cannot prevaile, nor in the other counsell.