Part 30

_Gammer._ Now ware thy throte, losell, thouse paye[704] for al!

_Hodge._ Well said, Gammer, by my soule. 45 Hoyse her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull out her throte boule!

_Chat._ Comst behynd me, thou withered witch? and I get once on foote Thouse pay for all, thou old tarlether! ile teach the what longs to it! Take the this to make up thy mouth, til time thou come by more!

_Hodge._ Up, Gammer, stande on your feete; where is the olde hore? 50 Faith, woulde chad her by the face, choulde cracke her callet crowne!

_Gammer._ A Hodg, Hodg, where was thy help, when fixen had me downe?

_Hodge._ By the masse, Gammer, but for my staffe Chat had gone nye to spyl you! Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not com, to kill you. But shall we loose our neele thus?

_Gammer._ No Hodge chwarde[705] lothe doo soo, 55 Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand? no, Hodg, ich tell the no!

_Hodge._ Chold yet this fray wer wel take up, and our neele at home. Twill be my chaunce else some to kil, wher ever it be or whome!

_Gammer._ We have a parson, Hodge, thou knoes, a man estemed wise, Mast Doctor Rat; chil for hym send, and let me here his advise. 60 He will her shrive for all this gere, and geve her penaunce strait; Wese[706] have our neele, els Dame Chat comes nere within heaven gate.

_Hodge._ Ye, mary, Gammer, that ich think best; wyll you now for him send? The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the soner wese ha an ende, And here, Gammer! Dyccons devill, as iche remember well, 65 Of cat, and Chat, and Doctor Rat, a felloneus tale dyd tell. Chold you forty pound, that is the way your neele to get againe.

_Gammer._ Chil ha him strait! Call out the boy, wese make him take the payn.

_Hodge._ What, Co[c]ke, I saye! come out! What devill! canst not here?

_Cocke._ How now, Hodg? how does Gammer, is yet the wether cleare? 70 What wold chave[707] me to do?

_Gammer._ Come hether, Cocke, anon! Hence swythe[708] to Doctor Rat, hye the that thou were gone, And pray hym come speke with me, cham not well at ease. Shalt have him at his chamber, or els at Mother Bees; Els seeke him at Hob Fylchers shop, for as charde it reported, 75 There is the best ale in al the towne, and now is most resorted.

_Cocke._ And shall ich brynge hym with me, Gammer?

_Gammer._ Yea, by and by, good Cocke.

_Cocke._ Shalt see that shal be here anone, els let me have on the docke.[709]

_Hodge._ Now, Gammer, shall we two go in, and tary for hys commynge? What devill, woman! plucke up your hart, and leve of al this glomming.[710] 80 Though she were stronger at the first, as ich thinke ye did find her, Yet there ye drest the dronken sow, what time ye cam behind her.

_Gammer._ Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all, for, set thend to the beginning, And ich doubt not but she will make small bost of her winning.

The iii Acte. The iiii Sceane.

TYB. HODGE. GAMMER. COCKE.

_Tyb._ Se, Gammer, Gammer, Gib, our cat, cham afraid what she ayleth; She standes me gasping behind the doore, as though her winde her faileth: Now let ich doubt what Gib shuld mean, that now she doth so dote.

_Hodge._ Hold hether! I chould twenty pound, your neele is in her throte. Grope her, ich say, me thinkes ich feele it; does not pricke your hand? 5

_Gammer._ Ich can feele nothing.

_Hodge._ No, ich know thars not within this land A muryner cat then Gyb is, betwixt the Tems and Tyne; Shase as much wyt in her head almost as chave in mine!

_Tyb._ Faith, shase eaten some thing, that will not easily downe; Whether she gat it at home, or abrode in the towne 10 Ich can not tell.

_Gammer._ Alas ich feare it be some croked pyn! And then farewell Gyb! she is undone, and lost al save the skyn!

_Hodge._ Tys[711] your neele, woman, I say! Gogs soule! geve me a knyfe, And chil have it out[712] of her mawe, or els chal lose my lyfe!

_Gammer._ What! nay, Hodg, fy! Kil not our cat, tis al the cats we ha now. 15

_Hodge._ By the masse, Dame Chat hays me so moved,[713] iche care not what I kyll, ma[714] God a vowe! Go to, then, Tyb, to this geare! holde up har tayle and take her! Chil see what devil is in her guts! chil take the paines to rake her!

_Gammer._ Rake a cat, Hodge! what woldst thou do?

_Hodge._ What, thinckst that cham not able? Did not Tom Tankard rake his curtal toore[715] day standing in the stable? 20

_Gammer._ Soft! be content, lets here what newes Cocke bringeth from Maist Rat.

_Cocke._ Gammer, chave ben ther as you bad, you wot wel about what. Twill not be long before he come, ich durst sweare of a booke. He byds you see ye be at home, and there for him to looke.

_Gammer._ Where didst thou find him, boy? was he not wher I told thee? 25

_Cocke._ Yes, yes, even at Hob Filchers house, by him that bought and solde me! A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fyer; Chad much a do to go and come, al was so ful of myer. And, Gammer, one thing I can tel, Hob Filchers naule was loste, And Doctor Rat found it againe, hard beside the doore poste. 30 I chould a penny can say something your neele againe to set.

_Gammer._ Cham glad to heare so much, Cocke, then trust he wil not let To helpe us herein best he can; therfore tyl time he come Let us go in; if there be ought to get thou shall have some.

The iiii Acte. The i Sceane.[716] D

DOCTOR RAT. GAMMER GURTON.

_D. Rat._ A man were better twenty times be a bandog and barke, Then here among such a sort be parish priest or clarke, Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while a day, But he must trudge about the towne, this way and that way; Here to a drab, there to a theefe, his shoes to teare and rent, 5 And that which is worst of al, at every knaves commaundement! I had not sit the space to drinke two pots of ale, But Gammer Gurtons sory boy was straite way at my taile, And she was sicke, and I must come, to do I wot not what! If once her fingers end but ake, trudge! call for Doctor Rat! 10 And when I come not at their call, I only therby loose; For I am sure to lacke therfore a tythe pyg or a goose. I warrant you, when truth is knowen, and told they have their tale, The matter where about I come is not worth a halfpeny worth of ale; Yet must I talke so sage and smothe, as though I were a glosier 15 Els, or the yere come at an end, I shal be sure the loser. What worke ye, Gammer Gurton? hoow? here is your frend M[ast] Rat.

_Gammer._ A! good M[ast] Doctor! cha trebled, cha trebled you, chwot wel that!

_D. Rat._ How do ye, woman? be ye lustie, or be ye not well at ease?

_Gammer._ By gys, Master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease.[717] 20 Chad a foule turne now of late, chill tell it you, by gigs!

_D. Rat._ Hath your browne cow cast hir calfe, or your sandy sowe her pigs?

_Gammer._ No, but chad ben as good they had as this, ich wot weel.

_D. Rat._ What is the matter?

_Gammer._ Alas, alas! cha lost my good neele! My neele, I say, and wot ye what, a drab came by and spied it, 25 And when I asked hir for the same, the filth flatly denied it.

_D. Rat._ What was she that?

_Gammer._ A dame, ich warrant you! She began to scold and brawle-- Alas, alas! Come hether, Hodge! this wr[e]tche can tell you all.

The iiii. Acte. The ii Sceane.[718]

HODGE. DOCTOR RAT. GAMMER. DICCON. CHAT.

_Hodge._ God morow, Gaffer Vicar.

_D. Rat._ Come on, fellow, let us heare! Thy dame hath sayd to me, thou knowest of all this geare; Lets see what thou canst saie.

_Hodge._ Bym fay, sir, that ye shall. What matter so ever there was done, ich can tell your maship [all]: My Gammer Gurton heare, see now, 5 sat her downe at this doore, see now; And, as she began to stirre her, see now, her neele fell to the floore, see now; And while her staffe shee tooke, see now, at Gyb her cat to flynge, see now, 10 Her neele was lost in the floore, see now. Is not this a wondrous thing, see now? Then came the queane Dame Chat, see now, to aske for hir blacke cup, see now: And even here at this gate, see now, 15 she tooke that neele up, see now: My Gammer then she yeede,[719] see now, her neele againe to bring, see now, And was caught by the head, see now. Is not this a wondrous thing, see now? 20 She tare my Gammers cote, see now, and scratched hir by the face, see now; Chad thought shad stopt hir throte, see now. Is not this a wondrous case, see now? When ich saw this, ich was wrothe,[720] see now, 25 and start betwene them twaine, see now; Els ich durst take a booke othe, see now, my gammer had bene slaine, see now.

_Gammer._ This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly tolde; And chould faine be quiet for my part, that chould. 30 But help us, good Master, beseech ye that ye doo: Els shall we both be beaten and lose our neele too.

_D. Rat._ What wold ye have me to doo? tel me, that I were gone; I will do the best that I can, to set you both at one. But be ye sure Dame Chat hath this your neele founde? 35

_Gammer._ Here comes the man that see hir take it up of the ground. Aske him your selfe, Master Rat, if ye beleve not me: And help me to my neele, for Gods sake and Saint Charitie!

_D. Rat._ Come nere, Diccon, and let us heare what thou can expresse. Wilt thou be sworne thou seest Dame Chat this womans neele have? 40

_Diccon._ Nay, by S. Benit, wil I not, then might ye thinke me rave!

_Gammer._ Why, didst not thou tel me so even here? canst thou for shame deny it?

_Diccon._ I, mary, Gammer; but I said I would not abide by it.

_D. Rat._ Will you say a thing, and not sticke to it to trie it?

_Diccon._ "Stick to it," quoth you, Master Rat? mary, sir, I defy it! 45 Nay, there is many an honest man, when he suche blastes hath blowne In his freindes eares, he woulde be loth the same by him were knowne. If such a toy be used oft among the honestie, It may beseme a simple man of your and my degree.

_D. Rat._ Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell! 50

_Diccon._ Yea, mary, sir, if ye will do by mine advise and counsaile. If Mother Chat se al us here, she knoweth how the matter goes; Therfore I red you three go hence, and within keepe close, And I will into Dame Chats house, and so the matter use, That or[721] you cold go twise to church I warant you here news. 55 She shall look wel about hir, but, I durst lay a pledge, Ye shal of Gammers neele have shortly better knowledge.

_Gammer._ Now, gentle Diccon, do so, and, good sir, let us trudge.

_D. Rat._ By the masse, I may not tarry so long to be your judge.

_Diccon._ Tys but a little while, man; what! take so much paine! 60 If I here no newes of it, I wil come sooner againe.

_Hodge._ Tary so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentlenes!

_D. Rat._ Then let us hie us inward, and, Diccon, speede thy busines.

_Diccon._[722] Now, sirs, do you no more, but kepe my counsaile juste, And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust. 65 But Mother Chat, my gossop, talke first with-all I must: For she must be chiefe captaine to lay the Rat in the dust. God deven, dame Chat, in faith, and wel met in this place!

_Chat._ God deven, my friend Diccon; whether walke ye this pace?

_Diccon._ By my truth, even to you, to learne how the world goeth. 70 Hard ye no more of the other matter? say me, now, by your troth!

_Chat._ O yes, Diccon, here the old hoore, and Hodge, that great knave-- But, in faith, I would thou hadst sene,--O Lord, I drest them brave! She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the necke, Till I made hir olde wesen to answere againe, "kecke!" 75 And Hodge, that dirty dastard, that at hir elbow standes,-- If one pair of legs had not bene worth two paire of hands, He had had his bearde shaven if my nayles wold have served, Dij And not without a cause, for the knave it well deserved.

_Diccon._ By the masse, I can the thank, wench, thou didst so wel acquite the! 80

_Chat._ And thadst scene him, Diccon, it wold have made the beshite the For laughter. The horsen dolt at last caught up a club, As though he would have slaine the master devil Belsabub. But I set him soone inwarde.

_Diccon._ O Lorde, there is the thing That Hodge is so offended! that makes him start and flyng! 85

_Chat._ Why? makes the knave any moyling, as ye have seen or hard?

_Diccon._ Even now I sawe him last, like a mad man he farde, And sware by heven and hell he would awreake his sorowe, And leve you never a hen on live, by eight of the clock to morow; Therfore marke what I say, and my wordes see that ye trust. 90 Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the ruste.

_Chat._ The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground.

_Diccon._ Wel, yet take hede I say, I must tel you my tale round. Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or leade[723] A hole where a crafty knave may crepe in for neade? 95

_Chat._ Yes, by the masse, a hole broke down, even within these two dayes.

_Diccon._ Hodge he intends this same night to slip in there awayes.

_Chat._ O Christ! that I were sure of it! in faith he shuld have his mede!

_Diccon._ Watch wel, for the knave wil be there as sure as is your crede. I wold spend my selfe a shilling to have him swinged well. 100

_Chat._ I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to here tell. By Gogs bones, when he commeth, now that I know the matter, He shal sure at the first skip to leape in scalding water, With a worse turne besides; when he will, let him come.

_Diccon._ I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth "mum"! [724]Now lacke I but my doctor to play his part againe. 106 And lo where he commeth towards, peradventure to his paine!

_D. Rat._ What good newes, Diccon, fellow? is Mother Chat at home?

_Diccon._ She is, syr, and she is not, but it please her to whome; Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was. 110

_D. Rat._ The thing that thou wentst for, hast thou brought it to passe?

_Diccon._ I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better, And Dame Chat at her wyts ende I have almost set her.

_D. Rat._ Why, hast thou spied the neele? quickly, I pray thee, tell!

_Diccon._ I have spyed it, in faith, sir, I handled my selfe so well; 115 And yet the crafty queane had almost take my trumpe. But or all came to an ende, I set her in a dumpe.

_D. Rat._ How so, I pray thee, Diccon?

_Diccon._ Mary, syr, will ye heare? She was clapt downe on the backside, by Cocks mother dere, And there she sat sewing a halter or a bande, 120 With no other thing save Gammers nedle in her hande. As soone as any knocke, if the filth be in doubte, She needes but once puffe, and her candle is out: Now I, sir, knowing of every doore the pin, Came nycely, and said no worde, till time I was within; 125 And there I sawe the neele, even with these two eyes; Who ever say the contrary, I will sweare he lyes.

_D. Rat._ O Diccon, that I was not there then in thy steade!

_Diccon._ Well, if ye will be ordred, and do by my reade, I will bring you to a place, as the house standes, 130 Where ye shall take the drab with the neele in hir handes.

_D. Rat._ For Gods sake do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gowne To geve thee a full pot of the best ale in the towne.

_Diccon._ Follow me but a litle, and marke what I will say; Lay downe your gown beside you; go to, come on your way! 135 Se ye not what is here? a hole wherin ye may creepe Into the house, and sodenly unwares among them leape; There shal ye finde the bitchfox and the neele together. Do as I bid you, man, come on your wayes hether!

_D. Rat._ Art thou sure, Diccon, the swil-tub standes not here aboute? 140

_Diccon._ I was within my selfe, man, even now, there is no doubt. Go softly, make no noyse; give me your foote, Sir John. Here will I waite upon you, tyl you come out anone.

_D. Rat._ Helpe, Diccon! out, alas! I shal be slaine among them!

_Diccon._ If they give you not the nedle, tel them that ye will hang them. 145 Ware that! Hoow, my wenches! have ye caught the Foxe That used to make revel among your hennes an Cocks? Save his life yet for his order, though he susteine some paine. Gogs bread! I am afraide they wil beate out his braine.

_D. Rat._ Wo worth the houre that I came heare! 150 And wo worth him that wrought this geare! A sort of drabs and queanes have me blest-- Was ever creature halfe so evill drest? Who ever it wrought, and first did invent it He shall, I warrant him, erre long repent it! 155 I will spend all I have without my skinne Diii But he shall be brought to the plight I am in! Master Bayly, I trow, and he be worth his eares, Will snaffle these murderers and all that them beares.[725] I will surely neither byte nor suppe 160 Till I fetch him hether, this matter to take up.

The v. Acte. The i. Sceane.

MASTER BAYLY. DOCTOR RAT.

_Bayly._ I can perceive none other, I speke it from my hart, But either ye ar in al the fault, or els in the greatest part.

_D. Rat._ If it be counted his fault, besides all his greeves, When a poore man is spoyled and beaten among theeves, Then I confess my fault herein, at this season; 5 But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.

_Bayly._ And, me thinkes, by your owne tale, of all that ye name, If any plaid the theefe, you were the very same. The women they did nothing, as your words make probation, But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion. 10 If that a theefe at your window to enter should begin, Wold you hold forth your hand and helpe to pull him in? Or you wold kepe him out? I pray you answere me.

_D. Rat._ Mary, kepe him out, and a good cause why! But I am no theefe, sir, but an honest learned clarke. 15

_Bayly._ Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the darke? I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose! Was it any marvaile though the poore woman arose And start up, being afraide of that was in hir purse? Me thinke you may be glad that you[r] lucke was no worse. 20

_D. Rat._ Is not this evill ynough, I pray you, as you thinke?

(_Showing his broken head._)

_Bayly._ Yea, but a man in the darke, if[726] chaunces do wincke, As soone he smites his father as any other man, Because for lacke of light discerne him he ne can. Might it not have ben your lucke with a spit to have ben slaine? 25

_D. Rat._ I think I am litle better, my scalpe is cloven to the braine. If there be all the remedy, I know who beares the k[n]ockes.

_Bayly._ By my troth, and well worthy besides to kisse the stockes! To come in on the backe side, when ye might go about! I know non such, unles they long to have their braines knockt out. 30

_D. Rat._ Well, wil you be so good, sir, as talke with Dame Chat, And know what she intended? I aske no more but that.

_Bayly._ Let her be called, fellow,[727] because of Master Doctor, I warrant in this case she wil be hir owne proctor; She will tel hir owne tale in metter or in prose, 35 And byd you seeke your remedy, and so go wype your nose.

The v. Acte. The ii Sceane.

M. BAYLY. CHAT. D. RAT. GAMMER. HODGE. DICCON.

_Bayly._ Dame Chat, Master Doctor upon you here complained That you and your maides shuld him much misorder, And taketh many an oth, that no word he fained, Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder; And on his part againe, that same man saith furder 5 He never offended you in word nor intent. To heare you answer hereto, we have now for you sent.

_Chat._ That I wold have murdered him? fye on him, wretch, And evil mought he thee[728] for it, our Lord I beseech. I will swere on al the bookes that opens and shuttes, 10 He faineth this tale out of his owne guttes; For this seven weekes with me I am sure he sat not downe. Nay, ye have other minions, in the other end of the towne, Where ye were liker to catch such a blow, Then any where els, as farre as I know! 15

_Bayly._ Belike, then, Master Doctor, yon[729] stripe there ye got not!

_D. Rat._ Thinke you I am so mad that where I was bet I wot not? Wil ye beleve this queane, before she hath tryd it? It is not the first dede she hath done, and afterward denide it.

_Chat._ What, man, will you say I broke you[r] heade? 20

_D. Rat._ How canst thou prove the contrary?

_Chat._ Nay, how provest thou that I did the deade?

_D. Rat._ To plainly, by S. Mary, This profe I trow may serve, though I no word spoke!

(_Showing his broken head._) DIV

_Chat._ Bicause thy head is broken, was it I that it broke? 25 I saw thee, Rat, I tel thee, not once within this fortnight.

_D. Rat._ No mary, thou sawest me not, for why thou hadst no light; But I felt thee for al the darke, beshrew thy smothe cheekes! And thou groped me, this wil declare any day this six weekes.

(_Showing his heade._)

_Bayly._ Answere me to this, M[ast] Rat: when caught you this harme of yours? 30

_D. Rat._ A while ago, sir, God he knoweth, within les then these two houres.

_Bayly._ Dame Chat, was there none with you (confesse, i-faith) about that season? What, woman? let it be what it wil, tis neither felony nor treason.