Part 17

SYR JHAN _the Preest_.

Who is there nowe that wolde have me? What! Johan Johan! what newes with the?

_Johan._ Mary, Syr, to tell you shortly, My wyfe and I pray you hartely, And eke desyre you wyth all our myght, 320 That ye wolde come and sup with us to nyght.

_Syr J._ Ye must pardon me, in fayth I ne can.

_Johan._ Yes, I desyre you, good Syr Johan, Take payne this ones; and, yet at the lest, If ye wyll do nought at my request, 325 Yet do somewhat for the love of my wyfe.

_Syr J._ I wyll not go, for makyng of stryfe. But I shall tell the what thou shalte do, Thou shall tary and sup with me, or thou go.

_Johan._ Wyll ye not go than? why so? 330 I pray you tell me, is there any dysdayne, Or ony enmyte, betwene you twayne?

_Syr J._ In fayth to tell the, betwene the and me, She is as wyse a woman as any may be; I know it well; for I have had the charge B i 335 Of her soule, and serchyd her conscyens at large. I never knew her but honest and wyse, Without any yvyll, or any vyce, Save one faut, I know in her no more, And because I rebuke her, now and then, therfore, 340 She is angre with me, and hath me in hate; And yet that that I do, I do it for your welth.

_Johan._ Now God yeld it yow, god master curate, And as ye do, so send you your helth, Ywys I am bound to you a plesure. 345

_Syr J._ Yet thou thynkyst amys, peradventure, That of her body she shuld not be a good woman, But I shall tell the what I have done, Johan, For that matter; she and I be somtyme aloft, And I do lye uppon her, many a tyme and oft, 350 To prove her, yet could I never espy That ever any dyd worse with her than I.

_Johan._ Syr, that is the lest care I have of nyne, Thankyd be God, and your good doctryne; But yf it please you, tell me the matter, 355 And the debate[269] betwene you and her.

_Syr J._ I shall tell the, but thou must kepe secret.

_Johan._ As for that, Syr, I shall not let.

_Syr J._ I shall tell the now the matter playn,-- She is angry with me and hath me in dysdayn 360 Because that I do her oft intyce To do some penaunce, after myne advyse, Because she wyll never leve her wrawlyng,[270] But alway with the she is chydyng and brawlyng; And therfore I knowe, she hatyth [my] presens. 365

_Johan._ Nay, in good feyth, savyng your reverens.

_Syr J._ I know very well, she hath me in hate.

_Johan._ Nay, I dare swere for her, master curate: [_Aside_] But, was I not a very knave? I thought surely, so god me save, 370 That he had lovyd my wyfe, for to deseyve me, And now he quytyth hym-self; and here I se He doth as much as he may, for his lyfe, To styn[te][271] the debate betwene me and my wyfe.

_Syr J._ If ever she dyd, or though[t][272] me any yll, 375 Now I forgyve her with m[y][273] fre wyll; Therfore, Johan Johan, now get the home And thank thy wyfe, and say I wyll not come.

_Johan._ Yet, let me know, now, good Syr Johan, B i _b_ Where ye wyll go to supper than. 380

_Syr J._ I care nat greatly and I tell the. On saterday last, I and ii or thre Of my frendes made an appoyntement, And agaynst this nyght we dyd assent That in a place we wolde sup together; 385 And one of them sayd, he[274] wolde brynge thether Ale and bread; and for my parte, I Sayd, that I wolde gyve them a pye, And there I gave them money for the makynge; And an-other sayd, she wolde pay for the bakyng; 390 And so we purpose to make good chere For to dryve away care and thought.

_Johan._ Than I pray you, Syr, tell me here, Whyther shulde all this geare be brought?

_Syr J._ By my fayth, and I shulde not lye, 395 It shulde be delyvered to thy wyfe, the pye.

_Johan._ By God! it is at my house, standyng by the fyre.

_Syr J._ Who bespake that pye? I the requyre.

_Johan._ By my feyth, and I shall not lye, It was my wyfe, and her gossyp Margerye, 400 And your good masshyp,[275] callyd Syr Johan, And my neybours yongest doughter An; Your masshyp payde for the stuffe and makyng, And Margery she payde for the bakyng.[276]

_Syr J._ If thou wylte have me nowe, in faithe I wyll go. 405

_Johan._ Ye, mary, I beseche your masshyp do so, My wyfe taryeth for none but us twayne; She thynketh longe or I come agayne.

_Syr J._ Well nowe, if she chyde me in thy presens, I wylbe content, and take [it] in pacyens. 410

_Johan._ By cokkis soule, and she ones chyde, Or frowne, or loure, or loke asyde, I shall brynge you a staffe as myche as I may heve, Than bete her and spare not; I gyve you good leve To chastyce her for her shreude varyeng. 415 [_They return to_ JOHAN'S _house_.]

_Tyb._ The devyll take the for thy long taryeng! Here is not a whyt of water, by my gowne, To washe our handes that we myght syt downe; Go and hye the, as fast as a snayle, And with fayre water fyll me this payle. 420

_Johan._ I thanke our Lorde of his good grace That I cannot rest longe in a place.

_Tyb._ Go, fetche water, I say, at a worde, B ii For it is tyme the pye were on the borde; And go with a vengeance, & say thou art prayde. 425

_Syr. J._ A! good gossyp! is that well sayde?

_Tyb._ Welcome, myn owne swete harte, We shall make some chere or we departe.

_Johan._ Cokkis soule, loke howe he approcheth nere Unto my wyfe: this abateth my chere. [_Exit._] 430

_Syr J._ By God, I wolde ye had harde the tryfyls, The toys, the mokkes, the fables, and the nyfyls,[277] That I made thy husbande to beleve and thynke! Thou myghtest as well into the erthe synke, As thou coudest forbeare laughyng any whyle. 435

_Tyb._ I pray the let me here part of that wyle.

_Syr J._ Mary, I shall tell the as fast as I can. But peas, no more--yonder cometh thy good man.

[_Re-enter_ JOHAN.]

_Johan._ Cokkis soule, what have we here? As far as I sawe, he drewe very nere 440 Unto my wyfe.

_Tyb._ What, art come so sone? Gyve us water to wasshe nowe--have done.

_Than he bryngeth the payle empty._

_Johan._ By kockes soule, it was, even nowe, full to the brynk, But it was out agayne or I coude thynke; Wherof I marveled, by God Almyght, 445 And than I loked betwene me and the lyght And I spyed a clyfte, bothe large and wyde. Lo, wyfe! here it is on the tone[278] syde.

_Tyb._ Why dost not stop it?

_Johan._ Why, howe shall I do it?

_Tyb._ Take a lytle wax.

_Johan._ Howe shal I come to it? 450

_Syr J._ Mary, here be ii wax candyls, I say, Whiche my gossyp Margery gave me yesterday.

_Tyb._ Tusshe, let hym alone, for, by the rode, It is pyte to helpe hym, or do hym good.

_Syr J._ What! Jhan Jhan, canst thou make no shyfte? 455 Take this waxe, and stop therwith the clyfte.

_Johan._ This waxe is as harde as any wyre.

_Tyb._ Thou must chafe it a lytle at the fyre.

_Johan._ She that boughte the these waxe candylles twayne, She is a good companyon certayn. 460

_Tyb._ What, was it not my gossyp Margery?

_Syr J._ Yes, she is a blessed woman surely.

_Tyb._ Nowe wolde God I were as good as she, For she is vertuous, and full of charyte.

_Johan_ [_aside_]. Nowe, so God helpe me; and by my holydome,[279] 465 She is the erranst baud betwene this and Rome.

_Tyb._ What sayst? B ii _b_

_Johan._ Mary, I chafe the wax, And I chafe it so hard that my fingers krakks. But take up this py that I here torne; And it stand long, y-wys it wyll borne. 470

_Tyb._ Ye, but thou must chafe the wax, I say.

_Johan._ Byd hym syt down, I the pray-- Syt down, good Syr Johan, I you requyre.

_Tyb._ Go, I say, and chafe the wax by the fyre, Whyle that we sup, Syr Jhan and I. 475

_Johan._ And how now, what wyll ye do with the py? Shall I not ete therof a morsell?

_Tyb._ Go and chafe the wax whyle thou art well, And let us have no more pratyng thus.

_Syr. J._ _Benedicite._

_Johan._ _Dominus._ 480

_Tyb._ Now go chafe the wax, with a myschyfe.

_Johan._ What! I come to blysse the bord,[280] swete wyfe! It is my custome now and than. Mych good do it you, Master Syr Jhan.

_Tyb._ Go chafe the wax, and here no lenger tary. 485

_Johan_ [_aside_]. And is not this a very purgatory To se folkis ete, and may not ete a byt? By kokkis soule, I am a very wodcok. This payle here, now a vengaunce take it! Now my wyfe gyveth me a proud mok! 490

_Tyb._ What dost?

_Johan._ Mary, I chafe the wax here, And I ymagyn to make you good chere, [_Aside._] That a vengaunce take you both as ye syt, For I know well I shall not ete a byt. But yet, in feyth, yf I myght ete one morsell, 495 I wold thynk the matter went very well.

_Syr J._ Gossyp, Jhan Jhan, now mych good do it you. What chere make you, there by the fyre?

_Johan._ Master parson, I thank yow now; I fare well enow after myne own desyre. 500

_Syr J._ What dost, Jhan Jhan, I the requyre?

_Johan._ I chafe the wax here by the fyre.

_Tyb._ Here is good drynk, and here is a good py.

_Syr J._ We fare very well, thankyd be our lady.

_Tyb._ Loke how the kokold chafyth the wax that is hard, 505 And for his lyfe, daryth not loke hetherward.

_Syr J._ What doth my gossyp?

_Johan._ I chafe the wax-- [_Aside._] And I chafe it so hard that my fyngers krakks; And eke the smoke puttyth out my eyes two: I burne my face, and ray my clothys also, B iii 510 And yet I dare not say one word, And they syt laughyng yender at the bord.

_Tyb._ Now, by my trouth, it is a prety jape, For a wyfe to make her husband her ape. Loke of Jhan Jhan, which maketh hard shyft 515 To chafe the wax, to stop therwith the clyft.

_Johan_ [_aside_]. Ye, that a vengeance take ye both two, Both hym and the, and the and hym also; And that ye may choke with the same mete At the furst mursell that ye do ete. 520

_Tyb._ Of what thyng now dost thou clatter, Jhan Jhan? or whereof dost thou patter?

_Johan._ I chafe the wax, and make hard shyft To stopt her-with of the payll the ryft.

_Syr J._ So must he do, Jhan Jhan, by my father kyn, 525 That is bound of wedlok in the yoke.

_Johan_ [_aside_]. Loke how the pyld preest crammyth in; That wold to God he myght therwith choke.

_Tyb._ Now, Master Parson, pleasyth your goodnes To tell us some tale of myrth or sadnes, 530 For our pastyme, in way of communycacyon.

_Syr J._ I am content to do it for our recreacyon, And of iii myracles I shall to you say.

_Johan._ What, must I chafe the wax all day, And stond here, rostyng by the fyre? 535

_Syr J._ Thou must do somwhat at thy wyves desyre! I know a man whych weddyd had a wyfe, As fayre a woman as ever bare lyfe, And within a senyght after, ryght sone He went beyond se, and left her alone, 540 And taryed there about a vii yere; And as he cam homeward he had a hevy chere, For it was told hym that she was in heven. But, when that he comen home agayn was, He found his wyfe, and with her chyldren seven, 545 Whiche she had had in the mene space; Yet had she not had so many by thre Yf she had not had the help of me. Is not this a myracle, yf ever were any, That this good wyfe shuld have chyldren so many 550 Here in this town, whyle her husband shuld be Beyond the se, in a farre contre.

_Johan._ Now, in good soth, this is a wonderous myracle, But for your labour, I wolde that your tacle B iii _b_ Were in a skaldyng water well sod. 555

_Tyb._ Peace, I say, thou lettest the worde of God.

_Sir J._ An other myracle eke I shall you say, Of a woman, whiche that many a day Had been wedded, and in all that season She had no chylde, nother doughter nor son; 560 Wherfore to Saynt Modwin[281] she went on pilgrimage, And offered there a lyve pyg, as is the usage Of the wyves that in London dwell; And through the vertue therof, truly to tell, Within a moneth after, ryght shortly, 565 She was delyvered of a chylde as moche as I. How say you, is not this myracle wonderous?

_Johan._ Yes, in good soth, syr, it is marvelous; But surely, after myn opynyon, That chylde was nother doughter nor son. 570 For certaynly, and I be not begylde, She was delyvered of a knave chylde.

_Tyb._ Peas, I say, for Goddis passyon, Thou lettest Syr Johan's communication.

_Sir J._ The thyrde myracle also is this: 575 I knewe another woman eke y-wys, Whiche was wedded, & within v. monthis after She was delyvered of a fayre doughter, As well formed in every membre & joynt, And as perfyte in every poynt 580 As though she had gone v monthis full to th' ende. Lo! here is v monthis of advantage.

_Johan._ A wonderous myracle! so God me mende; I wolde eche wyfe that is bounde in maryage, And that is wedded here within this place, 585 Myght have as quicke spede in every suche case.

_Tyb._ Forsoth, Syr Johan, yet for all that I have sene the day that pus, my cat, Hath had in a yere kytlyns eyghtene.

_Johan._ Ye, Tyb, my wyfe, and that have I sene. 590 But howe say you, Syr Jhan, was it good, your pye? The dyvell the morsell that therof eate I. By the good lorde this is a pyteous warke-- But nowe I se well the olde proverbe is treu: The parysshe preest forgetteth that ever he was clarke! 595 But, Syr Jhan, doth not remembre you How I was your clerke, & holpe you masse to syng, And hylde the basyn alway at the offryng? B iv He never had halfe so good a clarke as I! But, notwithstandyng all this, nowe our pye 600 Is eaten up, there is not lefte a byt, And you two together there do syt, Eatynge and drynkynge at your owne desyre, And I am Johan Johan, whiche must stande by the fyre Chafyng the wax, and dare none other wyse do. 605

_Syr J._ And shall we alway syt here styll, we two? That were to mych.

_Tyb._ Then ryse we out of this place.

_Syr J._ And kys me than in the stede of grace; And farewell leman and my love so dere.

_Johan._ Cokkis body, this waxe it waxte colde agayn here;-- 610 But what! shall I anone go to bed, And eate nothyng, nother meate nor brede? I have not be wont to have suche fare.

_Tyb._ Why! were ye not served there as ye are, Chafyng the waxe, standying by the fyre? 615

_Johan._ Why, what mete gave ye me, I you requyre?

_Sir J._ Wast thou not served, I pray the hartely, Both with the brede, the ale, and the pye?

_Johan._ No, syr, I had none of that fare.

_Tyb._ Why! were ye not served there as ye are, 620 Standyng by the fyre chafyng the waxe?

_Johan._ Lo, here be many tryfyls and knakks-- By kokkis soule, they wene I am other dronke or mad.

_Tyb._ And had ye no meate, Johan Johan? no had?

_Johan._ No, Tyb my wyfe, I had not a whyt. 625

_Tyb._ What, not a morsel?

_Johan._ No, not one byt; For honger, I trowe, I shall fall in a sowne.

_Sir J._ O, that were pyte, I swere by my crowne.

_Tyb._ But is it trewe?

_Johan._ Ye, for a surete.

_Tyb._ Dost thou ly?

_Johan._ No, so mote I the![282] 630

_Tyb._ Hast thou had nothyng?

_Johan._ No, not a byt.

_Tyb._ Hast thou not dronke?

_Johan._ No, not a whyt.

_Tyb._ Where wast thou?

_Johan._ By the fyre I dyd stande.

_Tyb._ What dydyst?

_Johan._ I chafed this waxe in my hande, Where-as I knewe of wedded men the payne 635 That they have, and yet dare not complayne; For the smoke put out my eyes two, I burned my face, and rayde my clothes also, Mendyng the payle, whiche is so rotten and olde, That it will not skant together holde; 640 And syth it is so, and syns that ye twayn Wold gyve me no meate for my suffysance, B iv _b_ By ko[k]kis soule I wyll take no lenger payn, Ye shall do all yourself, with a very vengaunce, For me, and take thou there thy payle now, 645 And yf thou canst mend it, let me se how.

_Tyb._ A! horson's knave! hast thou brok my payll? Thou shall repent, by kokkis lylly nayll. Rech me my dystaf, or my clyppyng sherys: I shall make the blood ronne about his erys. 650

_Johan._ Nay, stand styll, drab, I say, and come no nere, For by kokkis blood, yf thou come here, Or yf thou onys styr toward this place, I shall throw this shovyll full of colys in thy face.

_Tyb._ Ye! horson dryvyll! get the out of my dore. 655

_Johan._ Nay! get thou out of my house, thou prestis hore.

_Sir J._ Thou lyest, horson kokold, evyn to thy face.

_Johan._ And thou lyest, pyld preest, with an evyll grace.

_Tyb._ And thou lyest.

_Johan._ And thou lyest, Syr.

_Syr J._ And thou lyest agayn.

_Johan._ By kokkis soule, horson preest, thou shalt be slayn; 660 Thou hast eate our pye, and gyve me nought, By kokkes blod, it shal be full derely bought.

_Tyb._ At hym, Syr Johan, or els God gyve the sorow.

_Johan._ And have at your hore and thefe, Saynt George to borrow.[283]

_Here they fyght by the erys a whyle, and than the preest and the wyfe go out of the place._

_Johan._ A! syrs! I have payd some of them even as I lyst, 665 They have borne many a blow wilh my fyst, I thank God, I have walkyd them well, And dryven them hens. But yet, can ye tell Whether they be go? for by God, I fere me, That they be gon together, he and she, 670 Unto his chamber, and perhappys she wyll, Spyte of my hart, tary there styll, And, peradventure, there, he and she Wyll make me cokold, evyn to anger me; And then had I a pyg in the woyrs[284] panyer, 675 Therfor, by God, I wyll hye me thyder To se yf they do me any vylany: And thus fare well this noble company.

FINIS

Imprinted by Wyllyam Rastell the xii day of February the yere of our Lord MCCCC and XXXIII _Cum privilegio_

FOOTNOTES:

[229] The _New Eng. Dict._ quotes from Fuller's _Worthies_: "St. Anthonie is notoriously known for the patron of hogs, having a pig for his page in all pictures."

[230] God's.

[231] There are three Croomes in the manor of Ripple, Worcestershire, and the church of Ripple is dedicated to the B. Virgin, but Nash's _History of Worcestershire_, says nothing of "Our Lady of Crome."

[232] drag.

[233] hair.

[234] assuredly; text 'hardly.'

[235] hundred.

[236] the devil a bit.

[237] shall I not? For this curious elliptical construction cf. l. 624, "And had ye no meate, Johan Johan? no had?" See also Udall's _R. D._, I. iv. 32.

[238] God's.

[239] immediately.

[240] dust her jacket, beat her. To walk = to full cloth.

[241] This question must be answered.

[242] scold.

[243] cease.

[244] characteristic.

[245] avail.

[246] cudgel.

[247] remedy.

[248] wager 6_s._ 8_d._ Cf. Udall, _R. D._, I. iii. 27.

[249] the relation of a child's sponsors at baptism to his parents.

[250] go a "love"-making.

[251] fish salted so hard that it had to be softened by beating before cooking.

[252] literally, cat-calling.

[253] Tyb's 'aside' perhaps only means "if he is not scolding nothing can please him," i.e. he likes scolding better than anything else. But Tyb is at present half-afraid, and it is at least possible that she means "if I haven't set him scolding this time, no occasion for being angry will content him."

[254] This saint is not mentioned by the Bollandists; the name may be a contraction for one of the four St. Theodorics.

[255] guess.

[256] God's little wounds; cf. l. 648.

[257] consult, question thee.

[258] excessively.

[259] the one.

[260] The stands on which the 'board' of the table was fixed when needed.

[261] This line is attributed in Rastell's edition to Johan, the next attribution being at l. 252, also to Johan. Lines 258, 259 are given to Tyb, ll. 260-262 to Johan, l. 263 _a_ to Johan, ll. 263 _b_-266 to Tyb.

[262] 'I pray you,' etc., said to one of the spectators, whom she next pretends to mistrust, turning at l. 254 to another one.

[263] dirtied.

[264] Fix the board on the trestles, and that at once.

[265] 263, etc. In the French _Farse of Pernet qui va au vin_ there are similar false starts and returnings, but in that case Pernet keeps coming back to watch his wife and her lover.

[266] bald, shaven, not "bold."

[267] shorn.

[268] thought.

[269] quarrel.

[270] crying out, scolding.

[271] Misprinted _stynk_.

[272] Misprinted _though_.

[273] Misprinted _me_.

[274] Apparently a misprint for _she_; it was clearly to be provided by Tyb; cf. l. 618.

[275] Cf. _Play of Wether_, l. 235. Udall's _R. D._, I. iv. 33, etc.

[276] No provision seems to have been made for Margery and Anne sharing in the pie.

[277] Cf. "nyfuls," _Play of the Wether_, l. 617.

[278] Cf. l. 211.

[279] salvation.

[280] Cf. Pernet's:

Vous irayje signer la table? Je scay bien le benedicite.

[281] S. Modwena, an Irish virgin, who died A.D. 518. She is said to have been the patroness of Burton-upon-Trent, and Henry VIII.'s commissioners sent thence to London "the image of seint Moodwyn with her red kowe and hir staff, which wymen labouryng of child in those parties were very desirous to have with them to lean upon."

[282] may I thrive.

[283] for my backer. Cf. _R. D._ IV. vii. 75, IV. viii. 45.

[284] worse.

_Nicholas Udall_

ROISTER DOISTER

_Edited with Critical Essay and Notes by Ewald Flügel, Ph.D., Professor in Stanford University_