Chapter 3

Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete.

* * * * *

An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed entirely to the devices of a Parisian _cuisine_.

This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisian _restaurateur_ in the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so both prosper.

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ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Georgia_. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the Washington _Chronicle_. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject.

_Anxious Inquirer_. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery.

_Traveller_. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is given to them.

_Dramatical_. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is from _Julius Caesar_, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS: --"Farewell BRUTUS! If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed." _Act V. Scene 1._

_Hoyle_. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce.

_Henry Jones_. No. You are wrong. _Sic semper tyrannis, does not_ mean _"Tyrants are always sick."_

_Villikens_. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S Dictionary.

_Cornet_. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of "Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you will find the air any thing but fresh.

_Gin-and-Milk_. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy.

_Chutney_. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN.

_Sculp_. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human figure?

_Answer_. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great American Sculptor. It is _in_ our Power. Look at his figure of the Greek Slave.

_Richard III_. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the stage. How can I be fitted for it?

_Answer_. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for Measure."

_Debrett_. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath?

_Answer_. Towels and Soap.

* * * * *

NAPOLEON'S LATEST MANIFESTO TO THE FRENCH PEOPLE.

True citizens of France I've the very great felicity-- It almost overpowers me as you well can understand; To give to the proud triumph of my policy publicity, Majority six millions. Ah! _Mon Dieu!_ but it is grand.

'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority, Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance; But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majority Have proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France.

Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the Tuileries The issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense; And although the rowdy _Faubourgs_ tried a few of their Tom-fooleries, My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence.

I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks-- Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile, I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks, More in pity that in anger hear the roar of the _Canaille_.

The _Drapeau Rouge is down_--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLIN Are as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn; And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in, I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn.

Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical, Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!" They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numerical Their Creed declares all policy should either live or die.

To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender thee All swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago, All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee, Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'"

She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate, From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine; And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate, They _know_ this is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE.

* * * * *

The Dominion Again.

What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is "factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say.

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SCIENCE FOREVER!

MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on the following subjects:

1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of Washington to Chicago.

2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence.

3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago.

4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures of the Chicago Police.

5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent experiments.)

6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain.

7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power.

MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that they labor under the most hideous of delusions.

* * * * *

A Midsummer Reading of Shakspeare.

It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote-- "When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil."

* * * * *

A Dead Beat to the Windward.

MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame.

* * * * *

THE FISHERY QUESTION.

Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of "Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic.

Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an "occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with "SCHUFELDT don't bother us!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

OF MYTHOLOGY.

Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon.

We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power undisturbed.

JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him "an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was, _ex-officio_, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S reformation.

* * * * *

Imperial Conundrum with an Irreconcilable Answer.

Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of newspaper enterprises?

Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted.

* * * * *

A Hanging that Ought to be "Played Out."

That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design.

* * * * *

Apropos of Theodora Thomas' Concerts.

Come into the garden Maudlin.

* * * * *

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