Chapter 2

To behold the monkey race in their glory, however, they must be seen in their native woods, where they dwell in genteel independence, enjoying their entailed estates and living on their own cocoa nuts. There will be found the Gibbon, whose Decline and Fall when yielding the Palm to some aspiring rival is swifter than that of the Roman Empire; the Barberry Ape, so called from feeding exclusively on Barberries; the Chimpanzee--an African corruption of Jump-and-see, the name given to the animal by his first European discoverers in compliment to his alertness; the Baboon, a melancholy brute that, as you may observe from his visage, always has the blues; to say nothing of a legion of Red Monkeys, which are particularly Rum Customers.

Some men of science have advanced the theory that man is the climactic consequence of innumerable improvements of the monkey; the negro as he now exists being the result of the Fifteenth Amendment. These philosophers erect a sort of pyramid of progress, placing an Ape at the base and a Caucasian at the Apex. This wild hypothesis of a monkey apotheosis can of coarse only be regarded Jockolarly, in other words, with a grin. Nevertheless the Marmozet is sufficiently like a little Frenchwoman to be called a Ma'amoiselle, and there are (in New-Zealand for instance) human heathen with a craving for the Divine, to whom the Gorilla, though not a man, is certainly a brother. Possibly the Orang Outang, if able to express his thoughts in an harangue, might say with Mr. DICKENS, "I am very human." He certainly looks it.

There is a strong facial resemblance among the simious races--_Simia Similibus_. This likeness does not, however, extend in all cases to the opposite extremity. Some monkeys have no tails. Of the tailless Apes it is said that they originally erased their rear appendages by too much sitting--perhaps as members of the "Rump" in some Anthropoid Congress. Be that as it may, the varieties that have retained their tails seem disposed to hang on to them, and will doubtless continue to do so by hook or by crook.

The natives of Africa believe that the monkeys would converse with them if they were not afraid of being set to work; but it is quite apparent that they are not averse either to labor or conversation, inasmuch as among themselves they frequently Mow and Chatter.

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THE GREAT AFRICAN TEA COMPANY.

MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I can induce you to take a few shares in the above-named Co. (at a merely nominal price, I assure you,) I think I shall do you a very great favor, and at the same time secure to the Co. the benefit of your enormous influence.

The Grand Points, in this unequalled Scheme, may be explained as follows:

The Tea is from the new African Tea Fields, (that is the holds of ships in which it has spoiled, or become musty, or lost its bouquet, and the old chests of the usual dealers,) and is delivered in our ware-rooms for a mere song, so to speak: say the Song of Sixpence (a pound.)

At a small additional outlay, we dye and scour this Tea, or otherwise Renovate it to such an extent that Nature herself would be deceived, at least till she began to sip the decoction from it, when, perhaps, she would conclude not to try any further issues with this Co.

These African Tea Fields (cultivated by Ourselves) are "situated near the Cape of Good Hope." From the recent appreciation of African Interests (and, of course, technology,) you will perceive that in our Name and Scheme is Good Hope indeed, for the Stockholders, if not the tea-drinkers.

Our system of business embraces, in part, the following ingenious and strictly novel features: By means of circulars and extensive advertising we convince the public (an easy task) that, in consequence of Raising the Tea Ourselves, from "Our Own Tea Fields," (and thus saving a great many profits to different absorbents of the people's money,) we can afford it at ruinously low prices, yet the Tea is always A. 1. (which, in familiar language, might be construed as A Wonder especially to the Chinese.) We make a great variety out of the same stock! One may always know the Great A. Co.'s Tea from the circumstance of it's never having either odor or flavor. We find, after ample experience, that the presence of either of these qualities directly injures the sale. Give it plenty of Astringency (an easy knack) and it will be sure to go down in this country. It is our experience (and that of many other Operators of our kind--or _upon_ our kind, if you prefer the phrase,) that people _like to be imposed upon,_ and can always be taken with the Economical hook. If an article (of Tea, for instance) is only "cheap" enough, it may be ever so nasty and unwholesome, and yet it will Sell! Sell? Bless you! you can't produce it fast enough--even from your Own Tea Fields!

We make an article of Coffee (which we have almost decided to call Cuffee) that has as much Color in one pound as the real (an inferior) article has in six! Boarding-house keepers praise it! It goes far, and is actually preferred to Mocha! We sell it for less than the latter could be bought for at wholesale, in Arabia, and yet you will readily believe we make money by it.

A few shares will be sold to you for a mere fraction of their nominal value. Call and see us, at the sign of the GREAT AFRICAN (TEA CO.)

T. T. T. (for the Co.)

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OUR CUBAN TELEGRAMS.

We are happy to inform our readers that we have made a special arrangement with the telegraph companies, by which we shall receive the only reliable news from Cuba. The following telegrams from Havana, which were received at this office at a late hour last night, will show how full and accurate our Cuban news will henceforth be:

FIRST DISPATCH.

HAVANA, May 26th, 9 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--A great battle was fought yesterday between the National army and the Spanish Cut-throats. General CESPEDES, with five hundred men, attacked VALMESEDA, who had eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The Invaders lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will crush the Spanish brigands, and make certain the independence of the island. Our loss was trifling--only a drummer-boy or two.

SECOND DISPATCH.

9:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--A great battle was fought yesterday between the loyal army and the rebel hordes. General VALMESADA, with five hundred men, attacked CESPEDES, who had eleven thousand men in a strong position, and completely routed him. The brigands lost ten thousand in killed and wounded, and nine hundred prisoners. Twenty pieces of artillery were captured. This blow will crush the rebels, and make certain the establishment of order in the island. Our loss was trifling--only a sutler or two.

THIRD DISPATCH.

10 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--Our victory was more complete than at first believed. Only two Spaniards escaped. Our only loss was one drummer-boy slightly wounded.

FOURTH DISPATCH.

10:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--Our victory was more complete than was at first believed. Only two rebels escaped. Our only loss was one sutler somewhat demoralized.

FIFTH DISPATCH.

11 P.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--CESPEDES had only two hundred men, and VALMESADA eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory was complete.

SIXTH DISPATCH.

11:30 P.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--VALMESEDA had only two hundred men, and CESPEDES eight thousand. The latter is reported killed. The victory was complete.

SEVENTH DISPATCH.

12 M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at first reported. The Patriots had fifty men, and were greatly outnumbered. Several dead Spaniards were left on the field. No artillery was captured, but a great quantity of supplies was taken.

EIGHTH DISPATCH.

12:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The battle was not so bloody as was at first reported. The loyal force consisted of only fifty men, and many dead rebels were left on the field. No artillery was captured, but a great quantity of bananas was taken.

NINTH DISPATCH.

1 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--It is now known that the battle was only a skirmish. The Spaniards attacked our men in order to seize upon their extra linen. They were repulsed however.

TENTH DISPATCH.

1:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--It is now known that the battle was only skirmish. The rebels attacked a hen-roost in search of eggs, but were repulsed.

ELEVENTH DISPATCH.

3 A.M.--(_From a Cuban Patriot_.)--The rumor of a battle seems to have originated in a fight between a Patriot and a mob of blood-thirsty Spaniards in an alley in this city. The latter managed to escape.

TWELFTH DISPATCH.

2:30 A.M.--(_From the Spanish Authorities_.)--The rumor of a battle evidently grew out of a fight in an alley of this city, between a Volunteer and a mob of rebel sympathizers. The latter were all arrested.

THIRTEENTH DISPATCH.

3 A.M.--(_From the American, Consul_.)--Yesterday a Cuban boy threw a stone at a dog belonging to one of the volunteers. The dog ran away. All is quiet in the city, and elsewhere on the island.

At this point we were compelled to go to press. The above dispatches, however, furnish the latest and only reliable intelligence from Cuba.

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A Good Turn Meant.

THERE is some talk of reviving the Tournament in this region, and the young men are expected to show their skill in "riding at the ring." If our young men were to put any number of good sharp lances through a few of our City Rings, they would be noble and chivalrous fellows, surely.

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The Dumb Beasts' Friend.

Mr. BERGH, the philodoggist, is an honest oracle in his way, and when he opes his mouth we hope no cur will be ungrateful enough to bark. He says in his last lecture that dumb animals are creatures like unto himself. That accounts for Mr. BERGH being Deer to the quadrupeds, and such a Terrier to their enemies.

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Land and Water.

An Ocean Cable Company has just asked Congress for a grant of lands. The request is natural, as the Company, of course, wants to see its cable well Landed.

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The Kellogg Testimonial.

Gifts should be seasonable. We therefore signify our highest approval of the judgment of those "keyind" friends who lately gave to Miss CLARA LOUISE KELLOGG, our own beloved nightingale, an elegant "Fruit Receiver." Birds, as a rule, are prohibited by law from partaking of fruit, but that is only while it is the on branches; and, perhaps, if EVE had only possessed an elegant "Fruit Receiver," she might have put the apple into it, instead of eating that most unfortunate pippin, so greatly to human distress and detriment. And, now that Miss CLARA has such a beautiful article to hold them, we suggest that, at her next benefit, instead of the fading and comparatively worthless bouquets, she be presented with a bushel of the very best pippins--and we intend to do it.

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Latest About Garibaldi.

It is stated, now, that GARIBALDI, foiled in his attempts to join the Italian insurgents, is about to throw himself, sword in hand, among the Red River malcontents. This rumor has its origin, probably, in the fact that GARIBALDI usually wears a red shirt.

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Stridor Dentium.

The Massachusetts Dentists (excellent men, not to be spoken of without a shudder) have been holding an annual meeting in Boston. They talked, discussed, suggested and explained; and then, to show that they were physicians who could heal themselves, they partook together of a most beautiful dinner. We are not told so, but we suppose that the viands on this occasion were of the very toughest description--geese of venerable age, fried heel tops, and beef like unto the beef of a boarding-house. Whether, considering their facilities for mastication, a landlord should not charge the members of a Dental Association double, is a question for casuists.

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English News.

It is noted, as a very remarkable fact, that "the Member of Parliament for Sheffield first entered that town as an Italian image boy." He was the image of his mother.

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In the Air.

_Voice at Rome_. "I am the infallible PIO Nono."

_Echo, everywhere_. "'No! no!'"

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Ancient Inscription on the Throne of Spain.

M. T.

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THE ROBINS.

[_Compare a much more "poetic" effusion, under this head, in all the American newspapers_.]

There's a screech upon the housetop, a creak upon the plain, It's a libel on the sunshine, its a slander on the rain; And through my brain, in consequence, there darts a horrid thought Of exasperating wheelbarrows, and signs, with torture fraught! So, all these breezy mornings through my teeth is poured the strain: _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_

They bring a thought of strawberries, which I shall never taste; Plums, cherries, ditto, ditto, which these maurauders waste-- Who never _will_ catch worms and flies, as smaller "warblers" do, But want precisely those nice things which grow for me and you! I muse on all their robberies, and mutter this fierce strain: _Confound these odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_

Oh, bah! What bosh these "poets" write, about this humbug pet! Firstly, they're _not_ true "Robins," but a base, inferior set; Second, there is no music in their creaking, croaking shriek; Third, they are slow and stupid--common birds from tail to beak! Tis said, "they come so early." Well, I'd rather they'd come late. They're simply made for pot-pies, and deserve no better fate.

Who ever thought to welcome the ingenious, sprightly Wren? With his pretty, joyous carol, which should thrill the heart of men? Now _that_ is _music_, mind you! And how small the throat that sings! Besides, he lets your fruit alone, and lives on other things! Inspired by this trim fairy, many souls will swell the strain: _Confound the odious "Robins," that have now come back again!_

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CAUTION!

There is shortly to arrive in Paris a dwarf aged about fifty-five years, having a beard reaching to his feet, but with only one arm and a completely bald head. He possesses 2,000,000 francs, which he is willing to share with any young girl about twenty years old, who is pretty and good tempered.

The person above alluded is, unquestionably, our eldest son, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, Jr. He is--we say it with many tears--as great a rascal as any in the world, although no child was ever flogged more regularly and affectionately. His conduct broke his mother's head; and he was put under bonds to keep the peace at the age of two years. After a long period of flagrant insubordination, he ran away with a part of our money, and of his plunder he may possibly have 2,000,000 francs left--but we don't believe it. This is to warn all tradesmen in Paris from trusting him on our account, as we shall pay no debts of his contracting.

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CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE.

DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from voting against him. That would make his reelection a pretty sure thing.

Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. As for DRAKE, he was a _canard_, and his statement was another. He did not approve of the bloody Drakonian code.

Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered that FERRY was a Copperhead.

Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. Hear.)

Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the removal of the disabilities.

HOUSE.

Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy on their souls.

KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance.

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SPENCERIAN CHAFF.

BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE.

If, in the "opening" of my learned friend (Whose record I intend Most handsomely and warmly to defend,) You fancy that you now and then perceive A word or phrase one hardly can conceive Was uttered "by your leave;" If--going further in my supposition-- You fancy his condition In some respects was not above suspicion; If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes-- As there may be in crimes,) You think it strange, what men will do for dimes; Why, it is plainly due To you, And noble SPENCER, too, That I should straightway boil with legal rage At such injustice, and at once engage To right the matter, on this virtuous page.

I fear, my captious friend, (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend The Majesty of Law! Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection! It is not merely Jaw! Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,) If for this thing you have no greater awe, You need correction! Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir, The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur? True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge As though he were a plain American. But, fudge! _He_ never minds; he's not a gentleman! True, it is now and then our legal lot To teach a stupid witness what is what, Or show that he (or she) Is rather worse than he (or she) should be; We find it necessary, Very, To blacken what we have no doubt is white, And whiten what is very black indeed. Agreed!

But ask the Client what _he_ thinks is right! He may not care to see us fairly _fight,_ (It _is not_ a pleasant sight,) Or hear us curse till all is black as night, For the whole Jury might perchance take fright; But _he_ knows whether he is ably served! Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright) Is always either angular or curved. Now, pray, no bosh About the _habit of defending crime_ Dulling the sensibilities in time! The theory won't wash! Once place my colleague on the other side, You'd say, This lawyer should be deified! Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal! Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal! You would perceive (At least, you would be ready to believe,) That, noting all the most abhorred deeds Known to our records, this affair must needs Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain. And then, again----

But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see You're one of those odd folks who don't agree With _any_ body. _You_ are not to pass On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass. I'd like to have you on the stand a minute! You'd think the deuce was in it! _I'd_ shake the humdrums out of you, I guess! You'd presently confess You thought that No was Yes. It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry-- We like to worry. In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know Your father from JIM CROW, Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY! And now then, dunce, Please move your boots, at once! If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout, I'd _kick_ you out!

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OUR PORTFOLIO.

Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which "gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, and that of itself should be a strong recommendation.