Part 2

=Painter= (_who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an R. A._"). "THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE ELECTED ME, HAVING EXHIBITED AND HAD MY NAME DOWN ALL THESE YEARS! I MIGHT HAVE----"

=Friend= (_Man o' the World_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU, YOU DON'T GO THE RIGHT WAY TO WORK. YOU SEE THEY COULD ONLY ELECT YOU FOR YOUR PAINTING, FOR----WHY DO YOU WEAR SUCH THICK BOOTS?!!"

Illustration: _Temptation._

=Painter.= "YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT, WHEN I TELL YOU I DID NOT PAINT IT? AND A BEASTLY COPY IT IS, TOO!"

=Picture-Dealer.= "VY NOT, GOOT SIR? VY NOT? TUT! TUT! TUT! I ONLY VISH YOU ARTIS'S VOS MEN OF BIS'NESS!"

Illustration: "_Spoiling It._"

=Lord Dabbley.= "WA-AL, STREAKY, WHY I'VE HEARD--AH--YOU'RE NOT GOING TO--(_yawns_)--HAVE A PICT-YAR AT THE EXHIBITION!"

=Streaky, R. A.= "HAW, VERY PROBABLY NOT, M'LORD. WELL, I THINK IT ONLY--AH--GRACEFUL, M'LORD, WE SHOULD OCCASIONALLY FOREGO OUR PRIVILEGED SPACE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR YOUNGER PAINTERS--AH! BESIDES--I QUESTION IF I SHALL BE ABLE TO FINISH MY PUBLIC PORTRAITS IN TIME THIS YE-AR!"

Illustration: "_Particular!_"

=Young Mumford= (_airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part of the country_). "DESSAY YOU KNOW THE CADGEBYS OF BILCHESTER?--AWFULLY JOLLY PEOPLE! I----"

=Haughty Beauty.= "OH NO, WE ONLY VISIT THE COUNTY FAMILIES AND WE _WEED_ THEM!!"

_Her partner wishes this "First Set" was "The Lancers."_

Illustration: _Vivifying Treatment of a Partner._

(_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._)

=Young Lady= (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_). "NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY, AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT, AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS, AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. NOW YOU MAY BEGIN CONVERSATION."

_Utter Collapse of Partner._

Illustration: _Arbiter Elegantiarum._

=Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, 'M, COULD I GO OUT THIS EVENING? 'CAUSE COOK NEX' DOOR'S GOT A 'LANG'AGE O' FLOWERS BEE,' AND SHE_'s_ REQUESTED ME TO BE ONE O' THE JUDGES!"

Illustration: "_The Servants._"

=Cook.= "THEN, SHALL YOU GO AS 'OUSEMAID?"

=Young Person.= "NO, INDEED! IF I GO AT ALL, I GO AS LADY 'ELP!"

Illustration: "_Hard Lines._"

=Mistress= (_to former Cook_). "WELL, ELIZA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?"

=Ex-Cook.= "WELL, MUM, AS YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO CHARACTER, I'VE BEEN OBLIGED TO MARRY A SOLDIER!"

Illustration: "_Not to Put too Fine a Point on It._"

_Transatlantic Party._ "LOOK 'ERE, WAITER! CHANGE THIS KNIFE FOR A PEA-EATER. STRANGER AND ME AIR ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS, AND I MIGHT HURT HIM."

Illustration: "_Never Say 'Die'_"

=Nephew.= "SURE IT ISN'T GOUT, UNCLE?"

=Uncle.= "GOUT! SHTUFF AN' NONSHENSH! NOT A BIT OF IT! NO, FACT IS--PHEW--(_winces_) THESE CON-FOUNDED BOOTMAKERS--THEY MAKE YOUR BOOTS SO _TIGHT_!!"

Illustration: _"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c._

=Urbane Foreigner.= "THE--AH--CONTEMPLATION OF THESE--AH--RELICS OF ANCIENT ART IN THE GALLERIES OF EUROPE, MUST BE MOST INT'R'STING TO THE--AH--EDUCATED AMERICAN!"

=American Tourist.= "WA'AL, DON'T SEEM TO CARE MUCH FOR THESE _STONE GALS_ SOMEHOW, STRANGER!"

Illustration: A Plutocrat.

=Swell.= "'D YOU OBLIGE ME--AH--BY SHUTTING YOUR WINDOW?--AH----"

=Second Passenger= (_politely_). "REALLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL NOT PRESS IT, AS YOURS IS SHUT, THE AIR IS SO WARM I WOULD RATHER KEEP THIS OPEN. YOU SEEM TO TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, SIR----"

=Swell.= "CARE OF MYSELF! SHOULD WATHER THINK SO. SO WOULD YOU, MY DEAR FEL-LAH, IF YOU'D SIX THOUSAND A YE-AR!!"

Illustration: "Matter!"

=Portly Old Swell= (_on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech_). "DEAR ME! IS IT POSS'BLE! MOST 'XTR'ORD'NARY!--(_throws down the Review_)--THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY A 'PRIMORDIAL ATOMIC GLOBULE'!!"

Illustration: A Final Appeal.

"NOW, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I THROW MYSELF UPON YOUR IMPARTIAL JUDGEMENT AS HUSBANDS AND FATHERS, AND I CONFIDENTLY ASK, DOES THE PRISONER LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WOULD KNOCK DOWN AND TRAMPLE UPON THE WIFE OF HIS BOSOM? GENTLEMEN, I HAVE DONE!"

Illustration: _Division of Labor._

=Facetious Volunteer Sub.= "LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN; I'M TIRED OF THIS FUN. DO YOU MIND LOOKING AFTER THE MEN WHILE I GO AND GET TAKEN PRISONER?"

Illustration: "_Off._"

=Sergeant O'Leary.= "DOUBLE! LEFT! RIGHT! WHAT THE BLAZES, PAT ROONEY, D'YE MANE BY NOT DOUBLIN' WID THE SQUAD!?"

=Pat.= "SHURE, SERGEANT, 'TWASN'T A FAIR START!"

Illustration: _"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c._

=Frugal Housewife= (_has a large Family_). "OH, MR. STICKINGS, I SEE BY THE DAILY PAPERS THAT THE PRICE OF MEAT HAS FALLEN TWOPENCE A POUND. I THINK YOU OUGHT TO MAKE SOME REDUCTION IN YOUR CHARGES!"

=Country Butcher.= "WERRY SORRY, MUM, BUT WE DON'T TAKE IN NO DAILY PAPERS, MUM!!"

Illustration: _Complimentary._

=Collier= (_about the Dog_). "YES, SIR, AW GOT HIM IN MANCHESTER, YONDER, AN' DOCTOR AW'S GOING T' AX YE, HEY Y' ONY OBJECTION TIN US NAMIN' HIM EFTHER YE?!"

=Young Medical Man= (_rather pleased_). "OH, DEAR NO, BY ALL MEANS--'DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE COMPLIMENT, THOUGH, HE'S NOT A BEAUTY TO LOOK AT!"

=Collier.= "MEBBEES NOT, DOCTOR; BUT--SMASH!--MUN, HE'S A BEGGAR TO KILL!!"

Illustration: "(_Not_) _Thankful for Small Mercies_"

=Cat's-Meat Man.= "WHAT 'A YER GOT FOR DINNER TO-DAY, JOE?"

=Crossing-Sweeper.= "OH, A BIT O' ROAST WEAL, SENT ME UP FROM NO. 6 IN THE CRESCENT 'ERE--AN' YER WOULDN'T B'LLEVE IT!--NOT A MOSSEL O' STUFFIN--AH, AN' NOT SO MUCH AS A SLICE O' LEMON!--AND (_with a sneer_) CALLS THEIRSELVES RESPECT'BLE PEOPLE, I'VE NO DOUBT!!"

Illustration: _Delicacy._

=Edwin= (_as the Servant is present_). "AH--J'ETTAY SEE--AH--DISAPPOINTAY DE NE PAS VOO VWORE A LA RINK CE MATTANG--POORQWAW ESKER----?"

=Angelina.= "AH WEE, MAIS MOMMONG----"

=Parlour-Maid.= "HEM! BEG YOUR PARDON, MISS; BUT I UNDERSTAND THE LANGVIDGE!!"

Illustration: "The Servants."

=Mistress.= "JANE, TELL COOK I'LL COME DOWN AND SEE WHAT SHE WANTS DONE TO THAT STOVE, AS THE BUILDER'S COMING TO-MORROW."

=Jane.= "O, PLEASE, 'UM, I DON'T THINK WE CAN AST YOU INTO THE KITCHING TO DAY, MUM, AS COOK AND ME'S GOT A SMALL AND EARLY 'AT OME' THIS AFTERNOON, MUM!"

Illustration: Retributive Justice.

=Farmer= (_giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear_). "HOW DARE YOU BEAT THOSE GOSLINS, YOU YOUNG RASCAL? I SAW YOU!"

=Boy.= "BOO, OO, OO, WHAT FURR'D THEY GORS-CHICKS FEYTHER BOITE OI THEN FURR?!"

Illustration: "By the Card."

=Pedestrian.= "HOW FAR IS IT TO SLUDGECOMBE, BOY?"

=Boy.= "WHY 'BOUT TWENTY 'UNDERD THEAUSAN' MILD 'F Y' GOO 'S Y'ARE AGOOIN' NOW, AN' 'BOUT HALF A MILD 'F YOU TURN RIGHT REAOUND AN' GOO T' OTHER WAY!!"

Illustration: _In Jeopardy._

THE NEW BOY WAS ENJOINED TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW HE CARRIED THE FIDDLE-CASE--"BY THE HANDLE, AND TO MIND NOT TO KNOCK IT AGAINST ANYTHING!" IMAGINE THE HORROR OF MR. PITSEY CARTER, HIS MASTER, WHO WAS FOLLOWING, TO COME UPON THE RASCAL, WITH THE INVALUABLE "JOSEPH" ON HIS HEAD, EXECUTING A PAS-SEUL OVER A SKIPPING-ROPE!!

Illustration: Heresy.

=Mamma.= "YOU KNOW WHO BUILT THE ARK, GEORGE?"

=George= (_promptly_). "NOAH, 'MA."

=Mamma.= "AND WHAT DID HE BUILD IT FOR?"

=George= (_dubiously_). "FOR LITTLE BOYS TO PLAY WITH, 'MA?!"

Illustration: "Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!"

=Greengrocer, Jun.= (_to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion_). "I'VE GOT YER A BIT, MASTER GEORGE. IT AIN'T A VERY BIG PIECE, BUT THERE'S LOTS O' BERRIES ON IT; _AN' IT'S THE BERRIES AS DOES IT_"!!!

Illustration: Culture for the Working Classes.

=Philanthropic Employer= (_who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition_). "WELL, JOHNSON, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF IT? 'PICK UP AN IDEA OR TWO?"

=Foreman.= "WELL, YER SEE, SIR, IT WERE A THIS WAY. WHEN US GOT THERE, WE WAS A CONSIDERIN' WHAT WAS BEST TO BE DONE, SO WE APP'INTED A DEPPERTATION O' THREE ON US TO SEE WHAT IT WERE LIKE; AN' WHEN THEY COME OUT AN' SAID IT WERE ONLY PICTURS AN' SUCH, WE THOUGHT IT A PITY TO SPEND OUR SHILLINS ON 'EM. SO WE WENT TO THE TEA-GARDENS, AND WERY PLEASANT IT WERE, TOO. THANK YER KINDLY, SIR!"

Illustration: A Casual Acquaintance.

=West-End Man= (_addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic_). "CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE MOORGATE STREET STATION?"

=Seedy Party.= "MO'RGATE STREET STATION, SIR? STRAIGHT ON, SIR, FUST TURNIN' T' THE RIGHT, AND IT'S JUST OPPOSYTE. AND NOW, YOU'VE INTERDOOCED THE SUBJECT, SIR, IF YOU COULD ASSIST ME WITH A TRIFLE, SIR, WHICH I'VE 'AD NOTHIN' TO EAT SINCE LAST FRIDAY----"

_West-End Man not having an answer ready, forks out, and exit._

Illustration: "Circumlocutory!"

=Polite Coster= (_seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket_). "YOU'LL EXCUSE ME ADDRESSIN' O' YOU, SIR,--COMMON MAN IN A MANNER O' SPEAKIN'--GEN'LEMAN LIKE YOU, SIR--BEGGIN' PARDON FOR TAKIN' THE LIBERTY, WHICH I SHOULD NEVER A' THOUGHT O' DOIN' UNDER ORDINARY SUCCUMSTANCES, SIR, ON'Y YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO BE AWARE ON IT, BUT IT STRUCK ME AS I SEE YOU A GOIN' ALONG, AS YOU WERE A-FIRE, SIR!"

_By this time Brown's right coat-tail was entirely consumed. His fuzees had ignited by private arrangement among themselves._

Illustration: _Alarming._

=Buttons= (_as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday, the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star_). "OH, PLEASE, SIR, THEM METEORS IS A GOIN' OFF AG'IN!!"

=Scientific Old Gent= (_startled out of his first sleep, and misunderstanding the intelligence_). "OH!--EH!--WHAT!--TURN IT OFF AT THE _MAIN_!!"

Illustration: _Weights and Measures._

=Valetudinarian= (_in the course of Conversation with intelligent Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church_). "NOW, WHAT SHOULD YOU THINK WAS MY WEIGHT?"

=Gentleman in Black.= "WELL, SIR--LET ME SEE--YOU STAND ABOUT FIVE FEET ELEVEN, THIRTY INCHES ACROSS CHEST, AND WE'LL SAY ELEVEN INCHES DEEP--WELL, I SHOULD SAY, SPEAKING AT RANDOM, YOU WOULD 'LIFT' AT ABOUT ELEVEN STUN' AND THREE QUARTERS!"

_Horror of Invalid--his fellow-passenger was an UNDERTAKER!_

Illustration: "_Small Mercies._"

=First Jolly Angler= (_with empty Creel_). "WELL, WE'VE HAD A VERY PLEASANT DAY! WHAT A DELIGHTFUL PURSUIT IT IS!"

=Second Ditto= (_with ditto_). "GLORIOUS! I SHAN'T FORGET THAT NIBBLE WE HAD JUST AFTER LUNCH, AS LONG AS I LIVE!"

=Both.= "AH!!"

Illustration: Tyranny.

=First Rough.= "WE'RE A GOIN' TO BE EDGICATED NOW, C'MPULSORY, OR ELSE GO TO THE TREADMILL!"

=Second Rough.= "AH! NO VUNDER SO MANY POOR PEOPLE'S A EMIGRATIN'!"

Illustration: A Perfect Cure.

=Town Man.= "HOW JOLLY IT MUST BE, LIVING DOWN HERE IN THE COUNTRY!"

=Country Gentleman.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S RATHER TORPID SORT OF LIFE; TIME PASSES VERY SLOWLY."

=Town Man.= "TIME PASSES SLOWLY? YOU SHOULD GET SOMEBODY TO DRAW ON YOU AT THREE MONTHS!!"

Illustration: In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike.

GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME.

=George.= "ARE YOU SURE YOU TOOK MY RIGHT MEASURE, CHARLOTTE?"

=Charlotte.= "OH, GEORGE, I'M SURE IT FITS BEAUTIFULLY!!"

Illustration: "As Well as Can be Expected."

=Horsey Parish Doctor= (_late for the Meet_). "WELL, MOTHER, AND HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER, AND THE BABBY--POORLY, EH? AH, WELL, GIVE HIM A PINCH O' BRIMSTONE IN HIS PAP, AND I'LL LOOK IN TO-MORROW."

Illustration: Penny Wise.

=National Schoolmaster= (_going round with Government Inspector_). "WILKINS, HOW DO YOU BRING SHILLINGS INTO PENCE?"

=Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, 'TAKES IT ROUND TO THE PUBLIC-'OUSE, SIR!!"

Illustration: Reminiscences.

=Governess.= "SHOW MR. SMITHERS YOUR NEW DOLL, ADA."

=Old Rustic.= "AH--LOR'--DEARY ME, MUM, IF IT AIN'T THE VERY MODAL OF MY OLD WOMAN WHEN SHE WAS IN HER PRIME!!"

Illustration: "Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!"

=Customer= (_worried into it_). "WELL, I DON'T MIND TAKING A SMALL BOTTLE----"

=Barber.= "BETTER 'AVE A TWO SHILLIN' ONE, SIR; IT 'OLDS FOUR TIMES AS MUCH AS THE OTHER----"

=Customer= (_turning upon him_). "O, THEN IF I TAKE THIS SHILLING BOTTLE, I SHALL BE DONE OUT OF HALF MY MONEY'S WORTH! THEN I WON'T HAVE ANY!" _Escapes in triumph!_

Illustration: Distracting.

=Customer.= "WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE BISHOP'S SERMON ON SUNDAY, MR. WIGSBY?"

=Hairdresser.= "WELL, REALLY, SIR, THERE WAS A GENT A-SETTIN' IN FRONT O' ME AS 'AD HIS 'AIR PARTED THAT CROOKED I COULDN'T 'EAR A WORD!"

Illustration: A Compliment.

=Hairdresser.= "ANY OFF THE BEARD, SIR?"

=Customer.= "NO, THANK YOU. I'VE LATELY TRIMMED IT MYSELF."

=Hairdresser.= "INDEED, SIR! I SHOULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT ANY GENTLEMAN OUT OF THE PROFESSION COULD HAVE DONE IT SO WELL!!"

Illustration: XXX Cellent Reasons.

=Free and Independent= (_to wavering_) =Elector=. "YOU DON'T ADMIRE HIS POLITICS? POLITICS BE BLOWED! LOOK AT HIS PRINCIPLES! THAT MAN ALLUS BREWS FIVE-AND-TWENTY BUSHELS TO THE HOGSHEAD!"

Illustration: Sympathy.

=Giles= (_ruefully_). "VILLIAM, I'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' 'LISTED!"

=William.= "LOR'! 'AVE YER, THOUGH? GOT THE SHILLIN'?"

=Giles.= "YES."

=William.= "WELL, THEN, LET'S GO AN' 'AVE A GLASS AT THE 'BARLEY-MOW.' DON'T LET'S BE DOWN'EARTED!"

Illustration: Liberal to a Fault.

=the missus= (_affably_). "MY 'USBAN'S OUT JUST NOW, SIR. CAN I GIVE HIM ANY MESSAGE?"

=liberal candidate.= "AH--I HAVE CALLED WITH THE HOPE THAT--AH--HE'D PROMISE ME HIS VOTE AT THE APPROACH----"

=the missus.= "OH, YES, SIR. YOU'RE CAP'M BILKE, THE 'YALLOW,' I S'POSE, SIR! YES, I'M SURE HE'LL BE MOST 'APPY, SIR!"

=the captain= (_delighted_). "YA-AS--I SHALL BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM--AND--AH--HE MAY DEPEND UPON MY----"

=the missus.= "YES, I'M SURE HE'D PROMISE YOU IF HE WAS AT HOME, SIR; 'CAUSE WHEN THE TWO 'BLUE' GENTS CALLED AND AS'ED HIM THE OTHER DAY, SIR, HE PROMISED 'EM D'REC'LY, SIR!!"

Illustration: Civil Service Miseries.

=Mamma= (_who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative_). "GOOD GRACIOUS, DEARS, WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THESE PARCELS?"

=Youngest Daughter.= "OH, PA' CAN TAKE THE LARGE ONE, MA', AND HE MIGHT CARRY SOME OF THE SMALL ONES IN HIS POCKETS!!" _Pa', who has been waiting outside, feels he's in for it._

Illustration: "Men were Deceivers Ever."

=Swell= (_at the Civil Service Co-Operative Store_). "HAW! I WANT TWO OR THWEE POUNDS--BACON--AND--AW--'BLIGE ME BY DOING IT UP LIKE BOX--GLOVES OR FLOWERS, OR SOMETHING O' THAT SORT!!"

Illustration: A Sinister Slip.

=Smith.= "HULLO, BROWN! 'BEEN FOR YOUR ANNUAL COLLIS----I MEAN YOUR ANNUAL EXCURSION, YET?"

_Brown was highly nervous, and this malign suggestion quite upset him. He spent his holiday at home!_

Illustration: Force of Habit.

=City Merchant= (_blissfully dozing in his Country Church_). "SEASON TICKET!!"

Illustration: "_Alma Mater._"

_Young Puncheonby "cuts" the Army, and goes to Oxford to read for "the Church."_

=Tutor.= "YOU ARE PREPARED IN SUBSCRIBE TO THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES----"

=Puncheonby= (_with alacrity_). "AH 'TH PLEASH 'AH,--AH--HOW MU-CH--."

Illustration: _Embarrassing._

=Nervous Spinster= (_to wary Old Bachelor_). "OH, MR. MARIGOLD, I'M SO FRIGHTENED! MAY I TAKE HOLD OF YOUR HAND WHILE WE'RE GOING THROUGH THIS TUNNEL?"

Illustration: A Straightforward View.

=High Church Curate.= "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?"

=Literal Churchwarden.= "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGY MAN IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!"

Illustration: "The Better the Day." &c.

=Rustic= (_to Curate who dabbles in Photography_). "I'D BE TURR'BLE MUCH OBLIGED, ZUR, IF YOU'D MAP OFF MY PICTUR', ZUR!"

=Curate.= "WELL, MY MAN, I'LL TAKE YOUR LIKENESS FOR YOU. WHEN WILL YOU COME?"

=Rustic.= "WELL, ZUR, IF YOU'VE NO 'BJECTIONS, I BE MOASTLY CLEANED UP AND HAS MOAST TIME O' ZUNDAY MARNINS, ZUR!!"

Illustration: A Distinction.

=The "Good Parson"= (_to Applicant for Instruction in the Night School_). "HAVE YOU BEEN CONFIRMED, MY BOY?"

=Boy= (_hesitating_). "PLEASE, SIR--I--DON'T KNOW----"

=Parson.= "YOU UNDERSTAND ME; HAS THE BISHOP LAID HIS HANDS ON YOU?"

=Boy.= "OH, NO, SIR; BUT HIS KEEPER HAVE, SIR--VERY OFTEN, SIR!!"

Illustration: Considerate.

=Churchwarden.= "TELL YE WHAT 'TIS, SIR. THE CONGREGATION DO WISH YOU WOULDN'T PUT THAT 'ERE CURATE UP IN PULPIT--NOBODY CAN'T HEAR UN."

=Old Sporting Rector.= "WELL, BLUNT, THE FACT IS, TWEEDLER'S SUCH A GOOD FELLOW FOR PARISH WORK, I'M OBLIGED TO GIVE HIM _A MOUNT_ SOMETIMES."

Illustration: Rustic Recollections.

=Boy.= "PLEASE, PA-ARSON, MOTHER WANTS SOME SOUP."

=The Rector.= "BUT I TOLD YOUR MOTHER SHE MUST SEND SOMETHING TO PUT IT IN."

=Boy.= "OH, PLEASE, SHE'VE SENT THIS YEAR PA-AIL VOR 'UN, PA-ARSON!!"

Illustration: _Not a "Silver Lining" to a Cloud._

=Adolphus= (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "WAITAR, YOU CAN--AH--LEAVE US!"

=Old Waiter.= "HEM!--YESSIR--BUT--YOU'LL PARD'N ME, SIR--WE'VE SO MANY GENTS--'DON'T WISH TO IMPUTE NOTHINK, SIR--BUT MASTER--'FACT IS, SIR--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--WE'RE--YOU SEE, SIR--_'SPONSIBLE FOR THE PLATE, SIR!!!_"

Illustration: "_What's in a Name?_"

=Waiter= (_to nervous invalid_). "THERE'S THE OLD CHURCH, SIR, CLOSE BY, BUT SOME VISITORS GOES TO ST. WOBBLEOE'S, SIR. THERE THE CLERGYMAN PREACHES _DISTEMPERY_!!"

_Clearly not the place for him, the old gentleman thinks, with a shudder._

Illustration: _A New Dish._

=Sympathising Swell= (_waiting for some chicken_). "YOU'VE GOT NO SINECURE THERE, THOMAS!"

=Perspiring Footman.= "VERY SORRY, SIR--JUST 'ELPED THE LAST OF IT AWAY, SIR!"

Illustration: Our Artist

IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES, AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE'S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN

=Art-Critic= (_loq._) "THE PICTURE LOOKS BETTER A GOODISH BIT OFF, GOV'NOUR!"

=Artist= (_maddened_). "CON--FOUND----SO DO YOU, SIR!" _Party makes off hastily, "not liking the looks of him."_

Illustration: Hunting Idiot,

RETURNING FROM THE CHASE, PROPOSES TO "CHAFF THAT ARTIST FELLER."

=Huntsman.= "WHAT'LL YER TAKE ME FOR, GOV'NOUR?"

=Painter= (_without the slightest hesitation_). A _SNOB_!

Illustration: Boxing-Day.

(_Mrs. Bustleton's favourite Cabman has called for his usual Christmas-Box in a state of----never mind._)

=Mrs. B.= "OH, SAWYER, I'M SURPRISED--I THOUGHT YOU SUCH A STEADY MAN! I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU GIVEN TO DRINK!"

=Sawyer.= "BEG Y' PAR'N MUM, NO S'H 'HING MUM (_hic_). DRINK 'ASH GI'N T' ME, MUM, 'SH MORN'N, MUM!!"

Illustration: An Old Offender.

=Country Gentleman= (_eyeing his Gardener suspiciously_). "DEAR, DEAR MR. JEFFRIES, THIS IS TOO BAD! AFTER WHAT I SAID TO YOU YESTERDAY, I DIDN'T THINK TO FIND YOU----"

=Gardener.= "YOU CAN'T SHAY--(_hic_)--I WASH DRUNK YESHT'DAY, SH----!"

=Country Gentleman= (_sternly_). "ARE YOU SOBER THIS MORNING, SIR?"

=Gardener.= "I'M--SHLIGHTLY SHOBER, SHIR!!"

Illustration: Irrevocable.

=Customer= (_for the Royal Wedding photograph_). "CAN'T I HAVE THE LADY ONLY? I DON'T SO MUCH WANT THE GENTLEMAN!!"

=Young Person= (_with decision_). "NO, SIR; WE CAN'T PART THEM, SIR, _NOW_!"

Illustration: Mrs. Jingleton. Learning that Young M Skirlygy

(FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HIGHLANDS) WAS IN TOWN, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS HIM TO ONE OF HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL 'OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING.--HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS INSTRUMENT WAS!

Illustration: Arcadian Amenities.

=Little Rustic= (_after a "game" struggle, evidently overweighted_). "OH, PLEASE, HELP US ALONG 'ITH THIS LINEN UP TO MOTHER'S----"

=Amiable Swell= (_aghast_). "EH! OH, RIDICULOUS--HOW CAN I?--LOOK HERE, I'VE GOT A BAG--HEAVY BAG--TO CARRY MYSELF----"

=Little Rustic.= "I'LL CARRY YOUR BAG, SIR."

=Swell.= "EH--BUT (_to gain time_) WH--WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S ABSURD NAME?" _This did not help him much. There was no escape; and ultimately----but we draw a veil over the humiliating sequel._

Illustration: A Big Fish.

=Artful Damsel= (_who has made a successful throw_). "O, LORD FEUBIGGIN, HOWEVER SHALL I MANAGE----."

=Lord Feubiggin= (_caught, two_). "PRAY LET ME SHOW YOU! ALL DEPENDS ON HOW YOU PLAY YOUR FISH!" _We betray confidence for once. This Picture comes from a Letter sent by a newly-married Lady (now of title), to a particular Friend of hers, and is called a "Reminiscence of Scotland." Perhaps our Readers can guess at the Story--we cannot._

Illustration: The Pic-Nic.

=Playful Widow.= "JUMP ME DOWN, MR. FIGGINS!!"

_The gallant little Man did his best, but fell--in her estimation for ever!_

Illustration: Artful--Very!

=Mary.= "DON'T KEEP A SCREOUGIN' O' ME, JOHN!"

=John.= "WH'OI BEAN'T A SCREOUGIN' ON YER!"

=Mary= (_ingenuously_). "WELL, Y' CAN I' Y' LIKE, JOHN!"

Illustration: "_The Grey Mare!_"

=Mrs. B.= (_taking the reins_). "NO, BROWN, I WILL NOT HAVE THE PONY BACKED! NO! THAT PERSON MUST HAVE SEEN US COME INTO THE LANE FIRST; AND IF THE MAN'S GOT COMMON POLITENESS----"

=Mr. B.= "BUT, MY DEAR, WE'VE ONLY JUST TURNED THE----"

=Mrs. B.= "I DON'T CARE, BROWN! NO! I WON'T GO BACK, IF I STAY HERE TILL----"

=Farmer.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR!--I'LL BACK, SIR. I'VE GOT JUST SUCH ANOTHER _VIXEN_ AT HOME, SIR!"

Illustration: _How We Arrange Our Little Dinners._

=Mistress.= "OH, COOK, WE SHALL WANT DINNER FOR FOUR THIS EVENING. WHAT DO YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OF OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER PATÉS, AND AN ENTRÉE--SAY, BEEF?"

=Cook.= "YES, 'M--FRESH, OR AUSTR----?"

=Mistress.= "LET'S SEE! IT'S ONLY THE BROWNS--TINNED WILL DO!"

Illustration: _Conclusive._

=Lodger.= "I DETECT RATHER A DISAGREEABLE SMELL IN THE HOUSE, MRS. JONES. ARE YOU SURE THE DRAINS----"

=Welsh Landlady.= "OH, IT CAN'T BE THE DRAINS, SIR, WHATEVER. THERE ARE NONE, SIR!!"

Illustration: _Our Manoeuvres._

=Captain of Skirmishers= (_rushing in to seize Picket Sentries of the Enemy_). "HULLO! HE-AR! YOU SURRENDER TO THIS COMPANY!"

=Opposition Lance-Corporal.= "BEG PARDON, SIR! IT'S THE OTHER WAY, SIR. WE'RE A BRIGADE, SIR!!!"

Illustration: "Our Reserves,"--The Battle of Amesbury.

=Aide-de-Camp.= "GOOD GRACIOUS, SIR! WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR MEN TO LIE DOWN UNDER THIS HILL? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BATTERY PLAYING RIGHT ON THEM?"

=Colonel of Volunteers.= "SO I DID, SIR. BUT THEY WON'T LIE DOWN. THEY SAY THEY WANT TO SEE THE REVIEW!!"

Illustration: A Little Failing.

=Nervous Old Lady.= "NOW, CABMAN, YOU'RE SURE YOUR HORSE IS QUIET? WHAT'S HE LAYING BACK HIS EARS LIKE THAT FOR? LOOK!"

=Cabby.= "O THAT'S ONLY HER FEMI-NINE CUR'OSITY, MUM. SHE LIKES TO HEAR WHERE SHE'S A GOIN' TO!"

Illustration: The Connoisseurs.

=Groom.= "WHEW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST--THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWED O' FISK'S, OR THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE HO'S?"

=Keeper= (_critically_). "WELL, O' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT THERE O' WUM'OOD'S DON'T FARE TO ME TO TASTE O' NAWTHUN AT ALL. NOW THIS 'ERE DEW TASTE O' THE CASK!!"

Illustration: "Io Bacche!"

=Jeames.= "MORNIN', MR. JARVICE. WHAT'S THE NEWS?"

=Mr. J.= (_the old Coachman_). "WELL, I'VE 'EARD THE BEST BIT O' NEWS THIS MORNING AS I'VE 'EARD FOR MANY A DAY, FROM OUR BUTLER. HE TELL ME THE WIN'YARDS IS 'A COMIN' ROUND,' AND THERE'S EVERY PROSPEC' OF OUR GETTIN' SOME MORE GOOD MADEIRY!!"

Illustration: A Veteran.

=Civil Service Captain.= "WILL--HE--AH--STAND POW-DAR?"

=Dealer.= "'POWDER?' WHY HE WAS ALL THROUGH THE BATTLE O' WATERLOO THAT CHARGER WAS!!"

Illustration: "What's the Odds?"

=Purchaser.= "HE'S RATHER HEAVY ABOUT THE HEAD, ISN'T HE?"

=Dealer= (_can't deny it_). "WELL, SIR! (_Happy thought._) BUT Y'SEE, SIR, HE'LL HEV TO CARRY IT HISSELF!"

Illustration: _"There's Many a Slip" &c._

WAGGLES SAW A SPLENDID THREE-POUND TROUT FEEDING IN A QUIET PLACE ON THE THAMES ONE EVENING LAST WEEK. DOWN HE COMES THE NEXT NIGHT, MAKING SURE OF HIM! BUT SOME OTHER PEOPLE HAD SEEN HIM TOO!!!

Illustration: _Lingua "East Anglia."_