Part 1

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Transcriber's note:

Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).

Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=).

The oe ligature is shown as [oe].

OUR PEOPLE

Sketched by

CHARLES KEENE.

from the Collection of "Mr. Punch."

Boston, James R. Osgood & Co. 1881.

"Our People." Sketches from 'Punch' by 'C. K.'

Illustration

OUR PEOPLE. AT HOME.

OUR PEOPLE. STREET-LIFE.

OUR PEOPLE. IN THE COUNTRY.

OUR PEOPLE. TRAVELLING.

OUR PEOPLE. PROFESSIONAL.

OUR PEOPLE. OFFICIAL.

OUR PEOPLE. IN THE ARMY.

OUR PEOPLE. ART AND ARTISTS.

OUR PEOPLE. VOLUNTEERS.

OUR PEOPLE. AT BUSINESS.

OUR PEOPLE. DOMESTICS.

OUR PEOPLE. WORKING FOLK.

OUR PEOPLE. IN IRELAND.

OUR PEOPLE. IN SCOTLAND.

&c., &c.

Illustration: Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!

COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE,"

ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME,

Society Pictures By

GEORGE DU MAURIER.

JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS.

Illustration: Mens Conscia.

=Inspector= (_who notices a backwardness in History_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._)

=Inspector= (_more urgently_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._)

=Inspector= (_angrily_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA!!?"

=Scapegrace= (_Thinking matters are beginning to look serious_). "PLEASE, SIR, 'TWASN'T ME, SIR!!"

Illustration: _Dignity._

=Club "Buttons."= "I'M AT THE 'JUNIOR PENINSULAR' NOW."

=Friend.= "WHAT! DID YOU 'GET THE SACK' FROM 'THE REYNOLDS'?"

=Buttons= (_indignant_). "GO ALONG WITH YER! 'GET THE SACK!' I SENT IN MY RESI'NATION TO THE C'MMITTEE!"

Illustration: _Family Pride._

=First Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A ORFICER." =Second Boy.= "WHAT ORFICER?" =First Boy.= "WHY, A CORPORAL!" =Third Boy= (_evidently "comic"_). "SO'S MY FATHER--HE'S A ORFICER, TOO--A GENERAL, HE IS!" =Fourth Boy.= "GO ALONG WITH YER!" =Third Boy.= "SO HE IS--HE'S A _GENERAL DEALER_!!"

Illustration: _Bad Customer._

=Landlady.= "WHAT GENTLEMAN'S LUGGAGE IS THIS, SAM?"

=Ancient Waiter.= "GE'TLEMAN'S LUGGAGE, 'M! 'OR' BLESHYER, NO, MUM! THAT'S _ARTIS'S TRAPS_, THAT IS. THEY'LL 'AVE TEA HERE TO-NIGHT, TAKE A LITTLE LODGIN' TO-MORROW, AND THERE THEY'LL BE A LOAFIN ABOUT THE PLACE FOR MONTHS, DOIN' NO GOOD TO NOBODY!"

Illustration: "_March of Refinement._"

=Brown= (_behind the Age, but hungry_). "GIVE ME THE BILL OF FARE, WAITER."

=Head Waiter.= "BEG PARDON, SIR?"

=Brown.= "THE BILL OF FARE."

=Head Waiter.= "THE WHAT, SIR? O!--AH!--YES!"--(_to Subordinate_)--"CHAWLES, BRING THIS--THIS--A--GEN'LEMAN--THE _MENOO_!!"

Illustration: _Refrigerated Tourists._

=Provincial Waiter.= "ICE! GENTLEMEN! THERE AIN'T NO ICE IN AUTUMN TIME. BUT IT'S EASY TO SEE YOU ARE GENTS FROM LONDON, AS DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT NATURE, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR IT, IN COURSE. BUT, ICE IN AUGUST!" _Exit, sniggering._

Illustration: Intelligent Pet.

"MA, DEAR, WHAT DO THEY PLAY THE ORGAN SO LOUD FOR, WHEN 'CHURCH' IS OVER? IS IT TO WAKE US UP?"

Illustration: "Durance."

=Little Daughter.= "WON'T THEY LET US OUT WITHOUT PAYING, MA'?"

Illustration: _The Mystery Solved._

=Effie= (_our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church." Aloud--with intense surprise_). "PA AND ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BOYS, IN THEIR NIGHTGOWNS, GOING TO BYE-BYE!!"

Illustration: _A Pledged M. P._

=M. P.'s Bride= "OH! WILLIAM, DEAR--IF YOU ARE--A LIBERAL--DO BRING IN A BILL--NEXT SESSION--FOR THAT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL!!"

Illustration: "_Perils of the Deep._"

=Unprotected Female= (_awaking old Gent., who is not very well_). "O, MISTER, WOULD YOU FIND THE CAPTAIN? I'M SURE WE'RE IN DANGER! I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE MAN AT THE WHEEL; HE KEEPS TURNING IT ROUND FIRST ONE WAY AND THEN THE OTHER, AND EVIDENTLY DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN MIND!!"

Illustration: "_The Pink of Fashion._"

"OUR FLOWER SHOW WAS A DECIDED SUCCESS THIS YEAR, AND LITTLE FIDKINS IN AN EMBROIDERED FLORAL WAISTCOAT WAS KILLING!"

Illustration: _The Bird Show._

=That Charming Gal= _with the blue feather_ (_to Prize Canary_). "SWEETY, DEAR!"

=Comic Man= (_"Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the pedestal_). "YES, DUCKY!"

_Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!_

Illustration: "_Trying._"

=Happy Swain= (_she has "named the day"_). "AND NOW, DEAREST EDITH, THAT IS ALL SETTLED. WITH REGARD TO JEWELLERY, MY LOVE; WOULD YOU LIKE A SET IN PLAIN GOLD, OR----"

=Edith= (_economical and courageous, and who suffers a good deal from toothache_). "OH, AUGUSTUS, NOW YOU ASK ME--DO YOU KNOW--I--REALLY--BUT--MR. CLINCH TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT HE COULD EXTRACT ALL I HAVE, AND PUT IN A BEAUTIFUL NEW SET FOR ONLY FIFTEEN GUINEAS!!"

Illustration: Common Prudence.

=Snob.= "OH, LET'S GET OUT O' THIS MOB, 'ARRY! THEY'LL THINK WE'RE A GOIN' TO _CHURCH_!"

Illustration: The Triumphs of Temper.

=Fare= (_out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile_). "HI, THIS WON'T DO! I SHALL GET OUT!"

=Cabby= (_through the trap, in a whisper_). "AH THIN, SOR, NIVER MIND HER! SIT STILL! DON'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION AV KNOWIN' SHE'S GOT RID AV YE!!"

Illustration: "For Better for Worse."

_Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of old Harlesden the stockbroker._

=Mrs. B.= (_Retiring_). "SHALL I SEND MY POPPET HIS SLIPPERS?"

=Mr. B.= "N-N-N-N-O--NOT AT PRESENT, THANKS!" (_Sotto voce to his guest when the door was closed._) "NOT SO FOND OF HAVING THE MUZZLES ON MY FEET AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING, YOU KNOW, BARNEY!!"

Illustration: A Half Truth.

=Guard= (_of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco_). "STRONG SMELL OF SMOKE, SIR!"

=Passenger= (_his cigar covered by his newspaper_). "YA-AS; THE PARTY WHO HAS JUST GOT OUT HAS BEEN SMOKING FURIOUSLY!!"

Illustration: Poor Humanity!

=Bride.= "I THINK--GEORGE, DEAR--I SHOULD--BE BETTER--IF WE WALKED ABOUT----"

=Husband= (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "YOU CAN DO AS YOU LIKE, LOVE. I'M VERY WELL(!) AS I AM!!"

Illustration: _Family Ties._

(_Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the Egyptian Hall--M. and C._)

=Aunt.= "GRACIOUS GOODNESS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CUPBOARD, YOU NAUGHTY BOYS?"

=Jacky.= "OH, AUNT, WE'RE PLAYING 'MASCULINE AND COOK'! I TIE HIM TO THE CHAIR, AND WHEN THE DOOR'S OPENED HIS HANDS ARE FREE. THEN HE DOES ME!!"

Illustration: "_Prevention Better than Cure._"

=Jeames= (_excitedly_). "HERE--HERE--HERE'S THE SHILLIN'! QUICK--QUICK--OFF WITH YOU!"

=German Impostor= (_affecting concern_). "DERE IS SOME VUN ILL?"

=Jeames.= "WELL, NOT JUST YET! BUT THERE PRECIOUS SOON WILL BE, IF YOU DON'T KNOCK OFF!"

Illustration: The Roll-Call.

=Sergeant.= "ALISTER MCALISTER!"

=Answer.= "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "DONAL' MCBEAN!"

=Answer.= "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "PETER MCKAY!"

ANSWER. "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "JOHN SMITH!"

=Answer.= "HERE, SIR!"

=Sergeant= (_with a Sniff_). "UGH! 'ENGLISH POCK-PUDDING'"!!

Illustration: _Gentility in Greens._

(_Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago!_)

=Greengrocer.= "CABBAGE, MUM!? WE DON'T KEEP NO SECOND-CLASS VEGETABLES, MUM. YOU'LL GET IT AT THE LOWER END O' THE TOWN!"

Illustration: _Plain to Demonstration._

=Customer= (_nervously_). "AH! THEY MUST BE VERY IRKSOME AT FIRST."

=Dentist= (_exultantly_). "NOT A BIT OF IT, SIR! LOOK HERE, SIR!" (_Dexterously catching his entire set._) "HERE'S MY UPPERS, AND HERE'S MY UNDERS!"

Illustration: Unprejudiced!

=Swell= (_at the R. A. Exhibition_). "Haw! 've you any Idea--w what Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"

Illustration: A Kind Son.

=Paterfamilias= (_to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's_). "GEORGE, THESE ARE UNCOMMONLY GOOD CIGARS! I CAN'T AFFORD TO SMOKE SUCH EXPENSIVE CIGARS AS THESE."

=George= (_grandly_). "FILL YOUR CASE--FILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER!!"

Illustration: Crass Ignorance.

=First Swell.= "LET'S SEE--TO-MORROW'S----WHAT'S T'DAY, BYTH'BY?"

=Second Swell.= "TUESDAY, ISN'T IT?--OR MONDAY?--WAS YEST'DAY SUNDAY? NE' MIND--(_yawns_)--MY MAN'LL BE HERE PWESENTLY--PWECIOUS SHWEWD FELLOW--'TELL US LIKE A SHOT!!"

Illustration: A Change in the Weather.

=Paterfamilias= (_with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the holidays_). "IT'S ALL UP!"

=Bachelor Friend= (_who has enjoyed these little Dinners_). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

=Paterfamilias.= "TELEGRAM! SHE SAYS THEY'VE ARRIVED SAFE AT FOLKESTONE, AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10·30!"

Illustration: "Res Angustæ Domi."

=Family Man.= "WHERE DO YOU GO THIS YEAR, JINNINGS?"

=Bachelor= (_in a sketchy manner_). "OH--BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND THE WHINE, BELGIUM--P'WAPS GET AS FAR'S VIENNAH! WHERE 'YOU OFF TO?"

=Family Man.= "OH, I SUPPOSE I SHALL TAKE THE OLD WOMAN DOWN TO WORTHING--AS USUAL!"

_And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner--which was weak and injudicious._

Illustration: _Irish Ingenuity._

=Saxon Tourist.= "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LOWERING THE SHAFTS FOR?" (_He has just found out that this manoeuvre is gone through at every ascent._)

=Car-Driver.= "SHURE, YER 'ONNER, WE'LL MAKE 'M B'LAVE HE'S GOIN' DOWN HILL!"

Illustration: _Scrupulous._

=Shepherd.= "O, JIMS, MUN! CAN YE NO GIE A WHUSTLE ON THA RAM'LIN' BRUTE O' MINE? I DAURNA MYSEL'; IT'S JUST FAST-DAY IN OOR PARISH!!"

Illustration: A Game Two can Play at.

=Guard= (_to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train is Starting_). "YE'RE TOO LATE, SIR. YE CANNA ENTER."

=Stalwart Aberdonian.= "A' MAUN!"

=Guard= (_holding him back_). "YE CANNA!"

=Aberdonian.= "TELL YE A' MAUN--A' WEEL!" (_Gripping Guard._) "IF A' MAUNNA, YE SANNA!!!"

Illustration: Decimals on Deck.

=Irish Mate.= "HOW MANNY IV YE DOWN THER-RE?!"

=Voice from the Hold.= "THREE, SOR!"

=Mate.= "THIN HALF IV YE COME UP HERE IMMADIATELY!!"

Illustration: More "Revenge for the Union."

=Saxon Tourist= (_at Irish Railway Station_). "WHAT TIME DOES THE HALF-PAST ELEVEN TRAIN START, PADDY?"

=Porter.= "AT THRUTTY MINUTES TO TWILVE--SHARRUP, SOR!"

_Tourist retires up, discomfited._

Illustration: _The Ulster._

=Schoolboy= (_to Brown, in his new great-coat_). "YAH! COME OUT OF IT! D'YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YER!!"

Illustration: "_Silence is Golden._"

=Chatty Old Gent.= "HAVE YOU LONG HOURS, HE-AR, PORTAR?"

=Railway Porter= (_whose Temper has been spoilt_). "SAME AS ANYWHERES ELSE, I S'POSE--SIXTY MINUTES!"----(_Bell rings, Railway Porter touches up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!_)

=Old Gent.= "PH--O--O--O--O--!"

Illustration: _Barometrical._

=Draper.= "LIGHT SUMMER DRESS? YES, M'M. SOLD A GREAT MANY THE LAST FEW DAYS, M'M, THE WEATHER HAVIN' RISEN FROM A FRENCH MERINO TO A GRENADINE!"

Illustration: _A Family Man._

=Cabby.= "VY, I'M A FATHER OF A FAM'LY MYSELF, MUM,--NOT SO 'ANDSOME AS YOUR LITTLE DEARS, MUM, I DON'T SAY,--AN' D'YOU THINK I'D GO FOR TO OVERCHARGE FOR 'EM? NOT I, MUM! NOT A SIXPENCE, BLESS THEIR LITTLE 'EARTS!" &c., &c.

_Claim allowed._

Illustration: _Unconscionable._

=Head of the Firm.= "WANT A HOLIDAY!? WHY, YOU'VE JUST BEEN AT HOME ILL FOR A MONTH!"

Illustration: _A Narcotic._

=Doctor.= "LOOK HERE, MRS. MCCAWDLE. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE PHYSIC. A SOUND SLEEP WILL DO HIM MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING."

=Gudewife.= "E-H, DOCTHOR, IF WE COULD ONLY GET HIM TAE THE KIRK!!"

Illustration: The Connoisseur.

=Host= (_smacking his lips_). "THERE, MY BOY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A TREAT. THAT'S '34 PORT, SIR!"

=Guest.= "AH! AND A VERY NICE, SOUND WINE, I SHOULD SAY! I BELIEVE IT'S QUITE AS GOOD AS SOME I GAVE 37S. FOR THE OTHER DAY."

Illustration: Awful Warning!

=Guest= (_at City Company Dinner._) "I'M UNCOMMONLY HUNGRY!"

=Ancient Liveryman= (_with feeling_). "TAKE CARE, MY DEAR SIR, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, TAKE CARE! D'YOU KNOW IT HAPPENED TO ME AT THE LAST LORD MAYOR'S DINNER TO BURN MY TONGUE WITH MY FIRST SPOONFUL OF CLEAR TURTLE; 'CONSEQUENCE WAS--(_sighs_)--'COULDN'T TASTE AT ALL--ANYTHING--FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING!!"

Illustration: _The Sausage Machine._

=Cook= (_in a fluster_). "O 'F Y' PLEASE, 'M, NO WONDER THE FLAVIOUR O' THEM SASSENGERS WASN'T TO-RIGHTS, 'M, WHICH I'VE JEST NOW KETCHED MASTER ALFRED A CUTTIN' HIS 'CAVENDISH' IN THE MACHINE!"

Illustration: Just in Time.

=Veteran Piscator.= "HECH! BUT YON'S A MUCKLE FESH LOUPIN' AHINT ME!"----(_It was lucky he looked round!--his Friend from London had preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!_)

Illustration: _Words and Weights._

=Angler.= "DEUCED ODD, DONALD, I CAN'T GET A FISH OVER SEVEN POUNDS, WHEN THEY SAY MAJOR GRANT ABOVE US KILLED HALF A DOZEN LAST WEEK THAT TURNED TWENTY POUNDS APIECE!"

=Donald.= "AWEEL, SIR, IT'S NO THAT MUCKLE ODDS I'TH' SAWMON,--BUT THAE FOWK UP THE WATTER IS BIGGER LEEARS THAN WE ARE DOON HERE!"

Illustration: "_Mal Apropos._"

=Rector's Wife.= "WELL, VENABLES, HOW DO YOU THINK WE SOLD THE JERSEY COW?"

=Venables.= (_Factotum and Gardener_) "WELL, M'M, MASTER BYLES HAS GOT THE BETTER O' WE A MANY TIMES, BUT--(_proudly_)--I THINK AS WE A' DONE HE TO-RIGHTS THIS TURN!!" "_So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!_"

Illustration: "_A Slip o' the Tongue._"

=Yachting Biped.= "THEN YOU'LL LOOK US UP AT PRIMROSE 'ILL?"

=New Acquaintance= (_gentlemanly man_). "OH, YES--NEAR THE 'ZOO,' ISN'T IT? WE OFTEN DROP IN AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MONKEYS!"

Illustration: _Confession in Confusion._

=Priest.= "NOW, TELL ME, DOOLAN, TRUTHFULLY, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO CHAPEL?"

=Pat.= "WILL, NOW, SHURE OI'LL TILL YER RIV'RENCE THE TRUT'. FAIX, I GO AS OFTEN I CAN AVOID!"

Illustration: _The New Running Drill._

(_A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief._)

CAPTAIN BLUARD, AS HE APPEARED IN COMMAND OF HIS COMPANY.

Illustration: _Our Military Manoeuvres._

=Irish Drill-Sergeant= (_to Squad of Militiamen_). "PR'S'NT 'RRMS!"--(_Astonishing result._)--"HIV'NS! WHAT A 'PRISINT'! JIST STIP OUT HERE NOW, AN' LOOK AT YERSILVES!!"

Illustration: The Race not yet Extinct.

=Country Excursionist= (_just landed at G. W. Terminus_). "COULD YOU INFORM ME WHAT THESE 'ERE BUSSES CHARGE FROM PADDINGTON TO THE BANK?"

=Dundreary= (_with an effort_). "AU-H, PO' M'SOUL, HAVEN'T AN IDEA-H! NEVER WODE 'N ONE IN M'LIFE! SHOULD SAY A MERE TWIFLE! P'WAPS A SHILLING, OR TWO SHILLINGS. 'DON'T THINK THE WASCALS COULD HAVE THE CONSCIENCE TO CHARGE YOU MORE THAN THWEE SHILLINGS! 'WOULDN'T PAY MORE THAN FOUR! I'D SEE 'EM AT THE D-D-DOO-OOCE!"

Illustration: _A Dilemma._

=Party= (_overcome by the heat of the Weather_). "HOY! CAB!"

=Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, IF YOU'LL JUST WALK TO THE GATE."

=Party.= "O, BOTHER! WALKING TO 'GATE!"

=Driver.= "WELL, SIR, IF YOU CAN'T GET THROUGH, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN GET OVER!"

Illustration: Adjustment.

=Bootmaker= (_who has a deal of trouble with this Customer_). "I THINK, SIR, IF YOU WERE TO CUT YOUR CORNS, I COULD MORE EASILY FIND YOU A PAIR----"

=Choleric Old Gentleman=. "CUT MY CORNS, SIR!--I ASK YOU TO FIT ME A PAIR O' BOOTS TO MY FEET, SIR!--I'M NOT GOING TO PLANE MY FEET DOWN TO FIT YOUR BOOTS!!!"

Illustration: A Mine of Speculation.

=Dealer= (_to Wavering Customer_). "WELL, OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW THAT--HE'S GOT 'IS BAD POINTS AN' 'IS GOOD POINTS; BUT WHAT I SAY IS, THERE'S NO DECEPTION ABOUT 'IS BAD POINTS--WE CAN SEE 'EM. BUT WE CAN'T NONE OF US TELL 'OW MANY GOOD POINTS HE MAY 'AVE TILL WE COMES TO KNOW 'IM!!" _The "Party" took time to consider._

Illustration: "Argumentum ad Hominem!"

=Dealer.= "I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIS 'EAD, AND I ALLOW HE AIN'T GOT A PURTY 'EAD; BUT LOR'--NOW LOOK AT GLADSTONE, THE CLEVEREST MAN IN ALL ENGLAND!--AND LOOK AT 'IS 'EAD"!!!

Illustration: Veneration.

=Lodger.= "I SHALL NOT DINE AT HOME TO-DAY, MA'AM, BUT I'VE A FRIEND COMING THIS EVENING. IF YOU COULD GIVE US SOMETHING NICE FOR SUPPER----"

=Landlady= (_Low Church_). "WOULD YOU LIKE THE REMAINDER OF THE COLD TURKEY--AH ('_feels a delicacy_')--HEM! _BEELZE-BUBBED_, SIR?"

Illustration: A Soft Answer.

=Irascible Old Gent.= "WAITER! THIS PLATE IS QUITE COLD!"

=Waiter.= "YESSIR, BUT THE CHOP IS 'OT, SIR, WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'LL WARM UP THE PLATE NICELY, SIR!"

Illustration: Seasonable Luxury.

=Old Gent= (_disgusted_). "HECK, WAITER! HERE'S A--HERE'S A--A--CATERPILLAR IN THIS CHOP!"

=Waiter= (_flippantly_). "YESSIR. ABOUT THE TIME O' YEAR FOR 'EM JUST NOW, SIR!"

Illustration: Education!

=Papa= (_improving the occasion at Luncheon_). "NOW, LOOK, HARRY, THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THIS CAKE IS EQUAL TO ABOUT THREE TIMES THE DIAMETER, AND----"

=Harry.= "OH, THEN, PA', LET ME HAVE THE C'CUMF'RENCE FOR MY SHARE!!"

Illustration: Cricket!

=Uncle.= "WELL, TOM, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN CRICKET THIS HALF?"

=Tom.= "OH, BLESS YOU, UNCLE, WE'VE BEEN 'NOWHERE,' THIS SEASON; ALL OUR BEST 'MEN,' YOU KNOW, WERE DOWN WITH THE _MEASLES_!"

Illustration: Treacherous Confederate.

=Uncle George= (_who has been amusing the Young People with some clever Conjuring_). "NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU SAW ME BURN THE HANDKERCHIEF.--WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO FIND--(_Roars of Laughter_)--I SHALL PRODUCE THE ORANGE OUR YOUNG FRIEND HERE WAS SO OBLIGING AS TO OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF, AND INSIDE WHICH, I'VE NO DOUBT, WE SHALL FIND THE SHILLING?!"

Illustration: Breaking the Ice.

=Sprightly Lady.= "MR. DORMERS, WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME WITH----"

=Bashful Curate= (_who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour_). "O, CERTAINLY. WHAT SHALL I HAVE THE PLEASURE TO OFFER?----"

=Lady.= "----A REMARK!!"

Illustration: The First Sermon.

=Aunt.= "WELL, DAISY, HOW DID YOU LIKE 'CHURCH' YESTERDAY?"

=Daisy.= "O, AUNTY, THEY WERE ALL SO QUIET AND LOOKED SO CROSS, I THOUGHT I MUST 'A' SCREAMED!!"

Illustration: "Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!"

CAPTAIN OGLEBY, WHO ANNOYS THE MISS LANKYSTERS SO MUCH ON THE PROMENADE BY HIS OBTRUSIVE ADMIRATION, IS DISCOVERED EARLY ONE MORNING, BY HIS EXULTANT VICTIMS, IN THE ACT OF HAVING AN "EASY SHAVE" IN THE SOMEWHAT LIMITED PREMISES OF THE VILLAGE FIGARO.

Illustration: Desperate Case!

=M. A.= (_endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil going into the Army_). "NOW, IF THE THREE SIDES OF THIS TRIANGLE ARE ALL EQUAL, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?"

=Pupil= (_confidently_). "WELL, SIR, I SHOULD SAY THE FOURTH WOULD BE EQUAL, TOO!!"

Illustration: Exchange!

=Togswell= (_in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for the De Browney's Dinner-Party_). "HULLO! WHAT THE DOOCE"--(_Pulling out, in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe._)--"CONFOUND IT! YES!--I MUST HAVE TAKEN THAT FELLOW'S BAG WHO SAID HE WAS GOING TO THE ATHLETIC SPORTS THIS AFTERNOON, AND HE'S GOT MINE WITH MY DRESS CLOTHES!!"

Illustration: _A Degenerate Son._

=The Governor= (_indignantly_). "GEORGE, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU! I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER! IT'S DISGRACEFUL! IS IT FOR THIS I'VE PAID HUNDREDS OF POUNDS TO GIVE YOU AN UNIVERSITY EDUCATION, THAT YOU SHOULD----"

=Son and Heir= (_with cigar_). "WHY--WHAT HAVE I DONE, GOVERNOR?"

=The Governor.= "DONE? DARED TO SMOKE, SIR, WHILE YOU ARE _DRINKING MY '34 PORT_!!"

Illustration: _Lucid!_

=Irish Sergeant= (_to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill_). "NOW, YE'LL PAY THE GREATEST OF ATTINTION TO THE MAN AT EIGHT HUNDRED YAR-RDS: BECASE, IF YE CAN'T SEE 'M, YE'LL BE DECEIVED IN HIS 'APPARANCE!!"

Illustration: _The Riding Lesson._

=Riding Master= (_to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub Cavalry_). "IF YER 'EAD WAS ONLY TURNED THE OTHER WAY, WHAT A SPLENDID CHEST YOU'D 'AVE, MR. BOWDRIB!"

Illustration: _Look before you Leap._

=Middle-Aged Uncle.= "NOT PROPOSED TO HER YET! WHY, WHAT A SHILLY-SHALLYING FELLOW YOU ARE, GEORGE! YOU'LL HAVE THAT LITTLE WIDOW SNAPPED UP FROM UNDER YOUR NOSE, AS SURE AS YOU'RE BORN! PRETTY GAL LIKE THAT--NICE LITTLE PROPERTY--EVIDENTLY LIKES YOU--WITH AN ESTATE IN THE HIGHLANDS, TOO, AND YOU A SPORTING MAN----"

=Nephew.= "AH! THAT'S WHERE IT IS, UNCLE! HER FISHING'S GOOD, I KNOW; BUT I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT HER _GROUSE_!"

Illustration: _No Mistake, this Time._

=Lodger.= "DEAR ME, MRS. CRIBBLES, YOUR CAT'S BEEN AT THIS MUTTON AGAIN!"

=Landlady.= "OH NO, MUM, IT CAN'T BE THE CAT. MY 'USBAND SAYS HE B'LIEVES IT'S THE COLLERLARDA BEETLE!"

Illustration: _State o' Trade._

=Small Girl.= "PLEASE, MRS. GREENSTOUGH, MOTHER SAYS WILL YOU GIVE HER A LETTUCE?"

=Mrs. G.= "GIVE?! TELL THEE MOTHER GIV'UM'S DEAD, AND LENDUM'S VERY BAD. NOTHINK FOR NOTHINK 'ERE, AND PRECIOUS LITTLE FOR SIX-PENCE!!"

Illustration: "Let Well Alone!"

=Swell.= "AH--WHAT'S YOUR FARE TO HAMPSTEAD BY THE--AH--NEW LAW?!"

=Cabby.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' 'BOUT NO NEW LAWS, SIR!--SAME OLD FARE, SIR--'LEAVE IT TO YOU,' SIR!"

Illustration: "_Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle._"

=Old Gent= (_having had to pay twice_). "BUT I'M POSITIVE I HANDED YOU THE MONEY! IT MAY PROBABLY HAVE DROPPED DOWN THE SLIT IN THE DOOR!"

=Conductor.= "SLIT IN THE DOOR!--WELL, 'TAIN'T LIKELY I'M GOIN' TO TURN THE BUS UPSIDE-DOWN FOR SIXPENCE!"

Illustration: "Tho' Lost to Sight----"

=Aunt Jemima= (_from the country--her first experience of a "Hansom"_). "HOY! HOY! STOP THE HORSE! WHERE'S THE COACHMAN!"

Illustration: Precise.

=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW, BILL, WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?"

=Conductor.= "GE'TLEMAN WANTS TO BE PUT DOWN AT NO. 20 A IN CLARINGDON SQUARE, FUST PORTICO ON THE RIGHT AFTER YOU PASS THE 'RED LION,' PRIVATE ENTRANCE ROUND THE CORNER!"

=Driver.= "O, CERTAINLY! ASK THE GE'TLEMAN IF WE SHALL DRIVE UP-STAIRS, AN' SET 'IM DOWN AT 'IS BED-ROOM DOOR IN THE THREE-PAIR BACK?"

Illustration: _An Extensive Order._

"O, PLEASE, MISS, WILL YOU GIVE US TWO 'A'PENNIES FOR A PENNY, AND GI' ME A DRINK O' WATER, AN' TELL US THE RIGHT TIME? AN' FATHER WANTS A PIPE; AND LEND MOTHER YESTERDAY'S _'TIZER_."!!!

Illustration: "_No such Luck._"

=Young Lady.= "IS IT HUNGRY, THEN? COME ALONG, LITTLE DARLING, IT SHALL HAVE ITS DINNER."

=Street-Sweeper= (_overhearing, and misapplying_). "HERE Y'ARE, MISS! RIGHT YOU ARE! I JEST AM!" _Ah! but it was Fido she was speaking to!_

Illustration: "_'Tis Better not to Know._"

=Impudent Boy= (_generally_). "TRY YER WEIGHT--ONLY A PENNY!" (_To Lady of commanding proportions in particular._) "TELL YER 'XACT WEIGHT TO A HOUNCE, MUM!"

Illustration: _Vested Interests._

=Sweeper.= "IF YOU DON'T GET OFF MY CROSSIN', I'LL 'EV YOUR NUMBER!"

Illustration: "_Chaff._"

=Apple-Stall Keeper= (_to the Boys_). "NOW, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU GAPING AT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

=Street Boy.= "NOTHIN'."

=Apple-Stall Keeper.= "THEN TAKE IT, AND BE OFF!"

=Street Boy.= "VERY WELL: WRAP IT UP FOR US IN A PIECE O' PAPER!"

_Bolts._

Illustration: "_Is It Possible?!_"

=Swell= (_lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre_). "YOU SHOULD ALWAYS--AH--TOUCH YOUR HAT TO A GENTLEMAN----"

=Factory Lad.= "PLEASE, SIR, I DIDN'T KNOW AS YER WAS ONE!!"

Illustration: A Panic in the Kitchen.

=Facetious Page.= "NOW, THEN, HERE'S THE CENSUS, AND MASTER'S ORDERED ME TO FILL IT UP. I'VE PUT DOWN YOUR AGES WITHIN A YEAR OR SO, AND YOU'RE TO 'RETURN' YOUR FOLLERERS, IF ANY, HOW MANY, AND STATE 'P'LICE OR MILITARY,' FEES AND TIPS FROM TRADESMEN AND WISITORS 'PER ANN.,' PRICE O' KITCHEN-STUFF, AVERAGE O' BREAKAGES, &C., &C."

Illustration: _Proof Positive._

=Mistress.= "YOUR CHARACTER IS SATISFACTORY, BUT I'M VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT ONE THING: I WISH MY SERVANTS TO HAVE PLENTY, BUT I DON'T ALLOW ANY WASTE."

=Page.= "OH, NO, 'M, WHICH I'D EAT AND DRINK TILL I BUSTED, 'M, RATHER THAN WASTE ANYTHINK, 'M!!"

Illustration: "_Qualifications._"