Chapter 47

MRS JELLYBAGS.

Oh dear!--this is a very long morning. I feel such suspense--such anxiety; and poor Sergeant-major O'Callaghan is quite in a perspiration! He is drinking and smoking down in the kitchen to pass away the time, and if the lawyer don't come soon, the dear man will be quite fuddled. He talks of buying a farm in the country. Well, we shall see; but if the Sergeant thinks that he will make ducks and drakes of my money, he is mistaken. I have not been three times a widow for nothing--I will have it all settled upon myself; that must and shall be, or else--no Sergeant O'Callaghan for me!

_Enter_ CLEMENTINA.

So, here you are, Miss. We'll wait till the will is read, and then we shall see who is mistress here.

CLEM. I am as anxious as you, Mrs Jellybags. You may have wheedled my poor uncle to make up the will in your favour; if so, depend upon it, I shall expect nothing from your hands.

JEL. I should rather think not, Miss. If I recollect right, you threw the carminative mixture in my face.

CLEM. And made you blush for the first time in your life.

JEL. I shall not blush to slam the door in your face.

CLEM. Rather than be indebted to you, I would beg my bread from door to door.

JEL. I expect that you very soon will.

_Enter_ EDWARD.

EDW. My dearest Clementina, I have come to support you on this trying occasion.

JEL. And ascertain how matters stand, before you decide upon marrying, I presume, Mr Edward.

EDW. Madam, I am above all pecuniary considerations.

JEL. So everybody says, when they think themselves sure of money.

EDW. You judge of others by yourself.

JEL. Perhaps I do--I certainly do expect to be rewarded for my long and faithful services.

CLEM. Do not waste words upon her, my dear.--You have my solemn promise; nothing shall change my feeling towards you.

JEL. That may be; but did it never occur to you, Miss, that the gentleman's feelings might alter?

EDW. Detestable wretch!

[_Hands_ CLEMENTINA _to a chair on the right, and sits by her. Enter Nephews_ JOHN, THOMAS, WILLIAM, _and_ JAMES, _all with white pocket-handkerchiefs in their hands--they take their seats two right and two left_.]

JEL. (_aside_.) Here they all come, like crows that smell carrion. How odious is the selfishness of this world! But here is Mr Gumarabic. How do you do, Sir? (_Curtsies with a grave air_.)

GUM. Very well, I thank you, Mrs Jellybags. Can't say the--same of all my patients. Just happened to pass by--thought I would step in and hear the will read--odd, that I should pop in at the time--very odd. Pray, may I ask, my dear Mrs Jellybags, were you present at the making of the will?

JEL. No, my dear sir; my nerves would not permit me.

GUM. Nerves!--odd, very odd! Then you don't know how things are settled?

JEL. No more than the man in the moon, my dear sir.

GUM. Man in the moon!--odd comparison that from a woman!--very odd! Hope my chance won't prove all moonshine.

JEL. I should think not, my dear sir; but here comes Mr Seedy, and we shall know all about it.

[_Enter_ Mr SEEDY--Mrs JELLYBAGS, _all courtesy, waves her hand to a chair in the centre, with a table before it_. Mr SEEDY _sits down, pulls the will out of his pocket, lays it on the table, takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, then his handkerchief, blows his nose, snuffs the candles, takes his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket, puts them on, breaks the seals, and bows to the company_: Mrs JELLYBAGS _has taken her seat on the left next to him, and_ Dr GUMARABIC _by her side_. Mrs JELLYBAGS _sobs very loud, with her handkerchief to her face_.]

SEEDY. Silence, if you please.

[Mrs JELLYBAGS _stops sobbing immediately_.]

EDW. (_putting his arm round_ CLEMENTINA'S _waist_.) My dearest Clementina!

[Mr SEEDY _hems twice, and then reads_,--]

"The last Will and Testament of Christopher Cadaverous, Gentleman, of Copse horton, in the County of Cumberland.

"I, Christopher Cadaverous, being at this time in sound mind, do hereby make my last will and testament.

"First, I pray that I may be forgiven all my manifold sins and wickedness, and I do beg forgiveness of all those whom I may have injured unintentionally or otherwise; and at the same time do pardon all those who may have done me wrong, even to John Jones, the turnpike man, who unjustly made me pay the threepenny toll twice over on Easter last, when I went up to receive my dividends.

"My property, personal and real, I devise to my two friends, Solomon Lazarus, residing at Number 3, Lower Thames-street, and Hezekiah Flint, residing at Number 16, Lothbury, to have and to hold for the following uses and purposes:--

"First, to my dearly beloved niece, Clementina Montagu, I leave the sum of one hundred and fifty pounds, three and a half per cent consols, for her sole use and benefit, to be made over to her, both principal and interest, on the day of her marriage." [EDWARD _withdraws his arm from_ CLEMENTINA'S _waist--turns half round from her, and falls back in his chair with a pish_!]

"To my nephew, Thomas Montagu, I leave the sum of nineteen pounds nineteen shilling and sixpence--having deducted the other sixpence to avoid the legacy duty."

[THOMAS _turns from the lawyer with his face to the front of the stage; crossing his legs_.]

"To my nephew, John Montagu, I leave also the sum of nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence."

[JOHN _turns away in the same manner_.]

"To my nephew, once removed, James Stirling, I leave the sum of five pounds to purchase a suit of mourning."

[JAMES _turns away as the others_.]

"To my nephew, once removed, William Stirling, I leave the sum of five pounds to purchase a suit of mourning."

[WILLIAM _turns away as the others_.]

"To my kind and affectionate housekeeper, Mrs Martha Jellybags--"

[Mrs JELLYBAGS _sobs loudly, and cries_ "Oh dear! Oh dear!"]

Mr SEEDY. Silence, if you please. (_Reads_.)

"In return for all her attention to me during my illness, and her ten years' service, I leave the whole of my--"

[Mr SEEDY _having come to the bottom of the page lays down the will, takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, blows his nose, snuffs the candles, and proceeds_.]

"I leave the whole of my wardrobe, for her entire use and disposal; and also my silver watch with my key and seal hanging to it.

"And having thus provided for--"

[Mrs JELLYBAGS, _who has been listening attentively, interrupts_ Mr SEEDY _in great agitation_.]

JEL. Will you be pleased to read that part over again?

SEEDY. Certainly, ma'am. "I leave the whole of my wardrobe, and also my silver watch, with the key and seal hanging to it."

[Mrs JELLYBAGS _screams, and falls back in a swoon on her chair--no one assists her_.]

"And having thus provided for all my relations, I do hereby devise the rest of my property to the said Solomon Lazarus and Hezekiah Flint, to have and to hold for the building and endowment of an hospital for diseases of the heart, lights, liver, and spleen, as set off by the provisions in the schedule annexed to my will as part and codicil to it."

SEEDY. Would the relations like me to read the provisions?

OMNES. No! no! no!

[Mr SEEDY _is about to fold up the papers_.]

GUM. I beg your pardon, sir, but is there no other codicil?

SEEDY. I beg your pardon, Mr Gumarabic, I recollect now there is one relative to you.

GUM. (_nods his head_.) I thought so.

[SEEDY _reads_.]

"And whereas I consider that my apothecary, Mr Haustus Gumarabic, hath sent in much unnecessary physic, during my long illness--it is my earnest request that my executors will not fail to tax his bill."

GUM. (_rises and comes forward_.) Tax my bill!--well that is odd, very odd! I may as well go and look after my patients. [_Exit_.]

[JAMES _and_ WILLIAM _come forward_.]

JAMES. I say, Bill, how are you off for a suit of mourning?

WILL. Thanky for nothing, Jem. If the old gentleman don't go to heaven until I put it on, he will be in a very bad way. Come along, it's no use staying here.

[JOHN _and_ THOMAS _come forward_.]

JOHN. I say, Tom, how are you off for nineteen pounds nineteen and six? Heh!

THOS. Let's toss and see which shall have both legacies. Here goes-- heads or tails?

JOHN. Woman for ever.

THOS. You've won, so there's an end of not only my expectations but realities. Come along, Mrs Jellybags must be anxious to look over her wardrobe.

JOHN. Yes, and also the silver watch and the key and seal hanging to it. Good bye, Jemmy! Ha! ha!

[_Exeunt, laughing_.] CLEM. For shame, John. (_Turns to_ EDWARD.) My dear Edward, do not appear so downcast. I acknowledge that I am myself much mortified and disappointed--but we must submit to circumstances. What did I tell you before this will was read?--that nothing could alter my feelings towards you, did I not?

EDW. (_with indifference_.) Yes.

CLEM. Why then annoy yourself, my dear Edward?

EDW. The confounded old junks!

CLEM. Nay, Edward, recollect that he is dead--I can forgive him.

EDW. But I won't. Has he not dashed my cup of bliss to the ground? Heavens! what delightful anticipations I had formed of possessing you and competence--all gone!

CLEM. All gone, dear Edward?

[Mrs JELLYBAGS, _who has been sitting very still, takes her handkerchief from her eyes and listens_.]

EDW. Yes, gone!--gone for ever! Do you imagine, my ever dear Clementina, that I would be so base, so cruel, so regardless of you and your welfare, to entrap you into marriage with only one hundred and fifty pounds! No, no!--judge me better. I sacrifice myself--my happiness--all for you!--banish myself from your dear presence, and retire to pass the remainder of my existence in misery and regret, maddened with the feeling that some happier mortal will obtain that dear hand, and will rejoice in the possession of those charms which I had too fondly, too credulously, imagined as certain to be mine.

[_Takes out his handkerchief and covers his face_; CLEMENTINA _also puts her handkerchief to her face and weeps_. Mrs JELLYBAGS _nods her head ironically_.]

CLEM. Edward!

EDW. My dear, dear Clementina!

CLEM. You won't have me?

EDW. My honour forbids it. If you knew my feelings--how this poor heart is racked!

CLEM. Don't leave me, Edward. Did you not say that for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, you would be mine, till death did us part?

EDW. Did I!

CLEM. You know you did, Edward.

EDW. It's astonishing how much nonsense we talk when in love. My dearest Clementina, let us be rational. We are almost without a sixpence. There is an old adage, that when poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window. Shall I then make you miserable! No! no! Hear me, Clementina. I will be generous. I now absolve you from all your vows. You are free. Should the time ever come that prosperity shine upon me, and I find that I have sufficient for both of us of that dross which I despise, then will I return, and, should my Clementina not have entered into any other engagement, throw my fortune and my person at her feet. Till then, dearest Clementina, farewell!

CLEM. (_sinking into a chair sobbing_.) Cruel Edward! Oh, my heart will break!

EDW. I can bear it myself no longer. Farewell! farewell! [_Exit_.]

JEL. (_coming forward_.) Well, this is some comfort.--(_To_ CLEMENTINA.) Did I not tell you, Miss, that if you did not change your mind, others might?

CLEM. Leave me, leave me.

JEL. No, I shan't; I have as good a right here as you, at all events. I shall stay, Miss.

CLEM. (_rising_.) Stay then--but I shall not. Oh, Edward! Edward! [_Exit, weeping_.]

JEL. (_alone_.) Well, I really thought I should have burst--to be forced not to allow people to suppose that I cared, when I should like to tear the old wretch out of his coffin to beat him. _His_ wardrobe! If people knew his wardrobe as well as I do, who have been patching at it these last ten years--not a shirt or a stocking that would fetch sixpence! And as for his other garments, why a Jew would hardly put them into his bag! (_Crying_.) Oh dear! oh dear! After all, I'm just like Miss Clementina; for Sergeant O'Callaghan, when he knows all this, will as surely walk off without beat of drum, as did Mr Edward--and that too with all the money I have lent him. Oh these men! these men!-- whether they are living or dying there is nothing in them but treachery and disappointment! When they pretend to be in love, they only are trying for your money; and even when they make their wills, they leave to those behind them nothing but _ill-will_.

[_Exit, crying, off the stage as the curtain falls_.]