Chapter 46

SEEDY, _the lawyer, sitting by his side, with papers on the table before him_.

SEEDY. I believe now, sir, that every thing is arranged in your will according to your instructions. Shall I read it over again; for although signed and witnessed, you may make any alteration you please by a codicil.

CAD. No, no. You have read it twice, Mr Seedy, and you may leave me now. I am ill, very ill, and wish to be alone.

SEEDY (_folds up his papers and rises_.) I take my leave, Mr Cadaverous, trusting to be long employed as your solicitor.

CAD. Afraid not, Mr Seedy. Lawyers have no great interest in heaven. Your being my solicitor will not help me there.

SEEDY (_coming forward as he goes out_.) Not a sixpence to his legal adviser! Well, well! I know how to make out a bill for the executors.

[_Exit_ SEEDY, _and enter_ Mrs JELLYBAGS.] JEL. (_with her handkerchief to her eyes_.) Oh dear! oh dear! oh, Mr Cadaverous, how can you fatigue and annoy yourself with such things as wills?

CAD. (_faintly_.) Don't cry, Mrs Jellybags. I've not forgotten you.

JEL. (_sobbing_.) I can't--help--crying. And there's Miss Clementina,--now that you are dying,--who insists upon coming in to see you.

CAD. Clementina, my niece, let her come in, Mrs Jellybags; I feel I'm going fast,--I may as well take leave of every body.

JEL. (_sobbing_.) Oh dear! oh dear! You may come in, Miss.

_Enter_ CLEMENTINA.

CLEM. My dear uncle, why have you, for so many days, refused me admittance? Every morning have I asked to be allowed to come and nurse you, and for more than three weeks have received a positive refusal.

CAD. Refusal! Why I never had a message from you.

CLEM. No message! Every day I have sent, and every day did Mrs Jellybags reply that you would not see me.

CAD. (_faintly_.) Mrs Jellybags,--Mrs Jellybags--

CLEM. Yes, uncle; it is true as I stand here;--and my brother Thomas has called almost every day, and John every Sunday, the only day he can leave the banking-house; and cousins William and James have both been here very often.

CAD. Nobody told me! I thought every one had forgotten me. Why was I not informed, Mrs Jellybags?

JEL. (_in a rage_.) Why, you little, story-telling creature, coming here to impose upon your good uncle! You know that no one has been here--not a soul;--and as for yourself, you have been too busy looking after a certain gentleman ever to think of your poor uncle;--that you have;--taking advantage of his illness to behave in so indecorous a manner. I would have told him every thing, but I was afraid of making him worse.

CLEM. You are a false, wicked woman!

JEL. Little impudent creature,--trying to make mischief between me and my kind master, but it won't do. (_To_ CLEMENTINA _aside_.) The will is signed, and I'll take care he does not alter it;--so do your worst.

CAD. (_faintly_.) Give me the mixture, Mrs --

CLEM. I will, dear uncle. (_Pours out the restorative mixture in a glass_.)

JEL. (_going back_.) You will, Miss,--indeed! but you shan't.

CLEM. Be quiet, Mrs Jellybags;--allow me at least to do something for my poor uncle.

CLEM. Give me the mix--

JEL. (_prevents_ CLEMENTINA _from giving it, and tries to take it from her_.) You shan't, Miss!--You never shall.

CAD. Give me the --

[Mrs JELLYBAGS _and_ CLEMENTINA _scuffle, at last_ CLEMENTINA _throws the contents of the glass into_ Mrs JELLYBAGS'S _face_.]

CLEM. There, then!--since you will have it.

JEL. (_in a rage_.) You little minx!--I'll be revenged for that. Wait a little till the will is read,--that's all;--See if I don't bundle you out of doors,--that I will.

CLEM. As you please, Mrs Jellybags; but pray give my poor uncle his restorative mixture.

JEL. To please you?--Not I! I'll not give him a drop till I think proper. Little, infamous, good-for-nothing--

CAD. Give me--oh!

JEL. Saucy--man-seeking--

CLEM. Oh! as for that, Mrs Jellybags, the big sergeant was here last night--I know that. Talk of men indeed!

JEL. Very well, Miss!--very well! Stop till the breath is out of your uncle's body--and I'll beat you till your's is also.

CAD. Give--oh!

CLEM. My poor uncle! He will have no help till I leave the room--I must go. Infamous woman! _Exit_.

CAD. Oh!

JEL. I'm in such a rage!--I could tear her to pieces!--the little!--the gnat! Oh, I'll be revenged! Stop till the will is read, and then I'll turn her out into the streets to starve. Yes! yes! the will!--the will! (_Pauses and pants for breath_.) Now, I recollect the old fellow called for his mixture. I must go and get some mere. I'll teach her to throw physic in my face.

[_Goes out and returns with a phial--pours out a portion, and goes up to_ Mr CADAVEROUS.]

JEL. Here, my dear Mr Cadaverous. Mercy on me!--Mr Cadaverous!--why, he's fainted!--Mr Cadaverous! (_Screams_.) Lord help us!--why, he's dead! Well now, this sort of thing does give one a shock, even when one has longed for it. Yes, he's quite dead! (_Coming forward_.) So, there's an end of all his troubles--and, thank Heaven! of mine also. Now for Sergeant-major O'Callaghan, and--love! Now for Miss Clementina, and--revenge? But first the will!--the will!

_Curtain drops_.