Part 2

I slept this night at Dr. _Hiccup_’s house, and borrowed a shirt and pair of stockings of him. At breakfast I took an opportunity to tell him of the narrowness of my circumstances; but he was suddenly taken with a rapturous fit of devotion, and pulling up his night-gown to his waist, began to sing, and dance, and caper, and kick, to such a degree, that no one in the room was safe: I ran towards the door to save my shins, and the Doctor rising with both feet in the air like a Harlequin, gave me such a horse-kick on my rump, singing at the same time the _March in Saul_, that I descended into the street down five steps, head foremost, and cracked my bassoon in twenty places.

Six hours I attended at the door, but was told by a servant out of a window, that the Doctor was still performing his dance of devotion; and for aught I know, that great man may dance till doom’s-day, as I never after could get any other answer at his door.

On more mature reflexion, I thought this kind of treatment very hard from a brother musician, and one to whom I was so well recommended; but I consoled myself with considering, that though my bassoon was broken in sundry places, yet I had retained the Doctor’s shirt and stockings; and that it was very likely my great prototype, Dr. Mus himself, had frequently met with the same treatment, tho’ his modesty had inclined him to conceal it.

DURHAM.

From this place to _Durham_ I was necessitated to travel on foot; and by playing the _Black Joke_, _Murdoch O’Blaney_, and other sentimental tunes to the girls of the villages I pass’d through, procured food and lodging, which my brother of the String had refused me. At _Darlington_, I waited on the _Maestro di Capella_, or clerk of the parish, who I may assert had the finest nasality, or nose-intonation, that ever was given to _David_’s _psalms_; and the melody of his _Amen_, was quite astonishing.

So well was my bassoon received at this church, that the ’Squire’s lady invited me to Dinner. “Good Signior _Collioni_,” says she, “you have charmed, you have enraptured me; pray, has the wind which escapes out at the end of your instrument any smell?”——“smell!” says I, “no, madam, not unless I eat onions.” At this all the ladies laughed most extravagantly.

However, the ’Squire after dinner gave me a recommendatory letter to the great Mr. _Eccho_ of _Durham_, principal performer belonging to that opulent cathedral; and withal told me, that Mr. _Eccho_ had so long apply’d himself to musical notes, that he had utterly forgot all articulate language. That he preached, conversed, prayed, scolded, swore, talk’d bawdy, and blasphemy, all on the fiddle, without uttering a word, or even making a sign with his fingers.

At my introduction to this great man, I began a long complimental speech, which I had been some time studying.——“Most respectable sir, whose soul is a soul of harmony, and whose body is like a base-viol.”——Here he snatch’d up his fiddle with an air of great complacency, and drawing, the bow gently over the strings said, as plain as if he had spoke it. “Oh, sir, your most obedient; you compliment me indeed, sir, too much.” I then told him how long a journey I had performed on foot, and that the dusty roads had made me dry. He snatched up his violin, and before he had play’d above a bar or two, in came a footman with a jug of delicate ale. Next I mentioned modestly my having eat nothing all day.——“_Trut, trut, bish, bash, bush_,” cries the fiddle—“Indeed, sir,” replies I, “I, don’t fast for the sake of devotion”——“_ir, er, ar, querr, quorr, quurr_”—quoth the fiddle, and in came a surloin of cold beef, and mustard and bread, in the twinkling of a fiddle-stick.

This gentleman, quoth I, is greater than _Orpheus_ or _Eurydice_, or the _Serpent_;—no, no, _Orpheus_ could do no such things as these—ale and beef were a note or two above his fiddle!

Soon after came in Mr. _Eccho_’s wife, with a “what the deuce are you about, bringing beggars into my house?”—Mr. _Eccho_ catched up the fiddle, and such a jar did I never hear “_arg, erg, urg, gir, gor, gur_”—I warrant you madam became as dumb as if she were inchanted.

Indeed, hearing this lady give me the opprobrious name of beggar, I took care to shew the diamond ring on my little finger, which I always wear when I perform in public, which might give her a better opinion of me, tho’ indeed it is only a Bristol stone, and that I pay a silver-smith two pence a week for the use of; and I would have hired a laced waistcoat, but was asked a shilling a week, tho’ I am sure the lace had been twice turn’d; yet, if I had hired it, I dare say Dr. _Hiccup_ would scarcely have kicked me out of his house.

CARLISLE.

At _Carlisle_ I waited on Lord _Diddle-doodle_ with proper musical credentials: he was sat against a glass practising some solfeggis on the violin, and attending to the gracefulness of his own attitude. “Most illustrious Peer,” says I, (making a bow to the very ground) “your noble ancestors gain’d victory in the hardy fields of war, but you by music civilize and harmonize mankind; with what rapture must they lean from their starry mansions to see and hear your immortal powers of harmony and grace!” I stopp’d, and on looking up, found that his lordship had not attended to a word I had spoken, nor seemed conscious of my being in the room;—but as great geniuses are often absent, I repeated my compliment in a louder voice, and approaching, was amazed to find that his lordship was quite deaf, deaf as a post; and yet he executed the most difficult passages in music with the greatest grace and manner, better, I dare say, than if he had heard his own performance.

When his lordship had perceived me, he approached me with the utmost politeness, and made signs for me to sit down, and accompany him upon the bassoon, which I did ’till dinner-time. After dinner, I intreated my lady _Diddle-doodle_ to prevail upon the noble lord to sing, which he did; but I was rather disappointed at finding that his voice was only pack-thread[3]. However, he sung in tune; had a shake, and was far from vulgar. My lady afterwards made ample amends by her own singing. Her voice was a skane of silk, without the least mixture of worsted. She understood all the lights and shades of melody. Her back-ground; her mezzotints; and her clare-obscure were charming, and there was such a roundness and dignity in all the tones, that every thing she did became interesting.

[3] “His voice is now but a thread.” TOUR TO ITALY.

It was in this part of _England_, I paid a visit to Mr. _Quaver_, with recommendatory letters from lord _Diddle-doodle_; I found him to be a gentleman of considerable and original musical genius; his taste was pure, chaste, refined; and his execution, particularly upon the Jew’s harp, was exquisite; he executed with great taste and powers, _Nancy Dawson_, _Lillabullero_, and _Old Sir Simon the king_. After dinner he explained to me his system for the improvement of sound, which was at once sublime and original. “The Author of Nature,” said he, “has with an equal and judicious hand distributed his gifts among his creatures: to one he has given strength; to another, dexterity; to a third, perseverance; in the same manner has he divided the agreeable qualifications; and the courtier and the fine gentleman need not blush to receive instruction from the spaniel and the monkey—Now as the philosopher models his life upon an imitation of the virtues of animals, the true connoisseur will do the same”—there he stopp’d, as if afraid to explain himself; but I told him, that there was something so original and masterly in his conceptions that I should never be easy, until he communicated them. Upon which, after a short pause, he seized me by the hand, and grasping it with affection, “since,” said he, “I find in you the true spirit of your science, I will no longer maintain any reserve; know then, that after a profound meditation upon the sublimest mysteries of our profession, I have traced them up to the creation”—“how!” said I, with amaze, “I thought that the greatest Antiquarians had never brought them with any certainty higher than the Deluge.” “I knew,” said he, “I should surprize you; but it is certain that _Adam_, amongst his other qualifications, possessed that of expressing every sound that ever has or can be uttered; hence he could not only sing base and treble, counter-tenor, and soprano to admiration; but also squeak like a pig, croak like a frog, bellow like a bull, whinny like a colt, and bray like an ass.”

“It is true, that the greater part of these faculties was taken from him at the Fall, and have been very sparingly bestowed upon his descendants; from hence arises that degeneracy into which music has fallen in the modern ages of the world: that sublime science, instead of expressing the natural passions, by a judicious imitation of the tones of beasts; instead of roaring out the lion’s rage; bellowing the jealousy of the bull, or chanting the amorous passions of the nightingale, is become a meer unmeaning jargon, without force or energy, and its professors and admirers are dwindled into the most contemptible part of the creation; quavering eunuchs, unfeeling prostitutes, insignificant blockheads, wretches without head, or heart, or sentiment, or enthusiasm.”—I was too sensible that there was but too much truth in this gentleman’s observations, though I could not assent to every thing he said against our modern _virtuosi_, among whom envy itself must acknowledge there are some accomplished characters; and the eighteenth century will always glory in having produced an ELECTOR OF MUNICH, a TENDUCCI, and a MUS.

“But,” said my friend, “perceiving this to be the lamentable state of things, I have with true and indefatigable industry applied myself to the restoration of the first _Adamitical_ harmony; I have selected the most admirable notes from every animal, and have already acquired a tolerable proficiency in bellowing, braying and grunting: I indeed found that the _squall_ of the peacock was two notes too high for my voice; but in return, if I may say so without vanity, I can inspire every hen and gosling in the yard with tender sentiments. I have, besides this, collected every great natural genius that I have found among the brute creation; I have a young he-ass who has an admirable bass; a young hog, (a _castrato_) who sings counter-tenor; and a dear little cat, whom, in honour of that illustrious name, so celebrated in the Doctor’s tour, I call MINGOTTI, who has an excellent treble, and a surprising _portamento_. But why waste I time in description? you shall see my scholars, and my _schola_.”

Saying this, he led me to a large building, which resembled a barn, where we were received by the _Maestro di Capella_, who was an old and deaf huntsman. The first object I beheld was a beautiful she-ass in a _Mecklinburgh_ night-cap, who brayed a solo. Her voice was one of the clearest, sweetest, truest, most powerful and extensive I ever heard. In compass, it is from _B♭_ on the fifth space in the bass, to _D_ in _alt_, full steady and equal; her shake was good, and her _portamento_ admirably free from the nose, mouth, or throat. We were then entertained by a duet between the _Mingotti_, and a large raven, in the _chromatic_, which grew more spirited by my friend’s pulling a bone out of his pocket, which he threw to the performers, and thereby produced a _conflicta_. I then told my friend that I would willingly hear the _castrato_, but he told me he was afraid the _Caffarelli_ could not oblige me in that particular, as he had unfortunately taken cold by rolling too long upon an unaired dunghill, and was then actually in a course of sugar-candy. However, he threw a turnip to encourage him to exert himself, and I could judge from what I then heard, that he is likely to become a most masterly performer.

My friend then tied strings to the ears of six young greyhound puppies, which he twitch’d with so much art and judgment by means of a pully, that I think the effect was equal to any _viol di gamba_ I ever heard, not excepting that of the Elector of _Munich_.

My friend then suspended two cats by the tails, which he contrived should alternately bob upon the noses of two sucking pigs, who were tied by the hind-legs to the floor: though I observed these performers were somewhat embarassed in their manner, yet I could not but acknowledge the effect was quite original and truly theatric.

Mr. _Quaver_ then told me that he had formerly introduced some of these performers to sing at a concert, but without success: and he made great complaints of the unpoliteness of the audience, which he said could sit with patience three hours to listen to the unmeaning trills of heroes in hoop-petticoats, and _Italian_ vagabonds in a strange language, while they would not bestow one half hour upon the voice of nature and their brethren. Tho’ I was quite ignorant of the facts he alluded too, yet, like Dr. MUS, I was so partial to talents, wherever I found them, that I could not help condoling with my kind host upon the occasion; and after having bemoaned the degeneracy of the times, and wished him success in his truly original undertaking, which I promised him I would take due notice of in my intended work, I set forward on my journey to _Bristol_.

Had I been rich, I should have agreed with a coachman, who was just then setting out, and offered to carry me and my bassoon, in the basket, for sixteen shillings. But as riches are not always the companions of genius, I rather chose to take my place in a coal-vessel, which was to arrive at that city in three days. Here, as the weather was extremely fine when I sat out, I travelled very agreeably, for the first day, and dined upon bread and cheese, and cold bacon, without making any observations worth communicating to the public, except that I saw a man standing upon the bank, and angling for dace, notwithstanding the earliness of the season.

The second day, as the wind suddenly changed from West to North-East, was foggy, rainy, and so exceedingly cold, that I was obliged, for want of Dr. MUS’s lousy blanket, to slip my legs and thighs into a coal-sack; we stopped about two o’clock at _Averley_, a little village on the banks of the _Severn_ to dine; and here I cannot but inform the world, that Mr. _Bangor_, at the sign of the _Goat in Boots_, is an extremely civil and polite landlord, and has no contemptible taste in music. When I informed him of my design in making this expedition, he very obligingly led me into his hall, which was stuck round with various antique pieces of music, such as _Chevy Chace_, _The Children in the Wood_, _Three Children sliding on the Ice_, _The history of St. George_, &c. which he kindly permitted me to enrich my collection with. I begged hard that he would permit me to prick out the notes of an incomparable whistle as he performed it, which at length with great difficulty he complied with, upon condition however that I should not print it. But I was more than all surprized and charmed with his generosity, in slipping a piece of fried cow’s heel into my pocket, and insisting upon treating me with a dram, before I went into the cold.

As I walked down to the river side, I remarked a boy, who was humming the tune of _Yanky Doodle_; and as I knew this to be an extremely popular air in some parts of _America_, I conjectured that this part of _England_ was originally peopled from that continent.

BRISTOL.

Late the next evening, we arrived at _Bristol_, a large and populous city, more famous for its commerce, manufactures and such trifles, than for its taste in music. They have but lately had a regular theatre established there to civilize and polish the uncouth manners of the dissenters, who would even have succeeded in the savage opposition they made to this salutary measure, if the bishops had not espoused the cause of the fine arts; I have little doubt, therefore, that they will soon find that “music is so combined with things sacred and important, as well as with our pleasures, that it seems necessary to our existence:” they will then quickly become friends to organs, and next to operas. As I approached the city, I was gratified with seeing the battalions of the principal militia, who made a most formidable appearance, and marched in exact time to the marrow-bones and cleavers, which had an admirable effect and were extremely animating. I put up at the _Dog’s Head in the Porridge-Pot_, and after powdering my wig with some flour, clipping my beard with a pair of scissars, and turning my shirt, I went to wait on Signor _Manselli_, to whom I had letters of recommendation. When I had knocked at the door, and enquired whether the Signor was within, I was informed that he was, but that I could not see him, as he was then busied in performing his vocalities. This answer, you may be sure, redoubled my curiosity, and I replied, “if a poor, yet I trust, not unknown musician, may be judged worthy of being an unobserved spectator of the Signor’s meditations, I promise not to interrupt his reveries, and perhaps the Signor himself will not be displeased at your introducing to him a _Collioni_!”

When he learned that I was a musician, he bowed respectfully, and desiring me to pull off my shoes, as he did himself, he led me to the Signor’s apartment. When we came to the door, the servant desired me to pull off my coat, waistcoat, and wig, and creep through a hole, which he shewed me at the bottom of the door, as he assured me the Signor did not suffer even crowned heads to approach him in these moments of enthusiasm, without taking those precautions; “and sir,” said he, “you need not think this an humiliating situation, as I have seen many persons of the first fashion, among whom were several pregnant ladies, submit to the same ceremony.”

I did not hesitate a moment to comply with the customary _etiquette_, but stripping myself to the shirt, I crept into the room with the same awful silence with which the antient priests approached the Tripod of their God. Having posted myself behind a large screen, I beheld the Signor extended on his belly, while two young and beautiful ladies were gently stroaking his back with the palms of their hands. He lay for some minutes pensive and silent, as if waiting for the inspirations of the divinity. At length, on a sudden, “his eyes were fixt, his underlip fell, and drops of effervescence distilled from his whole countenance.” Immediately explosions of the most musical intonation I had ever heard, issued from behind, and enraptured the whole company. After this, he successively coughed, sneezed, hiccuped, eructated, squeaked and whistled in the most harmonious manner that can be conceived. “Thank heaven,” cried the Signor, “my powers of harmony are yet undiminished: I shall still live to bless the world, and polish this brutal nation.” Saying this, he took up his fiddle, and played a most divine solo. I heard him for some time in silent ecstacy, ’till at length incapable of suppressing my emotions any longer, I precipitated myself into his arms, crying or rather blubbering out in imitation of the great _Cassarelli_, _Bravo! bravissimo! Manselli, è Collioni che ti lo dice_. The Signor seemed somewhat surprized at my abrupt introduction, but at length, recollecting himself, he received me with ineffable politeness. The ladies at my appearance, had shrieked, and left the room, which in the first hurry of our embraces we had not perceived. But presently the Signor, glancing his eye downwards, recollected himself, and said with some warmth and emphasis, “O, fye, Signor _Collioni_, I took it for granted you were one of US.” I blushed at the imputation, and said, “I hoped this defect would not lessen me in his esteem, as my country was not yet sufficiently civilized to have adopted the custom; and though some of our prime nobility had the spirit and taste to lead the way, yet in the gross conceptions of the _English_, there was a certain degree of ridicule annexed to it, which deterred several men otherwise of the most exquisite politeness from submitting to it.” The Signor was kind enough to admit my excuses, but lamented this as the greatest obstacle to the national advancement in the science of music. However, he averred that several _English_ young noblemen of fortune had to his knowledge undergone the operation in _Italy_, “and though,” added he, “an ordinary proficient may be exempted from the practice, yet it is indispensibly necessary for one who would fathom all the mysteries of the art, and emulate the illustrious names of _Senesino_, _Farinelli_, _Tenducci_, &c.”

I confess I was much staggered at what he said, more especially as I began to entertain some doubts myself whether the characters of a man and a musician were at all compatible.

I hinted to him, that I had formerly heard, that a certain great Personage, _tàm Marti quàm Mercurio_, equally illustrious for his martial and his musical talents, had adopted the practice; but as the Doctor had not recorded it in his tour to _Potzdam_, I imagined the report was without foundation.

“Ah!” said he, “depend upon it, tho’ the Doctor has indeed omitted this circumstance in the admirable description he gives of that hero, and Dilettante practising his _solfeggi_ at _Potzdam_, yet he would never have been either the monarch, or the flutist he is without it. Do you think, added he, that illustrious philosopher could amuse himself so calmly in his closet with fugus and adagios, while ten thousand _Polish_ widows, and orphans, were imprecating curses upon the head of their unfeeling destroyer, unless he had totally disengaged himself from every incumbrance of his sex and species?”

Here the entrance of the young ladies interrupted any further conversation on the subject. The eldest, his niece, who was called _Gluckinella Inglesina_, desired me to sing, which I did in the softest and most unmanly tone I could exert, that I might not again offend. I asked her what her real opinion of my voice was? she answered me with the most perfect affability, that I acquitted myself tolerably well _considering_; tho’ “she thought me too ambitious of displaying my talent of working parts and subjects, and added that my _cantilena_ was often rude.”

I took an opportunity when I was alone with this young lady, to enquire if the _castrati_ were much in vogue at _Bristol_, and if that operation could be so safely attempted on elderly gentlemen; this young lady smiled at my simplicity, and assured me that the operation was safe and easy, and not so painful as to acquire any degree of resolution, and that the _castrati_ were the favourites of the ladies, both of the married and unmarried. She advised me by all means to undergo the operation as the Doctor had done in _Italy_, tho’ his excess of modesty prevented him from boasting of it in his excellent treatise. She added, that she could not with safety love me, unless I would submit to this for her sake.