Part 5

Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' all der time!" I says "I vouldn't do it"--dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I am. Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise, Und keeked me oudt der house, sir--righdt bevore my vace und eyes! I tell you vat it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put oudt, To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt, Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door. Youst on aggount sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore.

I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse; Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot--she's gettin' vorse und vorse; Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only course To comb here und get your adwice--und also a diworce.

* * * * *

You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's tongue, I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young. So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay, Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say.

Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own, Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone. Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay, I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay. Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick, Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick. Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense; Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense.

Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now; I can't remaimber vot I vorget--dot beats all, ainyhow! Oh! now I've got it--wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und gone, Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn. Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain, "Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to blame." Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died, Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side.

Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead shall rise, Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping eyes; Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und vait, Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden Gate.

GEORGE M. WARREN.

CUT, CUT BEHIND.

Vhen shnow und ice vas on der ground, Und merry shleigh-bells shingle; Vhen Shack Frost he vas peen around, Und make mine oldt ears tingle-- I hear dhose roguish gamins say, "Let shoy pe unconfined!" Und dhen dhey go for efry shleigh, Und yell, "Cut, cut pehind!"

It makes me shust feel young some more, To hear dhose youngsters yell, Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore, Py shings! I shust vould--Vell, Vhen some oldt pung was coomin' py, I dink I'd feel inclined To shump right in upon der shly, Und shout, "Cut, cut pehind!"

I mind me vot mine fader said Vonce vhen I vas a poy, Mit meeschief alvays in mine head, Und fool of life und shoy. "Now, Hans, keep off der shleighs," says he, "Or else shust bear in mind, I dake you righdt across my knee, Und cut, cut, cut pehind!"

Vell, dot vas years und years ago, Und mine young Yawcob too, Vas now shkydoodling droo der shnow, Shust like I used to do; Und ven der pungs coom py mine house, I shust peeks droo der plind, Und sings oudt, "Go id, Yawcob Strauss, Cut, cut, cut, cut, pehind!"

_Charles Follen Adams, in Harper's._

TICKLED ALL OAFER.

The Chief of Police yesterday had a visit from an old farmer living out on the Center Line road, who had a story to tell. After two or three efforts, he began:--

"I vhas goin home, last night, ven I overtakes two men on der roadt. Dose fellers dey laft, und saidt would I gif 'em a ride? I laft, too, und say, 'shump in.'"

"Yes, I understand."

"Pooty queek one feller laft, und saidt he likes Dutchmens, 'cause his uncle vas a Dutchmans. Dot vhas all right, und so I laft, too. I vhas real tickled, und I shakes all oafer."

"Yes."

"In a leetle vhile one feller vhants me to shange a seven-tollar bill, so as he could gif some money to der orphan assylums; und he lafts, ha! ha! ha! Dot tickled me some more, und I lafts too. Den de odder feller, he grabs me py der collar und pulls me down behind, und says dey looks in my pockets for a shteampoat dot vos stolen from Detroit. Dot makes us all laff, like some goot shoke."

"It must have been funny."

"It vhas. Dose fellers took out my wallet and counted oop der monish. I had shust ten tollar; und dey laft, und said dot dey must go on some trips to der seashore mit dot. Dot tickled me some more, und I laft, too."

"Well, what then?"

"Vhell, den dey shumped oud, und put deir fingers on der noses, und says, 'Goot-py, old Dutchmans,' und avhay dey goes like some horse-races."

"And you didn't laugh at that?"

"Vhell, not pooty much. I vhas all ready to, but I shtopped. If dem fellers vhas up to shokes, it was all right; but if they vhas robbers, I vhants you to catch 'em, und gif 'em some pieces of my mind, like dunder. I doan' like somepody to laff at me vhen they doan' feel tickled all oafer."

AN ERROR O' JUDGMENT.

We are a quiet, law-abiding people doon here in Saltcoats. Indeed, I havna seen a polisman for sax weeks, an' trooly when I think o' hoo happy we a' are I'm aye reminded o' the hundred and thirty-third Saum.

Being orderly folk, an' in oor beds at a proper oor, the street-lamps are a' screwed oot every nicht at twal o'clock--an' quite late eneuch tae, for if folk are no hame by that time they should be. Oor gas, I may remark, is cheaper and better than the Glasgow thing; altho' we don't make a great wark aboot it bein' equal ta sae mony "caunle po'er," an' ither nonsense o' that kin'. Bein' savin' folk, moreover, on nichts when the mune's up the lamps are no lichtit at a'. It wad be o' nae use, you see, an' a perfect throwin' awa o' gas. But that brings me to what I was goin' tae say.

The ither nicht, though it wis vera dark, no a lamp was lichtet, a matter that rather bothered the inhabitants. By-an'-by a few o' the principal folk cam' doon tae my place jist as I wis closin', an' after a bit crack we made up oor mind tae gie a ca' on the lamplighter. The reg'lar man wis through at Kirkliston--he's East country himsel', if I don't mistak he belangs tae Manuel--buryin' his wife's auntie; so it wis jist, as ye micht say, a depute-proxy that wis daein' the wark. Weel, we daunnert up tae this depute-proxy's hoose; bit he wis in bed, on' a' oor chappin' at the door couldna rouse him. Seein' this, we borrow't a lether, frae a slater that steys next door, an' twa o' the ithers steadin' it, I crept up the rungs an' twirlt at the window wi' my fingers, singin' a' the time--

O are ye sleeping, Wullie! O are ye sleeping, Wullie! O are ye----

"Whit ye oh-in' at?" cries Wullie, comin' tae the window: "a body wid think it wis some lass you were serenadin'."

"Wullie," says I solemnly, "what's this ye hae been daein' at a' at a'?"

"I've been daein' naething but sleepin': it's you that's kicking up the row."

"But ye hivna lichtet the lamps the nicht."

"This is no my nicht: it's the mune the nicht."

"Surely ye've made a mistak, Wullie: there's nae mune that I see."

"I've made nae mistak, for I lookit the almanac."

"But will ye no listen tae reason? Put yer heid oot an' see for yersel'."

Wullie put his heid oot. "Woel," he says, "there's nae mune, certainly; but ye surely widna hae me responsible for that. I go by the almanac; an' if it says there's to be a mune, it's a' one tae me whether there's nae mune or a million o' munes, not a lamp will I licht."

"That's quite richt, Wullie: nae doot ye maun hae some rule to go by--Gentlemen," I cries doon, "he has the best o' the argument: what am I tae dae noo?"

"Haul him oot the window," they cried up.

"Oh! if ye're goin' tae begin fechtin' I'll come doon," I replies, "and let some o' the rest o' ye up." But they cried, that I'd better jist settle it when I wis there, so I says, "Wullie, whit almanac d'ye go by? Is't Orr's, or the Belfast?"

"Here it's up on the mantlepiece, ye can see it for yersel';" and he took it doon, an' held it oot tae me, giein' me a cannle at the same time to read it by. One look, hooever, explained the hale affair. "Gracious guidness, Wullie," I cries, "this is last year's!"

"Eh! what! last year's?"

"It is that," says I.

"Mr Kaye," says Wullie, "don't say another word. Wait a minute, an' I'll put on my troosers, an' in hauf an oor every lamp'll be shinin' sae that ye wid think it wis a general illumination."

He wis as guid as his word; an' we a' accompanied him on his rounds, an' the cheers the laddies gied as each lamp wis lichtet wid 'a' dune yer hert guid. We had a meetin' in the coalree afterwards; an' I proposed that Wullie, for his strict attention tae duty--it was only an error o' judgment he had made, very different frae carelessness--should get the first vacant place we had, at a guid wage; an' the motion wis carried, an' Wullie an' us a' went hame happy.

SOCKERY KADAHCUT'S KAT.

Oh! I had de vorst dime lasd veek dot you effer saw. Katrina (dot vos mine frau) vent avay to make a liddle bicnic, und as I vas been hafin' de shake und agers und didn't feel pooty goot, I shtayed to home.

Vell, as I vas valkin' arount de parn yart, I saw dot same olt plue hen coom out from unter der parn sayin': "Kut, kut, ka-dah-kut; kut, kut, ka-dah-kut," und dot puts me in mint of a shoke dot Katrina mait on me von tay: she sait dot I autto vas bin a olt rooster, cos de hens called me effery dime ven day lait a aigs. Dot vas a pooty goot shoke on me. Vell, as I vas saying, I saw dot olt plue hen coom out from unter de parn, und I tought to myself, meppy dere vas a nest of aigs unter dere; so I pull oud half a tozzen more sdones, und mait a hole so pig as I can crawl unter, und den as I vas crawlin' arount unter a lookin' for some nest mit aigs, all at once I spiet de pootiest liddle kat vat I effer seen; he vas all plack mit vite shtripes, und vas shnuggled ub in a little pall fahst asleeb.

Vell, ve vas bin vantin' a kat because dere vas so many mouses in de house, und I tought uf I kin git dot von I'll make Katrina a little surbrise barty; so I krawl along so sdill as never vas, till I got ub close to him, den I mait a grab und I ketched him by the neck so dot he dont kin pite me; but ach, mine gootness, vat shmell, vorse as a huntred parrels of limburgher! _I tought I had stepped on someding dot vas deat, und proke him mit my knees._ I vas most shoke mit dot shmell; but I held dot liddle kat up close to me und klimb oud so kwick as I can. Ven I got oud in de parn yart, dere vas pig Chake Moser goin' py, und ven he seen me, he sait, "Sockery, you olt deutch fool, vot are you doin' mit dot skunk?"--"Shkunk!" I sait, "I tought dot vas a liddle kat;" und I drop him so quick like he was hot.

Vell, Chake, he laf like he vould kill himself; und I ask him vot I kin do to git me off dot shmell. He sait dot de only ding vas to be perried in de ground till de earth absorp de shmell; und he sait he vould tig de hole und fix me in, if I vish. Vell, I dink dot is very goot of Chake, und I tought if I can get me dot shmell off before Katrina cooms home, I von't say any ding about dot liddle kat to anypody. So Chake dig de hole, und I sit down in it und vas perried up to de neck; den Chake sait he vas in a hurry und he must go to de willage, und he vent avay. Booty soon kwick a fly lite on my face, und I koodn't prush him off, cos my arms vas perried doo; und booty soon more as a hundret flies und effery ding vas krawl all ofer my het, und I shpit and plow, und vink my face dill I tink I vas gone crazy. Bimepy I heart a noise doun de roat, und I looked und dere vas apoud every man, vooman, und shildren in de willage, mit shpades, mit bic-axes, mit shuffles, mit efery dings, und all runnin rite ub de hill to my house; in a minnit more as dwenty vas in der yart, und ven dey see me perried to de chin, und vinkin und shpitten at dem flies, dere eyes shtuck oud more as a half a feet, und Dick Klaus sait, "_Vot vas you doin dere, Sockery?_"

Vell, I see dot dere vas no use drying to keep dot shdill, so I told dem all aboud dot liddle kat; und, my chimminy cracious! you kood hear dem fellows laff more as a mile.

You see dot shackass of a Chake Moser run und told dem in de willage dot dere vas a man perried alive up to Kadahcut's, so of course eferypody coom to git him oud.

Vell, dey tig me oud, und I trow away dem clothes, und vash, und vash; but ven Katrina coom ad nide, I shmell so dot she mait me sleeb in de parn for a whole veek.

I tink I shall moof avay; eferypody vants to know if I vant to py a kat, und I don'd kan shtand dis much longer yet.

I VASH SO GLAD I VASH HERE!

A HUMOROUS RECITATION.

One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was holding a protracted meeting, and one night preached on the subject of baptism. In the course of his remarks he said that some believe it necessary to go down into the water, and come up out of it, to be baptized. But this he claimed to be fallacy; for the preposition "into" of the Scripture should be rendered differently, as it does not mean _into_ at all times. "Moses," he said, "we are told, went up into the mountain; and the Saviour was taken up into a high mountain, etc. Now, we do not suppose either went into a mountain, but went unto it. So with going down into the water: it means simply going down close by or near to the water, and being baptized in the ordinary way by sprinkling or pouring." He carried this idea out fully, and in due season closed his discourse, when an invitation was given for any one so disposed to rise and express his thoughts. Quite a number of his brethren arose and said they were glad they had been present on this occasion, that they were well pleased with the sound sermon they had just heard, and felt their souls greatly blessed. Finally, a corpulent gentleman of Teutonic extraction, a stranger to all, arose and broke the silence that was almost painful, as follows:--

"Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here to-night, for I has had explained to my mint some dings dat I neffer could pelief before. Oh, I is so glad dat into does not mean into at all, but shust close by or near to; for now I can pelief many dings vot I could not pelief pefore. We reat, Mr. Breacher, dat Taniel vash cast into de ten of lions, and came out alife. Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilet peasts would shust eat him right off; but now it is fery clear to my mint. He vash shust close py or near to, and tid not get into de ten at all. Oh, I ish so glad I vash here to-night! Again, we reat dat de Heprew children vash cast into de firish furnace, and dat always look like a peeg story too, for they would have been purnt up; but it ish all blain to my mint now, for dey was shust cast py or close to de firish furnace. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night! And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said dat Jonah vash cast into de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. Now I neffer could pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be a peeg fish story, but it ish all blain to my mint now. He vash not into de whale's pelly at all, but shump onto his pack and rode ashore. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night!

"And now, Mr. Breacher, if you will shust exblain two more bassages of Scriptures, I shall be oh, so happy dot I vash here to-night. One of dem ish vere it saish de vicked shall be cast into a lake dat burns mit fire and primstone alwish. Oh, Mr. Breacher, shall I be cast into dat lake if I am vicked, or shust close py or near to--shust near enough to be comfortable? Oh, I hope you tell me I shall be cast only shust py a good vays off, and I will pe so glad I vash here to-night. De oder bassage is dat vich saish, blessed are they who do these commandments, dat dey may have right to de dree of life, and enter in droo de gates of de city, and not shust close py or near to,--shust near enough to see vat I have lost,--and I shall pe so glad I vash here to-night!"

DOT SHLY LEEDLE RASKEL.

I kin saw you, you shly leedle raskel, A-beekin' ad me drough dot shair! Come here righd away now und kiss me-- You doughd I don't know you vas dere. You all der dime hide from your fader, Und subbose he can't see mit his eyes, You vas goin' to fool me--eh, Fritzey?-- Und gafe me a grade big surprise?

Dot boy vas a rekular monkey-- Dere vas noding so high he don'd glimb; Und his mudder, she says dot his drousers Vants new bosoms in dem all der dime. He vas schmard, dough, dot same leedle feller, Und he sings all der vile like a lark, From vonce he gids up in der mornin' Dill ve drofe him to bed afder dark.

He's der bussiest von in der family, Und I bed you de louder he sings He vas raisin' der dickens mit some von-- He vas up to all manner of dings. He vos beekin' away, dot young raskel, Drough der shair--Moly Hoses! vot's dot? Dot "son-of-gun" mit a sceesors Is cut off der dail of der cat!

A JEW'S TROUBLE.

HURWOOD.

Vot a coundry dot is, anyvays! unt vot a peebles! Ye poor Shews don'd got some quietness anyveres. Ve vas been persecooted! dot is vot it is. Yust lisden vonce, vat droubles I haf by mineself.

In the vorst blace my name vos Isaacs--dot is my lasd name: my vrond name vas Solomon, unt I keeps me a nice leedle cloding schtore in de Powery. You oughd to seen it vonce! I got me eferyt'ing in dot schtore. Vell, von day last veek a nice cushdomer, vot liefed in Yarsey, come in, unt I sells him a peautiful coat very sheep. Von he pud id on, id vas a leedle, _yust a leedle_, full preasded in de pack; bud I got dot coat ub in my handt, so he did nod know it vas too pig enough. I dold him dot vas _peautiful_ fid--yusd like it vas made for him!

"Of you don'd peleef dot," says I, "I galls my vife. Maria, don'd dot coat fid dot shentlemans?"

"Yah, Solomon, dot vas a loafly fid, for sure!" said Maria.

So dot shentleman buy dot coat, and giefe me yust vot I asked, und nefer said vonce, "I giefe you hafe of dot brice," or somedings like dot, und I vas mad yust like a hornet dot I didn'd ask him dwice as mooch!

But vot has all dot got to do mit my droubles?

Nix!

Veil, go ahade!

Von day I gone me oud for a leedle valk, und vas scmoking von of dose real Hafana segars vot you buy dree for den cents, ven ub comes a pig, bulled-headed mans, vot hafe his hair all viled off, und he busds me in de schnood righd avay quick, pefore I know me some dings; unt, as my nose don'd vas fery schmall, it hurd me like fury.

"Vot de madder is, ain'd it?" said I. "Vot for you hid me dot vay?"

"Pecause you vas a _Shew_; dot is vot de madder vas!" said that old fighder.

"Vell, vot if I vas a Shew? I don'd do somedings by you! I don'd know you anyvays."

Unt den he giefe id do me again righdt in my left ear.

"Dot ish pecause you vas a Shew vot _killed de Saviour_! Dot is vy I hid you; und I'll busd efery hook nose vot I meed!"

"Vot hafe I got to do mit dot, anyvays? Id vas more ash a dousand years ago ven dot habbened, und I vas nod borned yet! You pig shackass, vot you means, anyvays?"

"Vell," says old schwell headt, "dot makes me nod different! I don'd hear me noding about it _till lasd nightd_, unt I'm going to 'put a headt' on every Shew I see, for doin' it!"

Vell, dot vas pig fool anyvays; so I left him and gone me home to Maria, und she pud mustard boultice on my schmeller. I vill sent dot feller up to blay "scheckers mit his nose," yust so soon as I catch him again!

DER MULE SHTOOD ON DER STEAMBOAD DECK.

Der mule shtood on der steamboad deck, For der land he wouldn't dread. Dhey tied a halder rount his neck, Und vacked him over der headt.

But obstinate and braced he shtood, As born der scene do rule. A creature of der holt-back brood,-- A shtubborn, shteadfast mule.

Dhey cursed and shwore, bud he vould not go Undill he felt inclined; Und dough dhey dundered blow on blow, He aldered nod his mind.

Der boats-boy to der shore complained, "Der varmint's bound do shtay!" Shtill ubon dot olt mule's hide Der sounding lash made blay.

His masder from der shore reblied, "Der boads aboud do sail; As oder means in vain you've dried, Subbose you dwist his dail.

"I dhink dot dat vil magke him land." Der boats-boy, brave, dough bale, Den near drew mit oudstretched hand, Do magke der dwist avail.

Dhen game a kick of thunder sound! Dot boy--oh, vhere vas he? Ask of der vaves dot far around Beheld him in der sea.

For a moment nod a voice was heard; Bud dot mule he vinked his eye, As dhough to ask, to him occurred, "How vas dot for high?"

ANON.

TEACHING HIM THE BUSINESS.

"Herman," said a Poydras-street merchant clothier, addressing his clerk, "haf ve sold all of dose overgoats vat vas left over from last vinter?"

"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet."

"Vell, ve must sell 'em right avay, as the vinter vill not last, you know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats und I vill show you somedings about de pisness. I vill tell you how we vill sell dem oud, und you must learn de bisness, Hermann; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav had dose goats in de store more es seex years."

An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, and, smoothing it out, he took a buckskin money-purse from the showcase, and stuffing it full of paper, dropped it into one of the pockets.

"Now, Herman, my poy," he continued, "vatch me sell dot goat. I haf sold over dirty-fife uv dem shust de same vay, und I vant to deech you de pisness. Yen de nexd gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de way Rube Hoffenstein, mine broder in Detroit, sells his cloding und udder dings."

A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a suitable pair of cheap shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced smiling, and inquired--

"Vat is it you vish?"

"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro.

"Blenty uf dem, my frient, blenty; at any brice you vant."

The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans; and soon his pedal extremities were encased in them, and a bargain struck. As he was about to leave, the proprietor called him back.

"I ain't gwine to buy nuffin' else. I'se got all I want," said the negro sullenly.

"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but I shust vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian wool, und dis dime last year you doan got dot same goat for twenty-five dollars. Mine gracious! cloding vas gone down to noding, and der vas no money in de pisness any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de vedder, und make you feel varm as summer-dime. De gonsumption vas going round, und de doctors dell me it vas de vedder. More den nine beobles died round vere I lif last week. Dink of dot! Mine frient, dot goat vas Russian vool, dick und hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns der pank on Canal Streed, took dot goat home mit him yesterday, und vore it all day; but it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders, und he brought it pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear sir. Ah! dot vas all righd. Misder Jones vas a rich man und he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets vas! but it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders."

The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the pockets and felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over his face when his touch disclosed to his mind the contents of the pockets, but he choked down his joy and inquired--

"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?"

"Vy, Misder Jones, vot owns de pank on Canal Streed.

"What yer gwine to ax for it?"

"Dwenty dollars."

"Dat's pow'ful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it."