Part 4

Und pooty soon dot race vas end, Dot dog vas lost his tail-- Dot lobster I vas took him home, Und cook him in dot pail.

Dot moral vas, I tole you 'boud, Pefore vas neffer known-- Don't vant to find out too much dings Dot vasn't ov your own!

SAUL SERTREW.

"DER WRECK OF DER HEZBERUS."

(_Before Longfellow._)

It vas der goot shkiff Hezberus, Dot paddled cross der pond; Und dare vas dare der skibber's gal, Of whom he vas so fond.

Green vos her eyes as summer peas, Her cheeks I can't define, Her boozum brown like pretzel cakes, Her voice a vereful whine.

Mit pibe in mouth der skibber sat, Wrabbed in an old pea koad, Und vatched his daughter koff and shneeze Ven schmoke got down hur throad.

Den up und spoke der paddle man, "Look 'ere, let's turn ride back, A schwan lives 'ere, der peebles say, Vat likes to peck und hack.

So let's turn back, mein master dear, Und from this voyage refrain," Der skibber blew schmoke oud his pibe, Und schmiled mit grim dishdain.

Den near und near der shkiff did got To vare dot schwan hung out; Until at last, mit telesgope, Dey shpied his head und snowt.

Vel, down it schwam und schmote der shkiff Mit all its might und main, Und made it shump dree times its length, Und den shump back again.

"Come 'ere, come 'ere! mein leedle gal, Und do not dremble so, For I can lick der biggest schwan Dot you to me can show."

He wrabbed her in his old pea koad,-- His joy, his life, his soul; Und mit a piece of paper twine He lashed her to a pole.

"Oh, dad, I hear der dinner bell! I feel shust like grub-struck." "Vel, hold yer tongue now, Mary Ann, Und dry to bear your luck."

"Oh, dad, I see dot schwan again! He'll eat both you und me;" But dad he answered not a vord, For stiff und frized vas he.

Den der goot girl she glasped her hands, Und through her frost-bit nose She said, "Now I avake to sleep," Dot she might not be froze.

Und dare, through rain and hurrycane, Und through der schleet und schnow, Der maiden prayed und begged der schwan To pick up stakes und go.

But no; he schwam up to der wreck, Und den der fun began; He knocked der fellers off der deck, But left shweed Mary Ann.

He picked und pecked der Hezberus, Und lashed de pond to foam, Und made de poor, wee, leedle shkiff Look shust like honeycomb.

Den by der board der long bean-pole Und Mary Ann did go; Und shust like lead der shkiff went down. Der schwan he roared, Ho! ho!

* * * * *

At break of day, beside der pond, Poor Mary Ann vas found; Her form vas cold un frozen stiff, Und to a bean-pole bound.

SIGNS AND OMENS.

"Hans, what do you think of signs and omens?"

"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I don't pelieve averydings; but I dells you somedimes dere is someding in sooch dings ash dose dings. Now, de oder night I sits und reads mine newspaper, und mine frau she shpeak und say,--

"'Fritz, de dog ish howlin'.'

"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I goes on und reads mine paper, und mine frau she say,--

"'Fritz, dere is somedings pad is happen--de dog ish howlin'.'

"And den I gets oop mit mineself, and looks out troo de vines on de porch; und de moon vas shinin', und mine leedle dog he shoomp right up und down like averydings, and he park at the moon dat was shine so prite ash never vas. Und as I hauled mine het in de winter de old voman she say,--

"'Mind, Fritz, I dells you dere ish somedings pad ish happen. _De dog ish howlin._'

"Vell, I goes to pet, und I shleeps: und all night long, ven I vakes up, dere vas dat dog howl outside; und ven I dream, I hear dat howlin' vorser ash nefer. Und in de mornin' I kits oop und kits mine _freestick_ (breakfast),--und mine frau she look at me, und say fery solemn;

"'Fritz, dere ish somedings ish happen. De dog vas howl all night.'

"Und shoost den de newspaper comes in, and I opens him; und, by shings! vot you dinks? _Dere vas a man died in Philadelphia!_"

A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER.

Bill Jones was going to get married a day or two ago, and he forgot whar de minister libed; so he started to find him out, so as to hab him come to de house an' perform de marriage ceremony. So, arter getting along down de road for two or free miles, he became fearful ob gettin' on de wrong track. So he says to a big Dutchman "I say, can you tell me where Mr. Swackelhammer, de preacher, lives?" and de Dutchman said, "Yaw. You just valk de road up to de creek, an' down de pritch over up shtreme, den you just go on till you cum to a road what vinds de woots around a schoolhouse; but you don't take dat road. Vell, den you go on till you meet a pig-pen shingled mit straw, den you durn de road round de field, and go on till you come to pig red house. Den you turn dat house around de barn, and see a road dat goes up in de woots. Den you don't take dat road too. Den you go straight on, and de fust house you meet is a hay-stack, and de next is a barrack. Vell, he don't live dere. Den you will get a little furder, and you see a house on top de hill, about a mile; and you go in dere an' ax de old voman, an' she will tell you bedder as I can."

THE VAY RUBE HOFFENSTEIN SELLS.

"Herman," said a Poydras street merchant clothier, addressing his clerk, "haf ye sold all of dose overgoats vat vas left over from last vinter?"

"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet."

"Vell, ye must sell 'em right avay, as de vinter vill not last, you know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats and I vill show you somedings about de pisness. I vill dell you how ve vill sell dem out, und you must learn de pisness, Herman; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav had dose goats in de store more as seex years."

An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, and smoothing it out, he took a buckskin money purse from the showcase, and, stuffing it full of paper, dropped it into one of the pockets.

"How, Herman, my poy," he continued," vatch me sell dat coat. I haf sold over dirty-fife uf dem shust de same vay, und I vant to deech you de pisness. Ven de next gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de vay Rube Hoffenstein, my broder in Detroit, sells his cloding and udder dings."

A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a pair of suitable cheap shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced smiling, and inquired:

"Vat is it you vish?"

"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro.

"Blenty of dem, my frent, blenty; at any price you vant."

The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans, and soon his pedal extremities were encased in them, and a bargain struck. As he was about to leave, the proprietor called him back.

"I ain't gwine ter buy nuffin else. I'se got all I want," said the negro, sullenly.

"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but I shust vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian vool, und dis dime last year you doan got dot same goat for dwenty-five dollars. Mine gracious, clothing vos gone down to noding, and dere vas no money in de pisness any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de vedder, und make you feel varm as summer dime. De gonsumption vas goin round, und de doctors dell me it vas the vedder. More dan nine beoples died roun vere I lif last veek. Dink of dot. Mine frent, dot goat vas Russian vool, dick and hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns de pank on Canal streed, took that goat home mit him yesterday, and vore it all day, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders, und he brought it pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear sir. Ah! dot vas all right. Mister Jones vas a rich man, and he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets vas, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders."

The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the pockets, and felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over his face when his touch disclosed to his mind the contents of the pockets, but he choked down his joy and inquired:

"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?"

"Vy, Mister Jones vot owns de bank on Canal streed."

"What yer gwine to ax fur it?"

"Dwenty dollars."

"Dat's powerful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it."

"Herman, here, wrap up dis goat fur the schentleman, and throw in a cravat; it will make him look nice mit de ladies."

"Nebber mind, I'll keep the coat on," replied the negro, and pulling out a roll of money, he paid for it and left the store.

While he was around the next corner moaning over the stuffed purse, Hoffenstein said to his clerk:

"Herman, fix up anudder von of dose goats de same vay, and doan forget to dell dem dot Mister Jones vot runs de pank on Canal streed vore it yesterday."

A DUTCH RECRUITING OFFICER.

The reader must picture a stout, big-bellied, short-haired recruiting-officer, with a blue cap, broad, stiff frontispiece, a short sword, blue uniform a size too small, and a raw customer from "Faderland," with wooden shoes and a long-tailed gray coat. The officer was after recruits for a German regiment, and thus went for his susceptible countryman:--

"Lo, dere, Hans! Be dat you?"

"Yaw."

"Come me to be a sojer man."

"Nein!"

"Yaw, come. It be so nice!"

"Nein! I gets shoots."

"Nix. Py tam! it is better as good. It been foon all de vile. You enlists mit me, you gets nine hundred dollars bountish."

"So?"

"Yaw. And you gets such nice clothes as never vas. Shust look at me."

"So?"

"Yaw. And in the morning, ven de trum peets, dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come an' git your schnapps mit him."

"So?"

"Yaw. And purty soon, bime by, de trum peets again, and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come eat some sourkrout un sausage mit him, py dam!"

"So, mynheer?"

"Yaw, it ish so. Den purty soon, bime by, de trum peets, an' dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to ride mit him in der carriage to see your vrou or your Katrina. And den you rides mit him all over de city mit him, and no costs you one tam cent. And bime by de trum peets, and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and schmoke a bipe mit him! And den bime by, purty soon, right away, de trum peets de tuyful, and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and get you nine hundred tollars bountish, I tinks, but guess not, py tam!"

"Yaw! So goot?"

"Yaw! And den de General and Bresident shake hands mit you, and you eat krout mit de Bresident's vrou, and shust live like one fighting rooster, by tam! And den in a little wile you say der Bresident be one nice man, and you gets another hundred tollars bountish; and de Bresident makes one grand general mit you, purty soon I guess, but I tink not. You go mit me?"

"Yaw!"

DOT BABY OFF MINE.

Mine cracious! mine cracious! shust look here und see A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe! Der beoples all dink dot no prains I haf got; Vas grazy mit trinking, or someding like dot: Id vasn't pecause I trinks lager und vine; Id vas all on aggount off dot baby off mine.

Dot schmall leedle vellow I dells you vas qveer; Not mooch pigger roundt as a goot glass of peer; Mit a bare-footed hed, und nose but a schpeck; A mout dot goes most to der pack off his neck; Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all combine To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mine.

I dells you dot baby vas von off der poys, Und beats leedle Yawcob for making a noise. He shust has pecun to shbeak goot English too; Says "Mamma" und "Papa," und somedimes "Ah, goo!" You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off nine Dot vas qvite so schmart as dot baby off mine.

He grawls der vloor ofer, und drows dings aboudt, Und poots eferyding he can find in his mout; He dumbles der shtairs down, und falls vrom his chair, Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible sckare. Mine hair shtands like shquills on a mat borcubine Ven I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby off mine.

Dere vas someding, you pet, I don'd likes pooty vell,-- To hear in der nighdt dimes dot young Deutscher yell, Und dravel der ped-room midout many clo'es, Vhile der chills down der shpine off mine pack quickly goes: Dose leedle shimnasdic dricks vasn't so fine Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off mine.

Vell, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe men, Und all of dese droubles vill peen ofer den: Dey vill vear a vhite shirt-vront inshtead off a bib, Und vouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in deir crib. Vell, vell, ven I'm feeble, und in life's decline, May mine oldt age pe cheered py dot baby off mine!

DOT LEETLE TOG UNDER DER VAGON.

"Coom, vife," says goot oldt farmer Gray, "Git on your tings: dot's markets-tay. Ve'll go so quick vot ve can to town, Und pack again 'fore dot sun coomes down. _Shpot!_ No: ve'll leave oldt Shpot behint." But Shpot he parked, und Shpot he vhined, Und soon made out his toggish mind To shteal avay under dot vagon.

Avay dey vent at a merry pace; But some sad coomes into dot farmer's face; Und he said, "Poor Shpot! he did vant to come, But maype dot's petter he's leaved at home. He'll vatch de parn, und he'll vatch de cot, Und keep dose cattles out of de lot." "I'm not so sure of dot," growled Shpot, On a dog-trot under dot vagon.

So soon as all dose tings vas sold, Und he gits his pay in silber und gold, He shtarted home, a quarter past dark, Across a lonesomely forest. _Hark!_ A robber shumps from pehind a tree: "Your money or your life!" says he. It's a cross-eyed moon, so he don't can see Dot leetle tog under de vagon.

Den Shpot parked vonce, und vonce he vhined, Und he grapped dot tief py de pants pehind; He dragged him down in de mud und dirt; He teared his coat, likevise his shirt; Und dot tief in de mud got nearly drowned, Und he don't could rise pooty kvick off de ground; So his lecks und arms de farmer bound, Und histed him into dot vagon.

So Shpot he safed de farmer's life, Also his money, likevise his vife; Und now a hero grand und gay, A silber necktie he vears to-day. He goes verefer his master goes; Und you bet he holds pooty high his nose, Mit lots of frients, und not any foes,-- Dot leetle tog under de vagon.

SCHNITZERL'S VELOCIPEDE.

Hans Schnitzerl made a velocipede, Vone of dot newest kind; It didn't hafe no vheel before, Und der vasn't none pehind.

Aber dere vas vone in de middle, dhough, Dat's shust as sure as eggs; Und he shtraddled across dot axle, Mit de vheel between his legs.

Und vhen he vants to shtart it off, He paddled mit his feet, Und soon he made it gone so fast Dat eferytings he beat.

He took it out on Broadway vonce, Und shkeeted like de vind. Phew! how he passed dot fancy schaps! He leafed dem all pehind.

Dem fellers on dose shtylish nags Pulled up to see him pass; Und der Deutschers, all ockstonished, cried, "Potz tauzand! Vas ist das?"

But faster shtill Herr Schnitzerl flew,-- On, mit a ghastly schmile: He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks, Not vonce in half a mile.

So vas it mit Herr Schnitzerl Und his velocipede: His feet both shlipped right inside out Vhen at its extra shpeed.

He falled upon dot vheel, of course: Dot vheel like blitzen flew; Und Schnitzerl, he vas schnicht in vacht, Dot schliced him grode in two.

_Hans Breitmann._

THE LATEST BARBARIE FRIETCHIE.

Id was droo der sdreeds of Fredericksdown; Der red-hot zun he vas shine him down.

Bast der zaloons all filt mit bier, Der rebel vellers valked on deir ear.

All day droo Fredericksdown so fast, Horses, und guns, und sozers bast.

Der rebel flags he shone him out so bridt, As if, by Jinks! he got some ridt.

Vere vas der Onion flag? Der zun He look him down not on a vun.

Up jumped dot olt Miss Frietchie den, Zo oldt by ninescore years and ten.

She grabbed up der old flag der men haul down, And fasen'd id quick by her nidtgown.

Den she sot by der vindow ver all could see, Dere vas none vot lofe dot flag so free.

Purty soon come ridin' up Stonewall Jack, Sittin' from der mittle of his horse's back.

Under him brow he squint him's eyes. Dot flag! Dot make him great surprise.

Halt! each feller, make him sdill! Fire! vas echoed from hill do hill.

Id busted der sdrings from dot nidtgown, But Barbarie Frietchie, she vas around.

She grabbed the flag again so guick, Und oud of the vindow her arms did sdick.

"Obuse if you would dis olt bald head, But leave alone dot flag!" she said.

Zo soon, so guick as Jack could do, He holler him oud mit a face so blue:

"Who bulls a hair oud of dat bald head Dies awful guick. Go aheat!" he said.

Und all dot day, und all dot nite, Till efery rebel vas oud of site,

Und leave behind him dot Fredericksdown, Dot flag he vas sthicken by dot nidtgown.

Dame Barbarie Frietchie's vork is done, She don't forever get some fun.

Bully for her! und drop a tear For dot old vomans midout some fear.

MR. HOFFENSTEIN'S BUGLE.

"Mr. Hoffenstein," said Herman, as he folded up a pair of pants, and placed them on a pile, "if you don't haf any objections, I vould like to get from de store avay von efening, und go mit de soldiers to de Spanish Fort."

"Vell, Herman, I dinks you had better keep avay from de soldiers," replied Hoffenstein, "und stay mit de store, because, you know, you don't can put any confidence mit de soldiers--I vill tell you vhy. Von day, vile I vas in Vicksburg during de var, a cock-eyed soldier came in my store mit an old bugle in his hand, und he looks around. I asks him vat he vants, und he buys a couple of undershirts; den he tells me to keep his bundle and his bugle behind de counter until he comes back. After de cock-eyed soldier vent de store out, some more soldiers come in und valk all around, vile dey look at de goods. 'Shentlemens,' I says, 'do you vant anydings?'--'Ve are shust looking to see vat you haf,' said one of dem; und after avile anodder says, 'Bill, shust look dere at de bugle! de very ding de captain told us to get. You know ve don't haf any bugle in de company for dree months.--How much you ask for dot bugle?' I dells dem dot I don't can sell de bugle, because it belongs to a man vat shust vent oud. 'I vill gif you fifty dollars for it,' says de soldier, pulling his money oud. I dells him I don't can sell it, because it vasn't mine. 'I vill gif you one hundred dollars,' he said. Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, I vants to sell de bugle so bad dot I vistles. De soldiers dells me, vile dey vas leaving de store, dot if I buy de bugle from de man vot owns it, dey vill gif me one hundred und dwendy-five dollars for it. I dells dem I vill do it. I sees a chance, you know, Herman, to make some money py the oberation. Ven de cock-eyed soldier comes back he says, 'Gif me my bundle und bugle; I got to go to de camp.' I says, 'Mine frent, don't you vant to sell your bugle?' He dells me no, und I says, 'My little boy, Leopold, vot plays in de store, sees de bugle, und he goes all around crying shust so loud as he can, because he don't get it. Six times I takes him in de yard und vips him, und he comes right back und cries for de bugle. It shows, you know, how much drouble a man vill haf mit a family. I vill gif you den dollars for it, shust to please little Leopold.' De soldier von't dake it; und at last I offer him fifty dollars, und he says, 'Vell, I vill dake fifty dollars, because I can't vaste any more time: I haf to go to de camp.' Afder he goes avay, I goes to de door, und vatches for de soldiers vat vanted de bugle. I sees dem passing along de street, und I says, 'My frents, I haf got de bugle;' und dey say, 'Vell, hang it! vy don't you blow it?' Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, vat you dink? All dem soldiers belong to de same crowd, und dey make de trick to swindle me. Levi Cohen, across de street, he finds it out, und efery day he gets boys to blow horns in front of mine store, so as to make me dink how I vas swindled. Herman, I dink you had better stay mit de store."

FRITZ AND HIS BETSY FALL OUT.

Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful. My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful. Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw; To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a mudder-in-law. Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell, But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell; I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay, Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay.

Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der shelf,-- Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas, yourself,-- Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den, Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines den Vere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop--righdt oop against der vall; Bud der lions don'd vas shkared--dey didn't do none notting at all." Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled; Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled."

She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant. I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent; Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace, "I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace." "Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und lif mit you, Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n I do!"

Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit me? He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay vere I be.' She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife me a douse; Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house; Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead. Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und bedshtead.

Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it. I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it. She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off; I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off. Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on, Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on. She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov my back.

I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees--vor dree veeks--I didn't comb back. I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored, Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life enshoored. Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir, Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink ov her.

Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning vay; Bud now a shange vas tooken blace--I get shtruck in a deafferent vay. Dot time veil ve got married, she vas a lass een shkool, Und I vas youst aboudt the same--alas! I vas a vool.

She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet her, I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly creetur; Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce; Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose.