Part 7

The dinner tew be got up was quite ordnary, and Mrs. Billings, willing tew levy but a light tax upon the almost omniscient cook genius ov the accomplished Mary, suggested for sass, that most simple az well az most agreeable ov aul wheaten kompounds, known amung fluent housewifes, az a "minnit puddin."

"Ah, mum, it will plaze yee's to see me be after makin the puddin."

The mistick hour iz clus at hand, when the platter iz tew smoke in the senter ov the snowy damask; a gentle tap iz herd at the parler door; the glistening Mary relates the vicktory ov meat and vegatables below, and with a plezant pride nestling in her ize, in virgin innocense, asks:

"_Now mum, pleze, whare dew yu keep yure minits?_"

P.S.--Comment seems tew be almoste unnecessary--but perhaps it will be safe tew add, that, if "ignorance iz bliss," Irish cooks must be the verry broth ov happiness.

LI.

MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER.

MILK.

I want tew say sumthing, ("_in petto_.")

I want tew say sumthing, ("_entre nous_,") in reference to milk az a ferterlizer.

Milk is spontaneous, ("_semper paratus_,") and haz did more tew encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("_en passant_") than enny other liquid.

Milk iz lakteal, ("_bizarre_;") it iz also aquatick, while under the patronage ov milk venders, ("_errare humanum est_.")

Milk iz also misterious, ("_Le mot d'énigme_,") cokernut milk haz never bin solved yet.

Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("_comme il faut_.")

Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur.

So iz milk and rum ("_Bonne bouche_") mellow tew contend with in a hot day, ("_multum in parvo_") ("_id est_," "_multum_" rum, "_in parvo_" milk.)

Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("_statu quo_,") a skum arizes tew the surface, ("_passim_,") which iz apt tew skare folks who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("_non sequitur_,") that the milk iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the kuntry, ("_magnus Apollo_.")

Cream iz the parent ("_pater familias_") ov butter, and butter iz 45 cents a pound, ("_ora pro nobis_.")

The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("_sans doute_") iz skim milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("_inter nos_,") this iz considered sharp praktiss, ("_coup de main_.")

Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge milk, ("_lusus naturæ_.")

I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("_ultima Thule_,") that cow milk, if it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("_Quod avertat Deus_.")

WHISKEE.

Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge.

It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker.

Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew Whiskee or old Rie.

Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up.

They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow--still i hain't never figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.

A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when he made this last statement.)

In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.

But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by constant vaccination. * * * *

BEER.

I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that _lager beer_ iz not intoxikatin.

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.

Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.

I never had so much experience, in so short a time.

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it cum, and that ain't aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his bile want plumb.

I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.

I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.

LII.

PLUCK.

Pluck, tew be ov mutch value, wants tew be instant.

I hav seen plenty ov men who was anxious tew fite an elephant--six miles oph.

How menny ov us hav had our pluck cum tew us next day, and then it want ov enny more use tew us than an epitaff iz tew a ded man.

Pluck iz a normal virtue, and may be made a shining one, az it iz only the tuff substances that will take, and hold a good polish.

I hav seen men who was aul pluck, and nothing else; they are like chestnutt burs, alwus reddy, but only fit for one thing, and that iz not to touch.

Thare iz a pluck that dares tew do nothing but what iz right, and always dares tew do that; this iz pluck built upon reason, and iz virtue enuff for enny one man.

LIII.

FREE LOVE.

I beleaf in free fights, espeshila amung cats and doggs.

I beleaf in free rides--on a gate.

I beleaf in freedum for evry slave on arth.

But _free love_ iz one ov them kinds ov fredum, that it don't do tew be limber with.

If this world was the gardin ov Edin, and full ov Adam and Eve, az they was when they was fust launched, then i kan imagine it might do for sum other Adam to hold mi Eve on his lap, and talk about his affinitee, and spiritoal essence, and play lamb.

In them daze, thare want no humin natur, it was all God natur.

Humin natur has bin soaked so mutch sinse, it has got tew weak tew be trusted in a lot whare the feed iz poor, nex tew a meddo, without mutch fence between nor enny poke on.

_Free love_ wants more poke than enny other animal.

I don't believe in total depravity--unless a man has a good chance.

_Free love_ iz a good deal like drinking 6 shilling gin for a bevridge. Bevridge iz a Chinese word, and means cussidness.

Aul the _free love_ i hav witnessed thus far, has existed between a villainous letcher on one side, and lunatick virtue on the other side, that had bin deoderized out ov its truth, and had lost aul ov its modesty, and shame, in hunting after a condishun, whare sin ceazed tew be a crime.

The fust free lover we hav enny akount ov, was the devil.

LIV.

FAST MEN.

I hav alwus loved "Fast men;" not those who are _fast_ in their morals, but the sudden kind, those who think fast, and ackt fast.

I never knu a verry slow Amerikan who amounted tew ennything.

Put a man onto an island, (like Nova Scosha,) and he will learn how tew be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while he will just straighten the chain, that's all.

But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a good gait.

Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards.

Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make most ov the good hits that are made.

It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto sumboddy's picket fence.

Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city.

I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt, driven bi steam?

Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for at 40 miles the _rock_ may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz sartin tew be.

I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a basswood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him.

"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast.

LV.

JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS.

"_Benvolio._"--In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating," from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the 16th sentry.

The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without cuming tew a head.

He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a disposition tew head out.

In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in his life, begins tew git his head abuv water.

His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the distrikt skoolhous.

Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and enters the water, head fust, without opening the door.

Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be 21, and then his life iz more ramified.

Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an oyster.

I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took the NEW YORK WEEKLY.

I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's.

Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't pay for eating.

A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired.

The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on, over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over warts.

This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up solid.'

P.S.--I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense.

LVI.

HUMAN HAPPINESS.

Human happyness being a subject that interests most persons, and having never bin writ upon bi enny boddy else, i thought i would write upon it immediately.

But fu ever git tew be happy, for the reazon they try so hard.

_Comfort_ in this world is about awl that mortals kan expect; _happyness_ has bin reserved, bi an all wise Providence, for futur use.

Those who are the most happy appear tew kno it the least; in fact, happyness seems tew consist in not knowing it.

The best way i kno ov tew be happy is not tew want enny thing till yu hav got it, and then be saving of it.

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.

The most happy individual i ever knu had no under garment, and he probably would have remained happy, until his back had wore out, if the Femail Billingsville sowing society had not furnished him a cotton seclusion for hiz body, and got him riled up, bekauze the collar tew the seclusion want starched stiff enuff.

It iz a verry dangerous peace ov bizzness tew interfere with enny man's private plans, for hiz own partiklar happyness, (or partiklar misery,) upon the same principle, that it iz a verry dangerous enterprise to pull a thorn out ov a mule's hind leg, and dodge the kick.

Awl human hapness iz conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.

A verry large share ov our happiness iz derived from anticipation; i kan rekoleckt now ov having tremenjus fun, years ago, in the western wilderness, hunting bees, and also hav a lively reminiscence ov gitting awfully stung, when i found the bees.

Upon the whole, after weighing the matter camly, i hav cum tew the sanguine konklusion, that the hight ov human happyness in this life, consists in being unhappy, and not kno it.

LVII.

PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE,

AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH.

I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing.

If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a horse and carriage.

If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,) but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious.

If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you go, the more safely you may lay yure claims--you had just az menny relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show.

Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire.

Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a yard."

If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil; suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about the capasity and integrity of yure opponent--if beaten, praze the right ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az you are a mind to.

If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a yesterday's nuzpaper.

If invited tew dinner--hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin, "that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver."

Make az menny frends as you kan--never, but as a last resort, use one.

Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure tears would seek in vain for their pity.

Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav but little to do with it.

Never argu, and never be convinced.

But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure poverty.

Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz tung.

When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew glanders.

If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your sunshine. If you are rich, ask him tew stand in it.

Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you kan git az well az he.

Talk familiarly ov wealth--deceave every one but yourself.

Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it, and knose its impulses.

N.B.--This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am.

LVIII.

AMERIKANS.

Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either.

So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with cayenne.

An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willin tew wait till next day before he tastes it.

If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.

An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and haw-haws on a canter.

I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.

We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it.

The English are better punsters, but i konsider punning a sort ov literary prostitushun in which futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the plezzure ov the moment.

Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that writes expeckts tew be wize or witty--so duz evrybody expect tew be saved when they die; but thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter will be in the majority, just az the sheep are here.

Don't forget _one_ thing, yu hav got tew be wize before yu kan be witty; and don't forget _two_ things, a single paragraff haz made sum men immortal, while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew others--but what would Amerikans dew if it want for their sensashuns?

Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for us az a people, and it don't make mutch matter what it iz--a huge defalkashun--a red elephant--or Jersee clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing better offers.

Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and sum ov them fret about it, and spred their feathers in distress for us, az a fond and foolish old hen, who haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will stand on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in agony to see her brood pitch in and take a sail. _She_ kant understand it, but the _Ducks_ know awl about it.

N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know all about it.

N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes no difference who hatches out an Amerikan, the fust thing he will do, iz to pitch into sumthin.

N.B.--No more bets at present.

LIX.

JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS.

_Iowa._--Don't press the matter tew mutch. The only way to heal a gal ov the "wonts," is tew git her wonted, and then stampede things briskly.

_Sharpley._--The best cure i knu ov fur tite boots is small feet.

_Wisconsin._--Yu ask me "how fur the Hudson River runs up?" i hasten tew state that the Hudson River don't run up at all.

_Jerry._--Yu are sound on this espeshall goose, when yu say "that yu have diskovered poker tew be an unsertin game;" but, Jerry, let me tell yu how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus beat 4 aces and a king; it will dew it in any kind ov a game.

_Albany._--i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance rate is; perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his polisy having about run out.

_Ezra._--Noboddy but a phool would try tew hold a bull bi the tail; and yet Ezra, mi dear unknown frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a holt on evrything.

_Mike._--It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be good, should be very long or very loud, i hav used one like this fur the last 4 years, and it suits me: "O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next, and mi pocket-book last."

_Mason._--"Man wants but little here belo" may hav bin true when it wos fust ritten, but ever since the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws on.

_Byron._--I read yure poem carefully. it won't anser. it is tew mutch longer than it is wide. Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very apt tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy, sumtime during their lives, has the poetry ailment, jist as they hav the teeth cut, but one teeth cutting satisfies evryboddy but the phools.

_Dunkirk._--Yu tell me "that yu hav konkluded tew lead an arkadian life;" the arkadians are a clever sett ov phellers in the lump; i lived with them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the habit ov dipping their bread into the pork grease, tew save butter, and then i quit the arkadians.

_Abigall._--Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the present stile is about the size ov a kold bukwheat kake; feathers are not so much worn this spring, on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters in the kuntry.

_Lizzy._--The gentleman yu inquire about is a bachelor in full communion bi profession; his habits fur honesta is good; he pays cash for his whiskey and billyards.

_Farmer._--i kant tell yu how much oats it is best tew plant on an aker, but i think, at a ruff guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate plenty. i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if mi memory serves me right, (and i never caught her in a lie,) rye must be a good krop tew raise, for old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a gallond.

_Pelham._--No notice will be took, (from this date hereafterwards) ov letters that hain't got a postage-stamp onto them.

Don't write only on one side ov the manuscript, and don't write mutch onto that.

Don't send a manuscript, unless yu kan read it yureself, after it gits dry.

We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew one dollar for contribushuns, ackording tew heft.

Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the next ensuing year.

Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited.

The highest market price paid for awful railrode smashes, and elopements with another man's wife.

No swareing aloud in our paper.