Part 9

Pisces are the only two fishes we hav enny account ov who hav bin able tew swim on land and not tutch bottom. It iz now over 4000 years since they cum ashore and took lodgings in the zodiak. It haz alwus been a fish-bone ov kontenshun amung the natral philosophers whether they belong tew the kodfish, or the sucker family. I hav bin asked mi opinyun on this topick a 100 thousand times, but hav alwus maintained grate solemnity on the subjekt. It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker.

_EPITAFF._

Here she lize--the queen ov pize, Aunt Sally Ann Von Blixen, Apple, and mince, kustard, and quince, She couldn't be beat in mixen.

* * * * *

Sakred this spot--stir her up not-- Her grace all lay in pi fixen, Better sa i--go without pi, Than wake up this old vixen.

31 Days.

JULY.

1873.

Q.--What breed ov hens set the best? @ @

A.--Thoze without leggs. @ @ @

_For 50 miles round about, When Joel cum along, The wimmin all tur ned out, For swopping mity strong._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KORN BREAD._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ Kod fish | When a man gits tew talking | | 2| W || balls invented | about himself he seldum fails | | 3| T || 1620 @ @ @ | tew be eloquent, and frequently | | 4| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | reaches the sublime. | | 5| S || heat_ @ @ @ | | | 6| G || Elizibeth Spooner | * * * * * | | 7| M || born | | | 8| T || 1365 @ @ @ | | | 9| W || @ @ _warm showers_ | The owl iz remarkable for two | |10| T || Elizibeth Spooner | things, gravity and stupidity. | |11| F || had the | | |12| S || meazles @ @ | * * * * * | |13| G || @ _warm but hot_ @ | | |14| M || Elizibeth Spooner | | |15| T || had the | Integrity in youth iz almost | |16| W || meazles | certain tew bekum wisdum and | |17| T || very thick @ | honor in old age. | |18| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | | |19| S || thunder_ @ @ | * * * * * | |20| G || @ @ @ now | | |21| M || wean goslins @ @ | | |22| T || @ @ _it rains_ @ | When a man iz thoroly lazy he | |23| W || Old dog Tray | iz good for nothing, only to shoot | |24| T || died 1492 @ @ | at. | |25| F || @ _expekt litening_ | | |26| S || now butcher | * * * * * | |27| G || watermellons @ @ | | |28| M || @ _intense hot_ @ | | |29| T || @ Daniel Webster | Most people prefer the stuffing | |30| W || studdid law @ @ | to the goose,--the word for the | |31| T || | idee. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_AUGUST MISSCELLANY._

AQUARIUS, THE ZODIAK WATERMAN.

Aquarius duz the sprinkling pot bizzness for the zodiak. He kan be seen enny klear day up in the zodiak laying the dust which the other zodiakers kik up. He iz a quiet old gent about 5 foot 6, and wears a wool hat, and a bull's eye watch. Who hiz ansestors waz no one kan tell. He iz an old bachelor now, but they tell me, up in the zodiak, that he alwus takes the most pains when he sprinkles in front ov Virgo. Thare iz a tradishun in Pordunk, that Aquarius was once a tempranse lekturer, but gitting too thin for the bizzness waz translated, and sot to sprinkling in the zodiak. Aquarius haz charge ov the leggs amung the sighns in the zodiak, and i notis that water iz better for the legs than sum other fluids i know.

_EDUKASHIONAL._

CLASS IN BOTANY STAND UP.

_Teacher._ What kind ov a bird iz a Heron?

_Skoller._ A herring iz a small fish, az full ov bones az a fine tooth comb.

_Teacher._ To what genus duz the Kat belong?

_Skoller._ The musikal genius, they _lay_ around daze, and chant around nites.

_Teacher._ Which iz the wizest fowl?

_Skoller._ The owl sir, bekause he hoots at most things.

_Teacher._ What kind ov fish are plentyest in market during dog days?

_Skoller._ Smelts sir.

_Teacher._ Class in botany may set down.

31 Days.

AUGUST.

1873.

Q.--How menny geese duz it take to make a flok? @ @

A.--One would satisfy me. @ @ @

_Sheep skins, goose yokes, and frying pans, Basswood cheeze from Goshen, Bob sleds, brass rings, and bears ile, Waz sum ov Joels noshuns._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _MILK TOAST._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Now pluck | | | 2| S || peaches @ | Suckcess iz quite often like | | 3| G || @ _grate hotness_ @ | falling oph from a log, a man kant | | 4| M || Andy Johnson born | alwus tell how he kum to did it. | | 5| T || 1812 @ | | | 6| W || @ _hot grows_ @ | * * * * * | | 7| T || Andy waz a man | | | 8| F || ov much | | | 9| S || policy @ @ | Most enny boddy thinks they | |10| G || _thunder and blixen_ | kan be a good phool, and they | |11| M || @ now bull frogs | kan, but to play the phool | |12| T || rejoice @ _wind | successfully, aint so natral. | |13| W || south_ @ @ | | |14| T || @ @ _hot grows | | |15| F || bigger_ @ | * * * * * | |16| S || Julia Pragg born | | |17| G || @ 1830 @ | | |18| M || @ _wind shifty_ | I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt | |19| T || Julia waz a laundress | a man's sektarian views enny | |20| W || @ @ _hot | quicker than i would tell him | |21| T || wind_ | which road tew take at a 4 corners, | |22| F || @ now the duk | when i didn't kno miself | |23| S || quaketh @ @ | which waz the right one. | |24| G || @ _much hotly_ @ | | |25| M || @ behold the | | |26| T || @ grasshopper @ | * * * * * | |27| W || @ _sum lightning_ | | |28| T || @ love | | |29| F || lies | The truly great are alwus the | |30| S || bleeding @ @ | eazyest tew approach. | |31| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY._

SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN.

Sagittarius iz the William Tell ov the zodiak. He kan hit an apple on the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a muskeeter once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot. Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil gru out about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun fashion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for what I dont seem tew kno.

_FOR IMMEJIATE ADOPSHUN._

A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut, lite sunset hair, without spot or blemish, no parents ov enny ackount, hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had wackshination.

Enquire within.

I never question a suckcess enny more than I do the right ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.=

no I dont, Josh Billings.=

The diffrence between a mistake, and a blunder.

When a man sets down a poor umbreller, and takes up a good one, he makes a _mistake_, but when he sets down a good umbreller, and takes up a poor one, he makes a _blunder_.=

Excuse haste. Josh Billings

30 Days.

SEPTEMBER.

1873.

Q.--When duz a fly git badly stuck? @ @

A.--When he fools with mollassis. @ @

_When puter knives went oph slo, Joel waz a kunning kuss, He could just turn to and swop An old hoss dredful cluss._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _STEWED PRUNES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || * It iz fall | | | 2| T || @ @ _warm but_ | After a man haz got a fust rate | | 3| W || _tender_ | opinyun ov himself the next best | | 4| T || @ now the leaves | thing tew hav iz the good opinyun | | 5| F || fall | ov others. | | 6| S || @ _butiful weather_ | | | 7| G || | * * * * * | | 8| M || @ Sam Jones | | | 9| T || born 1900 @ @ | | |10| W || @ @ _mild but_ | Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she | |11| T || _lovely_ | puts our humps on our backs so | |12| F || @ Sam Jones | that we kant see them. | |13| S || was a | | |14| G || clam hunter @ @ | * * * * * | |15| M || @ @ _warm rains_ | | |16| T || @ now the | | |17| W || hog | Wise men hav but fu confidents, | |18| T || rooteth @ | and cunning men, none. | |19| F || @ _smoky weather_ @ | | |20| S || now the | * * * * * | |21| G || Jackass warbleth @ | | |22| M || @ @ _sighns ov_ | I think i am about right when i | |23| T || _frost_ | say, that all things which do not | |24| W || @ @ now | korrupt are innocent. | |25| T || the hen clucketh @ | | |26| F || @ @ _it wants tew_ | * * * * * | |27| S || _rain_ | | |28| G || Galen was | | |29| M || a | Be yee humble before God,--but | |30| T || doktor. @ @ @ | resolute before men. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_OCTOBER MISSCELLANY._

LIBRA, THE ZODIAK SKALES.

Sixteen ounces to the pound wrongs no man. I dont want enny better evidence that things are strikly on the square in the zodiak than the fakt, that they keep a pair ov skales up thare, and they are alwus level. Thare iz a grate deal ov native honesty in a pair of skales. When i begun life, i looked upon every boddy az honest az a pair ov skales, but the skales hav dropt oph from my eyes since, and i begin tew look upon things more az they am. I look upon every man now az strikly honest, who kan prove it. I want honesty weighed out to me just az i do mi sassage, 16 ounces tew the pound. Honesty that lacks an ounce in every pound aint worth a kuss. The ounce that iz lacking iz just what beats us. In the zodiak concern Libra holds the reins over the anitomikal hoss.

_THINGS THAT KAN BE DID._

One ov the smartest things a man kan do, iz to drink peper sass.

One ov the safest things a man kan do, iz to ride a saw hoss.

One ov the surest things a man kan do, iz tew slip up on the ice.

One ov the lazyest things a man kan do, iz tew eat soup with a fork.

One ov the longest things a man kan do, iz to long for perfekt happiness.

One ov the handyest things a man kan do, is to giv hiz note for 90 daze.

31 Days.

OCTOBER.

1873.

Q.--Whi iz a lie called a yarn? @ @ @

A.--Bekauze it iz dubble and twisted. @ @ @

_'Tis the fate ov kunning men, Ofttimes tew pla the fule, So with Joel when he swopt Horses for a balky mule._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HAISTI PUDDIN._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || Θ @ Whiskey | | | 2| T || invented 1612 | Thare aint nothing that iz a | | 3| F || @ _frosty_ @ @ | sure kure for lazyness, but i hav | | 4| S || whiskey iz | known a seckond wife tew hurry | | 5| G || very proud | it sum. | | 6| M || spirited @ @ @ | | | 7| T || @ _sharp frost_ @ | | | 8| W || @ @ @ now | * * * * * | | 9| T || shuv checkers Θ @ | | |10| F || @ _snow flurrys_ | It iz the suprizes ov life after | |11| S || @ Col Peapod | all that give it its zest,--even a | |12| G || born 1500 @ @ @ | rat makes things interesting bi | |13| M || Col Peapod | the natral suddenness with which | |14| T || waz a | he cums out, or goes into hiz | |15| W || Korporal @ @ Θ | hole. | |16| T || | | |17| F || @ @ _wind sharp_ | | |18| S || Θ @ now | * * * * * | |19| G || lay in | | |20| M || yure winter | | |21| T || kats @ @ @ @ @ | Real good lies are gitting skarse. | |22| W || @ @ _rain_ @ Θ | | |23| T || @ Kats are a | | |24| F || kumfert @ @ _cool_ | * * * * * | |25| S || Θ @ frogs quiet | | |26| G || @ _wind north_ @ | | |27| M || @ cider haz | | |28| T || cum @ _it rains_ | The greatest problem ever given | |29| W || Diogonese lived in | tew man to solve, and the one | |30| T || a barrell Θ @ now | which he haz made the least progress| |31| F || chonk apples @ | in, iz "_know thyself_." | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY._

LEO, THE ZODIAK LION.

Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 15 thousand years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will probably end hiz days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in one respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so tuff. Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the whole human kritter.

_EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR._

_President._ Have yu a gold kronometer worth 300 dollars?

_Konduktor._ Not mutch!

_President._ Do yu keep a trotter?

_Konduktor._ Not enny!

_President._ Hav yu enny dimond rings?

_Konduktor._ Nary!

_President._ Do yu own a fiteing dog?

_Konduktor._ Nothing ov the sort!

_President._ How much bank stock have yu got?

_Konduktor._ Not a red!

_President._ We shant want yu,--the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got done furnishing konduktors with these things.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1873.

Q.--What did Adam and Eve weigh when they left Paradise?

A.--They weighed ankor and haint dropt it since. @ @ @

_He sold the mule for 3 dollars' Worth ov honey in the comb, Then got himself between the shafts, And hauld the waggin home._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _LAM CHOPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ @ | | | 2| G || ketch kold @ @ @ | Whenever yu see a dokter who | | 3| M || @ _raw but sour_ | alwus travels on the run, yu kan | | 4| T || @ dough nuts | bet he iz out ov a job. | | 5| W || found 1590 @ @ @ | | | 6| T || @ _more sour_ @ | * * * * * | | 7| F || vinegar invented | | | 8| S || 1262 @ @ @ @ | | | 9| G || @ _sour inkreases_ | It iz a grate deal eazier tew be | |10| M || @ @ @ lemons | a philosopher after a man haz had | |11| T || had 856 @ @ _sour | hiz dinner, than it iz when he dont | |12| W || enuff_ @ @ @ @ | kno whare he iz a going tew git it. | |13| T || @ Lazarus | | |14| F || waz | * * * * * | |15| S || a | | |16| G || poor man @ @ @ | | |17| M || | Wit without wisdum iz like a | |18| T || @ @ _sighns ov | song without sense, it dont pleaze | |19| W || snow_ @ @ hash | long. | |20| T || fust mixt 1645 @ | * * * * * | |21| F || _kold wetness_ @ | | |22| S || @ @ @ @ now fri | I dont bet on prekoshus children, | |23| G || sassage @ @ _kolder_ | the huckelberry that ripens | |24| M || @ @ thanksgiving | the soonest iz alwus the fust tew | |25| T || threatens @ @ | dekay. | |26| W || _rain and sleet_@ @ | | |27| T || @ @ be wise | * * * * * | |28| F || and yu | | |29| S || will know | The bulk ov mankind are mere | |30| G || sumthing @ @ @ | imitators ov poor originals. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_DECEMBER MISSCELLANY._

GEMINI, THE ZODIAK TWINS.

I have asked several literary people if they would tell me whoze two children the Gemini waz, but they all shook their heds, and begun tew whissell. Maybe they thought i waz a kondem phool. I would just like tew know all about this. Thare iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and them iz twins. The zodiak twins are a kupple ov nice little phellows, if their piktur aint mistaken on the subjekt I never hav saw them only in their pikturs. Twins are two very interesting acksidents tew happen in sumboddy elses family, but one twin at a time suits me the most. In the zodiak sighns, the Gemini akt on the arms. I have alwus noticed that when a person haz twins the sighns are in the arms.

_CLASS IN METAPHISICKS STAND UP._

_Teacher._ Which iz the most stubborist animile?

_Skoller._ The klam, he wont budge a bit!

_Teacher._ Who iz the most open gaited animile?

_Skoller._ The swine, he kan open enny kind ov a gate!

_Teacher._ Which iz the most sure footedest animile?

_Skoller._ The mewel, he kan hit a man twice in a seckond 10 foot oph.

_Teacher._ Who iz the most foolishest animile?

_Skoller._ The goose, he dont kno enuff to go in when it rains.

_Teacher._ Class in metaphisicks may set down.

31 Days.

DECEMBER.

1873.

Q.--What iz the hardest thing a man kan do? @ @ @

A.--Tend sumboddy else's baby. @ @ @ @

_Hiz wife (God bless her) went out tew push, And learn whi this waz sutch, Joel dropt a tear, and sed, "Hannah! I've swopt once tew mutch."_