Part 8

(This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz desighned for one person, and always hits the mark.)

The Hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, and haz a bizzness end to him.=

Respekfully, Josh Billings

The cockroach dont liv on what he eats, but what he kan git into, and often finding him ded in mi soup, i hav cum to the konklushun, that he kant swim, but that he kan float for a long time= Josh Billings

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1873.

Q.--What would be a good motto for a taylor? @ @

A.--Let her rip. @ @ @

_Joel Briggs waz born down east, Hiz hight waz 6 feet 2, Hiz panterloons waz striped, And hitched beneath hiz shu._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KODFISH BAWLS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ _Bitter kold_ Ԋ | | | 2| T || @ now @ | The intimacys ov old age seem | | 3| F || the dog | tew konsist in drinking yung hison | | 4| S || quaketh @ @ | tea together, and compareing | | 5| G || _sighns ov thaw_ @ | gouts and rumatizms. | | 6| M || @ now the | | | 7| T || kat | * * * * * | | 8| W || shivereth @ @ | | | 9| T || @ @ _expekt kold_ @ | One ov the most reliable prophets | |10| F || Ԋ now the snow | i kno ov, iz an old hen, for they | |11| S || snoweth @ @ @ | don't prophecy enny egg, untill | |12| G || @ _kolder but_ | after the egg haz happened. | |13| M || @ _raw_ @ | | |14| T || now | * * * * * | |15| W || the | | |16| T || crow | | |17| F || croweth @ @ | I kno ov folks who are so | |18| S || | kondem kontrary, that if they | |19| G || @ _wind north_ @ | should fall into a river, they would| |20| M || @ @ now the | want tew float up stream. | |21| T || tarrier | | |22| W || tareth @ | * * * * * | |23| T || @ _more snow_ @ | | |24| F || @ @ now the | Politeness iz not only the cheapest,| |25| S || flea fleaeth @ @ | but the most powerful argument | |26| G || Ԋ _kolder still_ @ | I kno ov. | |27| M || @ now the | | |28| T || spark sparketh @ | * * * * * | |29| W || _expekt a thaw_ @ @ | | |30| T || @ Jake Disbrow @ | Money well spent iz well | |31| F || @ died 1824. @ | invested. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_FEBUARY MISSCELLANY._

TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL.

One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for, and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously. Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called "_bull necked."_

_PERSONALS._

Dear One.--Enklosed please find 10 Dollars--if you kan.

RICHARD.

* * * * *

Kum home! kum home! mi dear husband, i freely forgiv yu for all i hav did.

BETSEY.

* * * * *

Waz the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the 8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz corned?--References exchanged.

PEDRO.

28 Days.

FEBUARY.

1873.

Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @

A.--Joner. @ @ @

_Joel Briggs a pedlar waz, A pedlar ov renoun, He delt in tin ware and sitch, And druv from toun tew toun._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KREAM PUFFS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ @ Goose yokes | | | 2| G || fust discovered | If i had 4 fust rate dogs i would | | 3| M || 1651 | name the best ov them "Doubtfull," | | 4| T || _Kold and | and all the other 3 "Useless." | | 5| W || shivery_ @ @ | | | 6| T || @ @ Jane Brown | * * * * * | | 7| F ||born 1826 @ @ | | | 8| S || @ _Snow falls_ | Take all the phools and good | | 9| G || Miss Jane Brown | luk out ov this world, and it would | |10| M || waz a | bother the rest ov us tew git a | |11| T ||woman's righter @ | living. | |12| W ||@ _much koldness_ | * * * * * | |13| T || @ now pan out | Thare iz az mutch difference | |14| F || slapjax @ | between wit and humor az thare | |15| S ||@ _big sno storm_ | iz between the ile and the essence | |16| G || Pete Murdok | ov peppermint. | |17| M ||died 952 @ | | |18| T || _very raw_ @ @ | * * * * * | |19| W || | | |20| T || @ Pete Murdok | Whiskey friends are the most | |21| F || died ov a | unprofitable ones i kno ov, they | |22| S || broken harte @ | are alwus reddy tew drink with | |23| G || _sour rain_ @ | yu, but when yu git reddy tew | |24| M ||Pete Murdok broke | drink with them, they aint dry. | |25| T || hiz harte trieing | * * * * * | |26| W || tou lift a | | |27| T ||meeting house @ @ | Ridikule that aint true haz no | |28| F || @ _more kold_ @ | partikular power. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MARCH MISSCELLANY._

CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB.

Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and thare aint no individual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet. Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot. This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blister plaster in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer.

* * * * *

_WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN._

Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karakter, will hear ov a purchaser by addressing _Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O._

The goose must be broke tew eat grass.

One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered.

If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter.

What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted.

31 Days.

MARCH.

1873.

Q.--Who iz the greatest hero ov modern times? @

A.--Josh Ward, heroed a mile in 4 minitts. @ @

_Once hiz hoss had been a nag, A trotting nag at that, But now he waz a pelter, And enny thing but phatt._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HO KAKE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || Tooth piks | | | 2| G || fust used | A phools money iz like hiz | | 3| M || 1190 @ @ @ | branes--very oneazy. | | 4| T || @ @ _sum wind_ | | | 5| W || @ James Gordon | * * * * * | | 6| T || Bennet born | Thare iz this difference between | | 7| F || 1802 @ | a _jest_, and a _joke_--a jest | | 8| S || @ _rain with snow_ | may be kruel, but a joke never iz. | | 9| G || @ Bennet | | |10| M || is a | * * * * * | |11| T || Herald @ @ @ | | |12| W || | Sins are the only things that i | |13| T || _kold but windy_ | repent ov, i never kould make | |14| F || @ @ now | enny thing repenting ov blunders. | |15| S || feel around for | | |16| G || maple sugar @ @ | * * * * * | |17| M || @ _wind aktive_ @ | | |18| T || @ @ now | Human knowledge iz not very | |19| W || lay in | komprehensiv after all,--i hav | |20| T || early rumatiz @ @ | seen men who kould kalkulate an | |21| F || @ @ _raw but kold_ | eklipse tew a square inch, who | |22| S || @ Job was very | couldn't cum within 30 foot ov | |23| G || billyus @ @ @ | harnessing a hoss. | |24| M || @ _big rain_ @ @ | | |25| T || Sampson waz a | * * * * * | |26| W || strong man @ @ @ | | |27| T || _wind shifts some_ | Flattery iz like ice kream, we | |28| F || @ @ Sampson's | want it a leetle at a time, and | |29| S || strength didn't lay | often. | |30| G || in hiz | | |31| M || karakter @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_APRIL MISSCELLANY._

VIRGO, THE ZODIAK VIRGIN.

One ov the best preserved females ov the age iz Virgo the Virgin. She dont look an hour older than she did in the spring ov 1818 when i fust saw her. Virgo haz lite blu eyes and yeller hair, and i should esteem her to weigh about 117 pounds. Virgo haz menny admirers, and report sez, she haz had menny good trades offered her (one waz a duke) but she deklines matrimony. I congratulate her spunk. If she haz got a good lone hand i like to see her play it, even if she gits ukered. I hope Virgo will remain whare she iz for life, for she iz the only sighn in the zodiak that i love tew witness. Thare iz one thing about Virgo that pleazes me wonderful, and that iz, when the grecian bend waz raging on earth, and crooking most all the other wimmin, she never bent a bit. Hallelujah! for Virgo.

_TO KONTRAKTORS._

The widdo Betsey Brown will receive proposals sealed at her residence No. 86 Hopvine St. for the next 90 daze.

Kontraktors must state their best offers.

Diagrams of the widdows looks kan be had at the above No.

The widdo reserves the privilege ov refusing all offers.

The highest Bidder gits the worm.

Agents needn't applikate.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1873.

Q.--Whi iz the kodfish like a sailor? @ @

A.--Bekauze he iz an old salt. @ @ @ @

_'Twas Joels way t' stop hiz kart, At every hous and shop, Fust tew tell a bit ov nuze. And then propoze tew swop._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _SLAP JAX._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ Grecian bend | | | 2| W || revived 1864 @ | When a man measures out glory | | 3| T || _sighns ov spring_ @ | for himself he alwus heaps the | | 4| F || @ @ @ @ the | haff bushel. | | 5| S || cockroach cometh | | | 6| G || up like a flower @ | * * * * * | | 7| M || @ _liquid rains_ | A man may mistake hiz tallent, | | 8| T || frogs now | but he kant mistake hiz genius. | | 9| W || warble @ @ @ | | |10| T || @ _sweet winds_ @ | * * * * * | |11| F || now the goose | | |12| S || skreameth @ | It is only a step from cunning | |13| G || @ _wind sow east | tew dishonesty, but it iz a step | |14| M || bi sow_ @ | that a man iz liable at enny time | |15| T || | tew take. | |16| W || @ now bury | | |17| T || onion seed @ | * * * * * | |18| F || _smart showers | | |19| S || ov wet_ @ | Thare seems tew be a propriety | |20| G || Mars waz | in all things--late experiments in | |21| M || Juno's fellow @ @ | New York city hav proved the | |22| T || @ _very warm_ @ | fact, that religion in a rat pit | |23| W || @ all natur | iz a failure. | |24| T || stands on tip toze | | |25| F || _more showers with | * * * * * | |26| S || sighns ov rain_ @ | | |27| G || now lift lettiss @ | Style iz every thing for a sinner, | |28| M || @ @ the pilgrim | and a leetle ov it wont hurt a | |29| T || fathers @ | saint. | |30| W || whare am they? @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MAY MISSCELLANY._

SKORPIO, THE ZODIAK SKORPION.

Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt only tew bite. Skorpions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to change ends and go in that way.

_FOUND._

A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will find him (or her, according tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak ov our hous, still butiful in death.

_ALSO_,

Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over the ackcident.

Yung man, dont be afrade to blo yure own horn, but dont blo it in front ov the proceshun, go to the rear and do it.=

Yure Uncle, Josh Billings.=

The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansestors, often wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.=

It iz truly thus, Josh Billings.=

31 Days.

MAY.

1873.

Q.--What iz a blunderbuss? @ @ @

A.--Kissing the wrong woman. @ @

_Joel would swop for enny thing, Tin ware for rags, or brass, Jews harps for kats, brooms for beans, Wood bowls for apple sass._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KOLD SLAU._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Lap dogs | | | 2| F || diskoverd 1310 @ @ | I don't kno az i want to bet | | 3| S || @ @ @ _mild and | enny money, and give odds, on | | 4| G || tender_ @ @ | the man who iz alwus anxious tew | | 5| M || @ Kaptin Kidd | pra out loud every chance he kan | | 6| T || was a | git. | | 7| W || pirate @ @ @ @ | | | 8| T || _plaintive showers_ | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ @ Kaptin Kidd | A reputashun for happiness | |10| S || sailed he did [(@ @)] | wants az mutch looking into az | |11| G || @ _soft wind_ @ | a reputashun for honesty. | |12| M || @ @ @ now mux | | |13| T || in the | * * * * * | |14| W || garden @ @ @ | | |15| T || | When a man duz a good turn | |16| F || @ Horace Greeley | just for the phun ov the thing, he | |17| S || born 1812 @ | haz got a grate deal more virtew | |18| G || _wet rains_ @ @ | in him than he iz aware ov. | |19| M || @ @ now prepare | | |20| T || for dandylions @ | * * * * * | |21| W || @ _wind south_ @ | | |22| T || Horace Greeley | Next tew the man who iz worth | |23| F || iz a Tribune @ @ | a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz | |24| S || @ _nobby showers_ | the man who don't kare a kuss | |25| G || @ now sarch | for it. | |26| M || hens for eggs @ @ | | |27| T || @ _warm and pretty_ | * * * * * | |28| W || @ @ @ frogs have | Self-made men are most alwus | |29| T || come _soft winds_ | apt tew be a leetle too proud ov | |30| F || @ Homer waz | the job. | |31| S || quite a poet @ @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JUNE MISSCELLANY._

KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE.

Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording tew populashun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day. They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zodiak Kaprikornus governs the kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed.

_LOST._

A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz return, when he stole away, with flowing ears, or waz strayed by sumboddy, answers tew Kristopher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale.

30 Days.

JUNE.

1873.

Q.--How menny skruples in one dram. @

A.--This depends upon who takes the dram. @

_His kart waz a karavan, Piled hi with every kind Ov dikker yu kould name, Besides sumthin hitched behind._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KNUT KAKES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Now snatch | | | 2| M || @ cowcumbers | Silence iz one ov the lost arts. | | 3| T || _sighns ov hotness_ @ | | | 4| W || @ Mark Twain | * * * * * | | 5| T || born 1839 @ @ | | | 6| F || & _hotter_ @ | | | 7| S || Mark iz a mello | When yu strike ile stop boreing; | | 8| G || @ kuss @ | menny a man haz bored klean thru | | 9| M || @ _showers ov rain_ | and let the ile run out at the | |10| T || @ money iz tite @ | bottom. | |11| W || @ _more warmer_ | | |12| T || Venus waz a | * * * * * | |13| F || hansum woman @ | | |14| S || @ _mutch wet_ @ | | |15| G || @ now dig | Human happiness iz like Josephs | |16| M || for strawberrys | coat, a thing of menny colours. | |17| T || _gentle wetness_ @ | | |18| W || @ Job Potter died | | |19| T || 1856 | * * * * * | |20| F || _sighns ov thunder_ | | |21| S || @ Job Potter died | Sin in the soul iz like a slivver | |22| G || ov death @ @ | in the flesh; mortifikashun iz the | |23| M || _more hotly_ @ | natral way tew git rid ov it. | |24| T || @ now reap | | |25| W || assparagrass @ | | |26| T || @ _moist | * * * * * | |27| F || wetness_ @ | | |28| S || expekt | Love often changes coquetry to | |29| G || muskeetoze. @ @ | sense, and prudery to sillyness. | |30| M || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JULY MISSCELLANY._

PISCES, THE ZODIAK FISHES.