Part 7

The feminine creashuns ov this month will be grate admirers ov the sterner sex. They will fall in luv easy, but will make az phew blunders az enny other wimmin. They will be guided bi the impulses ov their naturs, which in most wimmen iz a safer card than their judgements. If I hadnt got one ov the best wifes that the world haz yet produced, I should be inclined to ask (humbly) for one ov the _August-as_.

_TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONSARN._

(_Advertizement._)

Adam Dipthong (chicken champion) invites a discerning world tew peruse hiz egg-dispensing poultry.

His "_Hail Columbys_," crossed on his "_Star Spangled Banners_," iz a hen who, for purity ov step, swavity of plumage, and modesty ov deportment, kant be beat.

His "_Last Roze ov Summer_," hiz "_Merry wives ov Windsor_," and hiz "_Love lies bleeding_," az a style ov poultry, haz no competitors in the whole horizon. His "_Kiss me Quicks_," chastised with a delikate sprinkling ov his "_Meet me bi moon lite alone_," as pullets, hav alwus stood the test; and az roosters, are alwus reddy "tew fite it out on this line" (or enny other) "if it takes all summer."

31 Days.

AUGUST.

1872.

Q.--Who waz the fust brewer? @ @

A.--Satan; he brewed mischief. @ @ @

_Come, farmers all, both grate and small. The fields with yello grain are wavy; Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls, And make the bukweat cry Peccavy._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _EGG NOGG._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | | | 2| F || @ Pete Whetstone | A man whom yu kan hire tew | | 3| S || born 956 @ @ | work on a farm for nothing, and | | 4| G || @ _hotter_ @ | board himself, will just about earn | | 5| M || @ Pete waz a bare- | hiz wages. | | 6| T || bak rider @ @ | | | 7| W || @ _thunder and_ | | | 8| T || _litening_ @ @ | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ Pete rode the | | |10| S || fust bear @ @ | | |11| G || @ _hot grows wuss_ | A learned phool iz one who | |12| M || @ @ now stab | haz read everything, and simply | |13| T || suckers @ @ @ @ @ | remembers what he haz read. | |14| W || @ _hot with rain_ @ | | |15| T || | | |16| F || @ kane kilt able @ | * * * * * | |17| S || _now expekt mutch_ | | |18| G || _warmth_ @ @ kane | | |19| M || waz a stunner @ | The highest rate ov interest | |20| T || @ _heat prickly_ @ | that we pay iz for borrowed | |21| W || @ now eat kold | trouble. Things that are alwus | |22| T ||vittles @ _heat biles_ | a-going tew happen, never do | |23| F || @ O grave! whare | happen. | |24| S || iz thi viktory? * | | |25| G || _bigger hot_ @ Gen. | | |26| M || Jackson waz a | * * * * * | |27| T || dimokrat @ _hot_ @ | | |28| W || and now beg for | | |29| T || ise | I hav know people who had so | |30| F || kream @ @ | little karakter that they didnt | |31| S || @ _more heaty_ @ | even hav enny phailings. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER._

The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates.

* * * * *

The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than reproved.

_ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS._

Never swop hosses with a deakon--not if yu belong tew the same church he duz.

If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75 dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125 dollars.

If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him.

If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the trade untill next day.

Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore, if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges.

Mice kan liv enny whare fust rate except in a church.--they fatt very slo in a church.--this shows that they kant liv on religion, enny more than a minister kan.

Yures. Josh Billings

Whenever i see a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmin rights" bizzness, i am a going to take off mi hat, and jine the proceshun.--

See if i dont. Josh Billings

30 Days.

SEPTEMBER.

1872.

Q.--Whi iz the meazles like fresh mackrel? @ @

A.--They run in schools, and hav tew be kaught before they can be had. @ @

_Deakon John Jones waz a pius man, But for one thing I kant lend praze; 'Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore, When his old ram knokt him end waze._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _SLUNG-SHOT._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ _Mild, but gentle_ | | | 2| M || @ Abram Tucker | I dont know how it iz with my | | 3| T || born 1694 @ @ | brother-man, but with me the fall | | 4| W || @ _soft winds_ @ | ov the Roman empire iz a grate | | 5| T || @ Abram Tucker | deal eazier tew bear than a fall on | | 6| F || fust eat pork and | the ice when it iz wet. | | 7| S || molassis @ @ _now_ | | | 8| G || _look for rain_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | | 9| M || birds with feathers | | |10| T ||flock togethers @ @ @ @ | | |11| W || @ _it rains_ @ | Face all things; even adversity | |12| T || @ now lay in fride | iz polite to a man's face. | |13| F || oysters @ | | |14| S || * _very pleasant_ @ | * * * * * | |15| G || @ John Brown died | | |16| M || 1861 * @ cloudy @ | Poverty kant be wuss, and may | |17| T || | be better; riches kan be better, | |18| W || @ John Brown | and may be wuss. The difference | |19| T || died ov the thrut | iz in favour ov poverty. | |20| F || disseaze @ | | |21| S || @ _mild_ @ | * * * * * | |22| G || now expekt early | | |23| M || cider @ _showery_ @ | | |24| T || @ sighns ov an arly | Whenever i see a man anxious | |25| W || frost @ @ | tew git into the middle ov a fite | |26| T || @ _wind east_ @ | that dont belong tew him, i am | |27| F || now prepare | alwus anxious to hav him, for i | |28| S || for | kno he iz sure tew be the wust | |29| G || country | whipt man in the party. | |30| M || cuzzins @ @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR OCTOBER._

The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all right. His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will hav black hair the rest of hiz days.

* * * * *

The woman born this month will be short ov stattue, and acquainted with grief. She will want a grate menny things, in this world, that aint handy tew be got. She will marry just about the right time, and undertake tew liv with her mother in law, which iz a diffikult kontrakt tew fill. The wimmin born this month are like a rhode island greening, ripen slow, and are most delightful away long into the winter.

@ TO LET. @

_Enny person having an easy pill to take, that will restore a shatterd reputashun, without change ov diet tew the pashunt, kan hav this advertising space hily reazonable._

_Enquire of_

31 Days.

OCTOBER.

1872.

Q.--Whare did Adam strike when he fell? @ @

A.--On hiz kneeze, I hope. @ @ @

_Bukwheat kakes this month lay in, Eat freely of pork and sassage; Theze things kind Heaven givs to us, Who in this world works our passage._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _FOOT PRINTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Kloudy, but cool_ | | | 2| W || @ Joel Briggs born | If i had a boy whoze hair | | 3| T || 1837 @ | would bedew that hair with a | | 4| F || @ _warmer_ @ | parent's tear, and then giv up | | 5| S || @ Joel Briggs waz | the boy. | | 6| G || a tin pedlar Փ @ | | | 7| M ||@ @ _sighns ov rain_ @ @| * * * * * | | 8| T || @ beware ov grass | | | 9| W || widders @ @ _snow_ | | |10| T || _on the mountains_ | Hurry and dispatch are often | |11| F || @ now count yure | confounded, but they are az unlike | |12| S || rats @ _sharp frost_ | az the habits ov the pissmire | |13| G || _last nite_ @ @ | and the ant. | |14| M || @ whiskee iz a non | | |15| T || konduktor @ | | |16| W || | * * * * * | |17| T || @ _snow falls_ @ | | |18| F || Փ biled sassage | | |19| S || iz good for the | Thare aint but phew men weak | |20| G || tooth ake @ @ @ | enuff tew admit their jealousys; | |21| M || @ _wind bracing_ @ | even a disgraced rooster in a barn- | |22| T || @ now enquire | yard will git a leetle further off | |23| W || for cider @ | and begin tew crow up a new | |24| T || @ _colder_ @ | reputashun. | |25| F || @ @ Enok waz | | |26| S || translated Փ @ | | |27| G || @ _frosty_ @ | * * * * * | |28| M || @ so | | |29| T || waz | Cunning, at best, only duz the | |30| W || Homer | dirty work ov wisdum; tharefore | |31| T || translated @ @ | I dispize it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR NOVEMBER._

The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye, and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach deth by a cirkuitous route.

* * * * *

She who cums tew see us this month will be az welkum az a dandylion in the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife--(Kind Heaven! send us az menny ov this sort az convenient.)

_ADVICE TEW YUNG DOKTORS._

Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the offiss.

When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump.

Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid misterious.

Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church duz.

Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening.

If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum tew the konklushun that the doktrine bizzness ain't so good as it waz last year.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1872.

Q.--Who waz the best-preserved woman that ever lived? @ @

A.--Lot's wife. @ @ @

_Jane Lovell waz a farmer's wife, A wife waz she wuth having, too; For when Jane Lovell rooled up her sleeves, Things round that hous begin tew flew._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _TIT BITS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ _Sour, but kold_ Ԃ | | | 2| S || @ remember Lot's | A dandy in love iz in just about | | 3| G || wife @ @ _raw_, | az bad a fix az a stik ov mollassis | | 4| M || _but sour_ Ԃ | kandy that haz begun tew melt. | | 5| T || @ Lot's wife waz | | | 6| W || the psalt ov the | * * * * * | | 7| T || earth @ | | | 8| F || @ _more sour_ @ | The meanest kind ov a loafer | | 9| S || @ all good wives are | iz he who iz willing tew be abuzed | |10| G || @ _more raw_ @ | by every one for the privilege ov | |11| M || Ԃ Adam Sturgis | abusing others. | |12| T || born 1853 @ _windy_ | | |13| W || @ Adam Sturgis | * * * * * | |14| T || waz a twin @ @ | | |15| F || @ _rain, mixt with_ | | |16| S || _snow_ @ @ now @ | Curiosity had twins; one waz | |17| G || psalt sheeps @ | _Invenshun_, the other waz _Stick- | |18| M || @ _wind bights_ Ԃ | Yure-Noze-Into-Things_. | |19| T || multiplika- 0000000 | | |20| W || shun table 00 | * * * * * | |21| T || diskovered ------- | | |22| F || 1215 @ @ 0000000 | | |23| S ||_more kold_ @ 0000000 | Deth iz an arrow shot into a | |24| G ||the multi- --------- | krowd; the only rezon whi it hit | |25| M || plikashun 000000000 | another iz bekauze it missed us. | |26| T || table iz | | |27| W || hard tew beat @ @ | * * * * * | |28| T || @ sour rain Ԃ | | |29| F || @ Bill Adams waz | Arly genius iz like arly cabbage: | |30| S || a free mason @ | it dont apt tew hed well. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR DECEMBER._

The man born this month will hav a sanguine temprament. He thinks he iz in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been playing the same game he haz--falling in love with every man she meets. They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way.

* * * * *

The girl born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too smart to die right off on that account. She will admire menny men, but will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart enuff to know this, they will travel through life like 2 pigeons.

_SIMPLE REMIDIZ._

Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water.

* * * * *

Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multiply a pint ov fusil ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine.

* * * * *

Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a kord.

* * * * *

Tew make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly.

* * * * *

Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats.

31 Days.

DECEMBER.

1872.

Q.--How did robins git their name? @ @ @ @

A.--By robin cherry-trees. @ @ @ @ @ @ @

_The farmer leads an eazy life, 12 hours a day ends hiz labors, Evenings pares apples for cider sass, Or hauls over the coals hiz nabors._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _GIN_ AND _MILK_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ @ _Kold and | | | 2| M || snowsome_ @ | How fast will the "_comeing_ | | 3| T || @ Yankee doodle | _man_" probably travel? I kant | | 4| W || born 1659 @ | tell to a dot; but if he kant beat | | 5| T || @ _mutch kold_ @ | 2.25, he better stay whare he iz. | | 6| F || @ Yankee doodle | | | 7| S || still livs @ | * * * * * | | 8| G || _snow 60 foot deep_ | | | 9| M || @ Yankee doodle | A man with a phew branes iz | |10| T || iz | like a dog with one flea on him-- | |11| W || a lively cuss @ | dredful oneazy. | |12| T || @ _grate kold_ @ | | |13| F || @ now hammer | * * * * * | |14| S || @ grate kold @ | | |15| G || @ _kolder_ @ | Be humble, and yu are sure | |16| M || expekt sla rides @ | tew be thankful; be thankful, and | |17| T || | yu are sure tew be happy. | |18| W || @ _sharp, but kold_ | | |19| T || @ thou shalt | * * * * * | |20| F || not | | |21| S || covet thi nabor's | The more yung ones in a family, | |22| G || jackass @ | the eazier they are tew raize. | |23| M || @ _snow inkreases_ | One chicken alwus makes more | |24| T || @ now murder | klucking for a hen than a dozen | |25| W || hogs @ | duz. | |26| T || @ _wind shifty_ @ | | |27| F || @ now tear up | * * * * * | |28| S || wood @ | | |29| G || @ _big kold_ @ | Blessed iz he who kan pocket | |30| M || @ the grass hopper | abuse, and feel that it iz no | |31| T || haz fled @ @ @ | disgrace tew be bit bi a dog. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_AGRIKULTIBUSS._

1st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet; their grate skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats.

* * * * *

2d. Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want them tew turn up good.

* * * * *

3d. Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce more chickens than they will tew plant them.

* * * * *

4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav weak eyes.

* * * * *

5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs; it aint best tew cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows.

* * * * *

6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew be thrasht; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled fust, and thrasht afterwards.

* * * * *

7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, espeshily old rye; too mutch water will drown out old rye.

* * * * *

8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth; so will tuds; but woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile.

_SUM WEATHER._

SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS.

The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New Orleans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs.

Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and northwest ov Montreal, with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness.

_PROBABILITIZ._

Ambrozial weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16 months, with rain and snow; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov the United States of America.

The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assimilate themselfs tew the principal probabilitiz in the case.

If they don't, du notiss will be giv.

In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered.

_JANUARY MISSCELLANY._

ARIES, THE ZODIAK RAM.

Aries is a latin ram. He is kompozed ov wool all over, and horns in front. How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day, but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydraulik ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz kapacity for putting a hed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho he haz no literary pretenshuns, haz made menny brilliant hits in hiz day.

_TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH._

Take one quart ov red cow's milk.

Strain all the water out ov the milk.

Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum.

Ramify it well with white sugar.

Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it.

Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing.