Part 6

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _THISSELS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Kold, but sharp_ | Thare iz two kind ov men that | | 2| F || @ @ When this | i dont kare to meet when i am in | | 3| S || yu see, remember | a grate hurry: men that i owe, | | 4| G || me @ @ | and men that want to owe me. | | 5| M || _sighns ov kold_ @ | | | 6| T || now puntch | * * * * | | 8| T || _weather inkreases_ | Jokes are like butternuts. To | | 9| F || @ @ Dave Larkin | be good, they musn't be cracked | |10| S || born 1763 @ @ | flatways. | |11| G || | | |12| M || @ _wind north_ @ | * * * * * | |13| T || Dave Larkin | | |14| W || waz | | |15| T || a | It iz just az natral tew be born | |16| F || hoss jockey @ | poor az tew be born naked, and | |17| S || _snow, mixt with_ | it iz no more disgrace. | |18| G || _kold_ @ | | |19| M || Dave Larkin delt | * * * * * | |20| T || in | | |21| W || saw-hosses @ | Truth iz like the burr docks on | |22| T || _kold, but bitter_ @ | the end ov a cow's tail: the more | |23| F || @ Oh! cockroach, | she shakes them oph, the less she | |24| S || whare iz | gits rid ov them. | |25| G || thine | | |26| M || sting? @ | * * * * * | |27| T || _kold gits more so_ | | |28| W || @ now giv in | I think young coxcombs end | |29| T || marriage @ | their lives az old sloven. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR MARCH._

The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss but once, and then will git beat.

* * * * *

The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20 years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness, by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her buty till she iz about 45; after that, she will hav to take her chances.

* * * * *

[_Advertizement._]

Professor John Spruce (_graduate_) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art of chawing gum, in all the hier branches.

_Private lessons_ administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house. The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the gum-chawing science tew a spot.

_N. B.--Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale low._

31 Days.

MARCH.

1872.

Q.--Who iz the champion ov lite weights? [@]

A.--The Nu Jersey muskeeter. @ @ @

_Dame Barker had a yerling hen, Who swore she'd set, or raze the dickens; The dame sot her on an ear ov korn, And razed a bushel an haff ov chickens._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _CODICILS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ _Breezy_ @ @ | | | 2| S || Klam soup | To work iz the grate law ov | | 3| G || diskovered 1500 @ | natur. If the woodchuck ever | | 4| M || _sighns ov wind_ @ | dont bild enny hole, he wont | | 5| T || Jim Pettybone | hav one. It iz true he may steal | | 6| W || created 1312 @ @ | one; but then sum other woodchuck | | 7| T || Jim waz | will hav tew dig two. | | 8| F || an intemperance | | | 9| S || man [(@)] | * * * * * | |10| G || _mutch wind_ @ | | |11| M || Jim Pettybone died | | |12| T || @ _wind grows_ @ | Thare are folks who dont do | |13| W || Jim died | enny hard work but watch their | |14| T || ov the | simptoms. I hav saw dogs akt | |15| F || triangular | just az sensibel. I hav saw a | |16| S || lemons @ | rat-tarrier watch the simptoms ov a | |17| G || _fresh, but windy_ | knot-hole in a board-fence all day, | |18| M || @ now dig angle- | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no | |19| T || worms @ @ | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no | |20| W || _wind rizes_ @ @ | rat didnt cum forth. | |21| T || Lafayette waz | | |22| F || A | * * * * * | |23| S || friend to | | |24| G || this | | |25| M || land @ @ @ | I alwus did admire the malice | |26| T || _wind_ | ov the mule. If a freak ov fortune | |27| W || _inklined tew_ | had made me az misfortunate | |28| T || be windy @ | amung men az the mule iz amung | |29| F || @ Tom Hyer waz | animilds, i would begin tew let | |30| S || a | drive at things a mile an a haff | |31| G || pugilissimus [§§] | off. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL._

The man born this month will hav a liquid temprament, but not necessarily inklined tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married; and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely konkluded tew be a merchant taylor.

* * * * *

The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth. Her heart will be az tender az a porterhouse steak. She will keep a lap dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny. She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity, with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it.

[_Advertizement._]

_JOB SARGENT'S KLENSING SOPE._

Job Sargent, being ov sound mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil, dont hesitate tew say that his klensing sope will take the spots oph from everything.

1st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze.

2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits.

3d. Kan the leopard change his spots?--i answer it kan, bi using Job Sargent's only klensing sope.

4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will never be without this sope.

5th. Job Sargent never told a lie--so did George Washington.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1872.

Q.--What iz the fastest trotting-time on reckord?

A.--I dont kno az I kare. @ @ @ @

_A sloven farmer waz old Snyder; He spent his time a drinkin syder. Together he worked a cow and muel, And never sent his boys tew skewel._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _HOOKS_ AND _EYES_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Now sort yure | | | 2| T || rats @ @ | Yu kant konvert sinners bi | | 3| W || _sum rain_ @ | preaching the gospel tew them at | | 4| T || sow yure hoss- | haff-price. Enny sinner who iz | | 5| F || radish @ @ | anxious tew git hiz religion in | | 6| S || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | that way iz satisfied with a poor | | 7| G || @ hoss-radish iz a | artikle. | | 8| M || smart vegatable @ | | | 9| T || @ Bill Kurtis | * * * * * | |10| W || born 1749 @ @ @ | | |11| T || @ _sighns ov rain_ @ | Prudes are coquets gone tew | |12| F || | seed. | |13| S || Bill Kurtis had | | |14| G || a | * * * * * | |15| M || wodden leg @ @ | | |16| T || _mild, but pleazant_ | | |17| W || @ @ now bury beans | Thare iz no better evidence ov | |18| T || @ @ _warm wet_ | wisdum than tew beleave what we | |19| F || @ beans are a | kant understand. | |20| S || joyful krop @ | | |21| G || @ _wind soft_ @ | | |22| M || thou shalt not steal | * * * * * | |23| T || @ _more wet_ @ | | |24| W || plant pickels | Yu will alwus notis one thing: | |25| T || for arly cow- | the devil never offers tew go into | |26| F || kumbers @ @ | partnership with a bizzy man; | |27| S || @ _soft breezes_ @ | but yu will often see him offer | |28| G || now lend umbrellers | tew jine the lazy, and furnish all | |29| M || @ @ _hot_ @ | the capital. | |30| T || now jerk lettiss @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR MAY._

The gentleman who invests hiz life in this month will be very quick tempered, espeshily when a hornet lights on him in anger. His mother will set a good deal by him, espeshily when he iz in the kradle. He will hav the mumps very light, and will spend most ov his life intending tew marry, but will die at last with a half dozen old maids on hiz hands. The wash wimmin will remember him az the man who never wore paper collars.

* * * * *

The lady born this month will fust be a bud, and afterwards a blossom. Her heart will be az full ov twitter as a kanary bird on a perch. She will hav twilight hair. She will hav menny lovers. She will be reasonabel fond ov silk clothes, but her grate joy will be in a bonnet. She will hav az little jealousy az it is prudent for a woman tew hav.

_CHOICE OLD RECEIPTS._

To learn a kat how tew bite--feed her on kat nip tea.

* * * * *

To remove goose pimples (from a goose)--loose the goose.

* * * * *

To kure a weak back--lay still for a week ahead.

* * * * *

To make yure mark--fall out ov a third story windo.

* * * * *

To ketch a bad kold--lay down on the ground, and watch for it, bi moonlite.

Kats are plenty. I kounted 18 from mi boarding hous window one night last summer--and it wasn't a fust rate nite for kats neither.=

A sollum fakt. Josh Billings

One ov the most unfortunate men in this world--iz a third rate fiddler,=

Yure warm friend

Josh Billings

31 Days.

MAY.

1872.

Q.--Who got the fust caneing? @ @

A.--Abel. @ @ @

_Now in the ground hide unyun seed, Bury korn, and beetz, and lettiss; Chuck in sum peas, and lima beans, If the arth dont seem tew wettish._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PLUMB PUDDIN._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || | | | 2| T || @ Now kount yure | If i waz a-going tew civilize a | | 3| F || bees @ | parcel ov heathen (bi the job) | | 4| S || @ _wet showers_ @ | on sum distant, far off, and remote | | 5| G || expekt grass @ | ile, i should debate sum | | 6| M || @ Mary Spalding | time in mi mind which tew send, | | 7| T || born 1642 @ @ | an invoice ov dancing-masters or | | 8| W || _warm, but sunny_ | missionarys. | | 9| T || @ Mary Spalding | | |10| F || waz a widder @ | * * * * * | |11| S || @ _rain_ @ | | |12| G || now plant tudstools | Hope haz made a grate menny | |13| M || | blunders; but thare iz one thing | |14| T || @ _hot, but cool_ @ | about her that I alwus did like: | |15| W || all men were born | she means well. | |16| T || free and equal @ | | |17| F || @ _more warmy_ @ | * * * * * | |18| S || Joner waz | | |19| G || et bi | Most ennyboddy thinks he kan | |20| M || a whale @ @ @ | keep a good hotel (and he kan); | |21| T || @ _expekt rain_ @ | but this akounts for the grate | |22| W || @ dandylions draw | number of kussid mean ones all | |23| T || ni @ @ _hot_ | over the country. | |24| F || _mildness_ | | |25| S || now fall in love @ | * * * * * | |26| G || @ _warm inkreases_ | | |27| M || David Perkins | Whenever yu hear a man who | |28| T || waz | alwus wants tew bet hiz bottom | |29| W || a | dollar, you kan make up yure | |30| T || hansum | mind that that iz the size ov hiz | |31| F || man @ @ @ @ | pile. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR JUNE._

The male individual born during June will be one of 7 children, but not the only one. He will hav 3 brothers, and one sister, who will marry a hard shell baptist preacher. He will studdy law, and enter the profeshun with gilt edge prospekts, but his fust klient being a counterfiter, whom he succeeds in gitting clear, and receiving 50 dollars in counterfit money for his services, disgusts him with the bizzness.

* * * * *

The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife, for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age.

_ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY._

(_Advertizement._)

Phelix Phungus (_dog dokter_), late ov the royal vetenary college, and 12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free.

P. P. D. D. PHELIX PHUNGUS, DOG DOKTOR.

30 Days.

JUNE.

1872.

Q.--Who waz the weakest man? @

A.--Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars. @

_Mary Moore iz a farmer's lass, She's winsum az a pozy; The chap who ketches Mary Moore, Wont be no kuntry josey._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _ROOTS_ AND _ARBS_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Sweetly warm_ | | | 2| G || @ now grab roses | 8 wont go into 6, and hav | | 3| M || @ _frequent wet_ @ | ennything left over. Menny a | | 4| T || John Smith born | yung phellow haz found out this | | 5| W || in the year 4 @ | bi trieing tew git a number 6 boot | | 6| T || @ _slitely hot_ @ | on. | | 7| F || John Smith waz a | | | 8| S || good investment @ | * * * * * | | 9| G || _warm, but growy_ | | |10| M || | Thare iz nothing a man will git | |11| T || @ John Smith | so sick ov az too mutch molasses. | |12| W || waz | (_Sweet girls, make a note ov | |13| T || better than | this._) | |14| F || kompound interest | | |15| S || @ _now imbibe_ | * * * * * | |16| G || _fragrance_ @ | | |17| M || @ bully for John | Prudery iz often like the chesnutt- | |18| T || Smith @ | burr: it duz seem as tho it | |19| W || _warm, but wet_ @ | never would open, but by and by | |20| T || @ Elihu Burritt | it yields tew the frost, and lets | |21| F || waz a blacksmith @ | the fruit drop out. | |22| S || @ _more rain_ @ | | |23| G || now expekt | | |24| M || snaiks § @ § | * * * * * | |25| T || _sighns ov wet_ | | |26| W || _moisture_ @ @ | I dont beleave in the final salva- | |27| T || @ Horace Greely | shun ov all men, bekauze thare | |28| F || iz | are so menny kases in which i | |29| S || an | kant see how it iz going tew be | |30| G || editor @ @ @ | made tew pay. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR JULY_.

The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (_Hiz posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good kard tew run for offiss on._)

* * * * *

The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yello sunshine. She will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will hav poetry for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate karamels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly, and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the song ov the crickets.

_ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN._

Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro; it sumtimes happens whare a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well.

Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience.

Larn tew wait!--this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz the surest way tew git thare.

If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground.

31 Days.

JULY.

1872.

Q.--Which are two ov the lost arts? @ @

A.--Modesty, and good home-made bread. @ @

_To brake a mule, or yoke a steer, Bob Fletcher waz a reddy lad; He and his mother worked the farm-- Krewel deth had took away his dad._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | | | 2| T || now lay in straw- | I look upon the north pole az | | 3| W || berrys and kream @ | one ov them pekuliar spots ov | | 4| T || @ _wind south_ @ | ground: if it aint never found, we | | 5| F || @ Frank Stebbins | shant be none ov the wuss off; | | 6| S || waz born this | and if it iz found, we shant be | | 7| G || month @ @ | none the better off. | | 8| M || @ _more heaty_ @ | | | 9| T || @ Frank Stebbins | | |10| W || waz a hoss-jockey | * * * * * | |11| T || @ _now expekt_ | | |12| F || _wet showers_ @ @ | I kant see what woman wants | |13| S || @ Frank Stebbins | enny more "_Rights_" for; she | |14| G || had a lemon- | beat the fust man born into the | |15| M || colored mare @ | world out ov a ded sure thing, | |16| T || | and she kan beat the last one | |17| W || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | with the same kards. | |18| T || @ this mare could | | |19| F || trot suddenly @ | | |20| S || @ _grate heatness_ | * * * * * | |21| G || @ Abel waz a | | |22| M || bachelor @ @ | | |23| T || @ _inkreasing_ | The only thing which makes a | |24| W || _warmth_ @ | mule so highly respektabel is the | |25| T || @ now hunt | grate accuracy ov hiz kickings. | |26| F || for | | |27| S || thunder | | |28| G || and | * * * * * | |29| M || lightning @ @ | | |30| T || @ hale columbus | Convince a phool ov hiz errors, | |31| W || happee land @ | and you make him yure enemy. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR AUGUST._

The gentleman born this month will hav one eye to the main chance, and the other eye on the collatterals. He will be sharper than good cider vinegar, and will go at a transackshun like a skotch tarrier at a rat hole. He will be az honest az a hornet, and make az few blunders. He will liv tew be old. Hiz wife will die young--tired out trying tew keep up with him.

* * * * *