Part 5

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _CRANBERRY SAUS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F ||@ _Exquisit and | | | 2| S || soft wind |Love is like the meazles, we | | 3| G ||melts_ @ angels |kan't hav it bad but once, and the | | 4| M || seen bi |later in life we hav it the tuffer it| | 5| T || moonlite |goes with us. | | 6| W ||_fragrant showers_ @ | | | 7| T |@ fust poet | * * * * * | | 8| F ||born 642 @ _limpid |The miser who heaps up gains | | 9| S || tenderness_ @ |tew gloat over, iz like a hog in a | |10| G ||_cam and cool_ @ |pen, fatted for a show. | |11| M ||stars twitter @ | | |12| T || @ azure twilight | | |13| W ||_wind sow bi sow | * * * * * | |14| T || west_ @ lovers | | |15| F ||meet @ |Most every one seems tew be | |16| S || @ _soft showers_ @ |willing to be a phool himself, bu | |17| G || and kiss @ harvest |he kant bear to have enny boddy | |18| M ||yure pumpkins @ |else one. | |19| T || @ _slick weather_ | | |20| W ||hark! from the | * * * * * | |21| T ||tombs a doleful | | |22| F ||sound @ _soft wind_ | | |23| S ||Tom Corwin |The man who haint got an | |24| G ||waz a wagon |enemy, iz really poor. | |25| M || boy @ | | |26| T ||_tender winds_ @ | * * * * * | |27| W || @ on linden | | |28| T ||when the |Advise iz like kastor ile, eazy | |29| F ||sun @ waz low |enuff to giv, but dredful uneazy | |30| S || |tew take. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE LOAFING RACCON._

The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family consists ov one wife, and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long, that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons; they want as much waiting on az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them, than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad.

_HOME DOINGS._

Tew freshen a salt mackerel,--tow him one summer behind a steam bote.

Tew make a man good mad,--starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff.

Tew be one ov the "_oldest inhabitants_," remember very well, when yung Nebudkenezzer waz a babe.

Tew be happy,--eat molasses, and swing on a gate.

31 Days.

OCTOBER.

1871.

Q.--What did Joner do while in the whale's stumak?

A.--The best thing he did waz tew git out ov it. @

_Sweet cider now, and punkin pize, And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy: Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy, So phull ov phun, so free and eazy?_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _BEEFSTAKE AND ONIONS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || _Gentle frost_ @ |Thare aint but phu men who | | 2| M || @ cider invented |kan stick a white hankerchief into | | 3| T || 1536 @ _sighns |the brest pocket ov their overcut | | 4| W || ov snow_ @ _wind_ @ |without letting a leetle ov it | | 5| T || _shifty_ @ _it may |stick out,--just bi acksident. | | 6| F || snow, and it may | * * * * * | | 7| S || not_ @ _calm |A cheerful old man, or old | | 8| G || coldness_ @ now |woman, iz like the south side ov | | 9| M || potatoes dig @ _wind_ |a wood shed, in the last ov | |10| T || @ _nor by |winter. | |11| W || nor west_ @ | | |12| T || @ David slewed | * * * * * | |13| F || Goliar | | |14| S || _cooler_ @ with a | Men mourn for what they hav | |15| G || small rock @ hens |lost, wimmin for what they | |16| M || begin to lay @ |hain't got. | |17| T || | | |18| W || _snow squalls_ @ | * * * * * | |19| T || _cold_ @ let it | It iz very eazy tew repent ov | |20| F || squall who cares @ |sins we hav committed, but to | |21| S || |repent ov thoze we intend tew | |22| G || @ @ Eve waz the |commit, iz asking too mutch ov enny | |23| M || first woman @ |man theze days. | |24| T || _raw cold_ @ @ | | |25| W || who fooled | * * * * * | |26| T || her man | | |27| F || | Pitty costs nothing,--and aint | |28| S || _sharp frost_ @ | wuth nothing. | |29| G || | | |30| M || @ down with @ | | |31| T || @ the taxes @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE THOUGHTFUL FOX._

The Fox iz a literary bird; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer and Herodotus; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty but he haz got a grate supply of _politikal honesty_. If another Fox in hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the goose, and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in hiz eye, "_that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi_."

[_Advertisement._]

_MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES._

Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer, rickets, redgum, and bawling.

Cures gout, hang nails, _wont go tew sleep_, stummak ake, and _want every thing they see_.

Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface.

Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes.

Babes bawl for it.

Nurses pray for it.

Fathers buy it bi the barrell.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1871.

Q.--What iz ginger pops? @ @ @ @

A.--Gim-nastick water. @ @ @ @ @

_The bullfrog haz hung up hiz fiddle, The bug and the cricket are still; No more can be heard in the marshes, The musketo fileing hiz bill._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _History._ | _SLAP JACKS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || _Sour and_ @ | | | 2| T || @ _sad_ @ | A dog iz the only thing on this | | 3| F || grate skassity ov | earth that luvs yu more than he | | 4| S || grasshoppers @ | luvs himself. | | 5| G || _sour and_ @ @ | | | 6| M || _chilly_ @ | * * * * * | | 7| T || Brigham Young | Lies are like illegitimate children,| | 8| W || born 1818 @ | liable to call a man _Father_! | | 9| T || _cold_ @ _Brigham_ | when he least expekts it. | |10| F || was a _youngster_ @ | | |11| S || _snow on the_ | * * * * * | |12| G || _mountains_ | A gentleman iz a gentleman the | |13| M || @ in time of | world over,--it iz only the loafers | |14| T || peace | that differ. | |15| W || prepare for | | |16| T || war @ | * * * * * | |17| F || _raw rain_ @ @ | | |18| S || @ now lay in | What men kant do they are | |19| G || a bad cold @ | very apt tew admire,--they dont | |20| M || for winter @ | criticize a mountain bekause they | |21| T || @ _it snows_ @ | kant make one. | |22| W || the festive | | |23| T || cockroach | * * * * * | |24| F || haz fled @ | | |25| S || | Sekrets are cussid poor property | |26| G || @ winter draws | enny how; if yu cirkulate them | |27| M || ni @ _cold and_ | yu loze them, and if yu keep them | |28| T || _clammy_ @ kats | yu loze the interest on the | |29| W || swell with | investment. | |30| T || crossness @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_KALKULASHUNS OV A PROGNOSTIX NATUR._

Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow, or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time.

Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan prognostix what will cum next.

Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for harvesting.

If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them.

Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall.

Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood pile.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1871.

Q.--What is pity? @ @ @ @ @

A.--Cheap charity, @ @ @ @ @

_Now kil pigs and bucher hens, Murder geese and ducks that quack, Chop down wood, and sassage make, And evenings play----Hylojack._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _OYSTER PADDYS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ 1871 haz | One ov the fussyest scenes i | | 2| S || about pegged | ever beheld waz two old maids | | 3| G || out @ | waiting on one sick bachelor. | | 4| M || _bitter cold_ @ @ | | | 5| T || @ Homer waz a | * * * * * | | 6| W || good poet | | | 7| T || eggs dredful | Revenge iz just az natral to | | 8| F || uncommon @ | flow az milk,--yu will see little | | 9| S || _grate sno storm_ @ | boys club the post that they bump | |10| G || @ Congress iz a | their head against. | |11| M || sitting @ @ | | |12| T || _cold_ @ but don't | * * * * * | |13| W || @ hatch out ennything | | |14| T || @ _wind_ | Opinyuns are like turnips, worth | |15| F || _north_ @ @ | just what they will fetch. | |16| S || beware of false | | |17| G || proffits _ice iz_ | * * * * * | |18| M || _from 12 inches to_ | | |19| T || _a foot thick_ @ @ | Courage without discreshun, iz | |20| W || Soloman waz a | like a ram with horns on both | |21| T || smart man @ | ends, he will hav more fights on | |22| F || @ _sighns ov a thaw_ | hand, than he kan do justiss to. | |23| S || he waz a good | | |24| G || judge ov the sex @ | * * * * * | |25| M || _colder_ @ the | | |26| T || year drops its | When yu find a man who iz | |27| W || curtain @ _the wind_ | very solisitus about the welfare ov | |28| T || _moans_ @ farewell | everyboddy, yu kan safely put him | |29| F || my countrymen @ | down az one who iz hunting for a | |30| S || | misfortune. | |31| G || | | +--+---+-------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_LETTER TO FARMERS._

_Beloved Farmers_:

Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass.

Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.

Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs.

Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese.

The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.

What iz a lawyer?--What iz a merchant?--What iz a doktor?--What iz a minister?--I answer, nothing

A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.

Beloved farmers, adew.

Josh Billings.

_EXTRAKT OV LETTERS_.

_Fredom Senter, Nov. 17th, 1870._

FRIEND BILLINGS:

Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov man; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. _I remane thine._

_Obadiah Broadbrim._

* * * * *

MR. BILLINGS:

We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal.

_Editor of London Athaneum._

* * * * *

DEAR JOSH BILLINGS:

Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 17 cents for one allmanaxt; i am poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live mother.

_Charley Briggs, Jun._

* * * * *

_Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870._

DEAR MISSER JOSH:

The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871; it made dis chile perspire gratuitussly wid bliss.

Yure cullud person friend,

_Josepheen Johnsing._

* * * * *

MISTER JOSHUA BILLINGS:

I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would send me bi the barrow yure allmanaxes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874, exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure loveing friend, _Jerusha Sheldon_, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike.

_HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY._

The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16 year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars, klear ov awl debt.

* * * * *

The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time her husband will be a dentist or an alderman.

_ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN._

Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable quarterly in advance.

A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a missionary more than they do a klergyman.

Be sure and run the church; don't let the church run you.

Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's salary, after it once gits kold.

It iz so eazy to advise another fellow to set down in a dentists chair, and hav a big dubble tooth jerkt out, that i hav often wondered whi we didn't try it ourselfs.=

Less so. Josh Billings

I say to 2 thirds ov the ritch people in this world--make the most ov yure money, for it makes the most ov yu.=

Happy thought.--Josh Billings

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1872.

Q.--Who had the best artikle ov pashunce? @ @

A.--Job. His pashunce waz biled down to a spot. @ @

_A stirring man iz nabor Bush, Yu never ketched him idle; Six daze he works, and sundaze he Salts geese, and reads the bible._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _RAMRODS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Now pik geese @ | Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but | | 2| T || @ _awful_ | vanity alwus keeps _one I_ open. | | 3| W || _kold_ @ @ | | | 4| T || | | | 5| F || thou shalt not | * * * * * | | 6| S || commit | | | 7| G || swareing @ | Thare iz nothing in this world | | 8| M || @ @ _more sighns_ | that a man pays so hi a price for, | | 9| T || _ov kold_ | and gits so little ov hiz munny | |10| W || @ @ now bruize wood | back, as he duz for Repentance. | |11| T || @ _it iz kold_ @ | | |12| F || @ Jim | * * * * * | |13| S || Sheriden | | |14| G || born 1818 @ | I hav finally cum tew the | |15| M || _now expekt_ | konklushun, if a man kant be born | |16| T || _a thaw_ @ | but once, he had better issue | |17| W || @ Jim | proposals tew hav it dun sumwhare | |18| T || waz a | in Nu England. | |19| F || fiddler @ @ | | |20| S || @ _it duz thaw_ @ | | |21| G || @ thare are no | * * * * * | |22| M || fiddlers | | |23| T || in heaven @ | The only human being on the | |24| W || _thaw kontinues_ @ | face ov this earth that I really | |25| T || in kase ov | envy, iz a laffing Christian. | |26| F || doubt, lead | | |27| S || trumps @ | * * * * * | |28| G || @ _the thaw freezes_ | | |29| M || @ now | Men ov little authority are like | |30| T || mix | men ov little strength--alwus | |31| W || sassige @ @ @ | anxious tew lift sumthing. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY._

The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when he plays whist; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be kross-eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4 children, who will all pass through the meazles, with grate credit tew themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles.

* * * * *

The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will hav a phew failings; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be inklined tew gush a little. (_For the sake of variety we say, let her gush._)

* * * * *

_A GOOD FAMILY JOB._

(_To kure bed bugs._)

Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes and mingle with the gravy; then find a hoel in the ground that aint occupied; then pour the gravy into the hoel; then fasten up the hoel with 2 pounds ov gunpowder; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel; then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed.

29 Days.

FEBRUARY.

1872.

Q.--What iz the surest gait on the road? @ @

A.--A toll-gate. @ @

_Sim Blodget waz an awful brag, Alwus telling sumthing or nuther,---- "Square Brown and he kept 60 cows!" The square kept 59, and Sim the tuther._