Part 4

The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stummak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt Goat would be a literary curiosity.

_PREMIUMS._

_Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870._

To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33-1/8 dollars for riding a velosipede down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front teeth, and distorting hiz noze.

* * * * *

To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting drowned.

* * * * *

To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership in the mackerel club, for riding a velosipede over a nu milch cow, and splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1871.

Q.--Define the "fust impreshun." @ @

A.--A mother's kiss. @ @ @ @ @

_April phool was born this month, A simpleton, but clever; And tho 4000 years ov age, He's just az big a phool az ever._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _SHRIMPS._ | +---+--++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Liquid rain._ @ | A man with a very small head | | 2| G || The violet iz | iz like a pin without enny, very | | 3| M || blew * _showery_ @ | apt tew git into things beyond hiz | | 4| T || hark! tis the | depth. | | 5| W || noble bull | | | 6| T || frog's voice @ @ | * * * * * | | 7| F || _wet_ @ @ jews | Thare are menny people in this | | 8| S || harps diskovered | world who are like flies, grate | | 9| G || | bores without meaning it, or knowing| |10| M || @ 1296 @ | it,--"shoo fly." | |11| T || now plant | | |12| W || gardin sass @ @ | * * * * * | |13| T || @ Cupid born 95 | | |14| F || _look out_ | Falling in luv iz like falling into | |15| S || for some | molassis, sweet but dredful dobby. | |16| G || _wetness_ @ @ | | |17| M || Cupid is a lytle | * * * * * | |18| T || cuss @ | | |19| W || set out onions @ | When i see an old man marry a | |20| T || _sumwhat wetty_ @ | yung wife, i consider him starting | |21| F || @ now hath the | out on a bust, for i am reminded | |22| S ||winter of our diskontent| ov the parable about mixing nu | |23| G || @ _gentle_ | wine into old junk bottles. | |24| M || _showers_ @ finally | | |25| T || thawed out @ _look_ | * * * * * | |26| W || _out for rain 8_ no | | |27| T || kards @ _it duz rain_ | A lie iz like nitroglycerine, the | |28| F || @ Daniel Lambert | best judges kant tell when it iz a | |29| S || was very | going tew explode, and skatter a | |30| G || phatt @ | muss. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE MELODIUS CAT._

The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one; they are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very reasonable; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind ov a nite for cats neither.

_FAMILY NOSHUNS._

To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him.

To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint.

To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz jumps.

To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things).

Thare iz nothing so hard for us to understand, and so eazy for others, az that we hav fiddled our tune out.=

Kindly yure. Josh Billings

Thare iz no man so poor but what he kan afford to keep one dog,--and i hav seen them so poor, that they could afford to keep three.=

J. Billings Esq

31 Days. MAY. 1871.

Q.--What waz the name of Shakspear's dog? @

A.--Dog-Berry. @ @ @ @

_Now plant oats and gardin sass, Yoke geese, and black snakes kill; Set hens; set traps for thieving rats; Set what you please, but don't set still_.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ | +--|---||------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M ||@ Dandylions in | | | 2| T || market @ _Soft | The man who kant find enny | | 3| W || and barmy_ @ who | thing to do in this world, iz az bad| | 4| T || will be queen @ | oph az a yerling heifer. | | 5| F || @ @ of May @ | | | 6| S || _mild_ @ it is hard | * * * * * | | 7| G ||to tell [?] @ | | | 8| M || @ Job waz a | I luv tew see an old person joyfull | | 9| T ||pashunt man | but not kickuptheheelsfull. | |10| W || _refreshing wet_ @ | | |11| T || @ now ketch frogs | * * * * * | |12| F || _warm wetness_ @ | | |13| S || Job had biles @ _more | Don't lay enny certain plans | |14| G || warmy_ @ tax | for the fewter, it iz like planting | |15| M ||collektors | tuds and expekting tew raize | |16| T || loafing | tudstools. | |17| W || around @ now | | |18| T || chew lettuce @ _hot_| * * * * * | |19| F || @ _with rain_ @ | Thare iz no pashun ov the | |20| S ||pole yuer beans @ | human harte, that promises so | |21| G || @ _wind south_ | mutch, and pays so little az | |22| M || @ Noah Webster | _revenge_. | |23| T || waz a good speller | | |24| W || @ _sudden rain_ @ | * * * * * | |25| T || @ @ he had better | Thoze persons who spend all | |26| F || spells than | their time watching their simptoms, | |27| S || Billings @ _expekt | are the kind who _enjoy poor | |28| G || rain sprinkles_ | health_. | |29| M ||go in when it | | |30| T ||rains @ | | |31| W || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BRINY CODFISH._

The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so salt. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards.

If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage tew make the other two meals out of cold water.

(_Advertisement._)

_MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD._

For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance.

They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull it in two.

Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will hunt till it finds it.

Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house.

Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the litening in the naberhood.

30 Days. JUNE. 1871.

Q.--What iz a good "_counter irritant_"? @ @

A.--A young dri goods clerk.

_In this month, more than all the rest, Things seem tew jump their very best; Carrots and yungones, purp and kitten, Like Joner's gourd, are up, and gittin._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _PARSNIP STEW._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Now hunt | A kicking cow never lets drive | | 2| F ||for rozes @ | until just as the pail gets phull,--| | 3| S || _warm hotness_ @ | it iz jiss so with sum mens | | 4| G || @ the grasshopper | blunders. | | 5| M ||iz a burden @ | | | 6| T || @ _muggy wetness_ | * * * * * | | 7| W ||natur grows @ @ | | | 8| T || @ _hot_ @ | Whenever a minister haz | | 9| F || @ let her grow @ | preached a sermon that pleazes | |10| S ||now @ ho korn @ | the whole congregashun, he probably | |11| G || _wet sighns_ @ | haz preached one that the | |12| M || @ _ov more rain_ | Lord wont endorse. | |13| T ||more grasshoppers | | |14| W || born @ bet 10 | * * * * * | |15| T ||dollars it will | | |16| F ||rain @ | | |17| S ||pride goes @ before | It aint mutch trubble tew bear | |18| G ||a fall @ @ | the pain ov sumboddy else's lame | |19| M || @ @ _exquisite | back, but tew hav the lame back | |20| T || rains_ @ Jack and | onesself aint quite so stylish. | |21| W ||Gill went up | | |22| T ||the | * * * * * | |23| F ||hill @ 1357 @ @ | | |24| S || @ _hotter_ @ | The man who wont beleave | |25| G ||Jack @ and Gill | enny thing he kant see, aint so | |26| M ||cum down | wize az a mule, for they will kick | |27| T ||the hill 1358 @ | at a thing in the dark. | |28| W || @ now take it | | |29| T || eazy @ | | |30| F || | | +------++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE FREQUENT FLY._

The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git born i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned,--in milk-cans. Flys morally considered are like other human beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the wuss for flys.

_WANTED._

Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the females az they pass out.

Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco prefered.

No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a military coat, at twenty paces.

This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius.

Salary payable weekly.

References exchanged.

31 Days. JULY. 1871.

Q.--When iz a ship az sick az her passengers are? @

A.--When she heaves too. @ @ @

_Hornets now are on the wing, Red hot, and crazy for to sting: Oh, don't go ni the tarnal kritters! For they are sure, and pizon hitters._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _History._ | _GREEN GOOSE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Ice iz king | Every time a man laffs he takes | | 2| G || _hot and warm_ @ | a kink out ov the chain ov life, | | 3| M ||Sampson waz a | and thus lengthens it. | | 4| T || strong man _very hot_ | | | 5| W ||he could lift a | * * * * * | | 6| T || ton @ _hotter_ @ | | | 7| F ||with hiz | Three skore years and ten iz | | 8| S ||little finger @ | mans furlo, and it iz enuff,--if a | | 9| G || @ _hot increases_ @ | man kant suffer all the mizery he | |10| M || now beg for | wants in that time he must be | |11| T ||ice cream | numb. | |12| W || @ _thunder shower | | |13| T || in the west_ @ | * * * * * | |14| F || @ the goose iz not | | |15| S ||a game bird @ | A crowing hen, and a cackling | |16| G || @ _grate | rooster, are very misfortunate | |17| M || hotness_ @ @ mad | poultry in a family. | |18| T ||dorgs around @ _bileing | | |19| W || hot_ @ Noah | * * * * * | |20| T || had three sons | Man iz mi brother, and i konsider | |21| F || _thunder and_ @ @ | that i am nearer related tew | |22| S || @ _litening_ @ | him through hiz vices, than i am | |23| G || @ Noah | through hiz virtews. | |24| M || owned the ark @ | | |25| T || _much hot_ @ in | * * * * * | |26| W || @ Adam's fall | We should not forgit one thing-- | |27| T || @ we sinned all @ | thare iz not a sure thing on this | |28| F ||Yew bet, @ Andy | footstool,--even the best tooth | |29| S || Johnson waz a | in our head may fall tew akeing | |30| G || Taylor @ @ | before sunset and hav tew be | |31| M || | jerked out. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE READDY ROOSTER._

Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over, calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up the worm.

Jist like a man for all the world!

_HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS._

Tew git rid ov cockroaches,--sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the mountains.

Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service,--cut it out ov buckskin, and fri it tew a koal black on a greaseless griddle.

Tew pick out a good husband!--shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in the Lord.

Tew make a kat mad,--trod on her continuashun.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1871.

Q.--Why iz woman like an echo? @ @

A.--Bekauze she will hav the last word. @ @ @

_All nature bileth. Roosters pant and so do lizzards; The mules upon the dusty road Kan't raise a trot, to save their gizzards._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _History._ | _GIBLETS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || _warm with_ @ | | | 2| W || @ _hot streaks_ | Lazyness iz a good deal like | | 3| T || Jack | money,--the more a man haz ov | | 4| F || the giant killer @ | it the more he seems tew want. | | 5| S || _much hotness_ @ | | | 6| G || @ killed a giant | * * * * * | | 7| M || 1250 @ _look out | | | 8| T || for a grate hot_ @ | It iz hard work at fust sight, tew | | 9| W || the giant waz 25 | see the wisdom in a rattle snake | |10| T ||foot square @ @ | bite, but thare are thousand ov | |11| F || _hot_ @ @ @ in | folks who never think ov their sins | |12| S || his stocking feet | until they are bit bi a rattlesnake.| |13| G || _cooler_ @ oh for | | |14| M || a lodge in | * * * * * | |15| T || sum vast woods | | |16| W || _thunder and_ @ | "A poor, but dishonest cuss!"--this | |17| T || @ _litening_ @ | iz about az low down az | |18| F || on a straw matrass | enny man kan get, unless he drinks | |19| S || @ _more_ | whiskee. | |20| G || @ _hotter_ @ now | | |21| M || dig for mint | * * * * * | |22| T || juleps @ | | |23| W || _gigantik rain_ @ | Living on hope iz like living on | |24| T || @ let her drizzle | wind, a good way tew git phull | |25| F || _very heaty_ @ @ | but a poor way tew git phatt. | |26| S || meazles diskovered | | |27| G || @ 1600 @ _hot_ | * * * * * | |28| M || snakes lively @ my | | |29| T || name iz | It iz human tew err,--but devlish | |30| W || Norval @ | tew brag on it. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE DOOCED MONKEY._

The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey terrier in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the school boy,--and probably for similar reasons. They are sumtimes kept az pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with _Baldwin The Clothiers_ trademark,--C. O. D.

_KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LAWS._

1. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down cellar and duz it.

2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matrimony unless she kan make a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp place, without loseing its twist.

3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu England rum.

4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury, who aint handy with the 10 commandments.

If a young man haint got a well ballanced hed, i like to see him part hiz hair in the middle.=

Dont yu, Josh Billings

It iz one ov the hardest things on earth for a man to learn,--that he plays a third rate game ov whist.=

No doubt, Josh Billings

30 Days.

SEPTEMBER.

1871.

Q.--What is wealth? @ @ @

A.--Baggage at the risk of the owner. @ @

_The carrion crow sits straddle the fence, Trying az hard az he can to weep, Az he thinks ov death and its consequence To spavined hosses and rickety sheep._