Part 3

3d. In negotiating for sassige, do yure bizzness with the bolony men, then you kno what yu are gitting yu kant alwus tell what country sassige kontains.

* * * * *

4th. Be kind tew cockroaches, for they often make a plate of butter last a whole week, and when you pray, alwus pray for the light eaters.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1870.

Q.--What iz the eazyest vittles tew digest? @

A.--A good joke. @ @ @

_Pick apples now, and cider make, And in a barrel juice it, Then git a straw, without a flaw, And through the straw seduce it._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SHOE PEGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || _Sour cold_ @ a | | | 2| W || @ @ stampede in | A debt iz alwus a growing, if | | 3| T || Brigham (@) | it dont gro in size, it grows in | | 4| F || Youngs family @ | heft. | | 5| S || @ _more cold_ @ he | | | 6| G || suddenly bekums @ | * * * * * | | 7| M || unwedded @ _more_ | There iz lots ov folks in the | | 8| T || [@@] _sour_ @ for a | world, who covet misfortins jist | | 9| W || large () amount | for the luxury ov grunting. | |10| T || _rain_ @ and iz | | |11| F || @ left a 75 hoss | * * * * * | |12| S || power widdower @ | | |13| G || @ _clammy and raw_ | Hope iz a draft on fewturity, | |14| M || Brigham burys @ | sumtimes honored, but generally | |15| T || himself in @ | extended. | |16| W || weeds @ _blustering_ | | |17| T || @ at the bottom ov @ | * * * * * | |18| F || his garden patch @ | Prosperity makes phools, and | |19| S || @ _cold with sourness_ | adversity cures them. | |20| G || Brother Brigham | | |21| M || rallys @ _sighns ov_ | * * * * * | |22| T || _snow_ @ he iz sealed | | |23| W || seven times in one | A dandy iz one ov Fashion's | |24| T || day @ @ _sour_ | Eunuchs. | |25| F || _with wetness_ @ @ | | |26| S || * sealing wax | * * * * * | |27| G || advances 10 @ @ | If yu want a true friend, hire | |28| M || [*] cents on a stick | him bi the month, and pay him | |29| T || now chop wood @ | fair wages. | |30| W || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_DECEMBER MONOGRAPH._

This iz the last month in the Josh Billings Farmers Alminax. Other dutys, ov a maskuline natur hav forced us tew haul in our gang plank. We would like tew hav hung on a month or two longer, and made a big thing ov it. Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Mountains, tew their new reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the undertakin, but i have bin told by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me.

_FAMILY MEDICINE._

_Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve._

A thing well stuck, iz stuck forever. This salve will stick enny man. It will undoubtedly stick the "coming man." It haz stuck every man that haz cum yet. No family should be without this matchless sticker. (Unless they are too much stuck up allreddy.) It iz put up in sticks twenty feet long, To stick a man at a distance.

31 Days.

DECEMBER.

1870.

Q.--Let us hear yu define water? @ @ @ @ @

A.--Water iz,----iz goose bitters. @ @ @ @ @

_Pile hi the harth, with beechen wood, Load down the kitchen table, Fill up the old klay pipe, And go it while yure able._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _GOOD BYES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ _Cold_ @ @ | | | 2| F || _snow_ now @ @ | I thank God most fervently for | | 3| S || inflate sassige @ | one thing, and that iz, when | | 4| G || "Necessity iz the | everyboddy else iz happy, i am | | 5| M || @ () mother ov | sure to be. | | 6| T || invenshun" @ @ | | | 7| W || @ _more snow_ @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || invenshun waz born | | | 9| F || in Nu England @ | Love iz sed tew be blind, but i | |10| S || @ _cold_ @ Plymouth | kno lots ov phellows in love, who | |11| G || rock discovered @ | kan see twice az mutch in their | |12| M || 1620 @ punch fires | sweethearts as i kan. | |13| T || @ @ Old Zip | | |14| W || Coon died | * * * * * | |15| T || 1840 @ _snow_ @ too | | |16| F || much hard @ | | |17| S || cider floored him @ | If yu want tew git a sure krop, | |18| G || @ @ _bitter cold_ @ | and a big yield, sow wild oats. | |19| M || @ Santy Claws | | |20| T || created @ year | * * * * * | |21| W || disputed @ thare | | |22| T || iz menny a @ @ | | |23| F || @ rose born tew @ | The chains ov slavery are none | |24| S || blush unseen @ @ | the lighter for being made ov | |25| G || @ espeshilly negroes | gold. | |26| M || [-] _more colder_ [- | | |27| T || 1870 dies @ | * * * * * | |28| W || pile on the @ | | |29| T || @ @ bedclothes ¶ @ | In youth we run into difikultys, | |30| F || good night @ @ @ @ @ | in old age, difikultys run into us. | |31| S || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870._

There will be eklipses this year which have been overlooked by other Allminax makers.

* * * * *

_First._--Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men.

* * * * *

_Second._--There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully for the old gentleman.)

* * * * *

_Third._--Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and cantering around promiskuss.

* * * * *

_Fourth._--Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the _Year 1870_, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov the JOSH BILLINGS' FARMERS' ALLMINAX.

Pordunk Valley Rail Road.

RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS.

1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a single track.

2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the platforms,--menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform drop from under him.

3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are.

4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew the president of the road.

5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum untill the fine iz paid.

6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "_thou shalt not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another_."

7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests.

HOW THEY DO TALK

ABOUT

Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax

FOR THE YEAR 1870.

"Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh Billings' allminax for 1870."

* * * * *

"It kured mi wife ov wanting to die."

* * * * *

"It iz like peper sass in a hot day."

* * * * *

"The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov ginger popp."

* * * * *

"When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a full blown dandylion."

* * * * *

"It gave me grate presence ov mind."

* * * * *

"My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure allminaxes."

* * * * *

"How cooling, and perforating it iz."

_THE NATRAL HORNET_

The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors.

_DOMESTIK RECEIPTS._

To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the yung ones will hook them.

* * * * *

To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express train.

* * * * *

To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him pleasantly.

* * * * *

To cure herring,--use Godfrey's Kordial.

_THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH._

The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date. They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins; thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach. Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan't swim, but that he kan float for a long time.

_HINTS TEW YUNG WIFES._

1. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu.

* * * * *

2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav for him.

* * * * *

3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor sister.

* * * * *

4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick, and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder.

I notiss one thing,--the man who rides on the kars every day, iz satisfied with one seat, but he who rides once a year, wants 4.=

That's so. Josh Billings

The man whom yu kant git to write poetry, or tell the truth, untill yu git him haff drunk aint worth the investment.=

No sir. Josh Billings

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1871.

Q.--Who waz the best dead beat? @ @

A.--Cain: he dead beat his brother Abel. @ @

_He who by the plough would thrive, Must no 2 forty kattle drive, But worry the ground to and fro, With horned kritters who skasely seem to go._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _HASH ON TOAST._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ _Grate cold_ @ @ | | | 2| M || Adam born @ @ | All the good injuns die young. | | 3| T || _cold grows_ @ | | | 4| W || @ @ Adam had no | * * * * * | | 5| T || mother [@] @ | Mankind love misterys, a hole | | 6| F || @ _simptoms ov a_ | in the ground excites more wonder | | 7| S || _thawness_ @ bi | than a star up in heaven. | | 8| G || industry we thrive | | | 9| M || _it looks like snow_ | * * * * * | |10| T || Eve born @ _8_ | | |11| W || _i shouldn't wonder_ | Jist about az cerimonys creep | |12| T || _if it did snow_ | into one end ov a church, piety | |13| F || Eve waz a | backs out at the other. | |14| S || success @ @ @ | | |15| G || grate sassige riot | * * * * * | |16| M || in 1612 @ @ | | |17| T || now haul ice @ @ | Blessed are they who hav no | |18| W || 50,000 sassige | eye for a key hole. | |19| T || destroyed @ _a thaw_ | | |20| F || _threatens_ @ Adam | * * * * * | |21| S || waz a confiding man | Don't mistake vivacity for wit, | |22| G || thaw more threatensome | thare iz about az mutch difference | |23| M || @ he took | az thare iz between lightning and | |24| T || the chances § | a lightning bug. | |25| W || _colder_ @ @ @ | | |26| T || and got badly beat | * * * * * | |27| F || @ @ _mercury_ | | |28| S || @ _an inch_ @ @ | A coquett in love iz az tame az | |29| G || belo zero @ @ | a bottle ov ginger pop that haz | |30| M || @ @ beware of the | stood sum time with the corck | |31| T || gout @ @ @ @ | pulled out. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE UNIVERSAL SWINE._

The Swine, (almost always) hav four legs, tho thare iz sum remarkable exceptshuns to this rule. Swine are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what is sot before them, and don't ask enny phoolish questions. The Swine kan be larnt a great menny amusing things, sich az highsting the front gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to git into the cornfield, but it iz dredful hard work for them tew find the same hole tew git out at, espeshily if yu are in a hurry to hav them. This haz never bin fully explained, but speaks vollums for the swine. Swine can all root well, a swine that kant root well, iz a poor job.

_HINTS TEW YUNG HUSBANDS._

1. Marriage iz a fair transackshun on the face of it.

* * * * *

2. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.

* * * * *

3. Sum marry for pedigree and feel big for six months, and then cum tew the conklusion, that pedigree aint no better than skim-milk.

* * * * *

4. Sum marry tew pleaze their relashuns and are surprized that their relashuns don't kare a cuss for them afterwards.

* * * * *

5. Marry Yung!--thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz,--a seckond marriage.

28 Days.

FEBRUARY.

1871.

Q.--What iz the best thing out yet for real comfort? @ @

A.--An aking tooth. @ @ @

_Now gather round the kitchen fire, And pile the chunks on hier and hier, Git out the old fiddle and partners choose, And shake her down in your cowhide shoes._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _History._ | _CHICKEN SALLAD._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ @ How doth the | | | 2| T || little bizzy bee @ | Thare iz one kritter in this | | 3| F || _it snows_ @ @ @ | world whoze troubles yu kant | | 4| S || sting evry good | console, and that is a setting hen. | | 5| G || chance he kan git | | | 6| M || now slaughter wood | * * * * * | | 7| T || @ @ _hazy_ @ @ | Thare iz nothing like a sick | | 8| W || Jo Smith created | bed for repentance, a man bekums | | 9| T || @ 1818 @ | so virtewous he will often repent | |10| F || sum snow at Montreal | ov sins that he never committed. | |11| S || @ @ | | |12| G || Jo Smith manufakterd | * * * * * | |13| M || mormons @ | One ov the hardest things, for | |14| T || _squally_ @ @ out of | enny man to do, iz tew fall down | |15| W || phools @ @ | on the ice when it iz wet, and | |16| T || @ virtew iz her own | then git up, and praze the Lord. | |17| F || paymaster @ | | |18| S || _bitter cold_ @ @ | * * * * * | |19| G || Jo waz not a polly | Gravity iz no more posatiff | |20| M || gamist @ @ | evidence ov wisdum, than a paper | |21| T || @ @ _sum more_ | collar iz ov a shirt. | |22| W || _coldness_ @ @ | | |23| T || bully for Jo @ @ | * * * * * | |24| F || grind stuns fust | | |25| S || diskovered 1500 ¶ | Curiosity often gets a mouse | |26| G || _raw but cold_ @ @ | into a trap,--jist so it duz other | |27| M || @ whooping cough | folks. | |28| T || iz ketching @ @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM_.

Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a living. The angleworm, tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing. I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze. Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet--(to ketch fish with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day Sunday for daice in a mill-pond.

_HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE._

To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump.

* * * * *

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

* * * * *

To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly.

31 Days.

MARCH.

1871.

Q.--Who iz the coming man?

A.--The female suffragist.

_Dear girls and boys, take mi advice, And don't go on the rotten ice; For many a gal has fell chuck in, And thus has ketched her final ducking._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _History_ | _CAPER SAUCE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || _Streaks ov wind_ | Natur never makes enny blunders; | | 2| T || @ haul in yure | when she makes a phool, | | 3| F || close line @ @ | she means it. | | 4| S || | | | 5| G || @ _windy_ @ @ | * * * * * | | 6| M || de gustibus non | | | 7| T || et cetera @ @ | Thare iz sum pholks in this | | 8| W || @ _skey overkast_ @ | world who spend their whole lives | | 9| T || | a hunting after righteousness, and | |10| F || ignorance iz bliss @ | kant find enny time tew praktiss | |11| S || @ bring out yure | it. | |12| G || geese @ @ @ | | |13| M || @ _cold wind_ @ | * * * * * | |14| T || | Human happiness iz like the | |15| W || and let them March | Hottentot language, enny boddy | |16| T || _windy windness_ | kan talk it well enuff, but thare | |17| F || @ use Higinbottoms | aint but phew kan understand it. | |18| S || | | |19| G || pills @ @ @ | * * * * * | |20| M || @ _wet rain_ @ | | |21| T || they are az mild | Grate transgreshuns seem tew | |22| W || az a juice harp @ | baptize themselfs,--if the Devil | |23| T || John Rogers died | had only bin gilty ov pettit | |24| F || 1683 @ @ | larceny, he never would hav bin | |25| S || _sum more wind_ @ | heard ov agin. | |26| G || he fell in the | | |27| M || fire @ @ @ | * * * * * | |28| T || @ _8_ now tap for | | |29| W || maple sugar @ | I dont kno ov enny thing more | |30| T || @ _hi winds_ @ @ | remorseless, on the face ov the | |31| F || § life iz uncertain @ | earth, than 7 per cent interest. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BELLYCOSE GOAT._