Part 23

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _HOT STUFF._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ _Cool_ @ now @ | | | 2| T || _and_ @ pik @ @ | Yung man studdy politeness, | | 3| W || @ _kloudy_ @ geese @ | even if yu ask a man for hiz | | 4| T || Dave @ @ @ _rainy_ | tooth pik, after he haz got dun | | 5| F || @ Pettibone @ | using it, dont fale to thank him | | 6| S || _w-i-n-d_ m-a-r-r-i-d | politely for it. | | 7| G || @ @ _noth_ he @ @ | | | 8| M || _East_ @ @ @ marrid | * * * * * | | 9| T || _more_ @ for @ | | |10| W || @ _wetty_ @ luv | Lasting friendships kan only | |11| T || @ now @ _cooler_ @ | exist between equals, superiority | |12| F || chew @ @ @ _more_ | insists upon respekt, and inferior- | |13| S || @ apples @ _cooler_ @ | ity iz too often apt to excite | |14| G || ----Solaman---- | pitty. | |15| M || @ @ @ _slight_ @ | | |16| T || mutch @ _frost_ @ | * * * * * | |17| W || | | |18| T || @ @ wives @ _now_ | If yu want to find out a man's | |19| F || -- _windy_ @ the -- | tru karakter examin him at home | |20| S || _warmy_ @ litening | bi the fire side, here he iz the | |21| G || @ _cool_ @ bug @ | hero ov the ockashun, and iz | |22| M || _nights_ @ @ @ puts | angelick, or devlish, in spite ov | |23| T || -- @ _wind_ @ in @ -- | himself. | |24| W || _southy_ : ---- : an | | |25| T || @ @ _more_ @ @ | * * * * * | |26| F || -a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e- | | |27| S || _wetful_ -- Gen.@ @ | | |28| G || @ _windy_ @ Jackson | Thare aint no sutch things az | |29| M || _wet_ * would @ @ | invenshuns, all things that we hav | |30| T || -- @ @ sware @ @ -- | are diskoverys. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE APPLE DUMPLIN._

The dumplin are about the natral size ov yure phist, made out ov dough, and filled with apples. They are served up hot, with sum sweet-tasteing liniment on them, and are az eazy to struggle with az a sugar-plum. They aint so good kold az they ought to be. Kold dumplin, and raw potatoe, eat similar. I never et apple dumplin yet, without thanking the Lord for that one, and the Landlady for another one. Four apple dumplins, at one sitting, iz just about mi size. I wish i knu who invented theze kind-hearted balls, i would like to weep over hiz memory. Punkin pi, and apple dumplin, hav dun az mutch to civilize man az enny two missionarys that hav ever lived. Good vittles iz next to good morals enny how. Yu may talk about virtew az mutch az yu pleze, yu kant never inokulate a man with virtew fust rate on an empty stummuk. Giv a man four apple dumplin, with sum good kind ov ointment on them, and after he haz et them, and they hav settled down to hard pan, yu kan krawl up to him on either side, with a dose of morality, or even sum new kind of sope, for taking spots out ov clothes.

_A STATEMENT._

Thare iz nothing about a man that will outlast a nikname, it will stik to him, az long az a bobtale will to a dog.

* * * * *

Most people repent ov their sins bi thanking God they aint so wicked az their nabors.

Thare iz one thing i notiss.--When a man falls down on the ice, whare the water iz an inch, and a haff deep, he never seems to feel proud ov the job =

Josh Billings

The goose, like sumother folks, haz more politeness than thare iz enny need ov.--i hav seen them lower their heds, in going into a barn door, 18 foot high.=

I hav. Josh Billings

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _WILD FLOWERS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ _Frostly_--now | Virtew iz the only standard to | | 2| T || _winde_ @ ask @ @ | mezzure men, or things by, it iz | | 3| F || @ _sharp_ @ for | possible to be grate, and devlish | | 4| S || Jake @ sum @ | at the same time. | | 5| G || @ -Tanner- @ | | | 6| M ||nu @ died @ s-i-d-e-r | * * * * * | | 7| T || @ _cool_ @ Jake @ | | | 8| W || _wind_ @ waz | Thare iz only one kind ov person | | 9| T || @ _northy_ @ hit @ | who iz fit to liv in solitude, | |10| F || _sharp_ @ @ @ | and he iz the one who iz capable | |11| S || @ @ by @ _frost_ | ov adorning enny posishun in | |12| G || @ a @ _last_ @ | sosiety. | |13| M || @ muel @ _night_ @ | | |14| T || --B-o-n-a-p-a-r-t-- | * * * * * | |15| W || _kold_ @ @ @ waz | | |16| T ||% @ % _leaves_ %@% | Thoze who hav real merit are | |17| F || ov @ @ @ _are_ | the last ones to see it in them- | |18| S || @ @ french @ @ | selfs, and the fust ones to see it | |19| G || @ _falling_ @ | in others. | |20| M || @ p-a-r-i-e-n-t-s @ | | |21| T || now @ @ @ | * * * * * | |22| W || @ @ _still_ @ hunt | | |23| T || _kolder_ @ @ for | If thare ever iz a perfektly | |24| F || @ _windy_ @ @ @ | happy person found in this | |25| S || @ @ chesnutts @ | world, it will be the one who haz | |26| G || @ @ E-v-e @ @ | got but little, and dont want | |27| M || _more_ § @ § @ § @ | enny thing more. | |28| T || @ _kold_ @ died @ | | |29| W || @ Early @ | | |30| T || | | |31| F || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_PUNKIN PI._

Punkin pi iz the sass ov Nu England. They are vittles and drink, they are joy on the haff-shell, they are glory enuff for one day, and are good kold or warmed up. I would like to be a boy again, just for sixty minnitts, and eat miself phull ov the blessed old mixtur. Enny man who dont luv punkin pi, wants watching cluss, for he means to do sumthin mean the fust good chance he kan git. Giv me all the punkin pi i could eat, when i waz a boy, and i didn't kare whether sunday-skool kept that day or not. And now that i hav grown up to manhood, and hav run for the legislature once, and only got beat 856 votes, and am thoroly marrid, thare aint nothing i hanker for wuss, and kan bury quicker, than two-thirds ov a good old-fashioned punkin pi, an inch and a halff thik, and well smelt up, with ginger and nutmeg. Punkin pi iz the oldest Amerikan beverage i kno ov, and ought to go down to posterity with the trade mark ov our grandmothers on it; but i am afrade it wont, for it iz tuff even now to find one that tastes in the mouth at all az they did 40 years ago.

_REMARKS._

Noboddy really luvs to be cheated, but it duz seem az tho every one waz anxious to see how near they could cum to it.

* * * * *

The wust tyrant in the world iz the wife ov a henpekt husband.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _FALLING LEAVES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Chilly_ @ the | Lasting reputashuns are ov a | | 2| G || _windful_ @ snake | slo growth, the man who wakes | | 3| M || @ now @ seeks @ | up famus sum morning, iz very | | 4| T || _puntch_ @ hiz | apt to go to bed sum night and | | 5| W || @ _fires_ @ den @ | sleep it all off. | | 6| T || Fred @ @ _kolder_ | | | 7| F || @ Smith @ _it_ @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| S || @ _rains_ @ waz @ | | | 9| G || @ @ _snowy_ @ a @ | Man waz kreated a little lower | |10| M || _now_ @ @ @ Stage | than the angells, and he haz been | |11| T || @ _pay_ @ driver @ | a gitting a little lower ever since.| |12| W || _taxes_ @ @ @ Fred | | |13| T || @ _now_ @ drove @ | * * * * * | |14| F || _pay_ @ @ @ from | | |15| S ||_pew_ Belchertown @ | A man with a very small hed | |16| G || @ _rent_ @ into | on him iz like a pin without | |17| M || _now_ @ Boston @ @ | enny, very apt to git into things | |18| T || @ _visit_ @ _it_ @ | beyond hiz depth. | |19| W ||_the_ @ @ @ _grows_ | | |20| T || @ _diskonsolate_ @ | * * * * * | |21| F || _raw_ @ @ the | | |22| S || @ _wind_ Siamese @ | I hav seen folks who i thought | |23| G || _lifts_ @ twins @ | had too mutch propriety, it would | |24| M || @ _more_ @ hav @ | be a relief to see them do sumthing | |25| T || _snow_ @ departed | just a little phoolish, once | |26| W || @ our @ _rainy_ @ | in a while. | |27| T ||fourfathers @ _hard_ | | |28| F || @ hav @ _frost_ @ | | |29| S || gone @ @ alass @ | | |30| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_PERSONALS._

⁂ H. J. B.--If the lady with lavender poodle, would like tew swop dogs, Barney O'Toole iz her man.

B. O'TOOLE.

* * * * *

⁂ D.--Dont menshun it; mum iz the word. Star ov buty, the goose hangeth hi.

LOVER.

* * * * *

⁂ SWEETNESS.--Virtew iz her own cashier; the violet iz blu; the racoon haz a bushy tail; man waz made tew mourn; meet me at the pea-nut stand.

HARROLD.

* * * * *

⁂ SPONGKAKE.--Dost luv me? The kold moon listened when yu breathed a vow in Bridget Costello's ear; dont go back on me Patrik, if thou dost, be jabbers i will hav satisfackshun.

BRIDGET.

* * * * *

⁂ BILL MUSTACH.--Dont put on airs; how about that box ov 5 cent cigars yu owe for? Yure wash-woman mourns yure abscence.

SAM PEEL.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | | @ || _The Slate._ | _FAG ENDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ _Bitter_ @ now | | | 2| T || _k.o-l-d_ @ @ @ set | The world all praze the philo- | | 3| W || @ _it_ @ _snows_ @ | sophers, but toss their pennys into | | 4| T || @ @ down @ @ | the caps ov the monkeys. | | 5| F || @ _kolder_ @ @ @ | | | 6| S || @ before @ _now_ @ | | | 7| G || the @ @ @ _drink_ | * * * * * | | 8| M || @ kitchen @ _hot_ @ | | | 9| T || _stuff_ @ @ @ @ fire | It iz allwus safe to follow the | |10| W || @ _more_ @ now @ | religious beleaf that our Mother | |11| T || _snow_ @ @ @ krak | taught us,--thare never waz a | |12| F || @ _high_ @ wallnuts @ | Mother yet, who taught her child | |13| S || _winds_ @ @ @ now | to be an infidel. | |14| G || @ _big_ @ post @ | | |15| M || @ @ _s-t-o-r-m_ @ @ | | |16| T || @ @ Books @ | * * * * * | |17| W || _sleety_ @ @ @ now | | |18| T || @ _more_ @ read @ | | |19| F || @ @ _stormy_ @ @ | Employment iz the grate boon | |20| S || A§l§l§m§i§n§a§x | ov life, a man with nothing to do, | |21| G || @ _now it thaws_ @ | iz not haff so interesting, az a | |22| M || sing @ _kolder_ @ @ | ripening turnip. | |23| T || @ @ psalms @ now | | |24| W || @ _snow_ @ @ Eat @ | | |25| T || @ @ @ @ pork | * * * * * | |26| F || @ _feet_ @ _and_ @ | | |27| S || @ _d*e*e*p_ @ @ @ | | |28| G || @ @ @ _beans_ | Sarkasm iz a keen weapon, but | |29| M || Good @ Bye | in handling it, menny people take | |30| T || @ @ Boys @ @ | holt ov the blade, insted of the | |31| W || Yours, @ @ @ J. B. | handle. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

* * * * * * * * * *

ECCENTRICITIES OF GENIUS

By Major J. B. Pond.

READ WHAT IS SAID OF IT.

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=THE KING OF HONEY ISLAND, (45th Thousand.)=