Part 22

Three kard monte iz a game ov chance, the chance iz, that yu will git badly beat, unless yu play it alone. When thare iz 2 plays the game, sumbody iz bound to git hurt. Girls are a more risky crop to raize than boys, if a boy makes a bad blunder, he kan wipe out the slate once, or even twice, and begin again, but a girl kant. I kant tell who old Probabilitiz iz, but he iz a smart kuss, aint he? Whiskee iz one ov the tonicks, i think, but i aint sure, i kno it iz one ov the tanglelegs, for I hav seen it tried often. Yu kan sell a fast horse in Nu York at yure own price, provided he iz fast enuff. But dont bring enny 3 minnitt kattle to Nu York, the ice kream, and the milk men, drive faster than that. Our old fellows, in Nu York, menny ov them who hav seen 70 years, when they go out onto the hard roads, dont take enny but 2.25 dust. Speaking ov kats mi opinyun remains unchanged, they are az full ov flaws, az a March wind iz. Yu kan make a lawyer, or a minister ov your son, either ov them are decent callings enuff, but neither ov them will make him respektabel, unless they are well filled Nuzepaper hacks are harder workt, and poorer fed, than livery stable horses. Authors, and skribblers, az a klass, are a self konsaited, and seedy set, and I believe a literary man, when he gits poor, and shiny, iz the poorest looking kritter on the footstool.

_LINT._

No atheist, with all hiz boasted bravery, haz ever dared to advertize his beleaf, on hiz tomb stun

* * * * *

A baby iz a necessity, but twins allwuss did seem to me, to be ov a spekulative natur.

30 Days. APRIL. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _DOOR KNOBS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ April _now_ | | | 2| W ||@ fool @ _pluk_ @ | Caushun iz a good thing for a | | 3| T ||@-_r-a-i-n-y_-@ | man to hav, but when he haz got | | 4| F ||@ @ _dandylions_ @ @ | so mutch ov it, that he iz afrade | | 5| S ||_more_ @......@ Julia | to tutch a kast iron lion, for fear | | 6| G ||@ *w*e*t*f*u*l*l* | it will bite, ignoranse iz what's | | 7| M ||@ @ Higgins @ @ | the matter ov him. | | 8| T ||_warm_ @ § @ § @ died | | | 9| W ||@ _wet_ @ _rain_ @ | * * * * * | |10| T ||1874 @ @ @ Julia | | |11| F ||@ @ _much_ @ was @ @ | In courtship i hav allwus advised | |12| S ||_m o i s t_ ---- a | the oblique rather than the | |13| G || § prude ¦ _now_ § | vertikal process, if yure mistress | |14| M ||_wetty_ @ _the_ | diskovers too mutch anxiety in | |15| T ||@ David § _goose_ @ | yu, she iz sure to diskover less | |16| W ||slu @ @ _yells_ | in herself. | |17| T ||@ .... Golier .... @ | | |18| F ||_Expekt_ @ _windy_ | | |19| S || | * * * * * | |20| G ||@ _frogs_ @ _snow_ @ | | |21| M ||_m-o-r-e_ @ _s-o-w_ | Thare aint nothing that a man | |22| T || @ _wind_ @ | will thrive so well on az abuse | |23| W ||@ _gardin_ @ @ @ @ | that aint merited. | |24| T ||.. James .. _sass_ . | | |25| F ||@ @ @ _much_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | |26| S || @ Bukannan @ | | |27| G ||.... *_cooler_ iz* .... | Whenever yu cum akrost a | |28| M ||ded @ @ @ @ sitch | man who distrusts everyboddy, | |29| T ||@ _more_ @ iz @ | yu hav found one whom it is safe | |30| W ||@ @ _rain_ life @ @ | for everyboddy to distrust. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE MUSKEETER._

Muskeeters are a game bug, but they wont bite at a hook. Thare iz millyuns ov them kaught every year, but not with a hook, this makes the market for them unstiddy, the supply allways exceeding the demand. The muskeeto iz born on the sly, and cums to maturity quicker than enny other ov the domestik animiles. A muskeeter at 3 hours old iz just az reddy, and anxious, to go into bizzness for himself, az ever he iz, and bites the fust time az sharp, and natral, az red pepper duz. The muskeeter haz a good ear for musik, and sings without notes. The song ov the musketo iz monotonous to sum folks, but in me it stirs up the memorys ov other days. I hav lade awake, all nite long, menny a time and listened to the sweet anthems ov the muskeeter. I am satisfied that thare want nothing made in vain, but i kant help thinking how mighty kluss the musketoze kum to it. The muskeeter haz inhabited this world since its kreashun, and will probably hang around here until bizzness closes. Whare the muskeeter goes to in the winter iz a standing konumdrum, which all the naturalists hav giv up, but we kno he dont go far, for he iz on hand early each year with hiz probe fresh ground, and polished. Muskeeters must be one ov the luxurys ov life, they certainly aint one ov the necessarys, not if we kno ourselfs.

_SNOW BALLS._

Thare iz a time for all things, and the best time to hold our tungs, iz when we feel az tho we had the most to say.

* * * * *

The man who gambles, or drinks whiskey, kant chooze hiz assoshiates.

If yu trade horses with a jockey yu kant git cheated but once.--but if yu trade with a deakon yu may git cheated twice.--once in the horse, and once in the deakon =

Perhaps. Josh Billings

Patience iz a good thing for a man to hav. but when he haz got so mutch ov it. that he kan fish all day long, without enny bate on hiz hook,--Lazyness, iz what's the matter ov him.=

Exackly so. Josh Billings

31 Days. MAY. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _BIRDS' EGGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Soft_ ¶ now @ | | | 2| F || @ _and_ @ stik @ | | | 3| S || _sunny_ §--§--§ in | It iz bad enuff to be a fust rate | | 4| G || @ peas _sum_ @ | monkey, but to be a third rate | | 5| M || --Obadiah-- | one iz more disastrous than to be | | 6| T || | an idiot. | | 7| W || _r_|_a_|_i_|_n_| | | | | | 8| T || *-*-*-*@Farnharm | | | 9| F || @_more_ waz@ | * * * * * | |10| S || @ _soft_ a @ | | |11| G || @millerite@ | Thare iz no sure kure for lazyness, | |12| M || ----_wetly_---- | but i hav known a seckond | |13| T || @*now @ _mild_*@ | wife to hurry it sum. | |14| W || ....| snatch |... | | |15| T || _cool_ @ @ @ @ @ | | |16| F || @ @ @ @ @ lettiss | * * * * * | |17| S || @ @ C*a*i*n @ @ | | |18| G || _more_----|@|---- | | |19| M || _rain_ @ @ @ hit | It iz the suprizes ov life that | |20| T || @ _wind_ @ Able @ | add most to our plezzures; one | |21| W || _southy_ § now | man iz suprized with a legacy | |22| T || @ _butiful_ sot @ | from a ritch unkle, another, that | |23| F || : : _weather_ : : | the old spekled hen haz just cum | |24| S || : h : e : n : s : | off the nest, with 27 chickens. | |25| G || _more_ @ @ @ Gen. | | |26| M || @--@ _cooler_ @--@ | | |27| T || @ Grant @ | * * * * * | |28| W || _w_*_i_*_n_*_d_----§@ | | |29| T || waz @ _north_ @ a | Gamblers, nor infidels, havn't | |30| F || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | faith enuff in their profeshions, to| |31| S || a @ _wet_ @ tanner | teach it to their children. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BEAN._

Next to rhy bread, beans hav been called by the poets, and philosphers the cumfort, and staff ov life. The bean iz all food, thare iz no more waste in them, than thare iz in a pint ov cold water, when a man iz auphull dry. Beans are all colors, and most shapes, flat, round, oblong, square, and 3 cornered, and a quart ov them put into a pot, and biled 2 hours, will meazzure a gallon, and a haff, when they cum out. This makes them a better dividend paying seed than enny thing we kno ov. Beans are az old az Esau, he sold out for bean porridge. Beans gro on the jump, and thare aint but phew things that kan beat a bean klimbing a pole. I luv beans, but dont hanker for them. But beans, and me wont quarrell. Baked beans are a grate necessity in Nu England, and not to hav a platter ov them for Sunday dinner, iz lookt upon thare az being stuck-up to the neighbors. One ov the old blue laws ov Massachusetts waz, "_thou shalt eat baked beans on Sunday._" I kan remember now ov eating baked beans, and rhy, and injun bread every Sunday, when i waz a boy, and luving it, bekauze i waz obliged to.

_EXAMINE._

The happyest time in enny ones life, iz the fust 20 minnitts after they hav had an akeing tooth jerkt out.

* * * * *

Imaginashun never filled a man's stummak yet, yu kant git pork, and beans, by dreaming about them.

30 Days. JUNE. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _BLOSSOMS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ _Hottish_ @ _now_ | | | 2| M || A-b-e-l @ @ @ | Yu kan possibly argy a man | | 3| T || @ _so_ @ _peas_ @ | out ov hiz religion, but you kant | | 4| W || @ @ Young @ @ | out ov the color ov hiz nektye, | | 5| T || _rainy_ @ departed | or the squeeze ov hiz boots. | | 6| F || @ _wind_ @ 1851 @ | | | 7| S || @ _Easty_ @ Abel @ | | | 8| G || _hotter_ @ @ died | * * * * * | | 9| M || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | | |10| T || young @ _cooler_ @ @ | | |11| W || @ @ aged @ _warm_ | Luv between wimmin iz impossible, | |12| T || @ 16 @ now @ | even friendship iz only praktikabel.| |13| F || _thunder_ @@@ the | | |14| S || @ lam @ Sampson @ | | |15| G || @ sporteth @ waz @ | * * * * * | |16| M || @ @ _litening_ @ @ | | |17| T || | | |18| W || @ a @ strengthy @ | | |19| T || _more_ @ @ @ _hot_ | Thare iz nothing so skarse az | |20| F || @ man @ Judith @ | originality, even an original phool | |21| S || _wetty_ @ Ferguson | would be a grate relief just now. | |22| G || @ _cooler_ marrid @ | | |23| M || @ _big_ @ _warmth_ | | |24| T || @1846@ now | | |25| W || _wind_ @@@ bild | * * * * * | |26| T || @@ _Easty_ bokays @@ | | |27| F || _cooler_ @ Columbus | | |28| S || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | The man who never makes | |29| G || found @ _hotter_ @ | enny blunders iz a very nice piece | |30| M || @ @ @ Amerika | ov masheenery,--that's all. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_QUESTIONS AND REPLIZE._

Q.--What iz the best religious kreed to hav?

A.--Charity. If a man will swop off all the religious kreed he haz got on hand, and invest the proceeds in charity, he will allwus be proud ov the job.

* * * * *

Q.--Will yu pleze define an Enthuziast?

A.--An Enthuziast iz a party who beleaves about 4 times az mutch az he kan prove, and who kan prove about 4 times az mutch az ennyboddy else beleaves.

* * * * *

Q.--What three things hav dun the most to civilize the world?

A.--The Bible, the looking-glass, and the muskett

* * * * *

Q.--Whitch iz the most reddy animile?

A.--The mule--they alwuss sleep standing, so to be on hand when the kiking begins to flow.

* * * * *

Q.--What iz the quikest food on reckord?

A.--The oyster on the haff shell--they kan be et sitting, standing, or on the run.

31 Days. JULY. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _RAINBOWS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Grate warmth_ | | | 2| W || the @ _sighns_ @ | I never tri to settle other peoples | | 3| T || @ --hog _ov_ -- @ | quarrells, i hav seen men tri | | 4| F || _*l*i*t*e*n*i*n*g*_ | to do this, and git badly whipt bi | | 5| S || panteth @ @ @ | both partys. | | 6| G || @ @ @ now @ _hotter_ | | | 7| M || dig -- @ @ @ -- _more_ | * * * * * | | 8| T || @ _hotter_ @ for @ | | | 9| W || _it_ @ @ @ _rains_ | Hunting for happiness iz like | |10| T || @ ice @ Bill @ | hunting for hen's eggs away under | |11| F || _wind_ -- @ -- Purdy | the barn, after yu hav fonnd | |12| S || @ _south_ quit @ | them, haff the time yu find they | |13| G || _mulch_ @ @ @ @ 1822 | are addled. | |14| M || | | |15| T || @ _t.h.u.n.d.e.r_ @ | * * * * * | |16| W || Bill @ @ @ _hottish_ | | |17| T || ---- had ---- | | |18| F || _litening_ @ @ @ @ | Thare iz lots ov people in this | |19| S || @ @ the heart | world who say they haint got | |20| G || @ _it_ @ _rains_ | enny faith in a heaven or hell | |21| M || @ @ ailment @ @ | and yet they hav got faith enuff | |22| T || George :@.:::@.: | to invest their last dollar in a | |23| W || @ _more_ @ _rain_ @ | lottery ticket, or a bottle ov quak | |24| T || :::: * Washington | medisin. | |25| F || @ _windy_ @ fit @ | | |26| S || _cooler_ @ @ @ into | * * * * * | |27| G || @ @ @ _bright_ @ @ @ | | |28| M || the @ @ revolushun | | |29| T || @ _very_ @ @ _now_ | I kno ov men whoze word iz | |30| W || -- @ _hot keep_ @ -- | better than their bond, these are | |31| T || _litening_ * @ * _cool_| the knight errants ov honesty. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE GORRILLA._

The gorrilla iz a free-born citizen ov Western Afrika, and in point ov intilekt, averages well with the rest ov the natives. They are about 5 foot 3 in hight, and hav got a sanguine temper, wuss than a fish womans. I never saw but one gorrilla, and he waz not filled with life, but waz filled with straw. I dont want to see another, it weakens mi respekt for mi ansesstors. They are four legged, and kan walk purpendikular, or horizontal, but when they do walk uprite, they are the wust looking relashuns we hav. They liv alone, and are more terrible in a ruff and tumble fite, than enny person that livs. I hav allwuss wondered whi sum one didn't import one into this country, and match him for 2 thousand dollars to fite in a ring. I am oppozed to ring battles, but when this skirmish takes place, i want to be there, and bet my patrimony on to the gorrilla. May the best man win. The gorrilla haz a good appetight, for one that haint been kultivated, and will eat enny thing he kan ketch, from a coloured brother to an anakondy The gorrilla iz no doubt good for sumthing, but what that iz i kant tell, nor dont want to know. Farewell yu auphull, ugly, mizerable kuss.

The end ov the gorrilla.

_WEIGH._

The devil holds poor kards, but he allwuss plays them mighty well.

* * * * *

A man with a very small hed iz like a pin without enny, very apt to git into things beyond hiz depth.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _DRIPLETS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ _Big_ Sam @ | | | 2| S || _shower_ @@ Loyd | Mules are like sum men, after | | 3| G || @_heaty_ @ born@ | yu hav studdid their karakter for | | 4| M || _mutch_ --II-- _wet_ | 5 years cluss, the best thing yu | | 5| T || @ 1820 @ now @ | kan do, is to git an average on | | 6| W || _wind_ @ @ @ hive | them. | | 7| T || @ _sou_ * _east_ * @ | | | 8| F || bees @ h-o-n-e-s-t-y | * * * * * | | 9| S || @ _more_ @ _hot_ @ | | |10| G || | Thare aint nothing so cheap | |11| M || ---- iz @ the ---- | az bad spellin, and if it iz sutch | |12| T || _thund r_ @ @ @ best | an element of suckcess az sum | |13| W || @ _and_ @ policy @ | shrewd kriticks hav diskovered, | |14| T || _litening_ @ @ Moses | they owe it to their airs, and | |15| F || @ wind @ and @ | assines, to adopt it at once, and | |16| S || _l-i-g-h-t_ @ A-a-r-o-n| bekum ritch and famus | |17| G || @ _hard_ @ were @ | | |18| M || _shower_ @ @ @ near | | |19| T || @ _now_ - nabors @ | * * * * * | |20| W || _mix_ @ @ @ _grate_ | | |21| T || @ _juleps_ @ _heat_ @ | No man haz ever yet bekum | |22| F || K*a*t*e @ _w_*_e_*_t_ | so wize az to kno how mutch he | |23| S || @ Davis @ _kloudy_ @ | luvs himself, and how little hiz | |24| G || died @ _windy_ @ @ @ | nabor. | |25| M || @@ 1849 @ Robert | | |26| T || @ _big_ @ Burns @ | * * * * * | |27| W || @ @ _hot_ @ waz | | |28| T || _more_ @ a @ @ | -- | It iz quite common to meet | |29| F || @_c*o*o*l*e*r_@ | people who hav more religion, | |30| S || -II-ploughman-II- | and even morality, than they hav | |31| G || @@ _it_ @ _rains_ @@ | common sense. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_QUESTIONS, AND ANSWERS._

Q.--When iz the right time to marry?

A.--Enny whare between 21, and ninety-four years.

Q.--What iz a woman's chief joy in this world?

A.--Her own or sumboddy else's baby.

Q.--Which iz the most diffident, and humbel kritter amung the animals?

A.--A bobtailed kat, probberbly.

Q.--How menny yards ov 5 dollar silk duz it take to make a dress.

A.--I dont kno, but it allwuss takes 2 yards and a haff more than yu buy the fust time.

Q.--What do mankind gennerally take the most pride in?

A.--In sumthing their nabors haint got, nor kant git.

Q.--What two persons in the whole congregashun, need the clusset watching?

A.--A praying pollytisian, and an offishus deakon.

Q.--How iz the best way to git rid ov kokroaches?

A.--Sell out yure house, and lot, and jine the gipseys.

Q.--What cums the nearest to makeing a woman sware?

A.--To hav her clothes line brake when it iz full ov a Monday's washing.

Q.--Which iz the two most thankless jobs in this world?

A.--To keep skool, and be an undertaker.

Q.--How do yu define experience?

A.--Experience iz the science ov finding out how deep a mill pond iz, by wading into it, and drowning.

_DOUBLETS._

I kant help but respekt the heathen, they hav made az good a showing on their kapital, az the christians hav.

* * * * *

Next to the mother in law, cums the Grandmother, to regulate the cook, the kat, and the baby.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1879.