Part 21

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _DAY BREAKS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Frosty @ now | | | 2| W || @ gobble cider @ | Politeness never makes enny | | 3| T || @ expekt kold @ | blunders, it often gits snubbed, | | 4| F || @ Nick Hudibras @ | but never gits beat. | | 5| S || @ fled @ 1851 @ | | | 6| G || @ @ colder @ @ | | | 7| M || @ Nick fled @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || @ to Texas @ | | | 9| W || @ snow @ threatens @ | When you cum akrost a man | |10| T || @ now unearth @ | that neither flattery, nor abuse, | |11| F || @ p-o-t-a-t-o-e-s @ | wont stimulate, let him alone, he | |12| S || @ cool nights @ | haz gone to seed. | |13| G || | | |14| M || liberty @ and @ union | | |15| T || @ still @ cooler @ | | |16| W || @ one @ and @ | * * * * * | |17| T || @ fine day @ | | |18| F || inseparable @ now | Thare iz nothing more bekuming | |19| S || @ the duck @ | than humality, and nothing | |20| G || q-u-a-c-k-e-t-h @ | that most ov people are more | |21| M || @ more frost @ | ashamed ov. | |22| T || @ Sally Foster @ | | |23| W || @ marrid 1826 @ | | |24| T || @ cool and wet @ | * * * * * | |25| F || | | |26| S || Sally marrid @ for | | |27| G || love @cooler @and | It iz a grate art to kno how to | |28| M || 45 hundred dollars | giv gracephully, I hav seen good | |29| T || a year @ wind flau | light bread change into a stone, | |30| W || @ sum @ now @ | in passing from one hand to | |31| T || highst @ turnips @ | another. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE APPLE._

The apple iz the oldest fruit on reckord, and one ov the best. The fust ackount we hav ov it, was in the gardin ov Eden. Eve iz sed to hav et the fust one, and pronounced it good, and made Adam take a bight. The eating ov this apple never has been konsidered mutch ov a hit for the rest ov us. The apple will keep longer than enny other fruit, if it aint eaten, and kan be workt up into apple sass, and dumplings, with grate suckcess.

I kan tell a mans tru karakter, bi what he eats, or drinks, clusser than i kan to hear him deliver a tempranse lektur. Talk of all kinds iz artyfishall, but vittles, and drinks, iz natur. Whenever yu see a man cussing, and swareing at apple sass, and good light dumplings, yu can bet 10 dollars, on mi ackount, that he aint a good fireside man. Apples also, when they are well squeezed, produce cider, which iz next to milk, az a fertilizer. Egnogg owes most ov its glory unto cider. Champane wine would be dredphull skarse in market if it want for cider, and good sharp vinegar would be az unkommon az piety, or tru affeckshun, if it wazn't for cider. Jersey lightning also kums from cider, this iz the only wicked thing i ever knu cider to do. Jersey lightning haz scalded more people than hot water ever haz, and killed more than Minnie rifles.

_FOAM._

Thare iz nothing which a chaste, and refined woman detekts so quick as the atmosphere ov an impure man.

* * * * *

Contentment has been praized more, and prakticed less, than enny other condishun ov life.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1878.

_Now they kart him away-- Forgot, and forsaken, To far-famed "BARREN ISLAND," The Trotter iz taken._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SNOW FLAKES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Cold @ the | | | 2| S || cricket @ chirps @ | I like philosophy on general | | 3| G || @ faintly @ more | principles, but the man who invented| | 4| M || coldy @ now @ | the frickshun match, a | | 5| T || trap @ for minks | cent a box, haz dun the world | | 6| W || @ it snows @ | more good, than than the author | | 7| T || @ Ruben Hatfield @ | ov the stoick philosophy. | | 8| F || obsquatulated 1811 | | | 9| S || @ chilly @ | * * * * * | |10| G || @ Reuben @ was @ | | |11| M || a toll/gate @ keeper | Thare iz a grate menny fresh | |12| T || @ now @ bruize @ | water martyrs on the footstool, | |13| W || @ w/o/o/d @ | folks whoze gratest pride iz to tell| |14| T || @ colder mutch @ | us what a miserable time they hav | |15| F || @ thou @ shalt @ | allways had ont. | |16| S || not @ s-n-o-r-e @ | | |17| G || in @ thy @ sleep | * * * * * | |18| M || @ very @ cool @ | | |19| T || @ meazles @ found @ | | |20| W || @ 1492 @ Bob @ | Advice and phisick are so | |21| T || Barnes @ died 1603 | plenty, that the man who makes | |22| F || raw @ but cold @ Bob | enny blunders, or gits sick, must | |23| S || Barnes @ was @ a | be a phool. | |24| G || vegitinarian @ more | | |25| M || snow @ Bob Barnes | * * * * * | |26| T || waz a kold @ potato | | |27| W || @ champion @ | | |28| T || @ Farewell @ | A vain man lets us see all hiz | |29| F || @ my boys !!! @ | weak points, and hides hiz strong | |30| S || | ones. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE AVERAGE BOARDING HOUSE._

I hav lived in boarding houses long enuff to decide, that most ov them are the most cheerless, and unfriendly places on earth. The alms house, or the hospital, iz a more luvly spot to liv in, than the average boarding house. They are kept bi females, gennerally about 45, or 46, years old, and never gits enny older, who wears a blak allpacka dress, az slippery, and shiny, as a piece ov pattent leather, and who kan blo a butcher klean out ov hiz stall, or lift the false hair oph from the heds, ov one ov her Bridgets, when she gets to argueing the case hot.

Her house iz furnished from top to bottom with faded furniture, the spoils ov a thousand aukshun sales, which iz the only place she visits, except the meat, and vegetable markets Everything on the table, and about the house, inkluding attendance, iz meazzured out at the rate ov about nine ounces to the pound, and the whole thing runs dry, and squeaking like the axles ov a waggon, in want ov grease. Thare iz not one solitary, genuine cumfort, in theze concerns, and men, and wimmin, liv, year after year, in theze hash asylums, cursing them every day, and without the moral force to desert them.

I was once told ov one landlady who kept a party ov four young fellows in her house, two months longer than they wanted to stay, bi putting a ten cent stamp into the hash every morning. The landlady dealt out the hash, and managed to get the stamp every time.

_DUST._

The way of the transgressor iz hard,--and there ain't no transgressor kan dodge it neither.

* * * * *

Experience iz about all that old age can boast ov, and how often iz even this ov the bitterest kind.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1878.

_Thar hiz hide is stript off, And two dollars brings, And his bones are workt up, Into buttons and things._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SKIMMINGS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || Orphull @ kold @ | I have a grate kuriosity now to | | 2| M || now @ hunt @ for | kno when the next flood is a | | 3| T || @ ice @ it @ | going to take place, and whether | | 4| W || @ waxes kolder @ | thare kan be found on the face ov | | 5| T || @ Zeke @ Davis @ | the earth a crew fit to man the | | 6| F || born 1850 @ big @ | next ark with. | | 7| S || @ s-n-o @ storm @ | | | 8| G || @ Zeke waz @ | * * * * * | | 9| M || @ a @ henpecked @ | | |10| T || man @ it is winter | I hav heard wize men phrovesy, | |11| W || now @ the ☼ cow | and fools guess, all mi life, but i | |12| T || s-h-i-v-e-r-e-t-h @ | never hav kept enny count which | |13| F || ☼ more @ bitter @ | ov them haz got it right the | |14| S || @ Adam @ was @ | oftenest. | |15| G || @ a phool @ | | |16| M || @ more ☼ snow @ | * * * * * | |17| T || @ now maim wood @ | | |18| W || dredphull @ cold @ | When i waz a boy i allwuss wanted | |19| T || @ man is @ | tommorow to cum, in middle life | |20| F || @ a @ f-a-i-l-u-r-e @ | i wanted a day to last allways, now | |21| S || @ wind northy @ | that i hav got older, i look at | |22| G || bi @ north ☼ now | yesterday, and to day, and compare | |23| M || pay @ your honest | them with tommorow, and wonder | |24| T || dets @ it grows cold | what all this fuss iz about. | |25| W || now ! comfort ☼ your | | |26| T || wife @ more snow | * * * * * | |27| F || Buy Josh Billings' | | |28| S || A-l-l-m-i-n-a-x @ | Thare iz lots ov people in this | |29| G || sighns ov a thaw @ | world, who spend so mutch time | |30| M || Let @ us @ meet | watching their healths, that they | |31| T || @ here again ☼ | haint got no time to enjoy it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_A LONG PARAGRAFF._

Guessing iz a dredphull poor trade, i had just about az soon hav a man tell me a lie az to guess at a thing, in case ov doubt ask yure wife, when the sun shines wimmin are butterflys, and luv to bask in its rays, but when the dark hours cum, and even hope begins to look over its shoulder, ask yure wife about it, and she will either puntch a hole thru the klowd, or lift up one corner ov it, and sho yu a star, I luv babys, i luv them bekauze they are aktually necessary, I luv them bekauze they wont lie, I luv them bekauze they may be the next president sum time, i luv them bekauze i waz a baby once miself, and perhaps sumboddy loved me, i hav sumtimes thought gamblers were az honest az they kan afford to be, they allwuss giv notiss before hand that they will cheat you if they kan, I beleave in one wife, one dog, and one friend, with a few cheerfull acquaintances thrown in to make up the assortment, doenutts and cheeze are lawful tenders in Nu England, nine doenutts, a quarter ov a pound ov old cheeze, and a pint ov sharp sider, iz a luncheon fit for a nuly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, or a trakt pedlar, dandys are things ov the past, I havn't seen a regular full blossomed, old fashioned dandy, going on now seven years, I* * * * * *

_SEDIMENT._

When a coquet falls in luv, she falls in all over, prudes make a mental reservashun.

* * * * *

I would rather number amung mi intimates, an ideot, or even a pikpocket, than infidel.

31 Days. JANUARY. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _KRYSTALS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || | | | 2| T || @ _Keep_ @ _cool_ @ | Yung man, set down, and keep | | 3| F || @ _korn_ @ _starch_ @ | still, yu will hav plenty ov chances| | 4| S || @ _it snows_ @ | yet to make a phool ov yureself | | 5| G || @ _invented_ @ | before yu die. | | 6| M || @ now @ 1835 @ | | | 7| T || @ iz @ the @ @ | | | 8| W || @ winter @ _Sam_ @ | * * * * * | | 9| T || ov our _Peterkin_ | | |10| F || @ @ diskontent @ @ | | |11| S || @ _born_ @ _kolder_ @ | It iz a wize man who proffits | |12| G || @ 1202 @ more @ | bi hiz own experience--but it iz a | |13| M || kolder @ @ @ _Sam_ | good deal wizer one, who lets the | |14| T || --now--_waz_-- | rattlesnaik bite the other phellow. | |15| W || @ rake @ a @ | | |16| T || r*i*g*h*t*e*o*u*s | * * * * * | |17| F || @ @ in @ ice @ @ | | |18| S || _man_ @ @ @ _sighns_ | | |19| G || @ @ @ _the_ @ _ov_ @ @ | | |20| M || _frog_ @ _snow_ | Take all the phools out ov | |21| T || @ _lies_ @ _kolder_ @ | this world, and thare wouldn't be | |22| W || @ @ _still_ @ now @ @ | enny phun, nor proffit living in it | |23| T || _snow_ @ @ @ jam | | |24| F || @ 2 @ _feet_ @ fires @ | | |25| S || _deep_ @--@ Mozes | * * * * * | |26| G || @ @ _a thaw_ @ @ | | |27| M || B*u*r*b*a*n*k*s-- | | |28| T || @ _now_ @ deceased @ | Allmost enny phool kan prove | |29| W || @--1818--@ | that the bible aint true, it takes | |30| T || @ s-w-a-l-l-o-w @ | a wize man to beleave it. | |31| F || @ _kolder_ @ cider @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BOOK CANVASSER._

The book canvasser iz a red hot being, az untiring az a fox hound, and az free from diffidence az a fish pedlar. He works hiz way into every spot in kreashun, and will often sell a book to a man, for hiz own price, who swore at first that he wouldn't take it az a gift. He will travel more miles in a day, on less hash, than a stage horse, and kan stand more abuse than a chinaman. The book canvasser haz bekum the terror of the land, and mankind hide from him az they would from the taxgatherer, or a case ov the small pox. I rather like the book canvasser, when a man pitches into me, and offers to sell me 650 pages ov "_Doktor John Hirsute's modified diagnosis ov the cappilliary attrakshun_," and stiks to it untill he gits the book onto me, i am delighted with the man, and proud ov miself. It takes genius to do theze things, and i luv genius in all shapes, whether it appears az the author ov a dikshionary, or the pattentee of bar soap, warrented to take the letterings off from a mile stone in three washings. The book canvasser haz mi hottest prayers for hiz sukcess, and tho i never ov late subskribe for enny thing, not even to buy the new klergyman an independant seckond hand trotting kronometor, still i am allwus reddy to reckomend him to mi nabors.

_SLUNG SHOT._

"_Throw fisick to the dogs_," is a very old proverb, but whare will yu find the dog that will tutch it?

* * * * *

Experience teaches us mutch, but learns us little.

28 Days.

FEBRUARY.

1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |(!)|@ || _The Slate._ | _CENTER SHOTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Kold_ ¶ now | | | 2| G || @ _waxes_ @ make @ | I would az soon think ov pulling | | 3| M || @ _snow_ ax @ | the feathers out ov a peakoks | | 4| T || _falls_ @ @ handles | tale, az to interfere with inosent | | 5| W || < Kate @ _aufull_ > | vanity ov a man. | | 6| T || Sherman @ @ @ _koldy_ | | | 7| F || @ @ fell _more_ @ @ | | | 8| S || Kate * * * * | * * * * * | | 9| G || @ @ _koldness_ @ @ | | |10| M || * * * * fell | When a wize man undertakes | |11| T || @ _the_ @ down @ | to do a kunning thing he allmost | |12| W || | allways makes a mizerable failure | |13| T || @ ¶ _Bumblebee_ ¶ @ | ov it. | |14| F || cellar @ @ _lies_ | | |15| S || @ _now dreaming_ @ | * * * * * | |16| G || @ _krak_ * _kolder_ @ | | |17| M || _buttnutts_ @ @ _it_ | Marrid life iz a little game, in | |18| T || @ Adam @ _snows_ @ | which the woman, if she iz called, | |19| W || @ Brown @ @ _it_ @ | iz allmost sure to hav a strate | |20| T || kreated @ @ _thaws_ | flush. | |21| F || @ 1400 Adam @ | | |22| S || _more_ @ _snow_ @ waz | | |23| G || @ _now_ a @ natral@ | * * * * * | |24| M || @ _pay_ kuss @ | | |25| T || _dets_----@----Ben | The man who knows a thing, | |26| W || @ _still_ @ Franklin @ | and can tell it in the fewest words | |27| T || _kolder_ @ @ @ waz | iz the hardest kind of a man to | |28| F || ¶ thawy ¶ a ¶ kard ¶ | beat in a kross examinashun. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE CHIPMUNK._

The chipmunk iz the smallest of the squirrell tribe. They are striped goods, having three blak lines wove into them, running the same way the squirrell duz. Az a spekulator in corn the chipmunk stands at the hed ov all the small operators, beating the blujay, in hiz yearly operashuns about a quart. The chipmunk carrys hiz corn in hiz mouth, and when he cums out ov a cornfield loaded with the cereal, his cheeks stik out like a duch baby's. Sumtimes the chipmunk iz kaught and kept in a cage, and iz made to turn a wheel for a living, this iz the only usefull work they hav ever been known to do. I hav often lookt at them at work in their wheels, and dont kno which i pitty the most, the chipmunk, or the party who has to tend them, both of them mite be in better bizzness. They are the only insekt who dig their holes and sho no pile ov dirt at the entrance. I hav asked sevral smart men what bekums ov the dirt, but they all shook their heds and lookt awfull wize. When i waz a boy i used to ketch chipmunks bi running away from skool, and the day that I brought in two ov them waz a big day for me.

_CRUMBS._

The devil iz a very cunning phellow, but the blunders he makes allwuss eats up the profitts in hiz bizzness.

* * * * *

A dandy iz an individul whoze usephullness in this world depends entirely upon the fit ov hiz clothes.

31 Days. MARCH. 1879.

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _The Slate_. | _DU DROPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || _Wind_ @ @ @ | | | 2| G ||@ *-*-*- now | The things that i kant prove i | | 3| M ||@ _howls_ @ tan @ | beleave the most, i beleave that | | 4| T ||_more_ @ woodchuk | one apple iz sour, and another | | 5| W ||@ _wind_ @ skins @ | one sweet, but i will giv enny | | 6| T ||Pete @ _wind_ | highly eddikated man, a span ov | | 7| F ||@-@ Perkins @-@ | matched mules, who will tell me | | 8| S ||_r-i-z-e-s_ @ b-o-r-n | what makes them so. | | 9| G ||@ _more_ @ @ 1840 @ | | |10| M ||_windfull_ @ | | |11| T ||----Pete @ _it_ | * * * * * | |12| W || | | |13| T ||@ _rains_ @ waz @ | I hav lived just long enuff to | |14| F ||@ @ coloured @ @ | find out how little i kno, and no | |15| S ||_sighns_ @ @ @ he | man who throws away hiz faith, | |16| G ||@ waz @ _ov_ @ @ @ | iz ever going to be very wize. | |17| M ||_snow_ @ a @ @ @ | | |18| T ||c-o-l-o-u-r-e-d | | |19| W ||@ _now_ @ barber @ | * * * * * | |20| T ||@_d_ @ _r_ @ _a_ @ _w_@ | | |22| S ||@ @ @ _violet_ @ @ @ | iz hiz conshience, he may outargy | |23| G ||---- _ackounts_ | hiz reazon, or stutify hiz faith, | |24| M ||@ _haz_ @ _more_ @ | but he kant beat hiz conshience. | |25| T ||_cum_ @ _windfull_ | | |26| W ||@ @ @ now _it_ @ @ @ | | |27| T ||_blows_ @ @ @ drink | * * * * * | |28| F ||@-@- Noah -@-@ | | |29| S || .... Egg had .... | The best thing i kno ov iz a | |30| G ||-- nogg @ 3 -- | fust rate wife, and the next best | |31| M ||_it_ @ _blows_ @ boys @ | thing, is a sekond rate one. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_REMARKS._