Part 20

The auckshioneer iz an unfortunate individual who duz other peoples lieing for 10 dollars a day, and boards himself. He haz got az mutch jaw az a wolf trap, and as mutch cheeck az a 10 year old mule. He takes up the profeshun quite often on the same principle that a horse doktor duz hiz, not bekause he iz fit for the bizzness, but just to hav one in the naborhood. His gratest pride iz to mingle what he calls humor with hiz talk when he iz on the block, but hiz jokes are gennerally az level az a kold slapjax. He iz at the hight ov hiz ambishun when he haz worried a laff out ov the bistanders, and uses the same rhetorick, and similees, when he sells out a line ov bank securitys, that he duz, when he closes out an old one-eyed pelter, under a chattell mortgage, in frunt ov the kourt house. A kuntry auckshioneer, and a kuntry horse jockey, are two wonderphull cusses, in the rural deestrikts. I hav been an auckshioneer and kno what i am talking about.

_THE OLD MAID._

The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs.

_BLISTERS._

Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this iz all he kan do.

* * * * *

Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty.

About the hardest thing a fellow kan do, iz to spark 2 girls at one time, and preserve a good average =

Try it. Josh Billings

I dont insist upon pedigree for a man, or horse--if a horse kan trot fasst. and honest, the pedigree iz all right, if he kant, i wouldn't giv a shilling a yard for hiz pedigree.= so, Josh Billings

31 Days. MAY. 1878.

_Five years ov fasst work, He iz bunged up, and done, Knee sprung, and spavined, Hiz spirit iz gone._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _COBWEBS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ Butiful May ! | | | 2| T || air @ softly @ | The happiest people after all, | | 3| F || @ now churn @ | are thoze who are worked the | | 4| S || butter @ rainy @ | the hardest, and fed the best. | | 5| G || @ Mose Sherman @ | | | 6| M || @ born 1792 @ | | | 7| T || @ wind @ fitful @ | * * * * * | | 8| W || @ Mose Sherman * | | | 9| T || + waz a tinker @ | Thare iz sum men who hav so | |10| F || @ soft day @ | little bakbone that you kant help | |11| S || now bury beans @ | them, you mite as well undertake | |12| G || @ warm @ rain = | to stand an angleworm up on | |13| M || | end, and ask him to dance a jig. | |14| T || @ the @ way @ ov @ | | |15| W || * the transgressor @ | | |16| T || iz hard @ gentle @ | * * * * * | |17| F || weather @ @ now | | |18| S || the old @ hen @ | | |19| G || @ kakleth @ | If you give a beggar nine dollars, | |20| M || more @ weather * | at different times, and then | |21| T || Juno @ waz @ the @ | refuse him the tenth, he will sware | |22| W || @ wife ov Jupiter @ | you have cheated him out of it. | |23| T || @ bright and @ | | |24| F || butiful @ now | | |25| S || * insert @ corn @ | * * * * * | |26| G || @ Abram North @ | | |27| M || @ killed @ 1819 @ | | |28| T || pretty day * Abram | One haff the trubbles ov this | |29| W || was stung to @ | life kan be traced to saying | |30| T || dethness bi hornets | "Yes" too quick, and not saying | |31| F || allass!! allass!!! | "No" soon enuff. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_INDISKRIMINATE HINTS._

I receaved a circular yesterday inviting me to buy a ticket in a gift distrubiting skeme, i didn't invest, i hav often bought into theze magnificent chances, and all that i hav ever drawed yet, waz the wool over mi eyes. A cow that will leak 18 quarts of milk per diem iz a good one, but one that will flow 30, iz better. This may look like an assershun ov mine, but the more yu look into it, the more milk yu will diskover. Thare aint but fu cows that will giv 30 quarts ov milk a day unless yu irrigate it well. I kant say if it will pay yu to keep a cow, or not, yu kan buy a "_Readdy Reckoner_," at enny ov the book stores, for 75 cents, and they tell all about theze things. If i waz called upon to advise a Mother in law, i should tell her never to suggest enny thing in the family at all, if she sees the babys stockings agin the stove, burning up, let them burn, if she sees the kat stealing kream, off from the top ov the milk kans, let her steal, if thare iz enny thing lost, and the whole household are hunting for it, and she knows right whare it iz, keep mum, and let them hunt. I kant tell whitch iz the best breed ov lap dogs, all i kno about the diffrent breeds iz that the whole lot are a kussid shame, and noosance. Rats are very growthy, so growthy, that yu dont need but one good helthy rat to commence operations with, and in three years, yu will hav rats to spare.

_WAIFS._

Next to going barefoot, for solid cumfort, cums an old shoe.

* * * * *

I beleave in ghosts,--only a little,--just ennff to keep up an assortment.

30 Days. JUNE. 1878.

_Now to a street kar, Staggering he goes, Receiving for pay, Only curses and blows._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _FRIZZLE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S ||@ warm hotness |About all us old fellows kan do | | 2| G ||@ June bugs @ |to enny advantage, iz to nuss our | | 3| M ||@ are here @ leafy |rumatizz quietly in sum corner, | | 4| T ||weather @ John |and guess, that it iz a going to | | 5| W ||Bigg deceased @ 913 |rain tommorow, or that it aint. | | 6| T ||@ warm and wet @ | | | 7| F ||@ John Bigg @ | * * * * * | | 8| S ||@ operated in @ | | | 9| G ||@ klams @ hotter |Military taktiks are a good thing | |10| M ||@ now @ the @ |to fite injuns with, when the | |11| T ||kokroach @runneth |injuns are 65 miles off, but when | |12| W ||bright and liquid @ |the fite cums, yu want to kill the | |13| T ||@ now prepare for @ |injuns fust, and then alter the | |14| F ||rain @ thou shalt @ |case to fit the taktiks. | |15| S ||not steal @ sum @ | | |16| G ||wind @ now egg | * * * * * | |17| M ||@ hens @ for @ | | |18| T || | | |19| W ||chickens @ wind sow |A woman never iz more happy | |20| T ||bi @ sow-east @ |than when she haz four men | |21| F ||@ Vulcan @ was @ |waiting on her all to once, but | |22| S ||@ a blak @ smith |more than one woman fussing | |23| G ||@ warmer @ all @ |over a man at the same time, | |24| M ||natur @ jumps @ |makes him feel dredphull unsartin. | |25| T ||@ hot @ Sam @ | | |26| W ||@ Burbanks born @ | * * * * * | |27| T ||1812 @ hotsum | | |28| F ||rain @ Sam playd |Thare iz nothing will demoralize | |29| S ||the juice @ harp |a man fasster, than to git into | |30| G ||mutch growthy |the habit ov doing hous work. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_TWO LETTERS._

_Dear Laubenhimer._--I dont know who writ "_Babes in the Woods_," but who ever did, hit natur. I hav forgot now the diagnosis ov the book, all i kan remember iz, i red it when i waz a boy, and i bought one 25 years after that for mi son, and only last week, bought another for mi grandson, and when he grows up to be a man, and iz wed, and haz results, he will buy it for hiz children. Robinson Kruso, Jak the Giant Killer, and babes in the woods, will wear az long az allminaxes will. I dont kno az thare iz a partikle ov bible truth in them, but they are so wonderphull, that if they didn't never cum to pass, it seems az tho they ought to.

* * * * *

_Dear Onderdonk._--Thare iz only one way to brake a kiking heifer, and that iz, to stop her growth bi deth. When a heifer gits to kiking, the smartest mishionary in the world kant console her, she will kik over her own mother, just az liberally az she will a perfekt stranger.

They will allways manage to stand middling still untill yu git the pail just about full, and then for fear they wont hit it, they will kik with both feet to oust, and squeal into the bargain. After they hav kikt the milk over, they are perfektly resighned, and will stand and chew their kud, and let yu milk them for two hours if yu want to.

_BUOYS._

The fust man that waz murdered in this world waz the only pure one living at that time.

* * * * *

I like to see all things true to natur, even a hornet that kant sting, is a melankolly failure.

31 Days. JULY. 1878.

_Next to a kart, He plods, and he moans, A skeleton phantom, A mere rak ov bones._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _WATCHWORDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M ||@ Grate @ |A good landlord haz no publik | | 2| T ||a warmness @ |opinyun ov his own, when called | | 3| W ||@ now the @ |upon to decide between two ov | | 4| T ||@ hopper grass @ |hiz boarders, he takes them one | | 5| F ||@ laffeth @ sum @ |side seperately, and tells each ov | | 6| S ||more hot @ Pan |them, what a kussid phool the | | 7| G ||@ waz @ a shephard @ |other fellow is making ov himself. | | 8| M ||@ more heat @ | | | 9| T ||@ Fred Munson @ | * * * * * | |10| W ||@ broke his@ @ | | |11| T ||@ arm @ 1386 @ |The man who iz anxious to liv | |12| F ||@ thunder and @ |hiz life over again, iz proberbly | |13| S ||@ litening @ now |more ov a spekulator at heart, | |14| G ||the ram butteth @ |than a philosopher or a christian. | |15| M ||@ growing hot @ | | |16| T ||now probe @ for @ | * * * * * | |17| W ||ice kream @ more | | |18| T ||@ thunder @ |Total depravity iz a hard thing | |19| F ||@ multiplikashun @ |for me to believe, but i must say, | |20| S ||table diskovered @ |that i often meet cases that | |21| G ||826 @ now twitch |wouldn't pay more than 5 per | |22| M ||lettiss @ more @ |cent for rektifying. | |23| T ||heaty @ Jane | | |24| W ||@ Ferguson @ @ | * * * * * | |25| T ||vamosed @ 1840 | | |26| F ||@ hot @ abates @ |A "Cuss" iz a kritter who iz | |27| S ||Jane vamosed @ |just a little more respektabel than | |28| G ||with @ one Sam @ |a loafer, and just a little less | |29| M ||Peters @ it rains @@ |dangerous than a renegade. | |30| T ||@ sich iz life @ | | |31| W || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE RHINOSSEROSS AND THE VIOLET._

The rhinosseross iz strikly a forrin invenshun, and i am glad ov it. They are a one horned experiment, and that horn grows on the tip ov their nose. If they are haff az unhappy az they look, they are the most mizerable kritters ever invented. Their great value is in their skarsity, if they waz az plenty az organ grinders, they wouldn't be enny more of a luxury. If i waz offered mi choice between a rhinosseross, and an anakondy, i should figger on them cluss, for a fortnight, and then refuse to take either.

_THE VIOLET._

Little blu eyed innocent, i saw yu one year ago, this very day, in this same cold, and sunless spot, (perhaps it mite hav been yure sister) far away from human eyes, or human footsteps. It waz winter then, so it iz now, but they call it spring. Yu are too gentle for this cheerless place, do the fairys visit yu, and whisper words ov luv and hope. Yu need'nt hang yure hed and tremble, i wont hurt yu, gladly would i swop places with yu, neglected az yu are, yu kant be lost, i may be. Stay right whare yu are little innosent, the fust luv sik maiden i kum akrost, i will send to keep yu company, she will hav a lot ov silly, and soft things, to tell yu.

_UNDERGROWTH._

A "_Stool Pigeon_" iz one, who iz willing to be az wicked az he knows how, but who haz to be taught all the iniquity, ov enny consequence, that he possesses.

* * * * *

Men who hav the most real power, sho it the least, while thare aint a more terrible engine ov the law, than a fresh elekted constable.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1878.

_When he kant pull a pound, And won't even try, He iz dropt bi his owner, And turned out to die._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SKRAPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Hot but dusty |Repentanse iz the most satisfaktory | | 2| F || ¶ Behold the @ |duty that a man can perform, | | 3| S || * festiff @ |but it wont kure the headake | | 4| G || @ muskeeter @ |next day, nor pay for the hot rum, | | 5| M || @ draws nigh @ |and cigars, it took to make it. | | 6| T || ¶ sum more ¶ | | | 7| W ||@ dust with heat § | | | 8| T ||now inquire @ for | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ juleps @ | | |10| S || @ big shower @ | | |11| G || § now the hen § |Thare may be some perfektly | |12| M || @ pants @ cool @ |happy people in this world, but if | |13| T || @ @ nights @ @ |they undertake to prove it, they | |14| W || @ Sam. Carter @ |will lay themselfs open to suspishun.| |15| T ||@ obituated 1865 @ | | |16| F ||sum more @ hotly @ | | |17| S ||§ Sam Carter waz @ | * * * * * | |18| G || a @ ded @ beet @ | | |19| M || @ sighns @ | | |20| T || @ ov thunder @ |I never knu a man who lived | |21| W || @ /now lift/ @ |upon hope, but what spent hiz old | |22| T || @ coucumbers @ |age at sumboddy else's expense. | |23| F || @ rain and @ | | |24| S || @ lightning @ | | |25| G || "thou shall not | * * * * * | |26| M || lie" @ much @ @ | | |27| T || @ warmth * now | | |28| W || keep @ cool @ it |To bekum famous requires | |29| T || @ thunders @ |mutch time, and merit,--fust to | |30| F || @ hark!!! @ @ |be entitled to it, an seckondly, | |31| S || |not to git cheated out ov it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE BACHELOR._

The old bachelor iz born in the maskuline way, but often changes hiz base, to the nuter gender. He thinks he haz got a good lone hand, but in playing it, allmost allways gits ukered. Sumtimes, late in life, he makes up hiz mind to git marrid, and then, allmost invariably, thare are two partys, who are disapointed.

_THE QUACK._

The quack knows he iz a ded beat, but he allso knows that mankind luv to be cheated. He allwuss haz sum speshiallity, and the more difikult iz the disseaze, the more brazen iz he, in hiz offers to kure it. He preys upon the unfortunate, and it would be az unprofitable to prove malpraktiss aginst him, az it would bigamy, aginst a wharf rat.

_THE DEAKON._

The deakon iz the fust lutenant in a meeting house. He iz a good christian man, but hiz kreed iz too often az mutch bother to him, az a yoke iz to a goose. He iz az full ov bizzness, and proviso's az a wimmins rites convenshen. He often haz more pitty than branes, and generally, more fuss, than either. A good deakon, in a naborhood, iz a substanshall blessing, and bad deakons, thank Heaven, hav allwuss been skarse.

_SOLLUM THINGS._

The world iz bankrupt in morals, and if kind heaven wont settle with us, for 10 cents on the dollar, the devil will git the whole thing bi foreclosure.

* * * * *

Yu may make a servant ov a friend, but yu kant make a friend ov a servant, it aint natral.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1878.

_The street boys git at him, And ride him around, 'Till he staggers, and stumbles, And falls to the ground._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _ECHOS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Breezy @ 'list | | | 2| M || @ to @ the @ |Whenever yu cum akrost a | | 3| T || @ mocking bird @ |man, who praizes yu immoderaterly, | | 4| W || @ a fine day @ |and kusses every boddy | | 5| T || @ now chew @ |else in proportion, yu kan make | | 6| F || @ @ cherrys @ @ |up yure mind, that yure turn for | | 7| S || @ cool @ Dave @ |kussing will cum soon. | | 8| G || @ Markham died @ | | | 9| M || @ 1790 @ milder @ | * * * * * | |10| T || @ Dave died @ | | |11| W || @ ov skarsity @ |Experiense haz no effect on sum | |12| T || @ @ ov breth @ @ |people, they are like an old frog | |13| F || @ @ more @ @ |in a mud puddle, yu kan ketch | |14| S || @ mildness @ |him without even enny bait on | |15| G || @ huckleberrys are @ |yure hook, and thro him bak agin, | |16| M || @ here @ cool |az often az yu hav a mind to. | |17| T || | | |18| W || @ sighns @ | | |19| T || @ Dan Tucker @ | * * * * * | |20| F || @ born 1832 @ | | |21| S || @ expekt coolness @ |An idler iz twice a thief, he not | |22| G || @ Dan Tucker @ |only steals hiz own time, but he | |23| M || @ waz dark @ |hangs around, trieing to steal | |24| T || @ konplekted @ |yures too. | |25| W || rain @ now @ twitch | | |26| T || flax @ hot day @ in | * * * * * | |27| F || @ time ov peace | | |28| S || look out @ @ for war |We all ov us hav certian | |29| G || wind easty @ bi nor |sorrows that are too intrinksik to | |30| M || east @ go slow @ |be divided with enny boddy. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE GRASSHOPPER IZ A BURDEN_

The grasshopp iz a flippant bug. He iz likewise a kuss. He iz green for color, and haz several leggs, or more, i disremember whitch. They kan fli, hop, walk, sit still, or run, and are born ov eggs, a dozen from each egg, proberbly. They are an inch and a quarter in length, and are sumtimes a frackshun over. They are laid, hatchid out, git their manhood, and die off in 75 days, this iz aktual bizzness, and shows enterprize, in a lofty degree. What they are good for, haz been concealed from us, for wize reazons, but the evil they kan commit, iz sumtimes equal to a famine. I hav seen every green thing, on the flatt ov the earth, for 50 miles in diameter, et up bi them, and millyuns ov them besides starving to deth. I have seen the air filled with them like a shower ov sand, and nothing but stone fences, and McAdam roads, proof aginst their appetights. To be et up bi grasshopps, to be consumed bi muskeeters, or mangled bi a mule, hav allways been the three deaths that i hav voted aginst. But az mutch az i fear the dedly hopper, i had rather face a mile square ov them, all alone, in the month ov August, or i had rather cross the Newark marshes, bi moonlite, in Juli, when muskeeters are in their consumate glory, or even fondle the sportive mule, than to hav a _nusepaper kritick_, who writes for 8 dollars a week, git after me.

_CAMBRIK NEEDLES._

The slowest time on reckord,--is skool time.

* * * * *

The man who _forgivs_, and dont _forgit_, compounds for 50 cents on the dollar.

I dont take enny phoolish chances, if i waz called upon to mourn over a ded mule, i should stand in front ov him, and do mi weeping.=

J. Billings Esq.

When a man gits to going down hill, it duz seem, az tho every thing had been greased for the ockashun.

Josh Billings

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1878.

_Thare he struggles, and groans, 'Till he iz knockt on the hed, And the once rapid trotter, Lies pulseless and ded._