Part 2

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | @| @ || _Prognostix._ | _RAMRODS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ "Physician @ | | | 2| M || heal thyself," @ @ | Piety iz like beans, it seems tew | | 3| T || @ big joke @ | do the best on a poor sile. | | 4| W || @ on physician @ | | | 5| T || now @ plant @ @ @ | | | 6| F || @ corn @ for early | | | 7| S || whiskey @ _showers_ | About the hardest thing a | | 8| G || _with sun_ (@) | phellow kan do, iz tew spark | | 9| M || _in them_ @ spring | two girls at onst, and preserve a | |10| T || @ haz cum @ @ | good average. | |11| W || adorned like @ | | |12| T || @ a bride @ | | |13| F || _sighns_ @ _ov_ | | |14| S || @ _rain_ @ brides | I had rather be a seed cowcumber, | |15| G || alwus create a @ @ | flung up on a wood pile, | |16| M || @ @ @ sensashun | tew ripen, than tew be an old | |17| T || @ _thunder_ @ | bachelor. | |18| W || _mixed with_ @ @ | | |19| T || _rain_ @ it iz more | | |20| F || @ diffikult tew @ | | |21| S || be a bride @ | Better leave yure children | |22| G || @ than a brides @ | virtew, than money, but this is | |23| M || maid @ babes | a sekret known only to a few. | |24| T || @ @ in the @ @ | | |25| W || woods diskovered @ | | |26| T || @ @ 1626 @ @ @ | | |27| F || @ harvest | | |28| S || cowslops for @ @ | Going tew law, iz like skinning | |29| G || greens @ @ eggs | a nu milk cow for her hide, and | |30| M || @ plenty-- | giving the beef tew the lawyers. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JUNE MONOGRAPH._

June iz twin sister tew May, lacking a month. She iz named after Juno, the spouze ov Jupiter, and she waz a stirring woman. June iz the mother of rozes and milk. June iz the stepmother of good gras butter, she iz also grate granmother ov Bakon and Spinnage. June iz a praktikal gusher, and i love tew stand one side, and let her gush,--i hav made it a rule never tew git in the way ov a gush ov enny kind,--i say tew everything, gush! oh, gush!

_WORDS TEW HOUSEWIFES._

To make a cheap soup, take 5 drops ov good strong onion juice, add 2 gall's ov water, bile 10 minnitts karefully, and seazon with a couple ov phatt cockroches.

* * * * *

To make a hoe kake, take a hoe and bile it tew a thin jell, and then,--let her kake

* * * * *

Tew skin a Eel, turn him inside out, and remove the meat with a Jack plane

* * * * *

Tew make a hen lay 2 eggs a day, reazon with her; if that dont dew, threaten to chastize her if she dont.

* * * * *

Tew learn yure offspring to steal, make them beg hard for all that yu giv them.

30 Days.

JUNE.

1870.

Q.--Whi are robbers like rain? @ @ @ @

A.--Bekauze they fall on the just and the unjust.

_Now bate yure hook, and find a brook, Where water runs the fasstest, Thare lays the trout, jist jerk him out, And chuck him in yure basket._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _OATS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || _At times warm_ @ _at_ | | | 2| T || @ @ _other times_ | The time tew be karefullest iz | | 3| F || @ _warmer_ @ @ | when we hav a hand full ov | | 4| S || muskeeters @ @ @ | trumps. | | 5| G || @ _8_ looking for a | | | 6| M || job @ @ Sinbad | * * * * * | | 7| T || the sailor @ | Old dorgs nuss their grudges, | | 8| W || @ wrecked @ | but yung purps fite, and then | | 9| T || @ 1385 _hot sighns_ | frolick. | |10| F || _ov warm_ @ @ | | |11| S || _weather 8_ straw | * * * * * | |12| G || berrys @ 25 | | |13| M || cents a quart @ | Mother!--The holy thoughts, | |14| T || @ @ strawberrys | and memorys, that cluster around | |15| W || large, quarts small @ | this name, can never be so well | |16| T || @ _showers_ @ @ | expressed, az in the calm utterance | |17| F || _with_ @ @ _rain_ @ @ | ov the name itself. | |18| S || remember the @ | | |19| G || poor natur @ @ | * * * * * | |20| M || grows @ Old | | |21| T || @ Grimes died | I thank the Lord for one thing, | |22| W || 1785 @ he had | that the hardest word in enny | |23| T || @ a good old _8_ | language tew say, iz--No! | |24| F || @ soul @ _dark_ | | |25| S || _nights_ @ mint | * * * * * | |26| G || juleps in @ @ | | |27| M || market @ @ fakts | I had ratner undertaik tew be | |28| T || @ are stubborn @ | two good Doves, than one decent | |29| W || things @ so be mules | sarpent. | |30| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JULY MONOGRAPH._

July iz the sixth month, which ackounts for its being so near the middle ov the year. It derives its name from "Julos" a hot old phellow, who settled near the equator, at an early day, and kept every boddy in hiz naberhood, in a profound swett. July haz menny features ov _interest_, the _principle_ one ov which, iz, the payment ov semi-annual _interest_, by most ov the banks, on the fust day ov the month, upon their _principal_. This iz a fine old custom, and i hope it will be kept up, for i own a leetle bank stock, and take sum _interest_ in the _principle_.

_A NEW TOOL._

"_Rogers grate western hoss rake._"

John Rogers revolving, expanding, uncerimonius, self-adjusting, self-contrakting, self-sharpening, self-greasing, and self-righteous Hoss Rake, iz now, and forever, offered tew a generous publik. Theze rakes are az eazy tew keep in repair az a hitching post, and will rake up a paper ov pins, sowed broad kast, in a ten aker lot ov wheat stubble. Theze rakes kan be used in the winter for a hen roost, or be sawed up into stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer, ov good moral karakter, should be without this rake, not even if he haz to steal one.

31 Days.

JULY.

1870.

Q.--Whare do the vain go tew when they die?

A.--The barbers shop. @

_Young man!--let hornets be, and dont go nigh The pizen snaik tew mutch. For during the month ov Julii, They aint helthy tew the tutch._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _DOUGH NUTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ @ _Mad dogs_ | | | 2| S || _seen_ @ muzzle | I hav alwus notised one thing, | | 3| G || yure @ _8_ | when a man gits in a tite spot, he | | 4| M || @ children @ | dont never call on hiz friend the | | 5| T || @ look out | Devil tew help him out. | | 6| W || for a hotness @ @ | | | 7| T || @ owe no @ | * * * * * | | 8| F || man @ keep cool @ | | | 9| S || _hail storm_ @ _hail_ | The man who haz just found | |10| G || @ @ _stones_ @ @ | out that he kant afford tew burn | |11| M || _weigh sevral_ @ | green wood, haz taken hiz fust | |12| T || _tons_ @ @ that | lesson in econemy. | |13| W || iz all @ @ @ | | |14| T || that fell @ _the_ | * * * * * | |15| F || @ _hot iz more_ @ @ @ | I think now if I had all the | |16| S || _hot 8_ @ @ saw | money that iz due me i would | |17| G || @ horses begin @ | invest it in a saw mill,--and let | |18| M || tew pant @ @ | her rip. | |19| T || @ _wet shower_ @ | | |20| W || @ @ _more_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | |21| T || @ _warm_ @ | | |22| F || @ @ a penny | A good wife iz a sweet smile | |23| S || saved iz @ @ | from heaven. | |24| G || @ worth @ two _8_ | | |25| M || lost @ @ pray | * * * * * | |26| T || for ice @ @ | | |27| W || @ @ flys lively | A big noze iz sed to be a sighn | |28| T || @ now harvest | ov genius,--if a mans genius lays | |29| F || rye for @ _8_ | in hiz noze, i should say the sighn | |30| S || whiskee @ @ | waz a good one. | |31| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_AUGUST MONOGRAPH._

This month, for sum reazon, haz got a hot way ov doing things. Awl natur unties her corsets and loafs bi the side ov brooks, with stockingless feet, tew ketch the cool words ov singing waters, and watch the bubles ov sweet, that rize on the noze ov the green frog, az they set down on themselfs, on the moss upholstered stones.

Butter spreads itself freely during this month. Snakes slip eazy, and Cupid crawls behind the shadder ov a dieing roze, and shutes hiz gun at the galls, and boys.

_THINGS WORTH KNOWING._

Tew milk a kicking cow, stand oph about 10 foot, and holler "_So I_ darn you."

* * * * *

Tew make light bread, do az the bakers do,--call 9 ounces a pound.

* * * * *

Tew make oxtale soup, bile an ox in a pot, and let the caudel continuation hang over the edge ov the pot and drip.

* * * * *

Tew git at the solid kontents ov yure wife's tongue, be verry sweet with the new skool mom in yure distrikt.

* * * * *

Tew break a mule--commence at his head.

31 Days.

AUGUST.

1870.

Q.--What iz the capacity ov an omnibus? @ @

A.--The same az a grave yard, it takes all that cums. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

_Now chop doun oats. And hew doun barley, Rize with the sun, And go tew bed arly._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _STUB ENDS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Expekt pack @ | | | 2| T || pedlers @ @ _dry_ | A lie iz like a kat, it never | | 3| W || _and hot_ @ ice | cums tew yu in a straight line. | | 4| T || @ iz trumps @ | | | 5| F || _great drouth_ @ | * * * * * | | 6| S || auctioneers @ @ | | | 7| G || @ dry @ | The longest lived thing i kno | | 8| M || @ up @ Don' | ov, iz a nikname. | | 9| T || Quixot fights @ | | |10| W || a wind mill @ @ | * * * * * | |11| T || 1342 @ gits | | |12| F || whipped the @ | | |13| S || @ fust round | Most men go through life az | |14| G || @ honesty @ | rivers go tew the sea, bi following | |15| M || iz the best @ | the lay ov the ground. | |16| T || policy @ better | | |17| W || @ than a life @ | * * * * * | |18| T || @ insurance | | |19| F || policy @ @ _uncommon_ | | |20| S || @ _hot_ @ rag dolls | If I had a mule who wouldn't | |21| G || perspire freely @ | neither kick, nor bite, i should | |22| M || _rain with thunder_ * *| watch him dredful cluss till i | |23| T || @ _heat increases_ | found out whare hiz malice did | |24| W || @ _thermometors bile_ | lie. | |25| T || _over_ @ Adam | | |26| F || @ waz the @ | * * * * * | |27| S || fust man @ | | |28| G || _cooler_ @ @ that | The devil iz a mean kuss, he | |29| M || @ @ kissed a | never keeps hiz own promises, | |30| T || woman @ @ @ | but alwus makes us keep ours. | |31| W || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH._

September iz named after "Septus" which thrashed out into Amerikan, means seven. I wouldn't take 500 dollars for the latin i know, and i don't kno mutch nuther. Sept. iz a lakadaisikal month, mello az the dekayed side of a punkin, and as sensitive az a boarding school miss, during her fust quarter in french. Natur makes her will this month--hogs root violently--birds hold convenshuns, and adjourn down south--tree toads boost each other up trees and warble sum anthems--katydids chew musick and spit it out freely, and bull frogs post their books.

_MORE ADVICE TEW YOUNG SPORTSMEN._

In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so az tew miss it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer.

* * * * *

In fishing for krabs, use yure fingers for bait, yu kan feel them when they fust bite.

* * * * *

Dont fire at a bumble bee on the wing, not till he settles, then take good aim, and knok him endways.

* * * * *

In bobbing for Eels, use a raw potato, yu may not bag much Eels, but yu kan bag a bob, that yu kan hand down tew yure ancestors untarnished.

Thare are but fu sights in this life, more sublime, and pathetick than to see a poor, but virtiuous yung man, struggling--with a mustash.=

It iz thus, Josh Billings.

I hav seen men so fond ov argument, that they would dispute with a guide board, at the forks ov a kuntry road, about the distance to the next town.=

What fools, Josh Billings

30 Days.

SEPTEMBER.

1870.

Q.--How fast duz sound travel? @ @ @ @

A.--The sound ov a dinner horn travels one mile in a seckond.

_This month pull flax, And teeth that ake. Lay in bees wax, And emptins kake._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _OLD CHEEZE._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || _Limpsey weather_ @ | | | 2| F || @ moon in perigree | Medicine haz cost the world | | 3| S || @ @ Jim Crow | more than bread haz, and haz | | 4| G || born 1836 @ now | killed more than it haz cured. | | 5| M || @ @ dry apples | | | 6| T || for sass @ _rain_ | * * * * * | | 7| W || _threatnings_ @ money | Marriage tew a coquette iz | | 8| T || tight @ @ fall | often, "letters ov marque and | | 9| F || bonnets appear @ | reprisal." | |10| S || @ @ they are | | |11| G || ravishing @ @ | * * * * * | |12| M || _cool_ @ @ to a 20 | | |13| T || dollar bill @ | It iz very diffikult for a poor | |14| W || @ now fish for @ | man tew be superior tew hiz fortune,| |15| T || crabs @ _rain drizzle_ | and more diffikult for a rich | |16| F || @ crabs bite with | one. | |17| S || their feet @ _smoky_ | | |18| G || _weather_ @ @ and | * * * * * | |19| M || hang on like @ | Hunting after health, iz like | |20| T || a poor relashun @ | hunting after fleas, the more yu | |21| W || @ use cod @ | hunt, the more _flees_ you will | |22| T || liver oil @ | find. | |23| F || @ _more wet_ @ for | | |24| S || greasing waggons @ | * * * * * | |25| G || grate snake @ | The devil iz sed tew be the | |26| M || seen at _8_ @ | "father ov lies," if this iz so, he | |27| T || Nuport 1820 @ 12 | haz got a numerous family, and | |28| W || miles long @ Venus | sum very promising children | |29| T || @ an evening star @ | amungst them. | |30| F || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_OCTOBER MONOGRAPH._

October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month, but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral cider; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem phool.

Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repenting ov yure sins, and gitting up a good big wood pile.

_PECK'S CHURN, AND BRISTOW'S SOWING MASHEEN._

Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck iz a philanthropist, every housewife in the world, should put on a clean white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully!! oh! Bully! for Peck.

* * * * *

Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer, lighting-movement, krank-moshun sowing masheen. Theze masheens took all the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them, which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides sowing fourteen acres of winter rye.

31 Days.

OCTOBER.

1870.

Q.--Will you pleaze to state what lies are? @ @

A.--Lies are the grease on the snaiks belly. @

_The yello korn now scents the gale, And harvest boys the milk maids wake, With matin songs, in praizes of, Hasty puddin, and Johnny kake._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _BIRDS TRACKS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Jack Frost @ | | | 2| G || born @ of | How menny people thare iz | | 3| M || poor but honest | whoze souls hang in them, like | | 4| T || @ @ parents @ now | the pith in a gooze quill. | | 5| W || hunt for cider @ | | | 6| T || @ moon in @ | * * * * * | | 7| F || apogee @ @ | | | 8| S || @ _air brittle_ @ | Opinyuns are like other kinds | | 9| G || snakes hang @ | ov vegetables, worth jist what | |10| M || @ up their sled | they will fetch. | |11| T || _sighns a kold_ @ @ | | |12| W || snap @ @ let her | * * * * * | |13| T || snap @ @ begin | | |14| F || yure promiskuss | When a man gits so reduced | |15| S || sparking @ @ @ | that he kant help ennyboddy else, | |16| G || @ @ knowledge iz | we then vote him a penshun for | |17| M || power @ pumpkin | the rest ov hiz life, by calling him| |18| T || pies begin @ | a _poor devil_. | |19| W || tew loaf @ @ | | |20| T || around @ @ | * * * * * | |21| F || @ Bonaparte | | |22| S || crosses the | A lie repented ov bekums the | |23| G || rine @ @ _keen_ | truth. | |24| M || _but cold_ @ now | | |25| T || butcher hens | * * * * * | |26| W || @ @ @ for | | |27| T || thanksgiving @ | I had rather be married tew an | |28| F || @ @ _frosty_ @ lay | unabridged Webster's diktionary, | |29| S || in yure | than tew an unabridged literary | |30| G || @ winter clams @ | woman. | |31| M || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_NOVEMBER MONOGRAPH._

Everyboddy wants tow be sassy at November--to turn her the cold shoulder--tew nuss all their old akes anew--tew look az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle--tew hunt for a kat's tale tew step at,--but i aint! November iz when i harvest mi happiness, when i gather into mi pious korn krip, the moral sowing ov the whole year. I am only sorry for one thing during the month ov November, and that iz, that i am sich a poor, weak, unsartin, sinnerly cuss, and that mi nabers aint much better than i am.

_SUM MORE HINTS TEW BOARDIN-HOUSE KEEPERS._

1st. If your boarders take sugar, and milk, in their kaughphy, dont put in mutch sugar, bekauze yu kno they hav milk, and dont put in but little milk, bekauze they hav sugar.

* * * * *

2d. Bukwheat kakes made out ov wheat bran kost less, and soak up molasses more carefully.

* * * * *