Part 19

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _MAKE WEIGHTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Sloppy times @ | | | 2| F || now the pig @ @ | Mankind are a race ov coquets, | | 3| S || @ yells @ more | even virtew herself luvs | | 4| G || @ kold :|: Warren @ | once in a while to flirt with the | | 5| M || Davis failed @ @ | devil. | | 6| T || @ mutch weather | | | 7| W || @ @ Warren @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || Davis @ failed @ | | | 9| F || @ @ in the pea | | |10| S || @ nutt trade @ | Luvers will manage to liv on | |11| G || wet sloppines @ | luv for a very long time, with an | |12| M || @ @ Judas waz a | ockashional chance at beefstake | |13| T || | and onions. | |14| W || @ @ ded beat @ @ | | |15| T || !i¡n¡k¡r¡e¡a¡s¡i¡n¡g! | * * * * * | |16| F || @ weather @ expekt | | |17| S || @ pak pedlars @ | | |18| G || @ more @ kold @ | Biographys are delitesum reading, | |19| M || a stich in @ @ | we kompare all the virtews | |20| T || @ @ time saves @ | ov the persons karakter with our | |21| W || @ nine @ snow | own, and all hiz failings with our | |22| T || @ storm ~ Mag @ | nabors. | |23| F || Birch * died * 1826 | | |24| S || @ @ hi winds | * * * * * | |25| G || Mag want @ @ | | |26| M || @ @ a suckcess @ | | |27| T || @ sour ß kold @ | I know numbers who owe | |28| W || Ben Franklin @ @ | mutch ov their virtew to their | |29| T || @ flu a @ | ekonemy, they are too stingy to | |30| F || @ kite @ @ @ | pay the market price ov iniquity. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE OWL._

The owl iz a grizzly grey package, and haz a grate round face az sober, and intelligent az a cheshire cheese. They kant see bi dalite, but can see by starlite to pik up a pin. They hunt for a living, and are very smart, and sudden, on a field mouse, or a meddo mole. The most wonderphull thing about an owl iz the sollum importanse ov the whole kritter, az he sits on hiz perch, looking over kreashun, just az tho he owned the whole ov it. Next to a newly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, seated on hiz throne, with a poor devil before him charged with the emoshional krime ov stealing a string ov onions, the owl haz more rare, and unfathomable wisdum in hiz face than enny thing on earth. I hav looked at them for haff an hour stiddy, in a shop window, to see if they winkt, untill i waz ashamed ov mi impudense, but theze owls, i found out afterwards, waz stuffed. I would thank enny one to tell me if an owl ever duz wink, and if so, how often. Owls liv to a good old age, but are not good for diet, they are one ov the fu things we kno ov, that the more yu bile them, the tuffer they gro. Biled owl iz the most ungratefull vittles that enny man ever sot in front ov. I never et enny biled owl but once, and that waz 40 years ago, and i kan taste it now, every time i think ov it.

_REMNANTS._

I kno ov people so fond ov contradickshun that it wouldn't surprize me to hear them disputing with a guide board, at the forks ov sum kuntry road, about the distance to the next town.

* * * * *

Falling in luv iz like falling down stairs, we never kan tell exackly how the thing waz did.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1877.

Q.--Who iz the biggest hipokrit? @ @ @

A.--He who calls vice plezzure. @ @ @

_Az lean in flesh az a grid iron, Sollum he sits, the old Fox hound, Hiz ears hang down like wet rags, And hiz keen noze studdys the ground._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Items._ | _FROST WORK._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || Raw @ kold @ | | | 2| G || @ now jam fires | It ought to be a fair trade to | | 3| M || more @ rawy @ | swop religions, but whare will | | 4| T || Peter denied hiz | yu find the christian party that | | 5| W || @ master @ kold | iz willing to do it. | | 6| T || @ grows @ Dick @ | | | 7| F || @ @ Blister died | | | 8| S || @ 1839 @ more @ | * * * * * | | 9| G || inklement @ Dick | | |10| M || @ Blister * waz * a | | |11| T || @ konfidence man | I find it iz a grate deal eazier | |12| W || | for mi philosophy to ackount | |13| T || @ dredphul koldy @ | for original sin, than for an | |14| F || @ now dig @ | attack ov the jumping tooth ake. | |15| S || ice @ it snows ß | | |16| G || @ @ munny @ @ | | |17| M || iz power @ wind | * * * * * | |18| T || @ @ @ nor east | | |19| W || Jackson waz a Ψ @ | | |20| T || @ dimokrat @ big | Temptashuns iz what tries a | |21| F || @ snow ** in time | mans moral grip, Adam and | |22| S || @ @ ov peace ~ | Eve were very good plums untill | |23| || prepare @ for @ | the devil shook their bush, then | |24| M || @ @ war @ @ | they let go their holt immijiately. | |25| T || @ intense @ kold | | |26| W || @ Molly Bristow @ | | |27| T || born @ 1840 @ | * * * * * | |28| F || @ kolder @ Molly | | |29| S || @ waz * a * shop @ | | |30| G || @ lifter @ Good @ | Marrid life iz too often a mere | |31| M || @: Bye everyboddy | trial ov enduranse. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_TRIALS AND PERSEKUSHUNS OV AN AUTHOR._

Josh Billings' "_Farmer's Allminax_" for the year 1878 is now on our desk, and why will the friends of this man allow him to disgrace himself, and humanity too, by spreading such nonsense broadcast through the land?

_St. Louis Advance._

* * * * *

Vile trash! when are we to be released from this annual overflow, this ideotick Allminac? Kind heaven, tell us when.

_Milwaukee Daily Bread._

* * * * *

Over Ninety Thousand of Josh Billings' "_Farmer's Allminax_" are sold each year. How long iz this to continue? Will not the publick arise in their insulted dignity, and drive this pest from the world?

_Boston Pilgrim._

* * * * *

Shoot him! shoot the "_Allminax_" maker.

_Arkansas Bowie Knife._

* * * * *

Alass! alass! is there no eskape, is thare no place in the wide world that we can fly to, and be free from this sickening visit--this yearly avalanche? A curse on "Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax."

_Chicago Budget._

31 Days. JANUARY. 1878.

_The yung Trotter at first, Az he stands bi hiz dam, Is all legs like a shanghi, And az meek az a lam._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BRILLIANTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Now prospekt | | | 2| W || for @ ice @ | I allwuss think that it iz good | | 3| T || sighns ov kold @ | taste, and pretty good religion | | 4| F || @ the bumble bee | too, when a man prays for the | | 5| S || iz still [?] very @ | sins ov the people, to count | | 6| G || Kold @ Pete Hyer | himself in. | | 7| M || Ω perished 1814 @ | | | 8| T || @ more @ kolder | | | 9| W || \ Pet @ choked / | * * * * * | |10| T || @ to deth < big | | |11| F || -: snouness :- | | |12| S || Pete Hyer @ waz ¶ | Wimmin dont like to be loved | |13| G || @ hung @ fine @ | too mutch, and i rejoice in their | |14| M || @ sleighing @ raw | spunk. | |15| T || | | |16| W || but Ω kold @ now | | |17| T || @ puntch @ fires | * * * * * | |18| F || < more @ snow > | | |19| S || hooping @ @ cough | | |20| G || invented ! = ? 1206 | Heathens, poor benighted kritters, | |21| M || more @ rauness | dont indulge in horse trotts, | |22| T || now () pay (!) yure | nor law suits neither. | |23| W || @tax@ snow 4 @ | | |24| T || feet deep @ Jane ~ | | |25| F || -: Barker Ψ fell :- | * * * * * | |26| S || 1832 (@) more @ | | |27| G || @ kolder Jane @ | | |28| M || @ Barker @ fell @ | If you hav enny doubt about | |29| T || @ down cellar (!) | the propriety ov a thing, you | |30| W || @ now ¶ krak @ | may be pretty certain that the | |31| T || > buttnutts. < | doubt iz right. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW._

The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent from enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny nests, but lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz darn mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick.

_THE JACKDAW._

The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv, and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss to him az they kan git.

_CHIPS._

The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskovered yet, iz to find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him.

* * * * *

About the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around the corner.

28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1878.

_But he grows like a weed, 'Till he iz four years old, He iz hi headed, and rangey, Flat-footed, and bold._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BAUBLES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Kold @ more | | | 2| S ||so @ now thrash @ |About the hardest condishun | | 3| G ||beans @ very @ |ov life to sustain, iz one ov | | 4| M ||kolder > Betsey -: |respektable poverty. | | 5| T ||Mitchell @ born @ | | | 6| W ||1842 @ kold @ | * * * * * | | 7| T ||continues @ @ Betsey | | | 8| F ||Mitchell -: had @ | | | 9| S ||a @ cork leg < |Thare are folks who kant bear | |10| G ||@ kolder @ still ¶ |to do enny thing unless thare iz a | |11| M ||@ now smite @ |commishun in it, if they subskribe | |12| T ||wood @ wind west § |a thousand dollars for bilding a | |13| W ||Hank Brewster @ |church, they want 10 per cent off | |14| T ||died 1796 @ snow |for cash. | |15| F ||@ falls @ Hank @ | | |16| S ||Brewster § died a @ | * * * * * | |17| G || | | |18| M ||@ lazyness @ kold @ | | |19| T ||waxes § now the @ |The man who kant find enny | |20| W ||hornet is hush § sum |thing to do, gennerally hunts with | |21| T ||more snow * whiske |grate caushun. | |22| F ||iz a tonick = very ¶ | | |23| S ||kold @ now pla kards | * * * * * | |24| G ||it thaws @ Lazarus | | |25| M ||died poor @ sighns | | |26| T ||ov snow @ now @ |Buty has won menny a viktory | |27| W ||renew notes @ more |but seldum has suckceeded in | |28| T ||snow @ keep calm. |keeping it long. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_K._

_Kontentment_ iz not one ov mi strong holts, i never am kontented unless i am fast asleep. If i could hav mi choice, to be thoroly kontented with things az i find them in this world, or be a Rockaway klam, i would be the klam.

_L._

_Luv_ iz a game for young folks to pla at, but when a man gits az old, and az homely az i am, and takes a hand at it, he iz sure to git ukered. If ten waz the game, Cupid could giv an old phellow seven points, and then beat him badly.

_M._

_Milk Puntch_ iz a fluid that i do luv extrornary well, and aint ashamed to oun it. But whether it iz the milk in it, or the puntch in it, that suits me so well, i aint obliged to tell. Human natur iz weak yu kno, and needs a little puntching up, in a hot day.

_N._

_Nonsense_ iz one ov mi prinsipal weaknesses, i luv it in any shape, but az quails on toast improve the quails, and dont hurt the toast, so i prefer to hav mi nonsense bilt on sense. Good nonsense iz one ov the rarest artikles in the literary bazaar, and allwuss commands admirashun, and fetches a good price.

_SQUIBS._

Human beings are natral slovens, yu hav got to hold a yung one tight to wash hiz face the fust time, and to comb hiz hair, yu hav acktually got to run him down.

* * * * *

The man who haint never bin cheated, dont kno so mutch az he will sum day before long perhaps.

31 Days. MARCH. 1878.

_Then he iz harnesst, and broke, A hard task indeed, And, handled quite gently, To draw out his speed._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BAGATELLES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Windy :- now |An illustrious pedigree iz a | | 2| S || hunt for @ maple |risky possesshun, the world wont | | 3| G ||sugar @ :- mutch @ |kompare you with yure peers, nor | | 4| M || @ wind @ Jabez x |with yureself, but are all the time | | 5| T || Brown @ run @ |striking a ballance between you, | | 6| W || away @ 1840:- it |and yure ded grandfather | | 7| T ||@ rains -: Jabez @ | | | 8| F || @ run @ away | * * * * * | | 9| S || with (@) Suzan @ | | |10| G || @ Fletcter + now |A _ded beat_ iz a natural born | |11| M || > the frog @ |hipokrit, he haz kapasity enuff to | |12| T || @ ! yells ! @ |make him respektable, but the | |13| W || @ windy @ some @ |devil holds a fust mortgage on | |14| T || haste @ makes @ |it. | |15| F ||@ waste ( ! ) rain | | |16| S || @ and @ wind | * * * * * | |17| G || @ now = fri @ | | |18| M || nutcakes @ sum * |A careless man in a family iz | |19| T || @ more @ wind = |simply a noosance, but a sluttish | |20| W ||† Joel † Sprauge † |woman iz wuss than a blister. | |21| T || @ marrid 1400 > | | |22| F || wind @ nor west @ | * * * * * | |23| S || now @ murder @ | | |24| G || @ kats @ more |I hav finally got to that | |25| M || :: wind @ buty |point whare I aint very posative | |26| T || @ for @ ashes < |ov what other people kno, and | |27| W ||+ wind * howleth :: |aint at all certain ov what I kno | |28| T || @ sow @ peas @ |miself. | |29| F || @ more @ wind @ | | |30| S || > go @ slow @ | | |31| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE CENTAUR._

The centaur iz not an Amerikan, but blooms in the land far away to the eastward, whare the muskeeto iz unknown, and whare the pensiv kokroach putteth in no appearance. He is haff horse, and haff sum other phellow, and hunts for fun, and sumthing to eat. He haz got a hed on him like Demostheneze ov old, and wears hiz hair short in front, but flooded down on hiz nek, and over hiz shoulders, like a growth ov yung hop vines, in a hot house. Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a single feather off from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly The centaur allwuss hunts on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov shooting the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz thrown finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost jewell, hiz hair quivers like an aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. I hav et plain hash untill i am tired ov it, and would like no better phun than to mount a centaur, without enny bridle on him, and with a mermaid in front ov me, and a ghost behind, take a free, and rekless ride, a ride ov genius, to the ends ov the earth. But I suppoze I should git sik ov this, in a day, or two, and want to ride sumthing else.

_IMPS._

Poverty haz been called safe, but poverty even, haz got to lock up its mouldy bread, and cheeze, or loze it.

* * * * *

Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread.

30 Days. APRIL. 1878.

_When he reaches six years, He iz called a full horse, And iz thought fit to trot, For a puss on the course._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _REVOLVERS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Soft weather |He who haz nothing to do in | | 2| T || the dandylion @ |this world but to amuze himself, | | 3| W || cometh @ warm |haz got the hardest job on hand I | | 4| T || rain :: now the @ |kno ov. | | 5| F || robin = skreameth | | | 6| S || @sum@ more @ | * * * * * | | 7| G || softness @ Bill | | | 8| M || Baxter @ sprained |Thare iz nothing that yu and I, | | 9| T || @ hiz = ankle :: |make so menny blunders about, | |10| W || 1836= it rains @ |and the world so few, az the | |11| T || @ Venuss waz @ |aktual amount ov our importance. | |12| F || @ the @ goddess @ | | |13| S || ov buty @ bright < | * * * * * | |14| G || day @ @ now chuck | | |15| M || @ in @ onion @ |The fust thing a man duz in | |16| T || seed @ @ mild @ |the morning, iz to feel for hiz | |17| W || @ and @ pretty @ |pocket-book, and the fust thing | |18| T || @ Ben Franklin :: |a woman duz, iz to see if the | |19| F || = iz ded :: mutch |looking glass iz all right. | |20| S || rain = @ now = | | |21| G || @ fish @ for @ | * * * * * | |22| M || suckers = wind | | |23| T || @ southy @ by @ |He who works for notoriety | |24| W || @ south < Bacchus |had rather be insulted, than not | |25| T || waz a winebibber @ |be notissed at all. | |26| F || @ soft @ rain @ | | |27| S || @ Sam @ Perkins> | | |28| G || :-died 1813 @ hot | | |29| M ||the violet iz here!! | | |30| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE AUCKSHIONEER._