Part 14

Faith iz the right bower ov hope. If it want for faith thare would be no living in this world, we couldn't even eat hash with enny safety. Human knolledge iz very short, and dont reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite, but faith lightens up the road, so that we kan see to read the letterings on the mile stuns az we travel. Faith has won more viktorys than all the other pashuns ov the harte put together, for faith iz one ov them kind ov warriors that dont kno when she is whipt. But faith iz no milk sop, but a live fighter, she dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes, but she is the heroine ov a forlorn hope. I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attributes i would take it all in Faith, and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various kinds ov dri bones that iz lieing around loose in the world. Faith haz allwus been one ov the best holts ov the Billings family, from the daze ov Noah, down to now.

_HOW IZ THIS?_

Experience ackts on sum pholks vitals just az it duz on a bull tarrier, he dont fairly git over one whipping before he begins to look around for another.

* * * * *

The vulgar allwuss notiss everything they see.

The monkey iz one ov our poor relashuns, and skratches hiz hed az natral az a skool boy duz,--and probably for simular reazons.=

Funny, aint it, Josh Billings

Thare may cum a time, when the Lion, and the Lam will lie down together,--i shall be az glad to see it az enny boddy,--but i am still betting on the Lion.=

Truly, Josh Billings.

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite amuzement? @ @ @

A.--Sleeping. @ @ @

_He meets with a smooth faced old villain, Who ov a bad stamp would git free, But the boy twiddles hiz fingers, and sez, "Yu kant kum that ere over me."_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _SWEET WILLIAMS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ @ Mild @ Ω | | | 2| T || and slik @ Ω @ § | Bashfullness iz often like the | | 3| F || Zip Coon @ [§] | plating on spoons, when it wears | | 4| S || @ @ died 1822 | off, it shows the brass. | | 5| G || @ tender @ @ | | | 6| M || winds @ @ @ | | | 7| T || @ Ψ Zip waz | * * * * * | | 8| W || a coloured @ @ | | | 9| T || §.*.@ brother Ψ | Lerning pays a better interest | |10| F || mello rain Ψ Ω | than munny duz, besides the | |11| S || @ @ put not yure | prinsipal never gits lost. | |12| G || trust in Ψ @ | | |13| M || | | |14| T || @ @ members ov | * * * * * | |15| W || @ @ the legislatur | | |16| T || more mello @ Ω | | |17| F || rain @ @ now | Abuv all things, lern yure child | |18| S || @ consume @ | to be honest and industrious; if | |19| G || @ @ @ oysters | theze two things dont enable him | |20| M || perhaps rain, Ψ @ | to make a figger in this world, he | |21| T || @ @ perhaps not | iz only a cypher, and never waz | |22| W || go slo @ @ @ | intended for a figger. | |23| T || @ expekt frost @ | | |24| F || @ @ now hunt | | |25| S || for fleas @ @ @ | * * * * * | |26| G || @ @ frost last @ @ | | |27| M || night @ @ @ | | |28| T || @ fleas are quicker | It iz so natral to phind fault, | |29| W || than a ghost @ @ | that i wonder we are ever suited | |30| T || Ψ mild, but butiful | with ennything. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EKONEMY._

Ekonemy iz the art ov allwuss gitting the worth ov yure munny, and gitting the right change bak, and it iz also the art ov making 10 cents, once in a while, go az fur az a shilling. It iz like an ear fur musik, it has got to be born the same time yu are, or not at all. Yu kant larn an extravagant person to be ekonomikal enny more than yu kan learn a muskeeter to quit eating, when he haz got enuff. Thiz iz funny, but it iz too true to laff at. Ekonemy iz the mother-in-law ov Prosperity, and she iz one ov them kind ov mother-in-laws that never made enny disturbanse in the family. Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out 9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime.

_HARK!_

Cunning men are like a hand saw,--they only hav teeth on one side ov them.

* * * * *

Next in point ov meanness, to doing a man an injury, iz to do him a favour, and every now, and then, remind him ov it.

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1875.

Q.--Who's yure favourite painters? @ @ @

A.--Sunrize and sunset. § @ @

_Having sold out hiz papers, our hero, To some cheap hash hous skampers away, And after he calls for hiz luncheon, He reckons his gains for the day._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _DAISYS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @§@ October haz ::: | | | 2| S || @ 31 days @ | It waz a wize phello who put | | 3| G || and @ @ nights | on hiz spektickles when he et | | 4| M || @ stiff weather @ | strawberrys, it made a pint go az | | 5| T || now mutilate @ @ | fur az a quart. | | 6| W || @ @ apples for sider | | | 7| T || @ sharp @ frost @ | | | 8| F || about @ now @ @ | * * * * * | | 9| S || @ @ Fred Simmons | | |10| G || @ born @ 1694 @ | | |11| M || leaves fall @ @ Ω | To lie about a man never hurts | |12| T || @ @ Fred Simmons | him, but to tell the truth about | |13| W || | him sumtimes duz. | |14| T || played the @ @ @ | | |15| F || @ @ bass drum | | |16| S || expekt @ @ § | | |17| G || @ @ @ @ sno | * * * * * | |18| M || @ @ now @ | | |19| T || slaughter @ @ | | |20| W || @ @ cockroaches | | |21| T || kondem @ @ @ | When the weather fair iz everyboddy | |22| F || @ chilly @ | haz got an umbreller to | |23| S || man iz @ @ | lend. | |24| G || @ @ mortal @ | | |25| M || sighns @ @ @ | | |26| T || @ @ ov @ @ | * * * * * | |27| W || @ @ winter | | |28| T || the bull @ @ | | |29| F || @ frog iz hush @ | The man who seeks temtashun | |30| S || pear @ apples @ | must either be an angell or a | |31| G || @ @ @ nites @ | phool,--probably a phool. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HAM, AND EGG._

Thare are certain things in this world that seem just az tho they waz born for each other, and ham, and egg, are two ov them things. Altho they cum from quite different lokalitys, they must be twins, for they are so often seen together. If i kan hav all the ham, and egg i want, kodphish bawls may tak a bak seat for the present. Vittles and drink hav allwuss been a staple artikle with human natur, and when they play out, i am reddy to quit. Sum pholks are so etherial that they kan liv on the smell ov biled kabbage, but i must hav a chunk ov the kabbage. Pholks may talk about ambrozial nektar az mutch az they pleze, they kant phool me with enny ov thoze kind ov essences, for i hav lived just long enuff to find out, that the best ov society, hav got to hav their biled vittles, kind ov reglar, even if they tak them on the sli, or they will soon peg out. Natur is natur, and she will hav her ham, and egg. Natur iz a little raw once in a while, but she allwuss stands up for her rights, and tho yu may defraud her, yu kant kompromise with her. Ham, and egg, was a bevarage long before Noahs freshet.

_TAKE NOTISS._

Good breeding makes all kondishuns ov life equal.

* * * * *

Anger allwus hurts us more than it duz the other phellow which we git mad at.

30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1875.

Q.--What's yure idea ov happiness? @ @ @

A.--Tite gluvs, and eazy boots. @ @ @

_After greedily eatin his luncheon, He lies bak and snoozes a bit, And when nite cums you'll find him enjoying, A seat in the Bowery pit._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _SNO DROPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || !!!! Winter howls | | | 2| T || let her @ @ | Gossip iz more ketching than | | 3| W || @ @ howl @ | the meazles iz. | | 4| T || @ who @ kares | | | 5| F || grate sno @ @ | | | 6| S || @ Mrs. Stebbins | * * * * * | | 7| G || died 11 @ @ | | | 8| M || @ @ bitter | The covetous man iz like a | | 9| T || kold @ @ @ | sponge, it takes in all the moistur | |10| W || @ Mrs. Stebbins | that cums near it, but lets | |11| T || took snuff @ @ | out none until it iz squeezed. | |12| F || | | |13| S || @ @ @ 62 years | | |14| G || more kold @ @ | * * * * * | |15| M || @ now mastikate | | |16| T || @ slapjax @ @ | | |17| W || it freezes @ when | Thare iz a grate menny ginger-pop | |18| T || @ the kat iz @ @ | people in this world, after | |19| F || away, the mice @ | they hav bin uncorked a fu minnitts,| |20| S || will play @ ground | they git to be dredphul | |21| G || froze up @ @ | flatt. | |22| M || now hire @ @ | | |23| T || @ & skool moms | | |24| W || @ sno a @ @ | * * * * * | |25| T || foot deep @ @ | | |26| F || @ @ @ babes in | The quickest way to take the | |27| S || the woods @ @ | starch out ov a man who iz allwuss | |28| G || @ @ lost 1614 | blameing himself, iz to agree | |29| M || winter iz @ @ @ | with him, this aint what he iz | |30| T || @ @ here @ @ | looking for. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_THE PISSMIRE._

The pissmire iz a blak bugg about 23 times az big az the ant, and az phull ov important bizzness az the chairman ov a wimmins rights convenshun. They hav thirteen konsekutive leggs on each side ov their boddys, and allwuss travel on the run. They are like sum men, ever hunting for sumthing to do, but never was known to find it. I hav seen them travel for two hours, bakwards, and forwards, and not git 3 feet from whare they started from, stopping every now and then to listen. The pissmire iz the loafer amung bugs, and like other loafers, livs from hand to mouth. Their home iz a hole in the ground, but call on them az often az yu pleze, yu will never find them in. They git up late, and go to bed late, and are allwuss hungry, and hollow. They are az lazy az mollassis in the month ov Febuary, and az useless az an extra dog in a family. Pissmires are a poor speculashun, i wouldn't giv 50 cents for the whole krop.

_REFLECKSHUNS._

If yu are going to giv a man enny thing giv it to him cheerfully, and quick, dont make him git down on hiz kneeze in front ov yu, and listen to the 10 commandments, and then yu giv him 5 cents.

* * * * *

The man who is allwuss confessing hiz sins, and never quitting them, iz the most onsartin sinner i kno ov.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1875.

Q.--Who's yure favourite heroine in romanse? @ @

A.--Old Mother Hubbard. @ @ @

_When the sensashun drama is ended, Our hero remembers with pain, That the plezzures ov life are but fleeting, And he goes for hiz koal box again._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billing's Log._ | _TIGER LILYS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @@@ December @ | | | 2| T || hath 31 daze @ @ | Thare iz in sum men a grate | | 3| F || @ @ sum kold @ @ | deal ov humor, that iz like the | | 4| S || now arouze @ @ | frolik in a puppy, dont mean | | 5| G || @ @ @ fires | ennything in purtikular. | | 6| M || merkury 10 belo @ | | | 7| T || @ a spri sixpence | | | 8| W || @ iz better than @ | * * * * * | | 9| T || a @ lazy Ω dime | | |10| F || immense sno @ @ | | |11| S || @ @ now pay | Thare iz nothing we are more | |12| G || the printer @ @ | apt to parade before others, than | |13| M || | our kares and sorrows, and thare | |14| T || @ Sister Perkins @ | iz nothing the world kares so little| |15| W || born 1500 @ @ | about. | |16| T || more @ @ @ | | |17| F || @ koldness @ | | |18| S || Sister Perkins @ | | |19| G || @ waz a femail @ | * * * * * | |20| M || lekturer @ kold | | |21| T || @ increases @ | | |22| W || Sister Perkins @ | | |23| T || lektured ¶ her @ | Reason often makes mistakes, | |24| F || @ husband nites @ | but conshience never duz. | |25| S || dreary winter @ @ | | |26| G || @ @ @ iz here | | |27| M || farewell my @ @ | | |28| T || @ @ darlings @ | * * * * * | |29| W || look for @ @ | | |30| T || @ (!) me next | | |31| F || year @ @@ @ | A blush kant be kounterfited. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_WHAT THE PAPERS THINK._

Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" has come again, it is as welcome, and genial, as dew to the parched earth.--_London Speckletator._

* * * * *

It is joy for the fireside, it is rest for the weary.--_Newburyport Guardian._

* * * * *

Fresher, fairer, more fertile, and funny than ever, may its sweet face look in upon us for all time, delightfull Josh Billings' "Allminax," record of the past, bright promise of the future.--_Savannah Amarinth._

* * * * *

How crisp! how tart!--_London Queen._

* * * * *

Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" is a bright jewel in the current literature of the day.--_Louisville Dispatch._

* * * * *

Bless the dear little waif, we love it, and who shall chide us for loveing!--_Lady's Journal._

* * * * *

We have received Mr. Joshua Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" for 1876, and shall notice its contents at our very earliest convenience.--_Edinburgh Review._

* * * * *

It's a square deal, chuncky and smart.--_Texas Blade._

_LATEST NUZE._

Dik Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibuss, on a 50 cent driver, ov the 23' street line ov stages. Held for examinashun.

* * * * *

It iz sed (but not offishall) that Mr. & Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the white mountains next season. Their dauter Betsey Punchinello iz sed tew be engaged to the Baron Von Chalk, and the family will enter seklushun on this ackount.

* * * * *

A writer in Blackwood's magazine estimates that thare haint been, in all, over 200 fleas killed since the flood.

* * * * *

_On dit_, that Dick Manchester haz quit the 3 kard monte bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately, at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.

* * * * *

We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. & Mrs. David Jibboom, their respektibility iz now fully established, having appeared on the avenew with a two hoss carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band, and two rows of brass buttons.

* * * * *

The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.

* * * * *

Matilda O'Brigham, four days in her last place, with a karakter, will receive proposals at her residence in makrel row. No objekshuns to going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady provided suitable references are given. Lessons on the piano will be taken instead ov the usual presents expekted from the family.

_THE DONKEY._

I hav watched the donkey with a grate deal ov pashunt anxiety. They are about 3 foot hi, and sumthing like three foot six inches lengthwize. They hav a normal appetight, and will eat all the time, and more too. They aint partikular about their vittles, and will tri hard to swallo a hoss shu, but they kant do it. The donkey iz one ov naturs jokes, a sort ov pun on a horse, which i could never see the point to. They are az sett in their ways, az a gate post, and are the only live things that are too mutch for a klub. They will stand more pounding than a sheaf ov wet oats, without shelling out. The donkey haz 2 ears, and only 1 tale, and the ears are to the rest ov their boddy, like two steeples to a church. The donkey iz a sober, and misterious kuss. Fairwell yu sad, and thinking kritter, i may never again rite yure memoirs, but whether I dont, or do, I shall allways respekt yu, az a donkey, that's all. Az a cluss studdy, the donkey iz az full ov interest, az a mile stun, with the letterings all worn oph. Donkeys will liv forever, or thareabouts, and retain their buty, and intelligence to the last. Adew you graven image, you solid one, adew!

_PONDER._

To lie about a man never hurts him, but to tell the truth about him sumtimes duz.

* * * * *

I think it iz good taste, and also good judgement, when a man prays for the sins ov the people, that he should count himself in.

I hav known men so pious that when they went out a fishing on Sunday, they allwuss prayed for good luk

a fakt, Josh Billings

The fly is a friendly kritter, tho i never see him the wuss for liquor,--but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the wuss for flys.

Jess so Josh Billings

31 Days. JANUARY. 1876.

Q.--Who iz the meanest man? @ @ @

A.--He who peeks thru a key hole. @ @ @

_John Simpson waz a bachelor, Ov forty, perhaps ov forty-three, With the dispepshy onto him, Wuss than enny man yu ever see._