Part 13

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _TULIPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ @ Windy | A pedant iz one who overestimates | | 2| T || winds @ @ now | whatever he haz got, | | 3| W || @ @ dig out @ | whether it be learning, munny, | | 4| T || woodchucks @ | dri goods, or the rumatism. | | 5| F || @ @ expekt wind | | | 6| S || Sam Davis born @ | * * * * * | | 7| G || @ 1632 @ more | | | 8| M || wind @ Sam Davis | I dont reckolekt ov ever doing | | 9| T || @ @ was an @ @ | ennything that i waz just a little | |10| W || operator @ @ | ashamed ov, but what sum one | |11| T || @ @ look out for | waz sure to remember it, and | |12| F || wind @ @ @ Sam | every once in a while put me in | |13| S || @ Davis operated | mind ov it. | |14| G ||on hen roosts @ @ | | |15| M ||prepare for wind @ | * * * * * | |16| T || @ @ now pay @ | | |17| W || yure dets @ @ | The most bitter kriticks we hav | |18| T || @ windyness @ @ | are those who hav failed themself | |19| F || prevails @ @ @ | to write ennything worth | |20| S || @ @ @ Adam | reading. | |21| G || waz a weak @ @ | | |22| M || @ @ @ @ sister | * * * * * | |23| T || mutch signs @ @ | | |24| W || @ @ ov wind | He who haz got nothing to do | |25| T || now sarch @ @ | in this world but amuze himself, | |26| F || @ @ @ for hoss | haz got the hardest job on hand i | |27| S || radish @ @ @ | kno ov. | |28| G || @ @ more wind | | |29| M || tud-stools @ @ | | |30| T ||@ diskovered 1283 | | |31| W || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_FUN._

Fun is the cheapest fisick that haz bin diskovered yet, and the eazyest to take. Fun pills are sugar coated, and no change ov diet iz necessary while taking them. A little fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they managed to tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun, 10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply fools, and dont seem to kno it. The Billings family are allwuss on the lookout for fun, it iz sed ov Dexter Billings, one ov our pristines, that he had to be kept under 500 dollar bonds all the time, to keep him from laffing in church. Ackordin to all ackounts this Dexter Billings waz a cuss. Fun iz the pepper and salt ov every day life, and all he really wiz men who hav ever lived, hav used it freely for seazoning.

_HEAR YEE._

The man who kan set himself to work, at enny thing, on 5 minnitts notiss, haz got one of the best trades i kno ov.

* * * * *

Virtew that kant whip Vice, in a fair stand up fite, enny time, aint worth having.

30 Days. APRIL. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite style of buty? @ @ @

A.--Mi mother's. @ @ @

_"Er'es the Errald, Times, Sun, World, and Tribune," Iz the yung merchants ear piercing kry, "Got the orfull smash up on the rale rode,"-- And a kuntryman stops him to buy._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _PRIMROSES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Gentle showers @ | About az low down az a man | | 2| F ||@ @ @ now @ | kan git, and not quite spile, iz to | | 3| S ||insert onion @ @ | liv on his wife's reputashun. | | 4| G || @ seed @ @ | | | 5| M || @ @ more rain | | | 6| T ||@ @ perpetual @ | * * * * * | | 7| W || moshun diskovered | | | 8| T || @ @ 1832 @ @ | | | 9| F ||@ @ more rain @ | A good karakter is allwuss | |10| S || perpetual @ @ | gained bi inches, but iz often lost | |11| G || @ @ moshon @ | in one chunk. | |12| M ||lost 1313 @ @ | | |13| T || @ inkreasing @ | | |14| W ||@ @ wetness @ | * * * * * | |15| T || now prospekt @ @ | | |16| F ||@ for dandylions | | |17| S || | To be strong a man should hav | |18| G || @ @ Abner | plenty ov friends, and plenty ov | |19| M || Durham @ @ | enemys--too menny friends weakens | |20| T ||@ @ @ born 956 | him, and too menny enemys | |21| W || expekt rain @ @ | makes him a vagabond. | |22| T ||@ Abner Durham | | |23| F ||waz a @ @ @ | | |24| S || pedlar @ wet | * * * * * | |25| G || rain @ @ Abner | | |26| M ||@ Durham [!!] | | |27| T || peddled goose yokes | The man who haz sworn not to | |28| W ||@ rain @ @ luv me, | forgiv haz uttered the wust oath | |29| T || luv @ mi @ dog | he kan take. | |30| F ||@ damp drizzles @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EAZY BOOTS._

One ov the eazyest things in this world iz a loose boot, it iz just az eazy az falling oph from a log, when yu are fast asleep. The man who fust invented tite boots committed suiside, so i hav been told, this waz kind in the phellow. But if he had committed suiside before he had been born, it would hav been kinder still. Eazy boots are one ov the luxurys ov life, what the other luxurys are i dont kno, and dont kare. Enney man who kan wear a tite boot, and enjoy it, iz either a martyr, or a phool, it makes but little difference which. Tite boots produce korns, bunyons, and swareing, and thare iz only one thing kan be said in their favour, they make a man forgit all hiz other sorrows. An eazy boot will humanize a sinner faster than two mishionary kan. Vanity iz the Godfather ov tite boots, and just so long az men mistake a number eleven foot, for a number nine boot, just so long we shall see them limping around, with boots on two sizes too small. Next to a klear conshience, for solid cumfort, and every day wear, cums an eazy boot.

_HITS._

After trieing for more than 35 years to hav mi own way in all things, i have finally cum to the konklushun, to split the difference.

* * * * *

Everyboddy seems to konsider himself a kind ov moral half bushel, to meazzure the worlds frailtys in.

Mules are like sum men, very corrupt at harte.--I hav known them to be good mules for 6 months, just to git a good chance to kik sumboddy= Josh Billings=

Yu kant do ennything fust rate with a flea on yu,--except sware, and fleas aint afrade ov that.=

Yures respekfully. Josh Billings=

31 Days.

MAY.

1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite flower? @ @ @

A.--Buckwheat flour. @ @ @

_Another boy rushes to serve him, But our hero wont stand it no how, So he pockets the kuntryman's munny, And fixes himself for a row._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _DAFFODILLS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ Dandylions @ | | | 2| G || @ are @ here @ | The man who haz got nothing | | 3| M || warm @ @ | to reckomend him but robust | | 4| T || @ and fine @ | helth, and an excessiv flo ov animal| | 5| W || @ @ tud-stools | spirits, iz az unplezant an | | 6| T || hav arrived @ @ | assoshiate az a 4 year old kolt. | | 7| F || @ @ it rains @ | | | 8| S || frogs hav @ @ | | | 9| G || @ @ cum @ | * * * * * | |10| M || soft winds @ @ | | |11| T || @ @ the tax- @ | | |12| W || gatherer puts @ | Genius seems to be the fakulty | |13| T || @ @ in an @ | ov doing a thing excellently well, | |14| F || appearanse @ @ | that noboddy supposed could be | |15| S || @ @ showery | done at all. | |16| G || | | |17| M || now chuck @ @ | | |18| T || @ in gardin @ | * * * * * | |19| W || seeds @ @ @ | | |20| T || @ @ @ a butiful | | |21| F || day @ @ Abram | Helth is like munny, we never | |22| S || @ Barker elekted @ | hav a true idea ov its value untill | |23| G || constable @ @ | we lose it. | |24| M || @ @ @ kloudy | | |25| T || woman iz @ @ | | |26| W || @ a angell @ | * * * * * | |27| T || wind @ @ @ | | |28| F || @ southernly | | |29| S || now investigate @ | The most dangerous person in | |30| G || @ for hens eggs ¿? | this world, iz the one with the | |31| M || quite wet ! !- ! -! | most tallent, and the least virtew. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_WOMAN._

Woman iz the glass ware ov kreashun. She iz luvly, and brittle, but she haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az playing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam.

Adam iz captin, and i am reddy to admit, that he iz often a dreadphull poor one too. Woman iz the power behind the throne, she holds all the best playing kards in the pak, and her own good sense ought to teach her not to be in enny hurry to play them. I hav allwus sed, and i beleaf it still, that the time to be karfullest iz when you hav a hand phull ov trumps.

_PRIVATE SENTIMENTS._

If i had 75 children i would be sure and learn 60 ov them to allwus shut the door after them when they went out, and i wouldn't kare whether the other 15 ever learnt mutch or not.

* * * * *

Yung man, yu better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be both.

30 Days. JUNE. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite color? @ @ @

A.--Blood bay. @ @

_They "go in" like a pair ov yung tigers. And neither seems anxious to stop, Till they are suddenly brought to their senses, By a vigilant, fierce looking "cop."_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _HYACINTHS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ Wet rains | | | 2| W || Abigail Fish @ @ | I hav made up mi mind that | | 3| T || @ @ @ married | human hapness konsists in having | | 4| F || @ 1756 @ @ | a good deal to do, and then keep | | 5| S || warm heat @ @ | a doing it. | | 6| G || @ now ho @ | | | 7| M || gardens @ @ | * * * * * | | 8| T || @ @ expekt | | | 9| W || thunder @ @ | | |10| T || @ @ hot @ | Vanity iz az common to the | |11| F || rains @ @ @ | human family, az fleas iz to a dog, | |12| S || | and makes them just about az | |13| G || @ @ now hunt | oneazy. | |14| M || for musketoes @ | | |15| T || @ @ perhaps @ | | |16| W || rain, @ @ @ | * * * * * | |17| T || @ perhaps not | | |18| F || @ now kast @ | | |19| S || yure bread @ @ | The man who kant enjoy ennything | |20| G || @ @ on the @ | but flattery, iz az bad oph | |21| M || waters @ @ | az the one who kant drink ennything | |22| T || @ sighns ov @ | but whiskey. | |23| W || litening @ @ @ | | |24| T || @ now fish @ @ | | |25| F || for frogs @ @ | | |26| S || @ @ it iz hotter | * * * * * | |27| G || @ @ @ @ Andrew | | |28| M || @ @ Jackson iz no | | |29| T || more @ it raineth | A true friend iz one who aint | |30| W || @ @ so beets & @ | afrade to tell yu ov yure faults. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_POLITENESS._

What a man kant win in this world bi politeness aint worth having. Politeness iz just as natrul az fun iz, and iz the cheapest way to git a living i kno ov. It haz made more friends than enny thing else ever haz, and haz kept them longer. It dont kost enny more to be polite than it duz to be happy, and enny man iz a phool who kant be either, if he iz a mind to. I hav known it to sukceed whare every thing else had failed, and i never knu it to fail, whare it undertook to sukceed. It iz az eazy to apply az the "poor mans plaster," and it will allwus stik whare it iz stuk. Next to honesty, politeness iz queen bee in the hive, and the man who iz thoroly honest and thoroly polite, haz nothing to fear, or hope for. Politeness, without honesty, iz a good deal risky, but sumtimes the wust we kan call it iz, "a pleazant fraud."

_2 FAKTS._

The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mother in law.

* * * * *

One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man, iz to beat him in politeness.

31 Days. JULY. 1875.

Q.--Who's yure favourite proze author? @ @ &

A.--Noah Webster. @ @ @

_He takes them away to the stashun, Whare both are krestfallen and meek, And after a lektur on fiteing, The kids are discharged by the_ "beak."

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _TUBE ROSES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || Expekt grate @ @ | | | 2| F || @ @ hotness | He who expekts to be praized | | 3| S || @ now snaix @ | every time he duz a virtewous | | 4| G || @ are @ slippery @ | thing will soon git tired ov the | | 5| M || thunder & @ | bizzness. | | 6| T || @ @ mixt with | | | 7| W || @ @ litening & @ | | | 8| T || Hank Ketchum @ | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ @ @ born 1802 | | |10| S || @ @ @ hotter @ @ | | |11| G || Hank Ketchum @ | When people loze their property | |12| M || waz single @ & | they generally loze everything | |13| T || | else, in the estimashun ov | |14| W || @ @ more hotly | the world, except their faults and | |15| T || Hank @ @ @ | vices. | |16| F || @ @ Ketchum | | |17| S || @ parted hiz @ | | |18| G || hare in the @ @ | * * * * * | |19| M || @ & middle | | |20| T || sum & @ | | |21| W || @ @ litening @ | It iz the eazyest thing in natur | |22| T || about theze @ | to be honest, but most men make | |23| F || @ @ daze :: | dredphull hard work ov it. | |24| S || @ mad dogs @ | | |25| G || @ heard ov (o) | | |26| M || [!¡!] & less hot | * * * * * | |27| T || now destroy Ψ @ | | |28| W || @ grass for hay @ | | |29| T || sighns ov thunder Ω | A good deal ov buty, and a | |30| F || @ Ψ Σ honesty iz | good deal ov sense, are seldum | |31| S || the best policy Ψ Ω | found together. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EGG NOGG._

Thare iz no fluid known to mortal man, that haz got more bakbone, and less tangle leg, in a quart ov it, than good, old 1776, Egg Nogg. Our grand dads drank it fluently, and thankt the Lord, az it meandered sloly down their thruts. It iz bilt out ov sider, and fresh egg, and iz az phull ov fun, and innosense, az a kittens tail. Enny man who haz moral skruples about drinking a glass ov fresh made egg nogg, had better git hiz morality insured aginst acksidents at once, for he iz in danger ov having hiz morality kompletely eradikated from the face ov the earth. Morality that kant stand egg nogg, iz a weak sister. I luv egg nogg, and hope i allwuss shall. I kant tell yu now when egg nogg waz fust diskovered, nor who the lucky kritter waz who fust found it out, but i would giv 15 dollars at least to know that it waz one ov mi ansesstors. I am orphull proud ov the anshunt Billing'es and enny glory that fluktuates around them, kind ov circumambiates around me. This may look like weakness in me, but it iz natur, and i dont beleav in allwuss snubbing natur. I say let yure natur kind ov go it, onst in a while.

_SUM OPINYUNS._

Mi experience in life thus far haz been, that 7, wont go into 5, and hav mutch ov ennything left over.

* * * * *

I hav herd lies so well told that a man would allmost be a phool not to beleave them.

31 Days. AUGUST. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite perfume? @ @ @

A.--Modesty. @ @ @

_At liberty now out they skamper, But before their days work they renew, Our hero remarks to hiz rival, "Tommorow, I'll take kare ov yu."_

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _CARNASHUNS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || Big heat @ now | | | 2| M || @ hunt Ω for cool | When the vice and virtew in a | | 3| T || places @ thunder @ | man iz about haff and haff, he | | 4| W || @ and litening Ω | wants az mutch cluss watching az | | 5| T || mixt @ salamanders | a bile duz when it iz cumming to | | 6| F || @:@ diskovered 849 | a hed. | | 7| S || heat waxes @ Ω | | | 8| G || @ in Adam's sin @ | | | 9| M || @ we all jined in @ | * * * * * | |10| T || expekt sudden @ @ | | |11| W || Σ Ψ rain about | We are allwuss sure to think | |12| T || | just az other pholks do, provided | |13| F || theze daze Ψ @ | they think just az we do. | |14| S || Phil Sherman @ @ | | |15| G || @ @ born 1756 | | |16| M || @ @ @ heat | | |17| T || grows Σ Ω Ψ | * * * * * | |18| W || @ Σ heaty Ψ @ | | |19| T || Phil Sherman @ @ | | |20| F || @ @ @ waz a | | |21| S || hard-shell Ψ Σ | Make yureself necessary yung | |22| G || @ babtist @ | man, and yure suckcess iz sertain. | |23| M || Σ whew ! Ψ | | |24| T || how @ @ @ | | |25| W || @ @ @ hot | | |26| T || it am @ @ @ | * * * * * | |27| F || @ @ now @ @ | | |28| S || dig @ @ @ | | |29| G || @ @ @ for ice | Everyboddy applauds a virtewous | |30| M || bileing @ @ @ | ackshun, even the Devil himself | |31| T || @ @ hot @ @ | admires it. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_FAITH._