Part 12

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KONDENSED MILK._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T ||@ @ About these @ | The more rare a mans qualitys | | 2| F || days expekt rain | are, the more he will be found | | 3| S || @ @ @ now worry | falt with,--dust on a dimond iz | | 4| G || wood chucks @ @ | alwus more noticeable than dust | | 5| M || @ @ sighns ov | on a brik. | | 6| T || snow @ @ @ now | | | 7| W ||hurry coons @ @ @ | | | 8| T || @ cooler @ now | * * * * * | | 9| F || @ persekute musk | | |10| S || rats @ frost @ @ | | |11| G || @ @ now | Experience teaches a good | |12| M ||@ @ hunt patridge @ | many things, but dont learn us | |13| T || @ quite kold @ | but a phew. | |14| W ||@ now chase quails | | |15| T || more snow @ now | | |16| F ||@ pester foxes @ @ | * * * * * | |17| S || @ sour rain @ | | |18| G || @ now persew @ @ | | |19| M || bears @ hard | I hav seen old villains who | |20| T || @ frost @ @ now | were komparitively pure, they had | |21| W || sarch for @ | either worn out their vices, or | |22| T ||@ @ @ elephants @ | their vices had wore out them, i | |23| F || @ @ more kold @ | dont kno whitch. | |24| S || @ now go for | | |25| G || anakondys @ @ | | |26| M || @ freezing @ now | * * * * * | |27| T || @ prospekt for @ | | |28| W || Behomaths @ raw | | |29| T ||kold @ now dig for | It requires the gratest ov skill | |30| F || mastedons @ now @ | tew hide a weakness. | |31| S || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he did. When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't. Hiz wife waz smarter than chane litening, and kleaner than a ghost, she waz. Her hash didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart-wheels in it, it didn't. Yu mite az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a hoss, trade with a peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could. Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious! how impekunious! how transhunt! Alass! alass! Neb' waz kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in 1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she will. But she kant, kan she? She kant. Happy it iz that thare iz a thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so.

_MORAL._

Every man thinks he kan keep a hotel, But O! how delusiv and rash, For thare aint no kind ov bizzness so mixt, Az doing a klean job in hash.

30 Days.

NOVEMBER.

1874.

Q.--What iz pitty? @ @ @

A.--Cheap charity. @ @ @

_Enny man who a skool haz kept Ten years, (krewel fate allass!) Ought tew hav hiz shuze pulled oph, And be turned out tew grass._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _GINGER SNAPS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ Hark @ the | | | 2| M || @ @ kold wind | Thare iz, now and then, a man | | 3| T || whissells @ @ and | who knows that he iz a phool; | | 4| W || @ the rane @ | sutch a man iz a hard man tew | | 5| T || drizzles @ @ and | cheat. | | 6| F || @ @ @ the snow @ | | | 7| S || phizzles @ @ @ and | * * * * * | | 8| G || @ the fire sizzles @ | | | 9| M ||and the @ @ dogs @ | | |10| T || @ bark @ and | I hav known people who waz | |11| W || @ @ @ the boys | virtewous just bekauze they waz | |12| T || @ lark @ @ @ | lazy, they hadn't snap enuff in | |13| F || @ @ @ and the | them tew brake one ov the 10 | |14| S || kats mew @ @ and | commandments. | |15| G || @ the kittles stew | | |16| M || and the pork @ | | |17| T || @ @ @ fries @ and | * * * * * | |18| W || | | |19| T || @ the mince @ @ | | |20| F || pies @ @ @ @ @ | | |21| S || | I beleave pitty iz more ov an | |22| G || @ @ and the @ | impulse than a principle, for we | |23| M || turkey dies @ @ | seldum respekt thoze that we | |24| T || @ and the | pitty. | |25| W || @ owl dreameth @ | | |26| T || and the goose @ @ | * * * * * | |27| F || @ skreameth @ and | | |28| S || the girls @ @ @ @ | | |29| G || @ snikker @ and the | He who suspekts everyboddy, | |30| M || men dikker @ and | should be watched by everyboddy. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MUSHANMILK BILLINGS._

HIS MEMORANDUM.

Mushanmilk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov ansesstors. He was begot during the 11th or 12th sentury, or thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk personally. He died previous tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that Mushanmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont exackly conspire with what i know ov the Billings'es. Cheeck haz alwus been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi ansesstors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their _ambishun_ waz the result ov _vanity_. Their _honesty_ the effekt ov _edukashun_. Their _charity_, the luv ov _novelty_. Their _philosophy_, able tew bear the stummuk-ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not worth a kuss in their own; and their _virteus_ generally, more the growth ov their _pride_ than ov their _humility_. What a pitty! Echo answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

Thare aint to-day, so just a vittle, Az mush,--rite hot, from out the kittle.

31 Days. DECEMBER. 1874.

Q.--Define salt kodfish? @ @ @

A.--Vittles and----drink. @ @ @

_Instid ov this, how trew it tis, The skoolmaster iz treated, Like one we owe 50 dollars, And wont admit we've cheated._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KOLD KUTS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ Bitter kold @ @ | The more humble a man iz | | 2| W || a thing ov buty @ | before God, the more he will be | | 3| T || @ iz a joy forever | exalted,--the more humble he iz | | 4| F || thundring kold @ | before men, the more he will git | | 5| S || @ @ @ if yu must | rode ruff shod. | | 6| G || drink hot @ @ | | | 7| M || @ rum @ do it now | * * * * * | | 8| T || jehosiphat kold @ | | | 9| W || @ now distruckshun | The only really natral thing | |10| T || @ @ wood @ slam | thare iz about enny man, iz hiz | |11| F || bang kold @ @ | conshunce. | |12| S || Job Stearns | | |13| G || @ @ @ born 1500 | * * * * * | |14| M || indefatigabel kold | | |15| T || Job Stearns @ @ | Enuff good luk will ruin enny | |16| W || @ waz an @ | man. | |17| T || @ itinerant @ @ @ | | |18| F || ompompanoosuck | * * * * * | |19| S || @ kold @ Job @ | | |20| G || itinerated @ @ @ | Whare thare iz one man obstinate | |21| M || @ tin ware | bekauze he iz wize, thare iz | |22| T || sno phawls @ now | 4,695,853 obstinate bekauze they | |23| W || stir up @ @ @ | are ignorant. | |24| T || @ @ yure goose | | |25| F || unimpeachible kold | * * * * * | |26| S || @ roosters freeze @ | | |27| G ||yures, with sparkling | Trust in God first, yure nabor | |28| M || @ hopes--Josh | next, and yureself last.--AMEN. | |29| T || Billings @ | | |30| W || @ Allminacker @ | | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_HEAR THE PAPERS TALK!_

We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875, than be elected captain of a malitia company.

_Coonhollow Demokrat._

* * * * *

Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched out; it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things; buy it, and set down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again.

_Boston Pilgrim._

* * * * *

We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor from it each hour; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he who steals it, will finally die.

_New Orleans Budget._

* * * * *

Saw my right leg off, lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the contents of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875 aint the bullyest brick the civilized world has ever laid eyes on.

_Texas Daily Bandit._

* * * * *

Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst; like an oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on the run.

_Lowell Examiner._

_PRIVATE OPINYUNS OV JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX._

"A pearl ov grate price."

_Deakon Mozes Mills._

* * * * *

"I reckomend this allminax to all persons out ov a job."

_Israel Pugh._

* * * * *

"Az konsise az a kambrik needle."

_E. R. Dunkan._

* * * * *

"This allminax iz az phull ov sharp things az a hedgehog's back."

_Ezra Fisk._

* * * * *

"Az natral in the family, and quite az catching, az the meazles."

_Dokt. J. Munson._

* * * * *

"Oh lud! i never did peruze enny thing haff so mutch like it."

_Widdo Jane Perkins._

* * * * *

"Tis too sweet for enny thing."

_Miss Matilda Ann Brown._

* * * * *

"It iz a lofty produkshun, full ov immense wisdum, graphick delineation, and koruskating generalitys."

_John Mead, A. M._

_HONESTY_.

Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak; it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to ours, and from now untill the judgement time, an _Honest man_ haz been, and will be, "_The noblest work of God_." Pope's deskripshun ov an honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever haz been used.

_A KARD_.

A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheeze,--full ov little things.

* * * * *

When a man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a jury.

The musketo iz born ov poor but industrious parents,--but haz in hiz veins, sum ov the best blood in the Country=

Yures for 90 Days. Josh Billings=

Dont hurry things mi sweet friend. The best time to sett a hen,--iz when the hen iz reddy.=

Try it--Josh Billings.=

31 Days. JANUARY. 1875.

Q.--What's yure favourite piece ov skulpture? @ @

A.--The mile-stun nearest home. @ @ @ @

_Erly the Nuze Boy crawls from hiz koal box, Tho sno on the hard ground may lay, And skuds for the nuze paper offiss, To get his supply for the day._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _MORNIN GLORYS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ @ @ Rather | If i kant hav but two things on | | 2| S || kold @ @ @ | me that dont pinch, let it be mi | | 3| G || @ @ pepper sass | shirt kollar, and mi boots. | | 4| M ||invented 1632 @ @ | | | 5| T || @ @ @ mutch kold | | | 6| W || now mangle * @ | * * * * | | 7| T || @ @ @ wood | | | 8| F || sighns ov † @ ] | | | 9| S || @ sno @ @ | Christians seem to fite under | |10| G || dont pik | | cover, but the devil stands boldly | |11| M || @ @ geese | out, and dares the world to single | |12| T || this month @ | kombat. | |13| W || expekt sum @ | | |14| T || @ @ weather | | |15| F || hi tides @ ::: | * * * * | |16| S || @ now anihilate | | |17| G || hogs @ ? [!] | | |18| M || @ @ more :o: | Philosophy iz a kind ov severe | |19| T || koldly @ * @ | sentinal, who locks up the harte, | |20| W || @ @ Mike Tower | and throws the key away. | |21| T || died 1812 @ @ @ | | |22| F || @ prepare @ | | |23| S || @ for sno @ @ | * * * * | |24| G || @ @ @ dont @ | | |25| M || @ plant enny @ | | |26| T || corn this month | A thoroly lazy man iz ded enuff | |27| W ||@ dredphull chilly | to be buried, and his phuneral | |28| T ||now assassinate @ | ought to be advertized at once. | |29| F || @ poultry @ go | | |30| S || to bed arly @ @ | | |31| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_GRIT._

Grit iz a good thing to hav, but yu dont want too mutch ov it. I hav known folks who had so mutch grit, that they didn't kno when they waz whipt. This dont pay. I like to see a man who aint afrade to fite a wind-mill, when she iz in phull blast, but i dont kare to see him do it, for a wind-mill iz a hard job to thrash, and they dont kno neither when they hav got enuff. Grit and spunk, are two twins, and their mother iz Courage, and their father iz Bravery. I have seen grit, and spunk, and even courage, that didn't hav a bit ov bravery in them. Bravery allwuss ackts from a principle. Grit may be rite, and may be rong. It aint very certain, or partiklar whitch. Gritty men aint allwuss luvly, they are too mutch like sandpaper to handle, allwuss reddy for a skratch. I like grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to arbitrate the kase at onst. If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that. This aint fair.

_ARGUMENTS._

It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the meazles.

* * * * *

Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz better ones in market than either ov them.

28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1875.

Q.--What's yure opinyun ov Rats? @ @ @

A.--Poor. @ @ @

_Now having arrived at the offiss, He goes in for nonsense, and noize, And strives to git hold ov hiz papers, Before the rest ov the boys._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _HELIOTROPES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || Kondem kold @ | When a woman wants ennything, | | 2| T || @ @ now flies | she wants it with all her | | 3| W || @ are still @ | strength, and every boddy elses | | 4| T || snow falls @ @ @ | strength too. | | 5| F || @ thare iz a @ | | | 6| S || divinity shapes @ | * * * * | | 7| G || @ @ @ our ends | | | 8| M || kold grows @ | Intelekt without judgement iz | | 9| T || @ @ kolder | what ails about one halff the smart | |10| W || @ Bill Stevens @ | people in this world. | |11| T || @ @ @ born 1306 | | |12| F || now chew slapjax | * * * * | |13| S || @ @ low tides @ | | |14| G || sighn ov mutch @ | Thare aint bad luk in the | |15| M || weather @ sun in | whole world to ruin enny one | |16| T || @ apogee @ expekt | man, not if he will fite it out on | |17| W || frosts @ about @ | that line. | |18| T || @ theze days dont | | |19| F || plant onion seed @ | * * * * | |20| S || @ @ Sally Ann | | |21| G || Murdok died @ | A fanatick iz the wust man we | |22| M || @ @ @ kolder | hav to kontend with, reazon haz | |23| T || Sally Ann waz a @ | no effekt on him, and it iz agin | |24| W || weaver @ sighns ov | the law to klub him. | |25| T ||@ @ thaux Sally Ann | | |26| F || weavered yarns @ | | |27| S ||@ peace to our ashes | | |28| G || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_CHARITY._

Charity iz a blessed privilege; it lifts poor human natur up to the level ov the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life, under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a virtewous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit-price here, nor hereafter, thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up,--i have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satisfying their charity, and saving their munny at the same time.

_JESS SO._

All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting hoss ride eazy.

* * * * *

One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate fiddler.

31 Days. MARCH. 1875.

Q.--How's yure mother-in-law? @

A.--Helthy, i thank yu, how's yures? @ @ @

_Now having his merchandize purchased, He's out in the sno, and the sleet, And yells like a "brave" on the war path, Az swiftly he runs thru the street._