Part 11

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _POP KORN._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || @ Now the | | | 2| S || vain rooster @ @ | I dont kare what a mans | | 3| G || @ @ splits hiz | kondishun in life iz, if he iz too | | 4| M || thrut @ and | mutch for the kondishun he iz a | | 5| T || @ hope exultant @ | hero. | | 6| W || spreds her @ @ | | | 7| T || @ downy wing | | | 8| F || and life iz short @ | * * * * * | | 9| S || @ @ but sweet | | |10| G || @ and lettiss @ | | |11| M || grows apace | | |12| T || @ and giv me @ | Avarice iz about the only | |13| W || @ liberty or @ | pashun that improves by age. | |14| T || @ giv me deth | | |15| F || @ @ @ and what's | | |16| S || @ the matter @ | | |17| G || with Hannah @ | * * * * * | |18| M || | | |19| T || @ and hav | | |20| W || yu heard @ @ | | |21| T || @ that deakon | The truly brave are alwus | |22| F || Jones @ | generous. | |23| S || @ @ @ @ @ haz | | |24| G || lost a @ @ | | |25| M || @ @ heifer | | |26| T || @ and sich @ | * * * * * | |27| W || iz life @ | | |28| T || and woodman @ @ | | |29| F || @ @ @ | He whom prosperity makes | |30| S || spare that @ | humble and thankful, adversity | |31| G || @ @ tree @ and @ | haz no power over. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_DUTERONOMY BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about agreeing. Duteronomy waz immense in one thing, and that waz the length ov hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin, than enny man in history. One writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the difference, and call it 7. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would sustain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansesstors, i am guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if i er, it will be all owing tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since I had the meazles. They took place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I had them too thik. Duteronomy Billings waz named after old Duteronomy ov bible times, and az ansesstors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav. He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklushun i will say lie still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee. I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed.

_MORAL._

Sum men are oktagon, And sum three-sided are, 'Tis mortal tuff tew find one Who iz kompletely square.

30 Days.

JUNE.

1874.

Q.--Define the hen? @ @ @

A.--A lay member. @ @

_Tho kivvered o'er with sich abuse, He never fout agen it, The very wuss that Hez' would kuss, Waz the simple word KONDEMIT._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KREAM OV TARTAR._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ Can the | | | 2| T || leopard change @ | Vice makes a man kunning, | | 3| W || @ hiz name @ waz | virtew makes him wize. | | 4| T || Norval on the @ | | | 5| F || Grampine hills | | | 6| S || @ he loved not @ | * * * * * | | 7| G || | | | 8| M || wizely but too | | | 9| T || @ menny @ cooks | | |10| W || spile @ the brakeing | The ritch spend their time in | |11| T || @ wares dashed @ | kreating wants, the poor in | |12| F || hi low Jak @ and | gratifying them,--the poor are | |13| S || @ @ the game | the most sensible. | |14| G || of brag iz good @ | | |15| M || @ but holdfast | | |16| T || iz better @ @ | * * * * * | |17| W || @ @ @ late than | | |18| T || never too old @ | | |19| F || @ to learn @ | The man who iz the most fraid | |20| S || @ @ the luxury | tew die, iz the one who knows | |21| G || ov doing | least how tew liv. | |22| M || @ good @ bye @ | | |23| T || sweetheart | | |24| W || @ and George @ | * * * * * | |25| T || @ @ Washington | | |26| F || waz | | |27| S || the father @ @ | | |28| G || @ @ ov hiz | I had rather be a boy again, | |29| M || natiff @ @ | than tew be the autokrat ov the | |30| T || @ @ land @ @ | world. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_PORKANBEANS BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sentury. He loved a horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that imparshall history tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the anshunt daze, one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old flag-tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly, sumwhare about the fust ov the 17th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello-being from dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi ansesstor. Deth iz our porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself. Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so.

_MORAL._

Tew swop a horse and not git beat, Iz sumthing nice tew brag on, I tried it once, and that's the time I lost a horse--and waggon.

31 Days.

JULY.

1874.

Q.--Pleaze defin a good wife? @ @ @

A.--A silent partner in the consarn. @ @ @

_Dont talk to me ov anshunt Job, Ov biles he had a plenty, But they were all one breed ov biles, Leastwise 19 out ov twenty._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _SHOOTING STARS._ *** | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ Grate hot @ | | | 2| T || @ Billy Buckram | One ov the eazyest things tew | | 3| F || died 1304 @ @ | hear ov, and at the same time | | 4| S || @ carry the @ | one ov the hardest tew find, iz a | | 5| G || news to Mary @ | ghost. | | 6| M || @ @ hotter still @ | | | 7| T || i luv it @ hot | | | 8| W || inkreases @ @ @ | * * * * * | | 9| T || @ @ i luv it @ | | |10| F || still hotter @ that | | |11| S || old arm chair @ | It iz only a step from lazyness | |12| G || | tew vice, and a short one at that. | |13| M || @ @ awful hot | | |14| T || and who shall | | |15| W || @ more hot @ | | |16| T || chide me @ cooler | * * * * * | |17| F || @ @ with rain @ | | |18| S || @ @ for luving | | |19| G || lightning and | | |20| M || thunder @ @ @ | Thare iz lots ov people who | |21| T || that @ still hot | mistake their imaginashun for | |22| W || @ @ that @ Nancy | their memory. | |23| T || Dodge born @ @ | | |24| F || 1786 @ old | | |25| S || @ arm chair @ | | |26| G || @ @ wind south | * * * * * | |27| M || mad dogs @ @ @ | | |28| T || @ @@ seen @ the | | |29| W || boy stood on @ @ | | |30| T || @ the burning dek | Bashfullness that kant be overcome, | |31| F || mutch weather @ | iz modesty. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JAMAIKA BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak'e Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i suppoze waz burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I? I hav bin told not. Queer.

_MORAL._

I never knu, in all mi life, Enny man tew go krazy, Who alwuss took things setting down, And kultivated hiz lazy.

31 Days.

AUGUST.

1874.

Q.--What iz a cock loft @ @ @

A.--A roosters hed. @ @ @

_But in a distrik skool i kno, Each boy's a bile uncommon, And must a diffrent poultiss hav, Tew git a hed upon em._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _MUSHROOMS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || Huge heat @ @ | | | 2| G || @ David Blair | It iz az hard work tew git | | 3| M || born 1818 @ @ @ | acquainted with a haff bred | | 4| T || @ hot inkreases | family, az it iz for them tew | | 5| W || @ @ David Blair | conceal their pedigree. | | 6| T || waz an | | | 7| F || @ essence pedlar @ | | | 8| S || thunder showers @ | * * * * * | | 9| G || @ now keep @ | | |10| M || @ cool @ @ hotter | | |11| T || | | |12| W || @ @ if enny man | If a man knows himself thoroughly, | |13| T || attempts tew @ | he iz az wize az he kan | |14| F || @ more hot @ | be in this life. | |15| S || haul down @ good | | |16| G || @ hot @ the flag | | |17| M || @ red hot @ shute | * * * * * | |18| T || him on the @ | | |19| W || @ spot @ cooler | | |20| T || now @ Bully for | I luv tew watch the sports ov | |21| F || Dix @ @ now lay | children, they kant be children | |22| S || @ @ in yure sun @ | but once, and then but a short | |23| G || strokes @ for next | time. | |24| M || @ winter @ it biles! | | |25| T || @ Mike Doolittle | | |26| W || born 1830 @ died | * * * * * | |27| T || 1850 @ Mike done | | |28| F || but little here belo | | |29| S || nor dun that little @ | Hope claims the most, and iz | |30| G || @ long @ now | satisfied with the least, ov enny | |31| M || konkockt juleps @ | pashun ov the harte. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_EKLEEZIASTIKS BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occupashun. He waz az puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze' Billings. He waz kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum over in the May Flower, but didn't cum. He cum over the nex fall, and went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum without fust asking tew be forgiv for it. How pure! how lam like! Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin; he waz over 6 feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth. He died from eating too mutch garden-truk. How sad! how disinterested! Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass buttons on, and a sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze' waz both a saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game; he wouldn't hav enny doktor. He dispized doktors bills. How touching! Truly. How touchful! Really.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

Blest iz the man who iz partikular, And duz all things up perpindikular. (Chorus.) Ri fol de rol, ri folderikular.

Josh Billings, and the Twins. =

Thare iz 2 things in this world for which we are never fully prepared, and that is.--twins.=

Jess so, Jess so, Josh Billings.

Josh Billings on the haff shell.=

The man who swallowed the fust oyster, from the haff shell must hav been astonished, at the sudden way it waz dun, but I dont beleave he waz more suprized, than the oyster waz.= Josh.=

30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1874.

Q.--Define honesty? @ @ @

A.--The wag ov a dogs tail. @ @ @

_The only kind ov konsolashun This man got, aint worth a kuss, For 'twas PITTY,--and we all kno PITTY iz but mild disguss._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KAPER SAUS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || * Butiful weather | Genuine wit dont make a man | | 2| W || elegant weather @ | laff enny more than logick duz. | | 3| T || @ deliteful weather | | | 4| F || superb weather @ | | | 5| S || @ @ divine weather | | | 6| G || charming weather | * * * * * | | 7| M || exquisitt weather @ | | | 8| T || emoshional weather | | | 9| W || @ gorgeous weather | | |10| T ||* celestial weather * | Yu kan buy larning, but wit | |11| F || blissful weather @ | and wisdum are the gift ov God. | |12| S || @ grate weather @ | | |13| G || @ fine weather @ @ | | |14| M || @ delishus weather | | |15| T || heavenly weather @ | * * * * * | |16| W || @ glorious weather | | |17| T || magnificient @ @ | | |18| F || @ @ weather @ | | |19| S || gushing weather | Energy iz another name for | |20| G || @ sweet weather @ | kapacity. | |21| M || exhuberant weather | | |22| T || @ poetick weather | | |23| W || fragrant weather @ | | |24| T || @ luvely weather | * * * * * | |25| F || languishing weather | | |26| S || soft weather @ mild | | |27| G ||weather @ bewitching | | |28| M || weather @ and | Yung men, like grayhounds, | |29| T || common weather @ | follow by sight; old men, like | |30| W || | bloodhounds, follow by track. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_LUKE BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az austere az hoss-radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny friends, nor enny enemys; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. Sleep on! sleep on! dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew noboddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear! oh, dear! Luke i pitty yu. Luke Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

From keeping skool, and the pay, Two things pestiverous, I feel az tho' I'd like to say, Good Lord! deliver us.

31 Days. OCTOBER. 1874.

Q.--What iz a husband? @ @ @

A.--Gander ov the ockashun. @ @ @

_Much rather would i hav a man, Than offer me hiz pitty, Hit me rite smart long side the hed, For that mite make me gritty._