Part 10

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _BROOK TROUT._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| M || @ The fust | | | 2| T || flea kaught | The principal importanse ov a | | 3| W || 1210 @ @ @ | mistery iz the mistery itself,--what| | 4| T || @ _bitter kold_ @ | makes a ghost so respecktable | | 5| F || @ @ the flea | a karakter iz, that noboddy | | 6| S || got away @ @ @ | ever saw one. | | 7| G || @ _it snows_ @ now | | | 8| M || assasinate hogs @ @ | | | 9| T || @ Rachel Blood-good | * * * * * | |10| W || born 1813 | | |11| T || @ @ _the kold iz | | |12| F || kold_ @ @ @ @ @ | Affektashun alwus looks well in | |13| S || @ @ Rachel | a monkey. | |14| G || waz a | | |15| M || spinster @ @ @ | | |16| T || @ @ _kolder_ @ @ | * * * * * | |17| W || | | |18| T || @ Rachel | | |19| F || spun yarns @ @ | Trieing to define love, iz like | |20| S || @ ice 2 foot thick | trieing tew tell how yu kum tew | |21| G || on the level @ @ | brake thru the ice,--all yu know | |22| M || _sumwhat kolder_ | about it iz, yu fell in and got | |23| T || @ @ @ @ now | _ducked_. | |24| W || attak buk wheat | | |25| T || kakes @ @ @ @ | | |26| F || ¶ _awful kold_ @ | * * * * * | |27| S || @ @ @ hot | | |28| G || lemonade | | |29| M || diskoverd 1306 @ | A wize man never enjoys himself | |30| T || @ _expekt snow_ @ @ @ | so mutch, nor a phool so | |31| W || @ Good-bye @ | little, az when alone. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SIGHNS AND WONDERS FOR THE YEAR 1874._

Whenever yu see a yung man hanging around a korner grosery, and drinking 3 cent gin every time he kan git enny boddy tew ask him, yu kan make up yure mind that he haz bin unanimously nominated for the stait prizon, and will probably git his elekshun.

* * * * *

Whenever yu see an old goose setting on a post hole, and trieing tew hatch the hole out, yu kan cum tew the konklushun that she is strikly a one idee goose.

* * * * *

Whenever a forlorn kat gits under yure windo, in a hot nite, and begins tew holler, yu may kno that kat wants sumthing,--killing, probberbly.

* * * * *

Whenever yu see a dog stop suddintly, in the road, with a flee onto him, and begin tew flea round, and round, after himself, untill he falls down, and rools over, yu will say tew yureself, that dorg iz like the wicked, he fleas, when no man perseweth.

_OIL OF KONSOLASHUN._

The "Josh Billings Allminax" iz one ov our tex books, at the Pordunk Feminine Institoot.

_Mrs. Charity Skidmore, A.M._

* * * * *

Medisin Book--Ugh!!

_Spotted tail, Chief ov the Pawnees._

* * * * *

Full ov thought, full ov pathos, full ov phun.

_John Brace, L.L.D._

* * * * *

It's a big thing, bi Jupiter.

_Billy Murdok._

* * * * *

How spontaneous! How pathetic! How preponderating! How!--How are yu Josh!

_Doktor Blake._

* * * * *

Oh yu pesky thing, Josh! yu are too killing.

_Sally Ann Sprauge._

_ADAM BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from hiz sowing. He waz born, az near as i kan figger, about the year 1200, more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger 2. Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew; he never drinkt enny spiritous rum, nor root elevators. He went barefutt untill hiz 32d year, and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He waz named after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew resembel him mutch in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square manner in which his luvely relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We nee'r shall see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melankolly than otherwise.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

Thare iz naut so hard for grief tew handle, Az the man whoze ribs are phatt 's a kandle.

Josh Billings, and the Yung Man.=

Yung Man, dont kry for spilt milk, but pik up yure pail, and milking stool, and go for the next Cow.= Yures affekshionately, Josh Billings.

Tite Boots

Thare iz only one thing that kan be sed in favour ov tite Boots--they make a man forgit all his other Sorrows.= Josh Billings.

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1874.

Q.--What iz ginger pop? @ @ @ @

A.--Gimnastic water. @ @ @

_In Pordunk town thare lived a man, A man ov small posseshion, Hezekiah Birch waz hiz name, A teacher bi profeshun._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KINDLING WOOD._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ @ _Now kold | | | 2| F || weather_ @ @ | Snobs are alwus toadys. | | 3| S || @ haz froze @ | | | 4| G || @ @ the tender | | | 5| M || bull frog @ @ @ | * * * * * | | 6| T || @ @ up solid | | | 7| W || @ @ @ and the | | | 8| T || melodious goose | Diogoneze hunted in the da | | 9| F || iz hush @ | time for an honest man, with a | |10| S || @ in stillness | lantern; if he had lived in theze | |11| G || @ @ and the | times, he would hav needed the | |12| M || old she kat @ | hed lite ov a lokomotiff. | |13| T || @ dreams beneath | | |14| W || the @ @ | | |15| T || cook stove @ and | | |16| F || @ the luscious | * * * * * | |17| S || slapjax smokes @ | | |18| G || @ on the table @ | | |19| M || | | |20| T || @ @ @ and the | A pedant iz like a yung rooster, | |21| W || Widow Stebbins' | he crows in season, and out ov | |22| T || @ @ wood pile | season. | |23| F || grows less @ | | |24| S || every day | | |25| G || @ @ @ and the | * * * * * | |26| M || roze that @ @ | | |27| T || @ all are praizing | | |28| W || iz not the @ | Thare iz no kure for vanity, | |29| T || roze for @ @ @ | gitting thoroly wet cums the | |30| F || me @ or enny | nearest to it, for the time being. | |31| S || other man!!! @ | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_ZEPHENIAH BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and purswashun. He also had another natral gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he quit phiddling, and took up shumaking; but the world lost a good phidler bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh! 'tis ever thus. At hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted ov one old phiddle, and a pint ov bass wood shupegs. He would travel on foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl for 75 cents, and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex morning for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he couldn't tend an evening meeting, on sunday, without running into det to sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved; but he may hav bin lost, for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a cool hed, and a warm harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe skollar on the phiddle, and could pla "_Tare her down Sal_," and sich dear old sweet-savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone now, allass! allass! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov another, "Bully for yu, Zepheniah!" All flesh iz grass. So iv'e bin told. Funny. Mutch.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

To kure the fidgits and calm the bile, The phiddle iz like kastor ile.

28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1874.

Q.--What iz man? @ @ @

A.--Live dirt. @ @ @

_For twenty long and weary years, He meekly workt for others good, And well he taught the distrik skool, Boardin round the naborhood._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _PLUM PITS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || Now marry @ now | Human natur iz like cow natur, | | 2| M || thrash oats § now | i hav known them both tew giv a | | 3| T || @ puntch fires @ | good mess ov milk, and then kik | | 4| W || now ketch rats @ | it over. | | 5| T || @ now eat @ | | | 6| F || @ hash @ | | | 7| S || @ now | * * * * * | | 8| G || @ grease boots @ | | | 9| M || @ @ now pla | | |10| T || @ checkers @ now | I luv a phool, what little i kno | |11| W || sing sams @ @ @ | i hav larnt by hanging around | |12| T || @ @ now chew | them. | |13| F || gum @§@ @ now | | |14| S || [§§] kurl hair (!) | | |15| G || now mux @ | * * * * * | |16| M || @ sassage @ now | | |17| T || @ jerk wood | | |18| W || now kil duks @ | Munny makes munny. We all | |19| T || ([@ @) now | ov us take our korn to the ritch | |20| F || kil time †] @ now | miller tew hav it ground. | |21| S || @ swop hens | | |22| G || @ @ @ @ now | | |23| M || yoke steers @ | * * * * * | |24| T || now tell @ @ | | |25| W || @ yarns--now | | |26| T ||sighn the pledge [?] | Thare iz two kinds ov wize people | |27| F || @ now go to bed @ | in this world, the _wize_ and the | |28| S || | _unwize_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS._

HIS MEMORANDUM.

Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man; he never waz known tew waste ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and the one he never forgot tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz obliged tew giv him bak the munny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Billings waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but rekless extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his virteus, but blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What has bekum ov him I kant state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew drop it. I will dri up here. The end. Hush! Lay low.

* * * * *

_MORAL._

The klussest man i ever knu, Waz Deakon Erastus Meggs, Tew save expense, he oft would sett, Hiz pullets on spile-ed eggs.

31 Days. MARCH. 1874.

Q.--What iz hash? @ @ @

A.--A konfidense game. @ @ @

_He sawed the wood and bilt the fires, And while the boys were playing, Hurried, and swept the skool hous out, And dun a little praying._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _SNAPPIN TURKLES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| G || @ @ Tell me | Humility iz cup bearer to wisdum. | | 2| M || yee whispring | | | 3| T || winds @ when @ | | | 4| W || @ @ @ hens | * * * * * | | 5| T || @ will lay @ | | | 6| F || and | | | 7| S || @ what will @ @ | Thare iz plenty ov pholks in | | 8| G || be next @ @ @ | this world whoze hartes bleed for | | 9| M || @ @ spring | the poor, but whoze pocket-books | |10| T || the price @ @ | never do. | |11| W || ov hay @ | | |12| T || @ @ @ and | | |13| F || tell me if @ @ @ | * * * * * | |14| S || @ @ yu kan | | |15| G || whare i will @ | | |16| M ||@ @ find an honest | The man who iz willing tew | |17| T || man @ @ and @ | help everyboddy (i am sorry to | |18| W || @ also tell me @ | say this), iz willing tew be | |19| T || @ whare all | cheated by everyboddy. | |20| F || @ @ @ the modest | | |21| S || wimmin are @ @ @ | | |22| G || @ tell me @ @ | * * * * * | |23| M || @ theze things | | |24| T || and tell me @ @ | | |25| W || @ true @ and | If i kan set the fashions for a | |26| T || @ whispring | people, i dont kare who makes | |27| F || winds @ @ @ | their laws. | |28| S || @ @ i'll be @ | | |29| G || @ mutch obliged | | |30| M || @ to yu @ | | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MELKISIDEK BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He loved the whole entire femail populashun. He parted hiz hare in the middle, and did it unkommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little finger-nale. Historians say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter, a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with a dansing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate it. "_An honest man iz the nobless work ov God._" Good, aint it? Rather!

_MORAL._

Dandys are a harmless crew, Ov the butterfly purswashun; Happy with a nektie new, Hero's ov sum small ockashun.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1874.

Q.--Define twins? @ @

A.--2 mutch. @ @ @

_In this big, but pekuliar world, Not a friend had Hezekiah, The boys put pins into hiz chair, And water in hiz hair diah._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _QUALE ON TOAST._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| W || @ Hark @ the | | | 2| T || violet cums @ @ @ | Sum pholks are like kats, so | | 3| F || on tip toze | well ballanced that they alwuss | | 4| S || @ and the | strike on their feet when they | | 5| G || yello dandy @ @ | fall. | | 6| M || @ @ lion gilds | | | 7| T || the sod @ and | * * * * * | | 8| W || krickets kraul @ | | | 9| T || @ @ @ from out | | |10| F || their holes @ @ | Lovers are alwuss defineing | |11| S || @ and loafers | their extacys, but they are in no | |12| G || seek the sun @ @ | better condishun tew do it, than | |13| M || @ and dogs | a drunken man iz tew deliver a | |14| T || @ @ tree kats | tempranse lektur. | |15| W || and frogs begin | | |16| T || @ tew jabber @ | | |17| F || @ @ and tinkers | | |18| S || tramp @ and | * * * * * | |19| G || April phool @ @ @ | | |20| M || | | |21| T || @ grins at | | |22| W || every corner @ @ | Silence iz alwus safe. | |23| T || @ @ and--hark | | |24| F || from the tombs @ | | |25| S || @ @ a doleful | | |26| G || @ [!!] sound | * * * * * | |27| M || @ mine ears @ | | |28| T || attend @ @ @ | | |29| W || @ the cry @ @ | False praze iz the wust kind ov | |30| T || and so forth @ @ | slander. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_SOLOMAN BILLINGS._

HIZ MEMORANDUM.

Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdum, but, like Soloman ov old, he could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov wisdum; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum; litening couldn't strike a tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in digging down tew the hard pan ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large amount ov impudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i look bak upon him az one who haz departed this life. Adew, Soloman, mi ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat! I will add, quite.

_MORAL._

Wisdom chunks are chunkier far, Than all the chunks that chunky ar.

The man who kan wear a paper collar, a whole week, and keep it klean,--aint good for enny thing else.=

Jess so, Josh Billings.

Never take the Bull bi the horns Yung Man, but take him bi the tale. Then yu kan let go when yu want to.=

Yure warm friend, Josh Billings

31 Days.

MAY.

1874.

Q.--What iz ignorance? @ @ @

A.--Raw happiness. @ @ @

_The skule kommitty made him work, (How krewel and unphealling,) For less than a bartender gits, And nary chance for stealing._