Part 1

+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE | | | | The horoscope tables of the _Allminax_ are decorated with | | miscellaneous symbols, not all of which are available in | | monospaced utf-8 fonts to decorate this version of the text. | | Most symbols have been replaced with "@"; other compatible | | symbols have been chosen at random to give some idea of what | | the pages look like. The original horoscope pages can be seen| | in the HTML version of the _Allminax_. | | | | The wayward spelling and punctuation are special features of | | this text. I have therefore made no attempt to correct | | apparent typos or missing punctuation marks, as at least SOME| | of the errors are intentional. | | | | There are only three exceptions: | | | | 1. the correction of "C" to "G" in line 11 of page 36; | | | | 2. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page | | 38; | | | | 3. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page | | 45. | | | | Italicised text is marked _like this_. Bold text is marked | | =like this=. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+

JOSH BILLINGS' OLD FARMER'S ALLMINAX 1870 1879

WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS

PERHAPS RAIN

PERHAPS NOT

NEW YORK G · W · DILLINGHAM CO 1902

COPYRIGHT, 1870, 1871, 1872, 1873, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1878, 1879, BY G. W. CARLETON & CO.

COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY WM. H. DUFF

ADMINISTRATOR ESTATE OF HENRY W. SHAW

JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX

SIGHNS OV THE ZODIAK.

The undersighned iz an Amerikan brave, in hiz grate tragick akt ov being attaked bi the twelve constellashuns.--(May the best man win.)

_KEY TEW THE ABUV PERFORMANCE._

Tew kno exackly whare the sighn iz, multiply the day ov the month bi the sighn, then find a dividend that will go into a divider four times without enny remains, subtrakt this from the sighn, add the fust quoshunt tew the last divider, then multiply the whole ov the man's boddy bi all the sighns, and the result will be jist what yu are looking after.

_BILLINGS' FAMILY TIME TABLE._

Amazi begot Hezaki, Hezaki begot Eldad, Eldad begot Behomath, Behomath begot Zepheniah (_Zepheniah waz a conumdrum maker, sum ov which hav been handed down down_), Zepheniah begot Ezekiel, Ezekiel begot Issacher (_Issaker waz a bad speller, which haz bin handed down too_), Issaker begot Nehemiah, Nehemiah begot Methuseler, Methuseler begot Nabob (_Nabob waz a snob_), Nabob begot Jerrymiah, and Jerrymiah begot Absolum Billings (_who is admitted bi every boddy who remembers him tew be the most humblyest looking man in the 9th Century_). Absolum begot Josh, and so they kept bizzy begotting.

After the Billings family once struck the front name, _Josh_, they clung tew it. I find over 6 hundred ov that name extant, besides a grate menny who haz bekum extanted.

The Billings hav bin a helthy old breed az fur back az i have dug for them, which they owe principally tew a milk diet. It iz sed that Behomath Billings, one ov our pristines, could drean a cow perfektly dry at one sitting. If this iz so, it helps explain the great amount ov milk in the Billings natur.

I dont find enny old bachelors, nor old maids, amung our ansesstors, inkrease and multiply haz alwus bin the battle cry of the Billings.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS

AFTER SEEING THE ADVANCE SHEETS OV

Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax

FOR THE YEAR 1870.

"We seldum notis the current Amerikan literature ov the day, but the Billings Allminax, soon tew be issued by Carleton, is a work for the mothers of the Amerikan Union."--_London Times, June 6th, 1869._

* * * * *

"Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax iz az phull ov gems az a diamond neklace, az phull of knowledge az Webster's Spellin Book, and az phull of cooking and cures az a parson's wife."--_London Atheneum, May 31st, 1869._

* * * * *

"The virtewous thoughts in Josh's Allminax iz gin cocktails for the idle, and brandy straights for the viscious."--_Atlantik Semi-Monthly, May 3d, 1869._

* * * * *

"The Billings' Allminax will prove a rare acquisition tew Amerikan literature; the astronomikal calculashuns are unique, the language elegant, the moral perfekt, the sentiments just, and the whole thing extremely bully."--_Boston Ledger, May 1st, 1869._

* * * * *

"In theze daze of tawdry novels, imbecile poetry, and florid historys, it iz charming tew take up such a brilliant thing az Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax, whare philosophy and sentiment frolik together, and whare wit sits in state, with one arm around the waist ov morality."--_Omaha Patriot, July 4th, 1869._

_JANUARY MONOGRAPH._

This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz invested in tin back thermometors, and distributed amung the suffering poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus.

DOMESTIX RECEIPTS.

Tew find the square root ov a hog's noze, turn him into a gardin patch.

* * * * *

Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.

* * * * *

Tew remove grease from a man's karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile.

* * * * *

Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else's expense.

* * * * *

Tew git wrong things out ov yure child's head,--comb it often.

I never argy agin a suckcess, when i see a rattlesnaixs hed sticking out ov a whole, i bear off to the left, and say to miself----that hole belongs to that snaix.=

Josh Billings

Cider may be a good temprance beverage, but i hav seen folks git so drunk on it, that they couldn't tell one ov the 10 commandments from a bye law or a base bawl klub. =

Josh Billings

31 Days.

JANUARY.

1870.

Q.--What iz an old bachelor? @ () @ ¶

A.--The hero ov a cot bedstead. @ † @ @ †

_He who bi farmin would git ritch, Must plough, and so, and dig, and sich, Work hard all day, sleep hard all nite, Save every cent, and not git tite._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _INK BRATS._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Cold_ @ @ @ | | | 2| G || Daniel @ Lambert | When a rooster crows, he crows | | 3| M || @ @ born @ @ 1793 | all over. | | 4| T || _high_ @ _tides_ @ | | | 5| W || @ _perhaps_ @ @ | * * * * * | | 6| T || _rain_ @ _perhaps_ | | | 7| F || @ _not_ @ Milky | A nu milk Cow is stepmother | | 8| S || way @ fust @ | tew evry mans baby. | | 9| G || discovered @ 1386 @ | | |10| M || @ _Weather_ @ @ | * * * * * | |11| T || _shifty_ @ @ lay in @ | | |12| W || @ yure ice @ | Whenever i kan find a real | |13| T || cream cow @ @ | hansum woman engaged in the | |14| F || @ for @ next @ | wimmins rights bizzness, then | |15| S || @ summer @ | i am going tew take mi hat under | |16| G || @ @ _Sighns ov a_ @ | mi arm, and jine the procession. | |17| M || @ @ @ _thaw_ | | |18| T || _it duz thaw_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | |19| W || @ @ Gulliver | | |20| T || @ returns @ | Debt is a trap, which a man | |21| F || from his @ @ | sets, and baits himself, and then | |22| S || @ travels @ 1700 @ | deliberately gets into,--and | |23| G || @ @ now harvest | ketches a kursid phool. | |24| M || yure @ snow @ @ | | |25| T || @ _blustering_ @ bull @| * * * * * | |26| W || frogs quiet @ @ | | |27| T || @ @ @ John @ @ | Angels handle the dice when | |28| F || Smith @ born @ | doublets are thrown in the cradle. | |29| S || @ @ @ for the | | |30| G || fust time @ 485 @ | | |31| M || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_FEBUARY MONOGRAPH._

This month haz but 28 days, the extreme kold weather that prevails haz puckered up the month. Once in four years thare iz a big melt and then the month swells, and haz 29 days. This month iz looked upon az unpleasant, and it iz unpleasant for digging out woodchucks, but for setting in front of the fire, and skinning apples, and snapping the seeds at the galls, it kant be beat. The name ov this month is derived from an old Chinese word (now lost) which means _condem kold_.

USEFUL HINTS TEW BOARDIN HOUSE KEEPERS.

In buying roast beef, dont forgit, that roast beef, tew be bully, must be tuff.

* * * * *

Be kerful how yu soke yure makrel, too mutch sokeing, takes the wear out ov them.

* * * * *

In selekting a yung goose for yure table, dont forgit tew remember, that the longer a goose has lived in this world, the more experience he will hav, when he cums tew be chawed.

* * * * *

Keep a cow, and then the milk wont hav tew be watered but once.

28 Days.

FEBRUARY.

1870.

Q.--What iz the best kure for lazyness? @ @ * @ # @

A.--Milking a cow on the run, and living on the milk.

_Bring out yure bran nu cutter, And git yure galls consent, Then hitch up Dobbin, or sum other kruttur, And let the animile went._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SHAD SCALES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Gusty_ @ _squalls_ @| | | 2| W || St. @ Valentine @ | Fools are the whet stuns ov | | 3| T || @ killed 270 @ | society. | | 4| F || @ _more gusty_ | * * * * * | | 5| S || Valentine @ @ | If a man haint got a well balanced | | 6| G || waz @ Cupid's @ | head, i like tew see him | | 7| M || @ Corresponding | part hiz hair in the middle. | | 8| T || Secretary @ _snow_ @ | | | 9| W || @ _storms still_ | * * * * * | |10| T || _loafing_ @ _around_ @ | It iz a strange and lamentable | |11| F || @ _the_ @ _sky_ @ Roger| fakt, that yu kant advance, nor | |12| S || Sherman waz a @ | even inaugurate, a moral movement | |13| G || shoemaker @ farmers | without the aid ov money--yu | |14| M || @ will @ now @ | kan run a saw mill on credit, | |15| T || @ sprinkle their | but yu kant run the gospel. | |16| W || hay with brine @ @ | | |17| T || @ and skratch their | * * * * * | |18| F || pigs @ backs @ _snow_ | | |19| S || @ _falls_ @ _in_ @ | When i waz yung, i used tew feel | |20| G || _chunks_ @ now @ | good six days in two, but now i | |21| M || trap for @ mice | am old, if I kan manage tew feel | |22| T || @ @ and other | good two days in six, i think i am | |23| W || furs @ pepper @ | doing fust rate. | |24| T || sass fust diskovered | | |25| F || @ 1496 _sighns ov a_ @ | * * * * * | |26| S || @ _thaw_ Ben Franklin | Flattery iz like colone water, | |27| G || waz a @ printer. | tew be smelt ov, not swallered. | |28| M || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MARCH MONOGRAPH._

This month derives her pedigree from the Danish verb "_Whizz_," which means to blow, to wheeze, to snort, to pitch in endways, and crossways, to shake winder blinds, to smash barn doors, to skare pigs, to brake clothes lines, to make men sware, and wimmin balky. March iz principally immense for wind, but whare it all cums from, and whare it all goes to, are prize conumdrums which i kant untangle Dogs kreated this month invariably hav the bark on.

_ATTENSHUN FARMERS._

Rathbun's "Old oaken bucket washing masheen." For washing, bleaching, bileing, wringing, starching, blueing, hanging out, drieing, ironing, marking, fluting, and folding clothes, this lovely masheen haz no competitor in the male, or femail world. This iz the only masheen in the western hemisphear, that takes the inside cloth oph from a man's back on the keen jump, and puts it back agin, in 15 minnitts, washed, dried, ironed, starched, the buttons sowed on, and the collar turned down. Ask for Rathbun's Old oaken bucket washing masheen, and keep asking till yu git it, and when yu hav got it, hug it tew yure buzzum.

31 Days.

MARCH.

1870.

Q.--Will yu pleaze to define suicide? @ @ @ @ @

A.--Suicide iz cheating the doktors out ov a job.

_Mend fences now, and diches dig, Lay in some cow, and little pig, For milk, and pork, Iz what enables a man tew do a good square day's work._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SARDINES._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| T || @ _Windy_ @ _winds_ @ | | | 2| W || _with sighns_ @ @ @ | Thare is only one good substitute | | 3| T || @ _ov_ @ _wind_ | for the endearments of a sister, | | 4| F || "Sorosis" (@) fust | and that iz the endearments | | 5| S || born @ @ 1206 born | ov sum other phellows sister. | | 6| G || @ agin @ @ @ | | | 7| M || 1868 @ _very_ @ _windy_| * * * * * | | 8| T || _with_ @ @ _wind_ | Cheerfull old girls are the brides | | 9| W || @ @ _gusts_ peach @ | maids ov society. | |10| T || crop cut @ @ | | |11| F || off az @ @ @ usual | * * * * * | |12| S || Robinson @ Cruso | | |13| G || @ @ died @ 1492 | About the meanest kritter thare | |14| M || now yoke @ @ pigs | iz now travelling around on the | |15| T || and geese @ @ | buzzum ov the earth, iz a bashfull | |16| W || plant @ lobsters | hypokritt. | |17| T || and @ @ lettiss for | | |18| F || @ sallad _look_ @ _out_| * * * * * | |19| S || @ _for_ @ _wind_ | I hope I shall never hav so | |20| G || count @ @ yure @ | mutch reputashun, that i shant | |21| M || @ cockroaches @ | feel obliged tew be civil. | |22| T || and see if @ @ enny | | |23| W || @ hav bin @ mislaid | | |24| T || congress @ @ | The biggest phool in this world | |25| F || adjourns @ less @ | hazn't been born yet. | |26| S || wind _sour_ @ _and_ | | |27| G || _cold_ a @ @ good @ | * * * * * | |28| M || @ @ time @ to | | |29| T || trade off @ @ | Natur is just az honest az a | |30| W || a mule @ @ | cow. | |31| T || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_APRIL MONOGRAPH._

"April, dear April, chuck full ov charms, Cum, cum, oh cum, tew mi arms,"

thus warbled the poet, more than twelve thousand years ago, and he knew his bizz, he had the right sting in him, he want none ov yure pedigree poets, nor dispepshee poets, nor whiskee poets.

Dandylions planted this month are almost sure tew hed out, so are tud stools, so are hed cheeze. This month iz also helthy for planting onions, onions are a luxury, and are good for a bad breth, or are bad for a good breth, i hav forgot which, but either way iz right.

_VALUABEL ADVICE TEW YUNG SPORTSMEN._

☛ In fishing for musketoze dont wait for them tew bite the seckond time.

☛ The best bait for bed bugs, iz tew sleep three in a bed.

☛ The best mark for target praktiss iz an old maskuline goose, one goose will last yu for five years shooting, and when he finally gits struck with lightning, and begins tew perish, yu kan melt him up, and git out the lead.

☛ The best kind ov a spear, for bullfrogging, iz a four tined dung fork, when you git the tines all full, shoulder the fork, and put for home.

30 Days.

APRIL.

1870.

Q.--How long kan a goose stand on one leg?

A.--Try it,----that's the way the goose found out.

_Jethro Sparks cum tew town, Athwart a kussid mule, He wound hiz ears around hiz nek, And called him April Phule._

+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _EMBERS ON THE HARTH._ | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| F || _Showery_ @ _expekt_ @ | He whom the good praze, and | | 2| S || @ _rain_ @ stern | the wicked hate, ought tew be | | 3| G || winter iz @ @ @ | satisfied with hiz reputashun. | | 4| M || o'er @ sow peas @ | | | 5| T || and plant lambs @ | * * * * * | | 6| W || now @ Washington | | | 7| T || waz the @ father @ | The less a man knows, the | | 8| F || @ ov hiz @ (country) | more he will guess at, and guessing | | 9| S || @ _wet rain_ @ @ | iz nothing more than suspicion. | |10| G || Washington @ when | | |11| M || a little boy had @ @ | * * * * * | |12| T || @ @ a little @ @ | | |13| W || ax @ @ _gentle_ | It is a statistikal fakt, that the | |14| T || @ _showers_ @ @ with | wicked work harder tew reach | |15| F || which he @ @ | Hell, than the righteous do tew | |16| S || @ @ tomahawked | git to heaven. | |17| G || a tree @ _sighns ov_ | | |18| M || @ _moisture_ but @ @ | * * * * * | |19| T || when @ asked @ | | |20| W || @ if he did the tree | When i git thoroughly ritch, the | |21| T || cut @ _big rain_ @ he | fust thing i intend to do, iz tew | |22| F || @ @ owned the | bekum respektabel. | |23| S || korn @ @ lager | | |24| G || beer diskovered @ | * * * * * | |25| M || @ not to be @ @ | | |26| T || intoxicating @ @ @ | Men generally, when they whip | |27| W || 1845 @ pattent taken | a mule, sware, the mule remembers | |28| T || out @ now dig @ | the swaring, but forgits the | |29| F || for umbrellers @ @ | licking. | |30| S || | | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+

_MAY MONOGRAPH._

May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand years. If May hadn't hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she is an independant kritter, and dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love, our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little melted brook tew mix with. Oh! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix. Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy else's.

_PATTENTS ISSUED DURING 1869._

Feb. 1st. To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a pattent for a hen's egg, which beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and eating.

* * * * *

April 13th. To Ezra Push, Jun., a pattent for a one wheeled velosipede. This wise instrumentality haz two handles tew it, and iz purswaded by taken hold ov the handles, and walking between them with a shove moshun. If it wasn't a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow.

* * * * *

March 10th. To David Gibson, for a pattent goose yoke. These yokes are packed in cotton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the earth, they are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be without one.

I thank the Lord that thare iz one thing in this world that money kant buy, and that iz,--the wag ov a dogs tail.=

Yure Unkle, Josh Billings

The infidel argys just az a Bull duz chained to a post, he bellows, and paws, but he don't git loose from the post i notiss.=

Not mutch, Josh Billings

31 Days.

MAY.

1870.

Q.--What will yu compare old maids to? @ @ @

A.--Embers on the harth, from which the sparks have fled. @ @ @ @ @

_The Rooster now with burstin thrut, Proklaims the rozy morn, And cacklin hens are telling us, Another egg is born._