Part 12

_Susie._--"Yesterday morning, at twenty past eight. Everything seems so strange to me ... this calm ... but what I can't get over is to see the negroes, the Chinese, the savages; what a number of them are here! ... those that our missionaries converted, I suppose. What a blessed work, our foreign missions! Only I fancy all those converts ought to have a place ... how shall I explain myself? ... marked out for them. To speak candidly, I quite expected to see our glorious nation treated with a great deal more consideration than it seems to be."

_Jennie._--"Yes, isn't it strange? I can't understand it at all."

_Susie._--"Would you believe it, I had to wait two mortal hours at the gate yesterday morning, and, when at last my turn came, Saint Peter never even got up to welcome me ... and pay me a compliment or two?... It would have been nothing but polite, I am sure; for, after all, where would Paradise be without us? Who is it that proclaims the glory of God at the four corners of the universe, I should like to know?"

_Jennie._--"Yes, indeed; who but ourselves? I can assure you I am very disappointed. Where is the realisation of all the promises our dear minister used to hold out to us?... The kingdom of heaven is England's inheritance; we are the chosen of the Lord ... and I don't know what else.... It looks to me as if anybody could get in.... It is very mixed, to say the least. We are treated just like anybody else ... positively if I was not seated between a Cardinal and a Zulu at the Seraphim's concert last night!"

_Susie._--"Can it be possible?"

_Jennie._--"It is a fact ... I have even been assured ... but I'll never believe it unless I see it ... that there were.... But, just look how everyone is crowding towards the great entrance gate ... who can have arrived?"

Surely enough the noise of trumpets, tambourines, cornets, concertinas, a frightful hubbub, had just burst on the ears of the elect, who were rushing to the gate to find out the meaning of these sounds, so strange in those regions of rest and harmony. In the midst of the crowd of new-comers was to be seen a woman brandishing an umbrella, gesticulating, vociferating, and appearing to be in a state of great indignation. Saint Peter had just made his way through the agitated crowd.

_Saint Peter._--"My children, calm yourselves, I beg. And you, madam, come in quietly, please; we allow no such noises here. What is it you want?"

_Mrs. Bull._--"Well, I never! you seem to take a very high tone with me, I fancy; who are you to speak to me like that?"

_Saint Peter._--"I am Saint Peter; and you?"

_Mrs. B._--"Indeed! and what if you are? Do you think you are going to have it all your own way here? Do you know that I am a Field-Marshal of the Salvation Army?"

_Saint Peter._--"Madam; not so loud, pray."

_Mrs. B._--"Six thousand soldiers under my orders. We will see if I am to be treated anyhow. The idea! A pretty reception for a woman like me!"

_Saint Peter._--"Will you listen to me a moment?"

_Mrs. B._--"A contributor to the _War Cry_, the official gazette of the elect ... a million copies printed every week ... three-hundred thousand pounds receipts ... original inventor of the _blood-and-fire_ pomade and tooth paste ... admiral of the Salvation Fleet."

_Saint Peter._--"Can you spare a moment that I may put in...."

_Mrs. B._--"Barracks all over England ... allies all over the world."

_Saint Peter._--"Will you allow me to...."

_Mrs. B._--"It is easy to see that nobody reads the papers here, or you would all know who I am. Who am I indeed! (_turning to her suite_). Did you ever hear such a thing? Who am I?"

_Saint Peter._--"But, once more, madam...."

_Mrs. B._--"Wait a minute, I will just introduce you to my staff ... you will see who I am ... who we are.... Sallie, speak to the gentleman."

_Saint Peter._--"But I have no time to listen to...."

_Happy Sallie._--"I am the American tambourinist.... I rescue souls _tambour battant_."

_Mary Ann._--"I am Captain of the 4th detachment ... allow me to play you a hymn of my own composition" (_takes up her cornet_).

_Betsy._--"I am the solo-singer of Clapton Barracks; let me sing you something."

_Saint Peter._--"My good people, do you take these sacred regions for a Whitsuntide fair? Dear, dear! who sends me all these folks up here? Will you have done this moment; it's horrible!"

_Mrs. B._--"Now then, make room for my followers, and let us be shown to the Seraphs' Hall...."

_Saint Peter._--"My worthy friends, I am ready to forgive you. You have got into the wrong train: your tickets are for Bedlam.... Have the goodness to retire."

_Mrs. B._--"Retire! Ah! if the General were only here, we should not be treated like this. We call upon you to show us to the places that are reserved for us."

_Saint Peter._--"I do not know you."

_Susie._--"I play the Alleluiah trombone."

_Saint Peter._--"There they are, at it again! Go to Jericho, with your Alleluiah trombone, your tambourines, your field-marshal, your captains, and blood and fire soldiers.... Those English people will drive me mad.... Once more, will you move on? You see very well that you are causing an obstruction, there are elect behind you who cannot pass in.... Upon my word, those English people look upon Paradise as a British possession. (_All at once the sweetest music is heard; the sound of harps becomes more and more audible._) My friends, have the goodness to stand quite still for a few minutes in a respectful attitude, whilst these blessed ones are passing." (_Twelve seraphs, resplendent with light, advance, preceded by lutes and harps; they smile as they pass before Saint Peter; they continue on their way._)

_Mrs. B._--"Who are those blessed ones so dazzling with light?"

_Saint Peter._--"They are six-winged seraphs of the first hierarchy, who have been here nearly five hundred years; and I may take the opportunity of telling you that they have never given me the slightest trouble. Gentle, peaceful...."

_Mrs. B._--"But who were they on earth? To what sect did they belong?"

_Saint Peter._--"They are Incas, of the ancient empire of Peru."

_Mrs. B._--"What! savages! people who wear rings in their noses! Well, I never thought to be insulted like this."

_Saint Peter._--"A more virtuous people never existed on earth, madam; it is virtue put into practice that we reward here, and not fine-sounding theories. In our eyes, he who has given a drop of water and a morsel of bread to a poor fellow-creature is more worthy than he who has discovered a new interpretation of the Holy Scriptures. He who has done a good deed without ostentation, stands higher here than he who has sounded a trumpet, and gone to publish his virtue in the streets and temples. But I should only be wasting time if I tried to explain these things, which do not seem to be in your line. Consider yourselves very fortunate not to be turned out of doors with your trumpets, your drums, and all your noisy and warlike trappings ... and I will trouble you to pass on into the gardens to repose yourselves after your journey, and meditate upon the indulgence of...."

_Mrs. B._--"Well, this is the climax! A sermon to me...! (_to her companions_): Let us go in, my friends; and we must have patience, I suppose. The General cannot fail to be here before very long. We will then form a committee, and call an immense meeting of all the English people that are here ... we will see if it is not possible to place the keys of Paradise in better hands. (_To Saint Peter_): _Au revoir_, Saint Peter, we shall meet again."

* * * * *

While this little scene had been passing at the entrance of Paradise, two of our old friends had just met at the corner of one of the prettiest groves in the realms of the elect.

_Mrs. Goodman._--"My dear Bartie! It is you, at last!"

_The Reverend B. Goodman._--"Ah! my love, you here! How good it is to see a face one recognises! Come and sit with me a little on this seat. (_They sit down._) What a lot you must have to tell me!... Well?"

_Mrs. G._--"Well?"

_Rev. B. G._--"What a disenchantment, eh!"

_Mrs. G._--"If we had only known!"

_Rev. B. G._--"If we could only send a messenger down to tell all those worthy people!"

_Mrs. G._--"Well! and how about your theory of the ten tribes found? To hear you talk, my poor Bartie, there was going to be no room here for anybody but ourselves...."

_Rev. B. G._--"I can't make it out at all; it bewilders me. Just fancy, my dear, I arrived here last week in the company of a bishop. At the gate, Saint Peter asked us for our names and qualifications. I was not long getting through mine, of course; then up speaks the bishop, in his finest tones, and says: 'John Thomas, lord-bishop of * * *' 'Bishop!' replies Saint Peter, 'well ... never mind, you may come in all the same.' Now, what do you think of that _all the same_?"

_Mrs. G._--"Insolent in the extreme. Ah! my dear, that's nothing.... Ever since I have been here, I have had constant mortifications; my nerves are irritated every moment by what I see and hear--it is to be hoped I shall get used to it--but it is very trying.... Turn this way."

_Rev. B. G._--"What for?"

_Mrs. G._--"Don't look, I tell you; there are the Watsons just passing; I don't want to speak to them.... Fancy their being here! I am sure I always thought they would be cooked! ... rolling in riches, and yet putting threepenny bits in the collection-box! ... and refusing to subscribe to the old spire restoration fund. They got in cheaply, and no mistake!... It is all very well to talk, but the best way of proving your interest in a good cause is to put your hand in your pocket.... Ah! one sees strange things here.... I hope you mean to speak at the meeting, Bartie dear?"

_Rev. B. G._--"What meeting, my love?"

_Mrs. G._--"What meeting? Ah! my poor dear, don't you know anything about it? Really, one would think you had just fallen here from the moon.... How like you!... Alas! always the same apathy; you have not changed a bit. But thanks be, there are energetic people here, who have the grievances of their countrymen at heart ... we shall protest against the indifference that we meet with on all sides here. We shall call attention to all that we have done on earth, stand upon our rights, and get up a petition."

_Rev. B. G._--"I suppose you belong to the organising committee?"

_Mrs. G._--"I have placed all my energy at the disposal of the committee. Ever since I have been here I have been longing to devote my feeble powers to the revindication of our rights to the undivided heritage of the highest abode in the realms of the blessed.... Saint Peter, who, I am bound to say, is very obliging, has kindly consented to take the chair.... I have had such a great deal to do."

_Rev. B. G._--"As secretary?"

_Mrs. G._--"Exactly: the part of organising secretary is one that I have always had a great taste for, as you know ... one does not change at my age. Do you see all those people going towards the orange gardens? it is there that the meeting is to be held.... There are the Watsons coming back this way; ... they are evidently going to the meeting. Well, all I can say is, they must be bare-faced enough to go and protest ... however!... Look! positively, they have espied us.... Let us get up ... it is impossible to avoid them now."

_Mrs. Watson._--"Ah! it is our dear vicar! dear Mrs. Goodman, what a happy thing! at last, thanks to the initiative taken by zealous compatriots, we are to carry our complaints before the tribunal of justice.... In an hour the meeting begins.... Shall we walk together?"

_Mrs. G._--"With pleasure."

_Mrs. W._--"On the way we shall be able to talk of old times and the friends we left in our dear little town.... Ah! Mrs. Goodman, they little dream of what we are doing on their behalf."

_Mrs. G._--(_Aside to her husband_)--"What impudence! _we_ indeed!"

(_The group, now followed by an immense crowd, proceeds towards the orange gardens._)

GRAND DEMONSTRATION. INDIGNATION MEETING.

Saint Peter took the chair at eight o'clock precisely. In a few graceful and feeling remarks he explained the object of the meeting and then called upon the secretary to read to the audience the minutes of the last meeting of the organising committee.

_Mrs. G._--(_This lady on rising was greeted with three rounds of applause._)--"Blessed Saint, ladies and gentlemen. At its last meeting the temporary committee of organisation arrived at the following decision: 'Whereas from time immemorial, those of the elect who are of British origin have made fruitless complaints on the subject of the treatment which they meet with in Paradise, the committee decides upon holding a meeting of the said elect to take into consideration the best means of putting an end to such a regrettable state of things, a state of things which threatens to disturb the harmony of these blessed realms.'"

_The President._--"I call upon Miss Evvins to address the meeting."

_Miss Evvins._--"Against the fact that all nations seem to reign here, we have nothing to say. That the divine mercy should embrace even the most irreligious people, we can comprehend, and we bow to such a decision; but when we see people who were converted by our own paid missionaries, for instance, occupying places here higher than our own, and treated with respect that is not bestowed upon ourselves, we think it our duty to protest against such a state of things. If each one is to be rewarded according to his work we certainly do not receive our due. We might as well be mere Zulus." (_Groans and hisses._)

_A Zulu._--"My ancestors, it is true, practised virtue; but I can assure the honourable speaker, that since we made the acquaintance of the English, we have not been much better than they."

_Several voices._--"Turn him out!" (_The Zulu is seized upon and ejected._)

_Miss Evvins._--"It is by persuasion, and not by violent means, that we wish to obtain redress for our grievances...."

_Mrs. B._--"I ask to be allowed to say a few words."

_Miss E._--"We have drawn up a petition to this effect, which we shall ask you to sign, and which is worded as follows: 'Considering that the British nation is the most virtuous on earth, and that she alone sets an example to the world by her piety, her religious researches, her religious associations, her respect for petty nations, her chivalry towards oppressed peoples, her contempt for filthy lucre, her sobriety, and other no less virtuous qualities; the undersigned members of the great and glorious British family humbly ask that such virtue may receive the reward it deserves.'" (_Hear, hear._)

_The Rev. B. Goodman._--"I should like to propose an amendment, or rather to suggest a change in the wording of the petition that we have just heard read."

_The President._--"The Reverend Mr. Goodman will propose an amendment."

_Mrs. B._--"I asked leave to speak before the reverend gentleman."

_The President._--"We will hear you after."

_Mrs. B._--"I want to speak at once...."

_The President._--"I tell you that...."

_Mrs. B._--"I protest. It's a shame!"

_The President._--"But I tell you, you shall...."

_Mrs. B._--"I will speak all the same. You make a grand mistake, if you think my mouth is to be closed in that fashion. I can tell you all, that we shall obtain nothing by persuasion. Here, as well as in the world we have left, it is by strong measures and threats that one obtains one's ends." (_Order, order._)

_The President._--"You have already despised my authority. If you use threats, I shall refuse you permission to speak further...."

_Mrs. B._--"It is a swindle!" (_Order, order._)

_The President_ (_rising_).--"Retract the word _swindle_. Do you imagine yourself in Seven Dials?"

_Mrs. B._--"I shall retract nothing. If in a week's time, I am not placed on a throne resplendent with light, I shall make myself objectionable: I shall break the park railings, pull up the flowers, trample on the beds, and turn everything upside down.... I will keep you busy, I promise you. I have only just come.... I'll get up a meeting of my own, by-and-bye...."

_The President._--"I order the expulsion of the interrupter." (_After a great struggle, in which the lady, looking like a destroying angel, strikes out right and left, she is turned out, not without difficulty._)

_The President._--"Now that order is restored, I call upon the Reverend Mr. Goodman to address the meeting."

_Rev. B. G._--"In place of the words, 'Considering that the British nation is the most virtuous on earth,' I propose that the following be substituted: 'Considering that the British nation is none other than the lost ten tribes of the House of Israel, the holy nation chosen of the Lord.' Ladies and gentlemen, I am thoroughly convinced that...."

_A voice_ (_interrupting_).--"But, as the Lord reigns in these realms, would it not be much more simple to ask Him if we really are, as the reverend gentleman declares, His chosen people? It seems to me that, by adopting this course, a great deal of time and trouble might be saved."

_Several voices._--"Let the amendment be put to the meeting."

The amendment is voted almost unanimously.

The President announces that thirty millions, four hundred and ninety-five thousand, nine hundred and sixty-four persons have expressed the desire to address the meeting for the purpose of enumerating the different virtues of the British people in general, and the meritorious deeds of each one in particular. But, seeing that the hour is advanced, and that, besides, the petition is agreed to, he proposes to declare the meeting at an end.

After a unanimous vote of thanks to the President for the courtesy with which he acceded to the wishes of the Committee, and the kindness with which he promised to attend to the petition, the meeting broke up at a quarter to twelve.

XXI.

John Bull and his Island: Postscript.

Pauperism has been, for some time, the question of the day in England, the burning question, as they say over here. John is making theories.

Theories! he was wont to exclaim, the British nation can afford to laugh at theories. This is the remark that a Conservative, possessed of more pretension than foresight, made one day before Thomas Carlyle.

"My dear sir," replied the apostle of force in England, "the French nobility of a hundred years ago said they could afford to laugh at theories. Then came a man and wrote a book called the 'Social Contract.' The man was called Jean Jacques Rousseau, and his book was a theory, and nothing but a theory. The nobles could laugh at his theory; but their skins went to bind the second edition of his book."

Yes, John, my friend, you are quite right to make theories: it is high time. But do not neglect to put them into practice: open your museums and picture galleries on Sundays, and shut a few public-houses;[10] do not rest content with sending missionaries to your poor, to tell them that they, like you, may one day dwell in the mansions of the blessed; make them taste a few of the sweets of this life, amuse them, help them to shake off the stupefying influence of drink; teach them little by little that you do not mean to support them in idleness and drunkenness, and that Unions and other houses of refuge for old age are not instituted to encourage them to be careless and thoughtless for the morrow. Try to make thinking men of them; at present they are but slaves. Unfortunately for you, all these people can read. Beware of the day on which they get sober. Take care of your skin: it is not impossible that there may be yet a good deal of binding to be done.

[10] See Appendix (d).

* * * * *

"At the four corners of Trafalgar Square, the London _Place de la Concorde_, four pedestals are to be seen. Three are surmounted by statues, the fourth is waiting."[11]

[11] _John Bull et son Ile_, p. 85.

It is waiting still.

If England is short of heroes, let her install General Booth on the fourth pedestal; but for goodness and symmetry's sake, let her set someone upon it.

* * * * *

The statue of Queen Anne, that stands in front of St. Paul's Cathedral, in the heart of the City, has been wanting a nose for the past five or six years. For a shilling she might be provided with a beauty. Yet no; the fat aldermen of Beefsteakopolis, who dine at three or four guineas a head, and have lately spent twelve thousand pounds upon a ridiculous and hideous monument that stands at the entrance to the part of London that is under their jurisdiction, refuse a nose to the sovereign in whose reign lived the great Marlborough, hero of Blenheim and Malplaquet. Yet nobody can doubt that a nose would be very useful to the poor thing, neglected by John Bull, and stuck up there, in one of the most furiously draughty spots in London.

* * * * *

"One of the largest tea houses is not ashamed to publish the following advertisement in all the public thoroughfares and railway stations of England:--'_We sell at three shillings a pound the same tea as we supply to dukes, marquises, earls, barons, and the gentry of the country._' The poor viscounts are left out in the cold: it is a regrettable oversight."[12]

[12] _John Bull et son Ile_, p. 61.

The oversight has been repaired; I congratulate both the viscounts and the firm. Who says books serve no purpose? Why, princes and bishops have been added. If only Her Majesty would be kind enough to give Cooper Cooper's tea a trial!

* * * * *

"The day the House of Lords reject any important measure passed by the Liberals, it will have dealt its own death-blow."[13]

[13] _Ib._, p. 242.

The operation is being performed the House having just rejected Mr. Gladstone's Franchise Bill. If it has not dealt its own death-blow, it has had a narrow squeak!

How ill-inspired the lords must be in seeking a quarrel with John Bull, who has no wish to do them any harm! If I were a peer of this realm, I fancy I could make myself the most amiable and submissive being in the world. I would again say to John: "Now, look here, my dear fellow, you know the House of Lords is convenient in one way, because it spares you the trouble of holding two elections. It will always be my endeavour to make myself agreeable. I have forty or fifty thousand a year, and if you think I am going to be angry at anything the Commons may do, why, you make a huge mistake. I know I am a fifth wheel to the State coach, but you are too gentlemanly to remind me of it, if I do not make you feel that a fifth wheel can sometimes play the part of a _bâton dans les roues_. I will imitate the good example set by the Queen: when you want the Liberals, you shall have them; when you want the Conservatives, you shall have them. You, on your part, must continue to hold me in respect, and call me the _noble lord_ as hard as ever; I shall, as before, take precedence of intellect and wealth; I shall patronise literature and art, by scattering among my countrymen--for a consideration--the valuable libraries and art treasures left me by over-conservative forefathers, and protect the drama by keeping more actresses than ever. Surely, old friend, we ought to be able to rub along together."

If the House of Lords should succumb, it will have the consolation of knowing that its ruin has been wrought by its most ardent friends, and not by its enemies. For that matter, a Government or Constitution generally does die at the hands of its friends _à outrance_.

I also said: "The two great political parties are of about equal strength.... The Irish party however, grows more national every day, and the Government may before long have to reckon seriously with it."[14]

[14] _John Bull et son Ile_, p. 243.