Part 8

1 minkish ottomobile coat 2 boots of rubberly exterior 1 cap from Eskimo leather ½ lb cotton resembling whisker.

I drop all them presents I bought inside one laundry-bag, place myself into those garments of clothes, then with detective toes I descend up through attric to where chimbley-pipe was on roof.

4 o’clock time now approach. Making affectionate hugs to Hon. Chimbley, I could tell it was Xmas by the feel of the themometer. By peeking down Hon. Chimbley, I could see how it was sifficiently large hole to permit my Japanese smallness—yet I must compress myself to do so. I enjoyed considerable nervusness like heroes expecting to dive down Mt. Vesuvius.

Pretty soonly 6 a.m. was there and I was not yet froze completely hard. By listening down chimbley-pipe with telephone expression, I could hear childhood voices coming down-stairs saying “Oh!!” It were time for me to make some slide.

I pull ½lb cotton to my chin, snuggle Hon. Bag to back, and commence climbing into chimbley. What was? Distinctually I could smell slight smudj of smoke coming upwards! Yet it were too late. Already I was slipping, down-sliding slowly. Great chokes enjoyed. When nearly down I stuck up suddenly. More chokes.

“Oh, hellup, hellup!” I gollup.

“Who there?” demand Hon. Poke below-down.

“Hon. St Claus containing smoke!” I yellup. “Make haste or else be quick!”

Some individual persons grabb me at toes. With intense drag I was pulled forth to fireplace where blazes was. My cottonly whisker become inflamed, and in desperado attempt I clash against Xmas-tree which tottle over amidst horble fire-alarms. Great holla by all. Then I am a hero, as usual. While all others make hook-and-ladder noise, I embrace Hon. Tree with elbows and reject him outwards through window. Of finally all was silent, except slight smell of smudj.

“What impossibility are you attempting to act like?” require Hon. Mrs. sarcastly.

“Hon. St Claus,” I report.

“Why you no entrance by door?” shreech Hon. Mr. with wounded knuckle.

“Doors is not respectable for Saints to come in by,” I devote.

“They are plenty for Japanese to go out by,” resnort him, escorting me outwards with brutal jam.

And when I was deploying away from there I hear Hester & Lester report in voice together:

“We have saw Hon. St Claus. We do not care to meet such a person!”

So I depart off feeling like an umpossibility.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly, HASHIMURA TOGO.

XXI

The Head of the House

_To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine, civilized personality who knows everything about home except what goes on_,

Dear Sir:—Last place from which I was rebounded were home of Mrs. & Mr. Annette Pratt, Curfew Glen, N. J. These individuals, though not peculiar from themselves, had home-names what distincted them entirely. Hon. Mrs. Pratt was Mother Love, Hon. Mr. Pratt was Father Darling and Hon. Daughter Pratt was Mabel Dear. This Mabel Dear was half-past schoolgirl age. She enjoy such aggrevated health that her mother make considerable worry for her.

“Why should not Mabel Dear help Togo make housework?” require Hon. Husband while seeing her idly resting.

“She must enjoy her headaches each morning during housekeep hours,” snuggest Mother Love. “It are fashionable to be illhealthy until noon.”

“Her illhealthiness do not keep her from tennis-play, night-set-up, tango & flirtating which she do considerable,” commute Hon. Him with grouches in his voice.

“Fortunately she can accomplish slight duties expected of any high-bread girl,” gollup Hon. Mrs.

“When I was boy my mother knew nothing about Vermin Castle dance, yet she could make doughnut, quilt, soap, beds and many other delicious home cooking,” he glub.

“Father Darling,” yellup Mabel Dear from her sofa where she layed with her fatigue, “Mother Love says I can have new Harper’s Bazar dress for Judkins-Perkins wedding festival ball.”

“I am too busy going to my office!” he snarrel while departing with door.

This Mabel Dear are Miss Lady of such great importantness that it give me great sorrow of brain to think she was born to merely New Jersey condition of real estate. When Hon. Father pass off she tell this sadness to her mother.

“Mother Love,” she say so, “it create considerable humility in my prides for see Togo open doors with soapsuds thumbs when Hon. Percy Twill, whose home contain several butlers, arrive here for flirtation and observe our poverty.”

“Mabel Dear I sympathize to you for our downslide in world. Since marriage to Father Darling I have expected very little. Before marriage my home was entirely surrounded by footmen.”

“Why you no brought 3 or 4 of those here?” are bright question for me.

“Eavesdripper! Return to kitchen duty!” they holla together like chorus girls. Yet I heard more from other keyholes.

“How I go to Judkins-Perkins dance with only one dress?” I hear Mabel Dear ask it.

“Are not one dress sifficient for one dance?” I require silently from myself while refraining my voice.

“I cannot tell what Father Darling does with all his money,” dement Hon. Mrs. “He receive $240. per monthly yet we enjoy less luxury than the rich. Perhapsly he are gambling in stocks.”

“Result of his selfishness I are the worst dressed girl in the Curfew Glen Smart Set,” corrods Hon. Mabel amidst sobs.

“If you had married Father Darling you would realize why ladies goes on hungry strikes,” snib Hon. Mrs.

And so onwards.

When Hon. Pratt retreat homewards at night he usually carry complete bookkeeper library under his arm so he can spent tired evening finding who stole that 22c from firm of Obediah Pennypicker & Co. by which he is owned. Considerable hours each evening he set to table with eyeglasses and commonpeople expression on his face while he read that arithmetic. Pretty soonly income Hon. Mrs. & Hon. Miss dishguised in pinksilk Marlborough clothing and intending to go outwards.

“Such stylish!” report Hon. Father looking at.

“This are not stylish,” renig Hon. Mabel Dear while spatting her Newport hairs. “This dress are made from remnant bargains. It are next to nothing.”

“It seem so at the neck,” ollicute he humoristically. “Girl wears but little here below but wears that little long. To what social Durbar are you going to?”

“The My Cream Tango Tipsickery Circle,” negotiate Hon. Miss. “O Father Darling, why you no go long? If oncely you did you might make less cruel talking.”

“Maybe I shall,” report Hon. Pa laying down bookkeep volume.

“Father Darling!” hissy Hon. Mrs. “What you thinking of to say that? You could not go society as is. The necktie you wear insults our pride of family.”

“I go where I pleases.” This from him with glares.

“Why so independence?” She say it.

“Are I not head of this house?” he require.

“Yes, Father Darling,” she file off. “Therefore it is your duty to stay home and look over $90. groceries bill.”

She poke forth Hon. Bill and leave husbandly man to his sorry.

Hon. Mr. Pratt work lonesomely till 9.44 clocktime. Then he fold away books and go to emotion picture show. At 11.11 clocktime he come backwards smoking intense cigar. I was setting on front porch enjoying beauty of moonshin amidst Japanese poetry. He observe me there and donate 1 cigar price 5c while he sat down next beside me with chumness of college boy.

“Togo,” he say it at lastly while we make twin puffs, “are I head of this house or are not I?”

“Are indeed!” I say kindly because thankful for cigar.

“Then why should I be battered continuously?” This from him.

“Heads are always punched,” I define.

“I are breadwinner without being allowed to keep winnings, I are—.”

“You are an American father,” thusly I report. “You should learn to be a Japanese father.”

“How you do it?” he ask with eggerness.

“Japanese father are steam-roller Czar. Wife are sipposed to approach him with frightened elbows, daughter must be sipposed to ask for favors and not get it. All parties, presents, etc. are given by him. All servants must attend his selfishness while neglecting females around house.”

“I shall move to Japan!” he cheer up.

“You needs not,” I snuggest. “I shall be your Japanese slave and teach you how be Japanese father. Tomorrow a.m. you can commence ordering your home around like a floorwalker. Continually remember inferiorness of everybody but yourself and feel as sacred as possible. Heads shall be chopped for impertinence to you.”

“I shall enjoy that!” he stotter with smiling teeth.

At that moments carriage approach upward through moonlit and Wife & Daughter make getout.

“You up, Father Darling?” require Hon. Mrs. with shock tone. “I can smell beer in your breathing. Man of your aged respectability should not be boistering at night amidst low-living friendship.”

She make dragoon expression to me while halling Father away.

Next morning while it was breakfast Father Darling sat looking very Cæsar where breakfast was not cooked while I go through with tray containing grape-orange, omelit, lady-toast and slight tea for Hon. Mabel Dear who enjoyed headache as usual.

“Lay that tray on table befront of me!” holla Hon. Mr. with commander voice.

“Father Darling!” yellup Hon. Mrs. who was there, “what you intend do with Mabel Dear’s headache food?”

“Eat it!” he snarrel while I laid Hon. Tray befront of him with complete courtesy of Japanese bows.

“Are it customary for you to be taking comforts in this house from others?” Eagles spoke in her tone.

“It are not,” he negotiate with egg spoon, “yet it shall be from now onwards.”

“Am I to be dishobeyed in home?” she require shilly.

“Why not?” he ask to know (“Togo, bring one jar mammalade and considerable more coffee.) Yes, Mother Love, I have caught commuter train for 43½ years without breakfast. Now I am turning over a new sheet. Hereafterly I shall be Political Boss of my household. Not only shall I be considered 1st in serving comfort, but my servants shall be my complete slavers, similar like they are in Japan. Are this not so, Togo?”

“Ah yes, exalted-up Sire!” I worship while bending my base stumach.

“Huh!” snuggest Hon. Mrs. with Huerta expression. “Togo, go immediately upwards to Mabel Dear’s room and deliver complete breakfast to door.”

“Togo,” depose Hon. Mr. looking clamly cruel, “go immediately upward to Mabel Dear’s room and make knock-knock to door. When Mabel Dear answer say so, ‘Your Rev. Father demand you get upward at oncely and help wash-dish and other healthful exercise.”

I go. I do so. When Mabel Dear hear knock-knock she poke forth girlish cap and decry, “What for, imported heathenish?”

“Your Royal & Exalted Up Hon. Father require you make immediate get up for wash dish and be natural like ancestors,” I commit.

She shreech. Slam door. Downstairs I could hear similar warcry while sounds of smelling salts, hysteria, etc. could be heard from dining room.

Eloping to window I could observe Hon. Mr. evaporating down path in depot direction.

“Togo!” voice of Mrs. from down there.

I make no correspondence to her tone.

“Togo, will you come downward or shall you be thrown?”

Still I conceal my words. Ring-ring by telephone could be distinctually heard.

“Togo,” she say more plaintiffly, “there is command here by telephone from your Royal Lordmaster Sir Exalted Pratt.”

“I go downward and obey,” is meakness from me.

I emerge down there and put that electricity to my ear.

“Hello!”

“Yes. This are Boss Pratt. Togo, I have reconsidered my life on way to depot. I am very respectful to your Oriental uncivilization and know what you snuggest can be accomplished 10,000 miles distant from New Jersey. Howeverley, I are expected to return to New Jersey every night, so difference must be.”

“In Japan you would never make such weekness resembling mice,” I ollicute distinctually.

“Undoubtlessly. And since you are so crazed about Japan, maybe you should return there and teach Domestic Science where it shall be understood.”

“Then you mean say I am discharged?”

“Like a gun!” he snibber while hanging telephone.

So I arrive to backdoor and obtain immediate farewell feeling that Man is superior to Woman, but that Woman are on Jobs more frequently all day.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly, HASHIMURA TOGO.