Part 5

_Lady from the Country_--“Deed no, we’re no gaun’ae buy onything. We cam’ in wi’ complimentary tickets, an’ we’re jist gaun’ae enjoy oorsels.”

PRIDE OF STATION

_The Goldsmith_--“Now this is just the thing for your son--a very fine keyless watch.”

_The Mother_--“Ye needna bother lettin’ us see that. Oor boy has aye been brocht up a _gentleman_, an’ we want nane o’ your _keelie’s_ watches for him!”

SYMPATHY

_Hardy Mariner sings lustily_--

“And a mahther weeps Awr a Seller’s grev.”

_Old Lady_--“Puir wee mannie, here’s a penny. I’m sure your mither never thocht ye would come tae this!”

A CITY IDYLL

_He of the Milk-shop_--“There’s nae chance tae get on in the place I’m in; the longer ye’re there they jist gie ye the mair cans tae carry.”

OUR BOYS

_Chief Clerk_ (emphatically)--“What I say _is_ that a Governor who forces a fellow to work, and tries to prevent a fellow’s friends from calling to have a quiet chat, deserves to be----”

[_The rest is too awfully emphatic._

A SEASONABLE THREAT

_Gentleman on Foot_--“Swe-e-e-p behind!”

_Gentleman on Carriage_--“Shut up, ye big-heidet ned! Mind if I come aff I’ll spile yer Jubilee for ye!”

BEARING A BOOL

_Sandie_--“Aw, Grannie--Grannie,--I’ve swallowed ma whinnie!”

_Grannie_--“Awa’ hame wi’ ye then--awa’ hame this vera meenit! Ye’re no gaun’ae dee here!”

SAIR FASHED

_Friend_--“Hoo are ye likin yer new place, Jeanie?”

_Nursery Maid_--“Ugh, I’m fair wrocht aff my feet. I’ve five o’ them tae look efter, an’ there’s only yin at the schule!”

HE KNEW SHE WAS RIGHT

_Jock Tamson_ (who has been catching it pretty hot from Mrs. T.)--“Bleeze awa’, Betty Wumman, bleeze awa’! I’m no worth showin’ a Christian speerit tae!”

THE SOFT ANSWER

_He_--“Come on, Wumman! Hae ye been tae the Cross an’ back?”

_She_--“Aw! Did ye think ye had lost yer ain we lammie doo?”

KIND INDEED

_Applicant for Situation_--“I’m very sorry, mum, that I don’t suit ye, for I must say I’m partickler well pleased with yer appearance.”

ALMOST TOO FASHIONABLE

----“Eh Jennie, ye’re nate! Ye’re a rael leddy!--Bit losh, sic a ‘toor-noor’!”

THE RISING GENERATION

_Injured Innocent_ (to father who has been dozing)--“Is there _any_ prospect of my being attended to? I understand that my mother gave you definite instructions to _rock me to sleep_, and here I am!”

PARADISE LOST

_Freddie_--“What’s ’at lady and gentleman crying for?”

_Mamie_ (with some recollection of the consequences of eating green fruit--“O, ’at’s Adam ’n’ Eve, an ’ey’s cryin’ ’cos ’ey ett a apple!”

A BAD RECOVERY

_Freddie_ (with excitement)--“O, mamma! we’ve had such fun with our new umbrella. It blew outside-in and if it hadn’t been for two boys that helped us, Bertie and me could _never have got it right again_!”

THE MAN OF FEELING

_Poverty_--... “So that any monetary help, however small, would be most thankfully received.”

_Affluence_--“Here’s twopence for you.”

_Poverty_--“Bless my soul, sir! Do you take me for a _common beggar_?”

A RIGHT TO A CHARACTER

_Deserving Widow_--“My laddie’s gaun tae the Toon tae seek a place an’ I wad be awfu’ obleeged tae ye for a character. He’s a lazy, throughither brat, but if ye jist write ‘smert, active, honest ’an industrious,’ folk’ll surely believe the minister.”

A PROVISIONAL ORDER

_Betty_--“Mrs. Mackie’s compliments an’ she wad like you an’ Miss Marget tae come tae yer tea this efternoon.”

_Miss Mimm_--“Tell Mrs. Mackie with our compliments that we’ll be very happy to come. Was there any other message?”

_Betty_--“Ay, she said if ye wis comin’ I wis tae get twa tippenny scones an’ a quarter o’ fresh butter, but if ye said ‘No’ I wisnae tae mind.”

INTERFERENCE WITH FAMILY PRIVILEGE

_Message Boy_--“What are ye hittin’ the wee lassie for?”

_Enraged Party_--“Ay, I’ll hit ’er! I’ll let her see if _she’ll_ hurray when _oor_ coals is tummelt!”

HALLOWE’EN RIVALS

_First Light_--“Aw-haw! What a wee turnip!”

_Second Light_--“Ah, bit I don’t care. I’ve a big yin at hame, an’ I can gang inside o’t an’ warm ma haunds at the caunle. Now!”

A DISPUTE IN THE FIRM

_Junior Partner_--“Div ye think I’m gaun’ ae dae a’ the wark an’ let you staun the hale day leanin’ on that shivvel--div ye?”

DIGNITY OFFENDED

_The Master_--“Keep yer distance, noo! Hivn’t I tell’t ye afore that it’s no the thing for the ’prentice tae walk aside the Coark?”

BEFORE THE BALL

_Master of Ceremonies_ (in tone of command)--“Toap lady an’ gentleman chassies doon an’ draps the lady tae the veezy-vee.”

ETIQUETTE AT THE RIVETER’S REUNION

_He_--“Would ye dance the Circassian Circle wi’ me if ye please?”

_She_--“Beggin’ your pardon, Mister, bit I think ye hivn’t been introjuced.”

REAL BENEFACTORS

_Rev. Peter Sawder_ (about to close proceedings by proposing a vote of thanks to the Sunday-school teachers)--“And now, dear children, before we go we must thank those who have worked so hard to give us pleasure to-night. Can you tell me who they are?”

_Grateful Boy_ (appreciatively)--“Please, sir, the Bakers, sir!”

THE LOAVES AND THE FISHES

_The Rev. Mr. Fogey calls with some pecuniary relief from the session for the poor widow who attends his church regularly on Sundays. Two other reverend gentlemen have also called on similar errands, and Mrs. McTaggle explains_: “Come awa’ in, sir. Ye’ll ken Mr. Blazer. I often goes tae his prayer-meetin’ on Wednesdays. An’ this is Mr. Clapperton; the weans is constant scholars in his Sunday-school. Eh, aye! A body has a heap tae be thankfu’ for!”

SIGNS OF THE FESTIVE SEASON

MORE SIGNS OF THE FESTIVE SEASON

RANDOM QUOTATIONS

I HAD thought it desirable to wind up with some apt quotation from the poets, but I am afraid I have not successfully done so. It would be rash to claim that the quotations here given are apt, or that the sketches in any way elucidate the text of the classic authors. Indeed, an examination of the context would, I am almost certain, reveal the fact that not in a single instance has the real meaning of the passages been caught by the illustrator. Better close the volume without further remark.

Printed by BALLANTYNE & CO. LIMITED Tavistock Street, London

Transcriber’s notes

New original cover art included with this ebook is granted to the public domain.

Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. Inconsistent hyphenation has been retained.

The text in the illustrations has been transcribed. The style of text in the illustrations varies but the transcription has been made consistent with the text of the book: superscripts are not used in Mr., Dr., etc., personal initials are spaced, abbreviations are not spaced. Some quotation marks have been added.

Where it was not possible to determine the correct transcription a pair of question marks has been substituted.

The signature “Twym” appears in every illustration but has not been transcribed.