Chapter 270

confine their attentions. They should, in fact, attend chiefly to those who are the least known in the room.

xviii. Avoid political and religious discussions. If you have a hobby, keep it to yourself.

xix. After dancing, conduct your partner to a seat.

xx. Resign her as soon as her next partner advances.

(_For the Figures of Dances, see pars._ 139-159.--_See_ HINTS UPON ETIQUETTE, _par_ 2024.)

1938. Marriage Arrangements.

1939. Special Licences.

Special licences are dispensations from the ordinary rule, under which marriages can only take place canonically in the parish church, or other places duly licensed for that purpose. They can only be obtained from the Metropolitan or archbishop of the province, and often with no small difficulty, not being readily granted; and when obtained the fees are about £50.

1940. Common Licences.

Common Licences enable persons of full age, or minors with consent of parents or guardians, to be married in the church of the parish in which one of them has resided for three weeks. They are procured from Doctors' Commons, or from any surrogate, at the cost of about £2 10s.

1941. Banns.

Banns must be published _three times_ in the parish church, in _each place_ where the persons concerned reside. The clerk is applied to on such occasions; his fee varies from 1s. 6d. upwards. When the marriage ceremony is over, the parties repair to the vestry, and enter their names in the parish registry. The registry is signed by the clergyman and the witnesses present, and a certificate of the registry is given to the bridegroom if desired. The charge for a certificate of marriage is 2s. 7d., including the penny stamp on the documents, as by law required, and the clergyman's fee varies according to circumstances. The clerk will at all times give information thereupon; and it is best for a friend of the bridegroom to attend to the pecuniary arrangements.

1942. Marriage by Registration.

An Act was passed in the reign of William the Fourth, by which it was rendered legal for persons wishing to be married by a civil ceremony, to give notice of their intention to the Registrar of Marriages in their district or districts. Three weeks' notice is necessary, to give which the parties call, separately or together, at the office of the registrar, who enters the names in a book. When the time of notice has expired, it is only necessary to give the registrar an intimation, on the previous day, of your intention to attend at his office on the next day, and complete the registration. The ceremony consists of merely answering a few questions, and making the declaration that you take each other to live as husband and wife. The fee amounts only to a few shillings, and in this form no wedding ring is required, though it is usually placed on the ring-finger of the bride's left hand, in the presence of the persons assembled. The married couple receive a certificate of marriage, which is in every respect lawful.

[ONE TO-DAY IS WORTH TWO TO-MORROW.]

1943. Wedding Dress.

It is impossible to lay down specific rules for dress, as fashions change, and tastes differ. The great art consists in selecting the style of dress most becoming to the person. A stout person should adopt a different style from a thin person; a taLl one from a short one. Peculiarities of complexion, and form of face and figure, should be duly regarded; and in these matters there is no better course than to call in the aid of any respectable milliner and dressmaker, who will be found ready and able to give the best advice. The bridegroom should simply appear in morning dress, and should avoid everything eccentric and conspicuous in style. The bridesmaids should always be made aware of the bride's dress before they choose their own, which should be determined by a proper harmony with the former.

1944. The Order of Going to Church.

The order of going to church is as follows:--The BRIDE, accompanied by her _father_, occupies the _last carriage_. The father hands out the bride, and leads her direct to the altar, round which those who have been invited have already grouped themselves, leaving room for the father, the bride, and the bridesmaids, who usually await the bride's coming at the entrance to the church, or at the bottom of the chancel, and follow her to the communion rails.

1945. The Bridegroom.

The Bridegroom, who has made his way to the church, accompanied by his "best man," or principal groomsman--an intimate friend or brother--should be waiting at the communion rails to receive his future wife on her arrival. He and she then stand facing the altar, he being on the right of the bride, and the father or the gentleman who is to "give away" the bride, on the left.

1946. The Chief Bridesmaid.

The Chief Bridesmaid occupies a place immediately behind the _bride_, to hold her gloves and handkerchief, and flowers; her _companions_ range themselves close to, and slightly in the rear of the principal bridesmaid. If any difficulties occur from forgetfulness, or want of knowledge, the woman who is usually in attendance at the church can set everything right.

1947. Important Details.

Remember to take the License and the Ring with you.--The fee to a clergyman is according to the rank and fortune of the bridegroom; the clerk if there be one, expects _five shillings_, and a trifle should be given to the pew opener, and other officials of the church. There is a fixed scale of fees at every church, to which the parties married can add if they please.

1948. Afterwards.

When the Ceremony is concluded, _the bride, taking the bridegroom's arm, goes into the vestry, the others following_; signatures are then affixed, and a registration made, after which the married pair enter their carriage, and proceed to the breakfast, everyone else following.

1949. The Order of Return.

The order of return from Church differs from the above only in the fact that the bride and bridegroom now ride together in the first carriage, the bride being on his left. The bridesmaids and other guests find their way home in the remaining carriages, but to prevent confusion some preconcerted arrangement is desirable.

1950. The Wedding Breakfast.

The Wedding Breakfast having been already prepared, the wedding party return thereto. If a large party, the bride and bridegroom occupy seats in the centre of the long table, and the two extremities should be presided over by the father and mother of the bride, or, failing these, by elderly relatives, if possible one from each family. Everyone should endeavour to make the occasion as happy as possible. One of the senior members of either the bride or bridegroom's family should, sometime before the breakfast has terminated, rise, and in a brief but graceful manner, propose the "Health and happiness of the wedded pair." It is much better to drink their healths together than separately; and, after a brief interval, the bridegroom should return thanks, which he may do without hesitation, since no one looks for a speech upon such an occasion. A few words, feelingly expressed, are all that is required. The breakfast generally concludes with the departure of the happy pair upon their wedding tour.

[AN HOUR IN THE MORNING IS WORTH TWO AT NIGHT.]

1951. Cards.

A newly married couple send out cards immediately after the ceremony to their friends and acquaintance, who, on their part, return either notes or cards of congratulation on the event. As soon as the lady is settled in her new home, she may expect the calls of her acquaintance; for which it is not absolutely necessary to remain at home, although politeness requires that they should be returned as soon as possible. But, having performed this, any further intercourse may be avoided (where it is deemed necessary) by a polite refusal of invitations. Where cards are to be left, the number must be determined according to the various members of which the family called upon is composed. For instance, where there are the mother, aunt, and daughters (the latter having been introduced to society), three cards should be left. Recently, the custom of sending cards has been in a great measure discontinued, and instead of this, the words "No cards" are appended to the ordinary newspaper advertisement, and the announcement of the marriage, with this addition, is considered all sufficient.

1952. Reception.

When the married pair have returned, and the day of reception arrives, wedding cake and wine are handed round, of which every one partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the newly married couple. The bride ought not to receive visitors without a mother, or sister, or some friend being present, not even if her husband be at home. Gentlemen who are in professions, or have Government appointments, cannot always await the arrival of visitors; when such is the case, some old friend of the family should represent him, and proffer an apology for his absence.

1953. The Wedding Tour.

The Wedding Tour must depend upon the tastes and circumstances of the married couple. Home-loving Englishmen and women may find much to admire and enjoy without ranging abroad. Those whose time is somewhat restricted should visit some spot which may be reached without difficulty. Cornwall and Devonshire, the Isle of Wight, &c., are each delightful to the tourist; and the former is now accessible by railway as far as the Land's End. The scenery of the North of Devon, and of both coasts of Cornwall, is especially beautiful. North Wales offers a delightful excursion; the lakes of Westmoreland and Cumberland; the lakes of Killarney, in Ireland; also the magnificent scenery of the Scottish lakes and mountains. To those who wish for a wider range, France, Germany, Switzerland, and the Rhine offer charms which cannot be surpassed.

1954. Wedding Cakes.

Four pounds of fine flour, well dried; four pounds of fresh butter; two pounds of loaf sugar; a quarter of a pound of mace, pounded and sifted fine; the same of nutmegs. To every pound of flour add eight eggs; wash four pounds of currants, let them be well picked and dried before the fire; blanch a pound of sweet almonds, and cut them lengthwise very thin; a pound of citron; one pound of candied orange; the same of candied lemon; half a pint of brandy. When these are made ready, work the butter with your hand to a cream; then beat in the sugar a quarter of an hour; beat the whites of the eggs to a very strong froth; mix them with the sugar and butter; beat the yolks half an hour at least, and mix them with the cake; then put in the flour, mace, and nutmeg, keep beating it well till your oven is ready--pour in the brandy, and beat the currants and almonds lightly in. Tie three sheets of white paper round the bottom of your hoop to keep it from running out; rub it well with butter, put in your cake; lay the sweetmeats in layers; with cake between each layer; and after it is risen and coloured cover it with paper before your oven is stopped up. It will require three hours to bake properly.

[MORNING FOR WORK, EVENING FOR CONTEMPLATION.]

1955. Almond Icing for Wedding Cake.

Beat the whites of three eggs to a strong froth, pulp a pound of Jordan almonds very fine with rose water, mix them, with the eggs, lightly together; put in by degrees a pound of common loaf sugar in powder. When the cake is baked enough, take it out, and lay on the icing; then put it in to brown.

1956. Sugar Icing for Wedding Cake.

Beat two pounds of double refined sugar with two ounces of fine starch, sift the whole through a gauze sieve, then beat the whites of five eggs with a knife upon a pewter dish for half an hour; beat in the sugar a little at a time, or it will make the eggs fall, and injure the colour; when all the sugar is put in, beat it half an hour longer, and then lay on your almond icing, spreading it even with a knife. If put on as soon as the cake comes out of the oven, it will harden by the time the cake is cold.

1957. Marriages of Dissenters.

Marriages of Dissenters may be solemnized at any place of worship duly licensed, and in accordance with the forms of their worship. In some cases, the service of the Church of England is read, with slight additions or modifications. The clerk of the place of worship should be applied to for information.

1958. Christenings.

Christenings may be performed either in accordance with the rites of the Established Church, or of dissenting congregations; the time of birth, and the name of every child, must also be registered. The fees paid for christening vary with a variety of circumstances. Particulars should in each case be obtained of the clerk of the place of worship. It is usual to make a christening the occasion of festivity; but not in such a manner as to require special remark. The parents and god-parents of the child appear at church at the appointed hour. The child is carried by the nurse. The dress of the parties attending a christening should be what may be termed demi-costume, or half-costume; but the infant should be robed in the choicest manner that the circumstances will allow. It is usual for the sponsors to present the child with a gift to be preserved for its future years. Silver spoons, a silver knife and fork, a clasp-bible, a silver cup, and other such articles, are usually chosen. It is usual, also, to give a trifling present to the nurse.

1959. Registration of Births.

The law of registration requires the parents, or occupiers of houses in which the births happen, to register such birth at the registrar's office within _six weeks_ after the date thereof. For registration, within the time specified, _no charge is made_. But after the expiration of the forty-second day from the birth, a fee of _seven shillings and sixpence_ must be paid. After the expiration of six months from the date of the birth, no registration is allowed. It is therefore most important, as soon as possible after the birth of a child, for the father or mother, or in default of either, the occupier of the house in which to his knowledge the child is born, or any one who may have been present at the birth, to go to the office of the registrar of the district, and communicate the following particulars:

1. Date when born. 2. Name of the child. 3. Boy or girl. 4. Name of the father. 5. Name and maiden name of the mother. 6. Rank or profession of the father. 7. Signature, description, and residence of the person giving the information. 8 Date of the registration.

1960. Baptismal Name.

If any child born in England, whose birth has been registered, shall, within six months of such registration, have any name given to it in baptism other than that originally registered, such baptismal name may be added to the previous registration, if, within seven days of such baptism, application be made to the registrar by whom the child was originally registered. For this purpose a certificate of the baptism must be procured of the clergyman, for which a fee of 2s. 7d. (including stamp) must he paid. This certificate must he taken to the registrar, who will charge another fee of _one shilling_ for adding the baptisinal name to the original registration.

[FRUGALITY PROVES AN EASY CHAIR FOR OLD AGE.]

1961. Choice of Names.

To choose names for children, parents should consult the list of names in _pars._ 971, 972.

1962. Children born at Sea.

If any child of an English parent shall be born at sea on board a British vessel, the captain or commanding officer shall make a minute of the particulars touching the birth of the child, and shall, on the arrival of the vessel at any part of the kingdom, or sooner, by any other opportunity, send a certificate of the birth through the post-office (_for which no postage will be charged_), to the Registrar General, General Registrar Office, London.

1963. Funerals and Registration of Deaths.

It is always best to place the direction of a funeral under a respectable undertaker, with the precaution of obtaining his estimate for the expenses, and limiting him to them. He can best advise upon the observances to be attended to, since the style of funerals differs with the station of the deceased's family, and is further modified by the customs of particular localities, and even by religious views.

1964. Registration of Deaths.

The father or mother of any child that dies, or the occupier of a house in which any person may die, must, within _five days_ after such death, give notice to the registrar of the district. Some person present at the death should at the same time attend and give to the registrar an account of the circumstances or cause of the death, to the best of his or her knowledge or belief. Such person must sign his or her name, and give the place of abode at which he or she resides. The following are the particulars required:

1. Date of Death. 2. Name in full. 3. Sex and age. 4. Rank or profession. 5. Cause of death. 6. Signature, description, and residence of the person giving the information. 7. Date of the registration.

A certificate of the cause of death must be obtained from the medical man in attendance, who is required to state when he last saw the patient.

1965. Persons dying at Sea.

The commander of any British vessel, on board of which a death occurs at sea, must act the same as in a case of birth.

1966. Certificates of Death.

Every registrar must deliver to the undertaker, _without fee_, a certificate of the death, which certificate shall be delivered to the officiating minister. No dead body can be buried without such certificate, under a penalty of £10.

1967. Observances of Deaths and Funerals.

It is usual, when a death takes place, to communicate it immediately, upon mourning note-paper, to the principal members of the family, and to request them to notify the same to the more remote relatives in their circle. A subsequent note should state the day and hour at which the funeral is fixed to take place.

1968. Special Invitations.

Special invitations to funerals are not considered requisite to be sent to near relatives; but to friends and acquaintances such invitations should be sent.

1969. Gloves.

Most persons who attend funerals will provide themselves with gloves; but it is well to have a dozen pairs, of assorted sizes, provided in case of accident. An arrangement can be made for those not used to be returned.

1970. Hatbands and Cloaks.

Hatbands and Cloaks will be provided by the undertaker.

1971. Mourning.

The dressmaker will advise upon the "degree" of mourning to be worn, which must be modified according to the age of the deceased, and the relationship of the mourner. The undertaker will advise respecting the degree of mourning to be displayed upon the carriages, horses, &c.

[WE INCREASE OUR WEALTH WHEN WE LESSEN OUR DESIRES.]

1972. Going to the Funeral.

In going to the Funeral the nearest relatives of the deceased occupy the carriages nearest the hearse. The same order prevails in returning. Only the relatives and most intimate friends of the family should return to the house after the funeral; and their visit should be as short as possible.

1973. Walking Funerals.

In Walking Funerals it is considered a mark of respect for friends to become pall-bearers. In the funerals of young persons, the pall should be borne by their companions, wearing white gloves. It is a pretty and an affecting sight to see the pall over the coffin of a young lady borne by six of her female friends. Flowers may be placed, upon the coffin, and strewed in and over the grave.

1974. Societies.

As funerals in England, when conducted in ths ordinary way, with the usual display of hearse, mourning carriages, and costly mourning, are attended with considerable expense, societies have been formed in many parishes with the view of reducing the outlay resorted to on these occasions, and at a time perhaps when it would be better in many cases to observe the strictest economy. The members of these societies agree among themselves to do all that is possible to reduce expenditure at funerals, and to render the accompaniments of the sad ceremony as inexpensive as possible. Instead of going into mourning, many now content themselves with wearing a simple band of cloth round the left arm. This is done by women as well as by men.

1975. Visits of Condolence.

Visits of condolence after funerals should be paid by relatives within from a week to a fortnight; by friends within the second week of the fortnight; friends of less intimacy should make enquiries and leave cards.

1976. Correspondence.

Correspondence with families in mourning should be upon black-edged paper, if from members of the family; or upon the ordinary notepaper, but sealed with black, if from friends.

1977. Ceremonies.

All ceremonies are in themselves superficial things; yet a man of the world should know them. They are the outworks of manners and decency, which would be too often broken in upon, if it were not for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It is for that reason we always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony, true good-breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them.

1978. Love's Telegraph.

If a gentleman want a wife, he wears a ring on the _first_ finger of the left hand; if he be engaged, he wears it on the _second_ finger; if married, on the _third_; and on the fourth if he never intends to be married. When a lady is not engaged, she wears a hoop or diamond on her _first_ finger; if engaged, on the _second_; if married, on the _third_; and on the fourth if she intends to die unmarried. When a gentleman presents a fan, flower, or trinket, to a lady with the _left_ hand, this, on his part, is an overture of regard; should she receive it with the _left_ hand, it is considered as an acceptance of his esteem; but if with the _right_ hand, it is a refusal of the offer. Thus, by a few simple tokens explained by rule, the passion of love is expressed; and through the medium of the telegraph, the most timid and diffident man may, without difficulty, communicate his sentiments of regard to a lady, and, in case his offer should be refused, avoid experiencing the mortification of an explicit refusal.

1979. Wedding Rings.

The custom of wearing wedding rings appears to have taken its rise among the Romans. Before the celebration of their nuptials, there was a meeting of friends at the house of the lady's father, to settle articles of the marriage contract, when it was agreed that the dowry should be paid down on the wedding day or soon after. On this occasion there was commonly a feast, at the conclusion of which the man gave to the woman, as a pledge, a ring, which she put on the fourth finger of her left hand, _because it was believed that a nerve reached thence to the heart_, and a day was then named for the marriage.

1980. Why the Wedding Ring is placed on the Fourth Finger.

"We have remarked on the vulgar error which supposes that an artery runs from the fourth finger of the left hand to the heart. It is said by Swinburn and others, that therefore it became the wedding finger. The priesthood kept up this idea by still retaining it as the wedding finger, but the custom is really associated with the doctrine of the Trinity; for, in the ancient ritual of English marriages, the ring was placed by the husband on the top of the thumb of the left hand, with the words, 'In the name of the father;' he then removed it to the forefinger, saying, 'In the name of the Son;' then to the middle finger, adding, 'And of the Holy Ghost;' finally, he left it as now, on the fourth finger, with the closing word, 'Amen.'" _The History and Poetry of Finger Rings_.

1981. The Art of being Agreeable.

The true art of being agreeble is to appear well pleased with all the company, and rather to seem well entertained with them than to bring entertainment to them. A man thus disposed, perhaps may not have much learning, nor any wit; but if he has common sense and something friendly in his behaviour, it conciliates men's minds more than the brightest parts without this disposition; and when a man of such a turn comes up to old age, he is almost sure to be treated with respect. It is true, indeed, that we should not dissembie and flatter in company; but a man may be very agreeable, strictly, consistent with truth and sincerity, by a prudent silence where he cannot concur, and a pleasing assent where he can. Now and then you meet a person so exactly formed to please, that he will gain upon everyone that hears or beholds him: this disposition is not merely the gift of nature, but frequently the effect of much knowledge of the world, and a command over the passions.

1982. Artificial Manners.

Artificial manners, and such as spring from good taste and refinement, can never be mistaken, and differ as widely as gold and tinsel. How captivating is gentleness of manner derived from true humility, and how faint is every imitation! That suavity of manner which renders a real gentlewoman courteous to all, and careful to avoid giving offence, is often copied by those who merely subject themselves to certain rules of etiquette: but very awkward is the copy. Warm professions of regard are bestowed on those who do not expect them, and the esteem which is due to merit appears to be lavished on every one alike. And as true humility, blended with a right appreciation of self-respect, gives a pleasing cast to the countenance, so from a sincere and open disposition springs that artlessness of manner which disarms all prejudice. Feeling, on the contrary, is ridiculous when affected, and, even when real, should not be too openly manifested. Let the manners arise from the mind, and let there be no disguise for the genuine emotions of the heart.

1983. Hints upon Personal Manners.

It is sometimes objected to books upon etiquette that they cause those who consult them to act with mechanical restraint, and to show in society that they are governed by arbitrary rules, rather than by an intuitive perception of what is graceful and polite.

1984. Unsound Objection.

This objection is unsound because it supposes that people who study the theory of etiquette do not also exercise their powers of observation in society, and obtain, by their intercourse with others, that freedom and ease of deportment which society alone can impart.

[BETTER GO TO BED SUPPERLESS THAN RISE IN DEBT.]

1985. Books upon Etiquette.

Books upon Etiquette are useful, inasmuch as they expound the laws of polite society. Experience alone, however, can give effect to the _precise_ manner in which those laws are required to be observed.

1986. Simple Hints.

Whatever objections may be raised to the teachings of works upon etiquette, there can be no sound argument against a series of simple and brief hints, which shall operate as precautions against mistakes in personal conduct.

1987. No Gossip.

Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is a most common fault. A number of people seldom meet but they begin discussing the affairs of some one who is absent. This is not only uncharitable, but positively unjust. It is equivalent to trying a _cause in the absence of the person implicated_. Even in the criminal code a prisoner is presumed to be innocent until he is found guilty. Society, however, is less just, and passes judgment without hearing the defence. Depend upon it, as a certain rule, _that the people who unite with you in discussing the affairs of others will proceed to your affairs and conduct in your absence_.

1988. Consistent Principles.

Be consistent in the avowal of Principles. Do not deny to-day that which you asserted yesterday. If you do, you will stultify yourself, and your opinions will soon be found to have no weight. You may fancy that you gain favour by subserviency; but so far from gaining favour, you lose respect.

1989. Avoid Falsehood.

Avoid falsehood. There can be found no higher virtue than the love of truth. The man who deceives others must himself become the victim of morbid distrust. Knowing the deceit of his own heart, and the falsehood of his own tongue, his eyes must be always filled with suspicion, and he must lose the greatest of all happiness--confidence in those who surround him.

1990. Elements of Manly Character.

The following elements of manly character are worthy of frequent meditation:

i. To be wise in his disputes.

ii. To be a lamb in his home.

iii. To be brave in battle and great in moral courage.

iv. To be discreet in public.

v. To be a bard in his chair.

vi. To be a teacher in his household.

vii. To be a council in his nation.

viii. To be an arbitrator in his vicinity.

ix. To be a hermit in his church.

x. To be a legislator in his country.

xi. To be conscientious in his actions.

xii. To be happy in his life.

xiii. To be diligent in his calling.

xiv. To be just in his dealing.