Part 14

The extravagant and enthusiastic opinion Dennis had of the merit and importance of his tragedy, called _Liberty Asserted_, cannot be more properly evinced than by the following anecdote. He imagined there were some strokes in it so severe upon the French nation, that they would never be forgiven, and, consequently, that Louis XVI. would not consent to a peace with England unless he was delivered up as a sacrifice to national resentment. Nay, so far did he carry this apprehension, that when the congress for peace at Utrecht was in agitation, he waited upon the Duke of Marlborough, who had formerly been his patron, to entreat his interest with the plenipotentiaries that they should not consent to his being given up. The Duke, however, told him with great gravity, that he was sorry it was not in his power to serve him, as he really had no interest with any of the ministers at that time; but added, that he fancied his case not to be quite so desperate as he seemed to imagine, for that he himself had taken no care to get himself excepted in the articles of peace, and yet he could not help thinking that he had done the French almost as much damage as Mr. Dennis himself.

BON MOT OF QUEEN HENRIETTA.

When Charles I. of England shewed his queen Henrietta the picture of Calvin in his cabinet, which pourtrayed the theologist with a pen in his hand, and his eyes turned up and out of sight of his book, the queen said smiling, “I do not wonder now that Calvin wrote so much nonsense, as he seems not to have attended to what he was doing.”

FOR THE LADIES.

In some parish churches it was the custom to separate the men from the women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short, when a woman eager for the honour of her sex arose and said, “Your reverence, the noise is not among us.” “So much the better,” answered the priest, “it will be the sooner over.”

THE WORLD AN OLD LADY.

Some philosophers were disputing very learnedly and dully on the antiquity of the world. A man of wit, tired of their long discussion, said, “Gentlemen, I believe the world acts like some old ladies, and does not choose to have her age discovered.”

GOOD CAUSES AND BAD.

A counsellor was one day asked by the judge, why he, as a man of talents and integrity, was always employed in knavish causes--“Why, I have been so much in the habit of losing good causes, that I think I had better undertake bad ones.”

A NATURAL MISTAKE.

A black servant being examined in the Church Catechism by the minister of the parish, was asked, “What are you made of?” Cato answered, “Of mud, massa.” On being told that he should say, “Of dust,” he replied, “No, massa, it no do--no stick togedder.”

ADVICE.

Some years ago, the son of an eminent Jew was on the point of being married to a Christian lady, on which the father, who had no objection to the religion of the lady, but to the smallness of her fortune, expostulated with his son, and told him he might have a lady with more money, and that if he married without his consent, he would cut him off with a shilling. The son replied, that whether he consented or not, he would have the object of his wishes; adding, that if he refused he would turn Christian, and then he should claim the benefit of an English law, and obtain half of what he possessed. At this answer, old Mordecai was greatly confounded, and resolved to apply to counsel, to know whether there was any such law. The counsellor replied, “that there certainly was, and that his son, upon turning Christian, would obtain half his fortune; but if you will make me a present of ten guineas,” added he, “I will put you in a way to disappoint him, and the graceless dog shall not be able to obtain a farthing.” At this news the Jew’s hopes revived; and pulling ten guineas out of his pocket he instantly clapped them into the lawyer’s hand, expressing his impatience to know how to proceed. “Why,” said the counsellor, “Mr. Mordecai, you have nothing to do but to turn Christian yourself.”

POWER OF NUMBERS.

A country lad went to be confirmed by the bishop, who, inquiring if he had learned his catechism, asked him how many commandments there were. “Forty,” replied Hodge. “Go home, child, and learn better,” said the bishop. On his return home, Hodge met a companion who was also going to be confirmed. “Stop,” said he, “do you know how many commandments there be?” “Yes, to be sure,” replied the other, “ten.” “Pshaw! you fool!” said the other; “I told the bishop forty, and that would not do. Go home, and learn better.”

SYMBOLS OF MARTYRDOM.

A satiric poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk ever afterwards with a stick. “Mr. P. reminds me,” said a wag, “of some saints, who are always painted with the symbols of their martyrdom.”

AUCTION.

At Mr. Beckford’s sale at Fonthill, a gentleman purchased a bed at a very high price, and found, when it was knocked down to him, that he had bid against his most intimate acquaintance. This gentleman immediately came up, and, shaking him by the hand, made urgent enquiry after his health, which the purchaser of the bed assured him was never so well. “I am rejoiced to hear it,” said the other, “because, in that case, I am sure you will let me have the bargain.” “Nay, my dear friend,” said the purchaser, “what has that to do with it?” “Because,” said he, “if you are quite well, you cannot want to keep your bed.”

HALF THE CURE.

A gentleman, who drank very hard, being seized with a fever, had a consultation of physicians, and while they, in his bedroom, disputed about the best method of abating the thirst and curing the fever,--“Gentlemen,” said the patient, “permit me to put in a word, and I will engage to take half the trouble off your hands; do you cure the fever, and I will abate the thirst myself.”

JEREMY TAYLOR.

When Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. “If your grace,” replied Taylor, “will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it.”

BORROWED FACE.

An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to his agent for his arrears, told him that he was in the most extreme want, and on the point of dying with hunger. The agent seeing him of a jovial and ruddy aspect, replied, that his countenance belied his complaint. “Good sir,” replied the officer, “for heaven’s sake! do not mistake; the visage you see is not mine, but my landlady’s; for she has fed me on trust for these two years.”

SINGULARITY AN ADVANTAGE.

A woman of excellent sense, and somewhat of a satiric turn of mind, was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. ----, adding, that Mr. ---- was a good kind of man, but _so very_ singular. “Well,” replied the lady, “so much the better; if he is very much unlike other men, he is more likely to make a good husband.”

LOOKING GLASSES.

Lady C----, an old coquette, and very fond of her reminiscences, and a censor of all present fashions and arts, looking into her glass, beheld sundry wrinkles, freckles, &c. “Now, here is my new glass,” said her ladyship, “not worth a farthing. They cannot make mirrors so well as they used to do.”

ABSENTERS.

A gentleman, on a tour through the west of England, happened to be at a very populous town on a Sunday, and being acquainted with the minister, he accompanied him to church, which, to his great surprise, was very thinly attended. As they were returning home, he asked his friend “if there were any dissenters in this town.” “No,” said the other, “but there are numerous _ab_senters.”

A SHREWD GUESS.

A lad delivering milk, was asked what made it so warm. “I don’t know,” replied he with much simplicity, “unless they put in warm water instead of cold.”

AGRICULTURAL PUN.

A farmer, in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was met by his landlord, who accosted him thus, “John, I intend to raise your rent;” to which John replied, “Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself.”

MRS. SIDDONS.

At the time when Mrs. Siddons had just reached her high theatrical fame, and had acted some of her principal characters to the admiration of all who beheld her, a formal assembly of learned ladies, consisting of Mrs. Montagu, Mrs. Carter, Miss Hannah More, and sundry other members of the _bas bleu_ met, and prevailed upon Mrs. Siddons to be of the party. Their object was to examine her, and to get from her the secret how she could act with such wonderful effect. Mrs. Montagu was deputed to be the prolocutress of this female convocation. “Pray, madam,” said she to Mrs. Siddons, addressing her in the most formal manner, “give me leave to interrogate you, and to request you will tell us, without duplicity or mental reservation, upon what principle you conduct your dramatic demeanor. Is your mode of acting, by which you obtain so much celebrity, the result of certain studied principles of art? Have you investigated, with profound research, the rules of elocution and gesture, as laid down by the ancients and moderns, and reduced them to practice? or do you suffer nature to predominate, and only speak the untutored language of the passions?” “Ladies,” said the modern Thalia, with great diffidence, but without hesitation, “I do not know how to answer so learned a speech. All I know of the matter, and all I can tell you is that I always act _as well as I can_.”

A GOOD THING WELL APPLIED.

Dr. Henniker being in private conversation with the late Earl of Chatham, his Lordship asked him, among other questions, how he defined wit? “My lord,” said the doctor, “wit is like what a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble servant, _a good thing well applied_.”

ENTERTAINING ANGELS.

A vagrant called at a house on a Sunday and begged for some cider. The lady refused to give him any, when he reminded her of the oft-quoted remark, that she “might entertain an angel unawares.” “Yes,” said she, “but angels don’t go about drinking cider on Sundays.”

A YOUNG LADY’S WAIST.

Dr. Wing, being asked where a young lady’s _waist_ began, replied, “At the altar. The moment they have you trapped, they come down upon your pocket-book like a hawk upon a May bug. After they are married they are all _waste_.” What a libellous fellow!

LORD CHANCELLOR THURLOW.

When Lord Thurlow was at the bar, his clerk was one day reading to him a legal instrument, and when he came to the part, “_I do devise all that farm to_,” &c., &c., he was seized with so very violent a fit of coughing that he could not proceed, on which the testy lawyer exclaimed, “Read on, _with a curse to you--your_ heirs and _their_ heirs _for ever_.”

Mr. Tierney once observed of this noble and learned lord, who was much given to swearing and parsimony, that he was a rigid disciplinarian in his religion, for that in his house it was _passion week in the parlour, and lent in the kitchen, all the year round_.

HIGH BOOTS.

A gentleman complaining to his bootmaker that a pair of boots recently sent were too short, and that he wanted a pair to cover the whole calf, had the following _jeu d’esprit_ sent to him:----

These boots were never made for me, They are too short by half; I want them long enough, d’ye see, To cover all the calf. Why, sir, said Last, with stifled smile, To alter them I’ll try; But if they _cover all the calf_, They must be _five feet high_.

PLAGIARISM.

A celebrated divine, who had prided himself upon his originality, and who would reject his best thought if he imagined it was traceable to any previous author, was startled one day by a friend coolly telling him that every word of his favourite discourse was stolen from a book he had at home. The astonished writer, staggered by his friend’s earnestness, begged for a sight of this volume. He was, however, released from his misery by the other smilingly announcing the work in question to be “Johnson’s Dictionary,” where, continued his tormentor, “I undertake to find every word of your discourse.”

HE PREFERRED RAIN.

After listening to Bushfield Ferrand’s fervid appeal at New Malton, a shrewd Yorkshire farmer was asked what he thought of the speech? His reply was, simply, “Why, I don’t know, but I think six hours’ rain would ha’ done us a deal more good!”

THE RAKE’S PROGRESS.

A captain of a vessel loading coal, went into a merchant’s counting-house, and requested the loan of a rake. The merchant, looking towards his clerks, replied--“I have a number of them, but none, I believe, wish to be hauled over the coals.”

BATTLE OF CAMPERDOWN.

The _Delft_, one of the Dutch ships taken at the battle of Camperdown, was in so shattered a state that, after the greatest exertions for five days to keep her from sinking, all hopes of saving her was given up. The English prize-officer called aside Mr. Hieberg, who had been first lieutenant of the _Delft_, and who remained on board along with a number of the sick and wounded prisoners, who were not in a condition to be removed, and represented that it was impossible to save all; that he intended at a certain signal to throw himself, with his men, into the long-boat, and he invited Hieberg to avail himself of the opportunity to effect his escape. “What!” exclaimed Hieberg, “and leave these unfortunate men?” (pointing to his wounded countrymen, whom it had been necessary to bring on deck, as the hold was already full of water). “No, no; go, and leave us to perish together.” The English officer, affected by the generosity of Hieberg’s answer, replied, “God bless you, my brave fellow: here is my hand; I give you my word I will stay with you.” He then caused his own men to leave the ship, and remained himself behind to assist the Dutch. The _Russel_ soon sent her boats to their succour, which brought off as many as could leap on board them. The boats lost no time in making a second voyage, with equal success. The Delft was now cleared of all but Hieberg and the English officer, with three Dutch subaltern officers, and about thirty seamen, most of them so ill from their wounds as to be unable to move. While still cherishing the hope that the boats would come a third time to their assistance, the fatal moment arrived, and on a sudden the _Delft_ went down. The English officer sprang into the sea and swam to his own ship; but the unfortunate Hieberg perished, the victim of his courage and humanity.

A CANDID THIEF.

During the late session at N----, a man was brought up by a farmer, and accused of stealing some ducks. The farmer said he should know them anywhere, and went on to describe their peculiarity. “Why,” said the counsel for the prisoner, “they can’t be such a very rare breed--I have some like them in my yard.” “That’s very likely, sir,” said the farmer: “these are not the only ducks of the sort I have had stolen lately.”

ONE-EYED WIT.

A man with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. “You have lost,” says the first; “I can see the two eyes in your face, and you can see only one in mine.”

WORTH TEN OF IT.

An old clergyman was in the habit, as soon as he got into the pulpit, of placing his sermon in a crevice under the cushion, where he left it during the singing of the accustomed psalm. One Sunday he pushed the sermon-book too for into the crevice, and lost it. When the psalm was concluded, he called the clerk to bring him a Bible. The clerk, somewhat astonished at this unusual request, brought him a Bible as he was desired. The clergyman opened it, and thus addressed his congregation--“My brethren, I have LOST MY SERMON; but I will read you a chapter in Job WORTH TEN OF IT.”

PAINTING IN BUTTER.

In a club the other day, sat two gentlemen, one of whom has attained fame upon canvas, the other upon paper. He of the pencil was remarkably complimentary to him of the pen--so much so indeed, that the latter at length, with a good-natured laugh exclaimed, “Why, my good fellow, you really show the versatility of your genius in the most striking light: you prove that you can paint not only in oil, but--in butter!”

A WITTY AUCTIONEER.

An auctioneer replied to a person who was importuning him for the remaining change of a pound note, “You must wait with patience till your change come.”

The auctioneer now mentioned, who is remarkable for the boldness of his wit, said to a young jackanapes who was pestering him during the sale, “that he had read of one ass only that spoke, but he now heard another.”

THUNDER.

An itinerant lecturer on Natural Philosophy, and who for some time delivered his prelections in this city, when describing the nature of thunder and the striking phenomena which attend it, gave vent to his alarmed feelings in the following words, “And the repercussant intumescences augment the awful roar.”

MR. SERJEANT BETTESWORTH.

The following lines on Serjeant Bettesworth, which Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to a violent resentment on the part of the barrister:----

“So at the bar the booby Bettesworth, Though half-a-crown o’erpays his sweat’s worth, Who knows in law nor text nor margent, Calls Singleton _his brother serjeant_.”

The poem was sent to Bettesworth at a time when he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial party. He read it aloud till he had finished the lines relative to himself. He then flung it down with great violence--trembled and turned pale--and, after some pause, his rage for a while depriving him of utterance, he took out his penknife, and opening it, vehemently swore, “With this very penknife will I cut off his ears.” He then went to the dean’s house, and not finding him at home, followed him to the house of a friend, where being shewn into a back room, he desired the doctor might be sent for; and on Swift entering the room and asking what were his commands, “Sir,” said he, “I am Serjeant Bettesworth.”--“Of what regiment, pray, sir?” said Swift. “O, Mr. Dean, we know your powers of raillery--you know me well enough; I am one of his majesty’s serjeants at-law, and I am come to demand if you are author of this poem (producing it), and these villanous lines on me?”--“Sir,” said Swift, “when I was a young man, I had the honour of being intimate with some great legal characters, particularly Lord Somers, who, knowing my propensity to satire, advised me when I lampooned a _knave_ or a _fool_ never to own it. Conformably to that advice, I tell you that I am not the author.”

A GOLD FINCH.

The following paragraph appeared in the newspapers lately:--“A young lady, who has £60,000, has lately paired off from Bath with a Mr. Finch, a young Hibernian, for Gretna Green, where she will make him a _Gold Finch_.”

A SMART ANSWER.

A late professor taking a country walk, met one of those beings usually called fools. “Pray,” says the professor, accosting him, “how long can a person live without brains?” “I dunno,” replied the fellow, scratching his head; “pray, how long have you lived yourself, sir?”

POT-LUCK.

An old and rich gentleman married a young lady of good connections and of fashionable manners. His wife’s levee was always attended by a number of young sparks. The old gentleman, however, steered so clear of all jealousy, and kept himself so easy about family affairs, that he used to go to bed and there wait for his wife, who often protracted her amusements until morning, and came home always escorted by young men. One evening, inspired by Bacchus no doubt, they became very unruly in the old gentleman’s house, so that in order to silence them, he was obliged to empty _it_ upon their heads. This expedient had the most desirable effect, for they almost immediately retreated. Fearing, however, that he had proceeded too far, he told a barrister the whole case the next day, and regretted he was not gifted with greater command of temper. “Why are you sorry?” said the other: “you used the company very genteelly; for they came uninvited, and you gave them _pot-luck_.”

A POLITE CHAIRMAN.

One slippery day a gentleman, as he walked along the streets, suddenly lost the use of his legs and fell. A chairman who stood near him, with the greatest politeness bade the gentleman “come to him and he would lift him up.”

I DON’T DRINK MILK

A gentleman, a professed wit, was invited to tea; an opportunity of displaying his powers before the ladies soon occurred. The lady of the house that evening had milk for tea instead of cream. When the wit was asked if he drank cream, “Yes, ma’am,” says he, “but I don’t drink milk.” The old gentleman was so offended at this unreasonable reply, that he ordered the fellow to walk down stairs, and receive the cream of his jest.

LOST MONEY.

“What is that you have found?” said Dr.---- to a little boy going along the streets. “A sixpence, sir,” answered the boy. “Let me see it?” said the doctor: “Now my dear, be sure to tell the person who has lost it (putting it in his pocket) that he will get it again, if he calls at my house, St. ---- Square.”

A FREE TRANSLATION.

A professor had a great partiality for certain young noblemen who attended his class, and gave them certificates for proficiency which they did not deserve. Among his pupils was a poor lad, whose abilities the professor despised merely on account of his homely garb and simplicity of manners. One day the professor wished to give his favourites a laugh at the poor fellow’s expense. “Here sir,” said he, “I will give you three Latin words, our city’s motto, which if you translate into English immediately, I will perhaps conceive a better opinion of you than I have done of late: the words run thus, _Nisi dominus frustra_.” The lad without much thinking, stood up and began, “_Nisi dominus frustra._ Unless we are lord’s sons, it is vain to come here.”

A “SINGLE” PIG.

A butcher of this city bored the ears of his guinea pig, and inserted into them a pair of large ear-rings. As the guinea pig lay before his door one summer day its ludicrous appearance attracted the attention of a gentleman and his daughter who were passing by; the gentleman called the butcher by name, and enquired of him how he came to dress his pig so fancifully? “Why,” said the honest butcher, “to tell you the truth, it is because she’s single, and I wish to get her off.”

WHISTON’S DEFENCE OF TRUTH.