Part 15

Whiston was much taken notice of after his expulsion from Cambridge, and had the friendship of all the eminent Whigs then in London: among these, Secretary Craggs, Addison, Steele, Mr. Walpole, Sir Joseph Jekyl, Sir Peter King, and Lord Chief Justice Parker, were his most intimate. Dining one day with Mr. Craggs, when Addison, Walpole, and Steele were present, the conversation happened to turn on this point, “Whether a secretary of state could be an honest man, as to his veracity in dealing with foreign courts, consistent with the good of his country?” Craggs said it was impossible; Addison and Steele were of the contrary opinion. Having long debated this matter with some warmth, during all which time Mr. Whiston continued silent, Mr. Walpole insisted on his giving his opinion: he begged to be excused, as not having made politics at all his study, though the moral duties between man and man he thought very plain. Being pressed strongly to speak his sentiments, he said he was very clear that the duty of speaking truth was so strong, that no apprehension of any inconvenience arising from it could be a sufficient reason against it: that it was not always our duty to speak, but when we did speak it should be the truth, without any prevarication: and that he did firmly believe, if ministers of state did in general practise it, they would even find their account in it. To which Mr. Craggs replied warmly, “It might do for a fortnight perhaps, Mr. Whiston, but it would not hold.” Whiston immediately asked, “Pray, Mr. Craggs, did you ever try it for a fortnight?” To this no answer was returned. Walpole cried out, “Mr. Whiston, truth has prevailed; Craggs is convicted.”

WEWITZER’S SPENCER.

Mr. Wewitzer, late of Drury Lane Theatre, a gentleman no less distinguished for his merit as an actor and his good character as a man, than for the amenity of his manners and the neatness of his wit, having given orders to his tailor for a spencer, asked him how much it would cost. “I cannot,” said Stitch, “exactly say, but you may depend on’t, sir, that it will come very _low_.” “Then,” said the wit, “it will not be a spencer.”

DISAPPROBATION.

An actor played a season at Richmond Theatre for the privilege only of having a benefit. When his night came he had to sustain a principal part in the piece. The whole of his audience, however (being thirty in number), gave him every mark of disapprobation, and a great hissing, on which he came forward and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope it will be by at least six times as many as I have here to night.”

WOODWARD.

When Woodward first played _Sir John Brute_, Garrick was induced, from curiosity or perhaps jealousy, to be present. A few days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in the part, adding, “I think I struck out _some_ beauties in it.” “I think,” said Garrick, “that you struck out _all_ the beauties in it.”

TOM WESTON.

Tom Weston, of facetious memory, being in a strolling company in Sussex, when the success was even less than moderate, ran up a bill of three shillings with his landlord, who, waiting on the comedian, insisted on his money immediately. “Make yourself easy, my honest fellow,” said Weston, “for by the gods, I will pay you this night in some shape or another.” “See you do, Master Weston,” retorted the landlord, surlily, “and, d’ye hear, let it be as much in the _shape_ of three shillings as possible.”

DELPHINI.

When Delphini first came to England, his company was much sought after by the great; he was invited to the most fashionable parties in town; this greatly impaired his health; he therefore resolved to lead a more retired life; but invitation upon invitation pouring in upon him, and he not speaking English very well, asked a friend, “_Vat he say, ven de people ax him come tea and sup?_” “Say? why say you have _got other fish to fry_.” In a day or two after this he was met in the street by Lord C----, who told him he was going to have a party that evening, and would be glad if he would favour him with his company. “No,” replied Delphini, “I no come.” “No! why not?” said his lordship. “_Cause I go fry my oder fish._”

The same, when he was discharged from Covent Garden, was met one day by his present majesty, then Prince of Wales, who inquired after his health. “My health very bad, Mr. Prince, I get no _vine now_.” “No wine! that’s bad indeed,” said the Prince; “well, go to my cellarman, and tell him to send you some.” “Yes, I go; God bless you, Mr. Prince.” He accordingly went to the cellarman, and having informed him of the Prince’s orders, he was asked how much he would have, and what sort. He replied, “_Only twelve dozen, and all sort_.”

A CHEMIST’S DIFFICULTY.

A lady, when asked in marriage by a certain chemist, said, “that she had no dislike for him, only she thought that his head was composed of too volatile particles.”

A MAN OF LETTERS.

In a certain literary society where the question was, whether the merchant or the man of letters was of the greatest use to society, one of the members asked if by the man of letters was meant a postman?

GOOD LORD, DELIVER US.

“They say you’re now become a laird,” said Dr. A. to Dr. B., an eminent accoucheur, as he met him on the street and shook him by the hand. “What would they say,” replied the other, “were I to become a lord?” “They would undoubtedly say, _Good lord, deliver us_,” answered the other.

LEARNING LATIN.

A boy when asked if he understood Latin, replied that he did not know, as he had never tried.

EVIDENCE.

“Stand up, and hold up your right hand,” said a judge to a sailor, who had been summoned as a witness in a case of murder, and who had been instructed by some person to repeat what his lordship said to him, and precisely in the same tone in which it was delivered. “Stand up, and hold up your right hand,” replied the other. “What does the fellow mean?” said his lordship amazed. “What does the fellow mean?” answered the other. “This will never do,” said his lordship in a peremptory tone, “you must say the following words after me.” “This will never do; you must say the following words after me, and be d----d!” repeated the sailor.

CASTING REFLECTIONS ON A PROFESSOR.

In the late professor H----’s class, a gentleman’s gilded buttons happened to reflect the sun’s rays upon the professor’s face. The professor, as it may be supposed, ordered the gentleman to desist; the other, ignorant of the matter, with the utmost simplicity, affirmed, “that he would be the last in the class who would cast reflections on the professor.”

A SMART ANSWER.

An aged grey-haired beggar came to the door of a country ale-house in England, where the three greatest wits of the parish were sitting over a jug of the best. When he preferred his usual petition, one of the jocular companions ridiculed his appearance, calling him _Father Abraham_; the second called him _Father Isaac_; the third _Father Jacob_; asserting that he must be one of those reverend personages. But finding he answered to neither of those appellations, they exclaimed, “then who the devil are you?” The old man cast on them a look of contempt as he replied, “I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob: but I am Saul the son of Kish; I was sent to seek my father’s three asses; here I have found them, and here I shall leave them.”

MR. MOORE.

Mr. Moore, the author of many ingenious pieces, being a long time under an expensive prosecution in Doctors’ Commons for marrying two sisters, was called upon one morning by his proctor, as he was writing his excellent tragedy of the _Gamester_: the proctor having a leisure hour, Mr. Moore read him four acts of his piece, which were all at that time finished. The proctor was so affected by it, that he exclaimed, “Good God! how can you possibly add to this couple’s distress in the last act?” “Oh, very easily,” says the poet; “there I intend to put them both into the _spiritual court_.”

THE ITALIANS AND THE WAITER.

An Italian singer, at the Opera House, who had but lately arrived in this country, and not speaking English, was so anxious to acquire it, that he always had in his pocket an Italian and English dictionary; and being in general accompanied by a friend who spoke a little better than himself, he determined to practise nothing else. On his first visit to an Orange coffee-house, he placed himself before the fire and called “Vater, vater,” but to no purpose. His friend whispered to him--“He’s no vater at all--he’s vaiter.” “Oh den, vaiter, vaiter.” “What do you want, gentlemen?” “Medin, medin.” “I do not understand,” said the waiter. His friend again whispered--“He’s no medin, he’s dinne me.” “An! dinne me,” repeats the other. “Oh, _dinner_,” says the waiter; “what would you like to have?” “One large porkshop.” “The devil you will,” said the waiter: “what, a whole porkshop?” His friend whispers--“He no porkshop--he’s one pork chops.” “Oh, pork chops, very well.” The dinner was brought, and after he had dined, he called “Vaiter, vaiter!” “Well sir?” “_Mettez moi_ six or seven turnpikes.” “Seven turnpikes? that’s impossible, sir.” His friend whispers again--“He’s no turnpikes--he’s tiddlepicks.” “Ah! tiddlepicks.” “I do not understand yet, sir.” “No! Got d----n! it is to take it away the meat out ma _tooth_.”

A RIDICULOUS MISTAKE.

A woman once asked another, “Pray, had your mother any children?” Seeing the other laugh, and quickly recollecting herself, “Lord bless me,” says she, “what a ridiculous mistake I made! it was your grandmother I meant.”

CUT DOWN AND CUT UP.

A man just hung, and an author just about publishing a book, are nearly in the same predicament--both are in suspense. But we may observe this striking difference between them, namely--the former will certainly be cut down, while the latter will most probably be cut up.

A COURTIER.

One of our scarlet courtiers, lighting from his great prancing horse at the court gate, called to one that stood by, and bid him hold his horse whilst he walked into the court. The man seemed afraid of the beast, and asked him if he was not unruly, and whether one man might hold him or no; he answered yes very easily. “Nay, then,” said he, “_If it be but one man’s work I would wish you to do it yourself_, for I have other business than to walk horses.”

PICTURES HANGED.

A fantastic gentleman having bespoke divers pictures to furnish a gallery: when the limner brought them home, he would presently dispose them in their several places. “Here,” said he, “hang this, here that, and there that; but at this end, _in full view of the door, will I be hanged myself_.”

A GENTLEMAN AND HIS MISTRESS.

A gentleman, playing on the lute under his mistress’s window; she disdaining his presence and despising his service, caused her servants to pelt him thence with stones; of which disgrace complaining afterwards to a friend of his, his friend told him that he had much mistaken the gentle woman; for what greater grace could she do to your music than _to make the very stones dance about you, as they did to Orpheus_.

ONE FOWLE A GENTLEMAN.

One _Fowle_ by name, petitioning to a great man in this kingdom, was a long while delayed. At length, somewhat importunate, he stirred the nobleman’s patience so far that in a great rage he bad him get him gone for a woodcock as he was, at which the petitioner, smiling, humbly thanked his Lordship for that present courtesy. The lord, turning back and supposing he had flouted, asked him what courtesy? “Why, truly, my lord,” said he, “I have known myself a _Fowle_ these fifty years and upwards, but never knew what fowl till now your lordship told me.” His answer pleased, and his suite was despatched with all possible speed.

AN ABOMINABLE TRUTH.

A notable braggard boasted how it was his chance to meet with two of his arch-enemies at once. “The one,” said he, “I tossed so high in the air, that had he had at his back a baker’s basket full of bread, though he had eaten all the way, he would have been starved in his fall ere he had reached the ground; the other he struck so deep into the earth that he left no more of him to be seen above ground but his head and one of his arms, and those to no other end than to put off his hat to him, as he had occasion to pass that way.”

A PAINTED FACE.

A lady, that used to plaister her face extremely so by art, to repair the decays of nature, was on a time, with divers others, invited abroad to dinner. But one of them, an acquaintance of her’s, wished her by no means to go. “Why?” said my lady. “Marry,” replies the gentleman, “’tis ten to one we shall be wondrous merry, and _you cannot well laugh, for fear of shewing two faces_.”

A TUTOR AND HIS SCHOLAR.

A young lad of a college in Oxford, when he should have been in the public hall at disputations, a little before the time fell asleep, and by that means failed of coming down. His tutor, being then moderator, missed him, and after exercise was done went up to his study, where, finding him asleep, he waked him, chid him for sleeping at that time of day, and angrily asked him why he was not at disputations. The youth, after a little yawning and stretching, replied, “Truly, sir, _I did not dream of it_.”

PETER MARTYR.

One Peter Martyr, a great scholar, and very famous in his time, had been a long time suitor for a bishopric, but was still crossed in his suit. At last four friars-confessors were preferred together to four vacant Sees, and he not remembered, which he hearing of, said, “Methinks amongst so many confessors one _Martyr_ would not have done amiss.”

A YOUNG MASTER OF ARTS.

A young master of arts, the very next day after the commencement, having his course to a common place in the chapel, where were divers that but the day before had taken their degree, chose his text out of the eighth chapter of Job. The words were these: “We are but of yesterday, and know nothing.” “This text,” said he, “doth fitly divide itself into two branches--our standing and our understanding--our standing in these words, ‘_We are but of yesterday_;’ our understanding, ‘_We know nothing_.’”

A TRAVELLER DROWNED.

When a gentleman heard that a traveller, a friend of his, was drowned, he fetched a great sigh and said, “Now God rest his soul, for he is gone the way of all flesh.” “Nay,” said another, then standing by, “if he be drowned, he is rather gone the way of all fish.”

A MONUMENT TO CRANMER.

The High Church at Oxford, having acquired a very large amount of subscribed money to erect a temple or monument in honour of Archbishop Cranmer, was desirous to find a site on the very spot where he was buried. In their search they not only concluded that the spot had been found but also his bones. To make quite certain these were sent for examination to Professor Buckland, who, having examined them, pronounced them to be the bones of a _cow_.

TALLEYRAND.

The wife of an ambassador, in passing before Talleyrand through an ante-room to dinner, the latter looking up, exclaimed significantly, “Ah!” The lady, speaking across the table during dinner, asked him why he said “Oh!” Talleyrand, with a grave, self-vindicatory look, answered, “_Madame, je n’ai pas dit oh! j’ai dit Ah!_”

DENTISTRY IN INDIA.

An English dentist practising in India got a commission to make a set of teeth for the King of Delhi. The prime difficulty was how to obtain the model, as the hand of a Christian in the royal mouth would be counted an abomination. It was at last decided that if his hands were washed in the Ganges contact might be permitted. The teeth suited admirably. One of the courtiers declared they would be good for nothing, and the king, to test them, desired him to put his finger in his mouth and try. The king made a snap and nearly bit the finger in two. Unhappily, the teeth suited so well that the king’s appetite, being enormous, brought on a plethora, which nearly killed him, and the teeth were consigned to the Ganges.

LONDON HOSPITALITY TO MEN OF GENIUS.

Sydney Smith was accustomed to entertain his friends with a description of the _dining_ process by which Londoners extracted all they wanted from new literary lions. “Here’s a new man of genius arrived; put on the stew pan; fry away; we’ll soon get out of him all we want.”

SELLING A HORSE.

A horse dealer had a horse for sale. The intending purchaser, intending to use him as a hunter, was desirous of knowing his leaping qualities, and enquired, “Would he take timber?” “He’d jump over your head,” answers the other; “I don’t know what you call _that_.”

THE PARALLEL OF THE ODYSSEY AND THE RED INDIAN.

Homer relates how in spite of all the precautions of Ulysses, his companions let loose the Bag of the Winds, and he, calmly wrapping his mantle round his head, submits to his fate. The passage is thus translated--

“I then awaking, in my noble mind Stood doubting, whether from my vessel’s side Immersed to perish in the flood, or calm To endure my sorrows and consent to live. I calm endured them; but around my head Winding my mantle, laid me down below.”

An Indian chief was lying asleep in his boat, which was fastened to the shore, in the still water above the current of the Niagara Falls. An enemy passing along cut the rope and sent the boat adrift, which was soon hurrying down the cataract. The Indian, awaking, at once saw his danger, and made every effort by means of his paddle to stop the career of the canoe and gain the land. He soon found that his efforts were unavailing, and that his destruction was at hand. He took a draught from his brandy flask, wrapped his mantle about him, and calmly looking forward at the fate awaiting him, went down the Falls.

THE LONDON BIBLIOPOLIST.

An author was entertaining Theodore Hook with a description of a dinner party at which a well known bibliopolist had partaken too freely, when the wit remarked, “Why, you appear to me to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your _book-seller_.”

AN ENTOMOLOGIST’S DINNER.

Sydney Smith, on the occasion of his being invited by his publisher to meet at dinner several distinguished entomologists, suggested as a bill of fare proper for the occasion, “To wit, flea patés, earthworms on toast, caterpillars crawling in cream and removing themselves,” &c., &c.

LORD CHANCELLOR ERSKINE.

This great orator and profound lawyer, among his many qualifications, was signally deficient in his knowledge of the French language. Being in Paris, he was desirous of having several of his friends to dinner, and insisted on writing the notes of invitation himself. On Wednesday, the day appointed, none of his friends appeared, and he was in great perplexity. On inquiry being made if he was certain that his notes were all right, after a short pause, he asked, “Isn’t _Vendredi_ French for Wednesday?”

ROBERT BURNS.

On one occasion at a public dinner, during the feverish times of Jacobinism, the poet was asked for a toast. In response, he gave a Bible toast, “the last verse of the last chapter of the last Book of Kings.” On another occasion, before some high Tories, having to give a toast, he said to the chairman, “You agree that Lords should have their privileges?” “Yes, certainly,” was the reply. “Well, then, I’ll give you the privileges of the Lords of the Creation.”

RICHELIEU’S LIBERALITY.

Fenelon frequently teased Richelieu for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, but quite ineffectually. Telling Richelieu that he had just seen his picture, the latter with a sneer asked “Did you ask it for a subscription?” “No,” answered Fenelon, “I saw there was no chance, it was so like you.”

BISHOP HORSLEY.

In a speech in the House of Lords on the Slave Trade, the worthy Bishop made a quotation on the authority of Mungo Park to the effect “That to such a pitch of elegance and refinement has Africa advanced, that in the bosom, in the very heart of that calumniated country, there are women to be found wearing white petticoats.”

SHABBY DINNERS.

A shabby Amphytrion asked repeatedly a neighbour of his to dine with him. After many refusals he at length accepted an invitation, but found the dinner so meagre and bad that he got scarcely a morsel to eat. When the dishes were removed the host said, “Now the ice is broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you some day.” “Most willingly.” “Name your day, then.” “To-day,” answered the dinnerless guest.

It is told of another, remarkable for absence of mind, that dining at the same sort of shabby repast he fancied himself in his own house, and began to apologise for the wretchedness of the dinner.

IN THE WRONG PLACE.

A young fellow having found his way to a ball-room at Chelsea, was asked by one of the stewards, “What are you?” (meaning to enquire what o’clock it was). Awaking to a lively consciousness of the intrusion of which he had been guilty, he stammered out, “Why, sir, I confess I am a baker, but if you will have the goodness to say no more about it I will instantly leave the room.”

THE RETORT COURTEOUS.

A lady from Vienna was very pronounced in expressing her opinion that “French was spoken wretchedly in London.” Lord Dudley, somewhat stung by the remark, replied, “It is true, madam, we have not enjoyed the advantage of having had the French twice in our capital.”

CHARLES LAMB.

Lamb had for his next neighbour, at dinner, a chattering woman. Observing that he didn’t attend to what she was saying, she remarked, “You don’t seem to be at all the better for what I have been saying to you.” “No, madam,” he answered, “but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other.”

BANNISTER AT SIXTY-FIVE.

Bannister was somewhat sad in finding he had reached his sixty-fifth year, which was exactly the number of his house. Returning home in a melancholy humour, and looking up at the number plate on the door, soliloquised thus: “Aye, you needn’t tell me, I know it; you told me the same thing yesterday.”

THE BRABANTER AND THE SWISS.

A Brabanter, in conversation with a Swiss, charged the latter with always being ready to fight for money, while he (the Brabanter) fought for honour. In reply, the Swiss drily said, “The truth is, we each of us fight for what each most wants.”

CONTENTMENT.

It is told of Lord Muskery, that when on his death-bed, in reviewing his past life, he said, “that he had nothing to reproach himself with, having never through life denied himself any thing.”

CHEAP LIVING.

A man of respectable appearance made a boast of how his eating cost him almost nothing. “On Sunday,” said he, “I always dine with an old friend, and then eat so much that it lasts until Wednesday, when I buy some tripe, which I hate like the devil, and which makes me so sick that I can eat nothing more till Sunday again.”

DUTCH POLITENESS.

A Dutch commercial house in writing to their correspondents in London, concluded their letter as follows:--“Sugars are falling more and more every day; not so the respect and esteem with which we are, &c., &c.”

SMITH THE NABOB.

General Smith, the celebrated Nabob, formed one of a shooting party. During luncheon he enlarged on his want of success, and as an excuse for his bad shooting alleged that he had “spoilt his hand by shooting pea-cocks with the Great Mogul.” On another occasion having invited a large number of friends to his country seat, he had to write putting off the engagement saying, “I find my damned fellow of a steward has, in the meantime, sold the estate.”

LORD KENYON’S PARSIMONY.

Some one remarking on the inaccuracy of the inscription on Lord Kenyon’s tomb, _Mors janna vita_, in the hearing of Lord Ellenborough, the latter remarked that _that_ had been done by Lord Kenyon’s express desire, as he left it in his will that they should not go to the expense of a diphthong.

MISTAKEN.