Chapter 22

‘Here are chaste wives, pure lives; here people pay But what they please; and if that things be dear, ’Tis only that they love to throw away Their cash, to show how much they have a-year. Here laws are all inviolate; none lay Traps for the traveller; every highway ’s clear: Here—’ he was interrupted by a knife, With,—‘Damn your eyes! your money or your life!’

These freeborn sounds proceeded from four pads In ambush laid, who had perceived him loiter Behind his carriage; and, like handy lads, Had seized the lucky hour to reconnoitre, In which the heedless gentleman who gads Upon the road, unless he prove a fighter, May find himself within that isle of riches Exposed to lose his life as well as breeches.

Juan, who did not understand a word Of English, save their shibboleth, ‘God damn!’ And even that he had so rarely heard, He sometimes thought ’twas only their ‘Salam,’ Or ‘God be with you!’—and ’tis not absurd To think so: for half English as I am (To my misfortune), never can I say I heard them wish ‘God with you,’ save that way;—

Juan yet quickly understood their gesture, And being somewhat choleric and sudden, Drew forth a pocket pistol from his vesture, And fired it into one assailant’s pudding— Who fell, as rolls an ox o’er in his pasture, And roar’d out, as he writhed his native mud in, Unto his nearest follower or henchman, ‘Oh Jack! I’m floor’d by that ’ere bloody Frenchman!’

On which Jack and his train set off at speed, And Juan’s suite, late scatter’d at a distance, Came up, all marvelling at such a deed, And offering, as usual, late assistance. Juan, who saw the moon’s late minion bleed As if his veins would pour out his existence, Stood calling out for bandages and lint, And wish’d he had been less hasty with his flint.

‘Perhaps,’ thought he, ‘it is the country’s wont To welcome foreigners in this way: now I recollect some innkeepers who don’t Differ, except in robbing with a bow, In lieu of a bare blade and brazen front. But what is to be done? I can’t allow The fellow to lie groaning on the road: So take him up; I’ll help you with the load.’

But ere they could perform this pious duty, The dying man cried, ‘Hold! I’ve got my gruel! O for a glass of max! We’ve miss’d our booty; Let me die where I am!’ And as the fuel Of life shrunk in his heart, and thick and sooty The drops fell from his death-wound, and he drew ill His breath,—he from his swelling throat untied A kerchief, crying, ‘Give Sal that!’—and died.

The cravat stain’d with bloody drops fell down Before Don Juan’s feet: he could not tell Exactly why it was before him thrown, Nor what the meaning of the man’s farewell. Poor Tom was once a kiddy upon town, A thorough varmint, and a real swell, Full flash, all fancy, until fairly diddled, His pockets first and then his body riddled.

Don Juan, having done the best he could In all the circumstances of the case, As soon as ‘Crowner’s quest’ allow’d, pursued His travels to the capital apace;— Esteeming it a little hard he should In twelve hours’ time, and very little space, Have been obliged to slay a freeborn native In self-defence: this made him meditative.

He from the world had cut off a great man, Who in his time had made heroic bustle. Who in a row like Tom could lead the van, Booze in the ken, or at the spellken hustle? Who queer a flat? Who (spite of Bow Street’s ban) On the high toby-spice so flash the muzzle? Who on a lark, with black-eyed Sal (his blowing), So prime, so swell, so nutty, and so knowing?

But Tom’s no more—and so no more of Tom. Heroes must die; and by God’s blessing ’tis Not long before the most of them go home. Hail! Thamis, Hail! Upon thy verge it is That Juan’s chariot, rolling like a drum In thunder, holds the way it can’t well miss, Through Kennington and all the other ‘tons,’ Which makes us wish ourselves in town at once;—

Through Groves, so call’d as being void of trees (Like lucus from no light); through prospects named Mount Pleasant, as containing nought to please, Nor much to climb; through little boxes framed Of bricks, to let the dust in at your ease, With ‘To be let’ upon their doors proclaim’d; Through ‘Rows’ most modestly call’d ‘Paradise,’ Which Eve might quit without much sacrifice;—

Through coaches, drays, choked turnpikes, and a whirl Of wheels, and roar of voices, and confusion; Here taverns wooing to a pint of ‘purl,’ There mails fast flying off like a delusion; There barbers’ blocks with periwigs in curl In windows; here the lamplighter’s infusion Slowly distill’d into the glimmering glass (For in those days we had not got to gas);—

Through this, and much, and more, is the approach Of travellers to mighty Babylon: Whether they come by horse, or chaise, or coach, With slight exceptions, all the ways seem one. I could say more, but do not choose to encroach Upon the Guide-book’s privilege. The sun Had set some time, and night was on the ridge Of twilight, as the party cross’d the bridge,—

That ’s rather fine. The gentle sound of Thamis— Who vindicates a moment, too, his stream, Though hardly heard through multifarious ‘damme’s’— The lamps of Westminster’s more regular gleam, The breadth of pavement, and yon shrine where fame is A spectral resident—whose pallid beam In shape of moonshine hovers o’er the pile— Make this a sacred part of Albion’s isle.

The Druids’ groves are gone—so much the better: Stone-Henge is not—but what the devil is it?— But Bedlam still exists with its sage fetter, That madmen may not bite you on a visit; The Bench too seats or suits full many a debtor; The Mansion House too (though some people quiz it) To me appears a stiff yet grand erection; But then the Abbey ’s worth the whole collection.

The line of lights, too, up to Charing Cross, Pall Mall, and so forth, have a coruscation Like gold as in comparison to dross, Match’d with the Continent’s illumination, Whose cities Night by no means deigns to gloss. The French were not yet a lamp-lighting nation, And when they grew so—on their new-found lantern, Instead of wicks, they made a wicked man turn.

A row of gentlemen along the streets Suspended may illuminate mankind, As also bonfires made of country seats; But the old way is best for the purblind: The other looks like phosphorus on sheets, A sort of ignis fatuus to the mind, Which, though ’tis certain to perplex and frighten, Must burn more mildly ere it can enlighten.

But London ’s so well lit, that if Diogenes Could recommence to hunt his honest man, And found him not amidst the various progenies Of this enormous city’s spreading span, ’Twere not for want of lamps to aid his dodging his Yet undiscover’d treasure. What I can, I’ve done to find the same throughout life’s journey, But see the world is only one attorney.

Over the stones still rattling up Pall Mall, Through crowds and carriages, but waxing thinner As thunder’d knockers broke the long seal’d spell Of doors ’gainst duns, and to an early dinner Admitted a small party as night fell,— Don Juan, our young diplomatic sinner, Pursued his path, and drove past some hotels, St. James’s Palace and St. James’s ‘Hells.’

They reach’d the hotel: forth stream’d from the front door A tide of well-clad waiters, and around The mob stood, and as usual several score Of those pedestrian Paphians who abound In decent London when the daylight ’s o’er; Commodious but immoral, they are found Useful, like Malthus, in promoting marriage.— But Juan now is stepping from his carriage

Into one of the sweetest of hotels, Especially for foreigners—and mostly For those whom favour or whom fortune swells, And cannot find a bill’s small items costly. There many an envoy either dwelt or dwells (The den of many a diplomatic lost lie), Until to some conspicuous square they pass, And blazon o’er the door their names in brass.

Juan, whose was a delicate commission, Private, though publicly important, bore No title to point out with due precision The exact affair on which he was sent o’er. ’Twas merely known, that on a secret mission A foreigner of rank had graced our shore, Young, handsome, and accomplish’d, who was said (In whispers) to have turn’d his sovereign’s head.

Some rumour also of some strange adventures Had gone before him, and his wars and loves; And as romantic heads are pretty painters, And, above all, an Englishwoman’s roves Into the excursive, breaking the indentures Of sober reason wheresoe’er it moves, He found himself extremely in the fashion, Which serves our thinking people for a passion.

I don’t mean that they are passionless, but quite The contrary; but then ’tis in the head; Yet as the consequences are as bright As if they acted with the heart instead, What after all can signify the site Of ladies’ lucubrations? So they lead In safety to the place for which you start, What matters if the road be head or heart?

Juan presented in the proper place, To proper placemen, every Russ credential; And was received with all the due grimace By those who govern in the mood potential, Who, seeing a handsome stripling with smooth face, Thought (what in state affairs is most essential) That they as easily might do the youngster, As hawks may pounce upon a woodland songster.

They err’d, as aged men will do; but by And by we’ll talk of that; and if we don’t, ’Twill be because our notion is not high Of politicians and their double front, Who live by lies, yet dare not boldly lie:— Now what I love in women is, they won’t Or can’t do otherwise than lie, but do it So well, the very truth seems falsehood to it.

And, after all, what is a lie? ’Tis but The truth in masquerade; and I defy Historians, heroes, lawyers, priests, to put A fact without some leaven of a lie. The very shadow of true Truth would shut Up annals, revelations, poesy, And prophecy—except it should be dated Some years before the incidents related.

Praised be all liars and all lies! Who now Can tax my mild Muse with misanthropy? She rings the world’s ‘Te Deum,’ and her brow Blushes for those who will not:—but to sigh Is idle; let us like most others bow, Kiss hands, feet, any part of majesty, After the good example of ‘Green Erin,’ Whose shamrock now seems rather worse for wearing.

Don Juan was presented, and his dress And mien excited general admiration— I don’t know which was more admired or less: One monstrous diamond drew much observation, Which Catherine in a moment of ‘ivresse’ (In love or brandy’s fervent fermentation) Bestow’d upon him, as the public learn’d; And, to say truth, it had been fairly earn’d.

Besides the ministers and underlings, Who must be courteous to the accredited Diplomatists of rather wavering kings, Until their royal riddle ’s fully read, The very clerks,—those somewhat dirty springs Of office, or the house of office, fed By foul corruption into streams,—even they Were hardly rude enough to earn their pay:

And insolence no doubt is what they are Employ’d for, since it is their daily labour, In the dear offices of peace or war; And should you doubt, pray ask of your next neighbour, When for a passport, or some other bar To freedom, he applied (a grief and a bore), If he found not his spawn of taxborn riches, Like lap-dogs, the least civil sons of b—s.

But Juan was received with much ‘empressement:’— These phrases of refinement I must borrow From our next neighbours’ land, where, like a chessman, There is a move set down for joy or sorrow Not only in mere talking, but the press. Man In islands is, it seems, downright and thorough, More than on continents—as if the sea (See Billingsgate) made even the tongue more free.

And yet the British ‘Damme’ ’s rather Attic: Your continental oaths are but incontinent, And turn on things which no aristocratic Spirit would name, and therefore even I won’t anent This subject quote; as it would be schismatic In politesse, and have a sound affronting in ’t:— But ‘Damme’ ’s quite ethereal, though too daring— Platonic blasphemy, the soul of swearing.

For downright rudeness, ye may stay at home; For true or false politeness (and scarce that Now) you may cross the blue deep and white foam— The first the emblem (rarely though) of what You leave behind, the next of much you come To meet. However, ’tis no time to chat On general topics: poems must confine Themselves to unity, like this of mine.

In the great world,—which, being interpreted, Meaneth the west or worst end of a city, And about twice two thousand people bred By no means to be very wise or witty, But to sit up while others lie in bed, And look down on the universe with pity,— Juan, as an inveterate patrician, Was well received by persons of condition.

He was a bachelor, which is a matter Of import both to virgin and to bride, The former’s hymeneal hopes to flatter; And (should she not hold fast by love or pride) ’Tis also of some moment to the latter: A rib ’s a thorn in a wed gallant’s side, Requires decorum, and is apt to double The horrid sin—and what ’s still worse, the trouble.

But Juan was a bachelor—of arts, And parts, and hearts: he danced and sung, and had An air as sentimental as Mozart’s Softest of melodies; and could be sad Or cheerful, without any ‘flaws or starts,’ Just at the proper time; and though a lad, Had seen the world—which is a curious sight, And very much unlike what people write.

Fair virgins blush’d upon him; wedded dames Bloom’d also in less transitory hues; For both commodities dwell by the Thames, The painting and the painted; youth, ceruse, Against his heart preferr’d their usual claims, Such as no gentleman can quite refuse: Daughters admired his dress, and pious mothers Inquired his income, and if he had brothers.

The milliners who furnish ‘drapery Misses’ Throughout the season, upon speculation Of payment ere the honey-moon’s last kisses Have waned into a crescent’s coruscation, Thought such an opportunity as this is, Of a rich foreigner’s initiation, Not to be overlook’d—and gave such credit, That future bridegrooms swore, and sigh’d, and paid it.

The Blues, that tender tribe who sigh o’er sonnets, And with the pages of the last Review Line the interior of their heads or bonnets, Advanced in all their azure’s highest hue: They talk’d bad French or Spanish, and upon its Late authors ask’d him for a hint or two; And which was softest, Russian or Castilian? And whether in his travels he saw Ilion?

Juan, who was a little superficial, And not in literature a great Drawcansir, Examined by this learned and especial Jury of matrons, scarce knew what to answer: His duties warlike, loving or official, His steady application as a dancer, Had kept him from the brink of Hippocrene, Which now he found was blue instead of green.

However, he replied at hazard, with A modest confidence and calm assurance, Which lent his learned lucubrations pith, And pass’d for arguments of good endurance. That prodigy, Miss Araminta Smith (Who at sixteen translated ‘Hercules Furens’ Into as furious English), with her best look, Set down his sayings in her common-place book.

Juan knew several languages—as well He might—and brought them up with skill, in time To save his fame with each accomplish’d belle, Who still regretted that he did not rhyme. There wanted but this requisite to swell His qualities (with them) into sublime: Lady Fitz-Frisky, and Miss Maevia Mannish, Both long’d extremely to be sung in Spanish.

However, he did pretty well, and was Admitted as an aspirant to all The coteries, and, as in Banquo’s glass, At great assemblies or in parties small, He saw ten thousand living authors pass, That being about their average numeral; Also the eighty ‘greatest living poets,’ As every paltry magazine can show its.

In twice five years the ‘greatest living poet,’ Like to the champion in the fisty ring, Is call’d on to support his claim, or show it, Although ’tis an imaginary thing. Even I—albeit I’m sure I did not know it, Nor sought of foolscap subjects to be king— Was reckon’d a considerable time, The grand Napoleon of the realms of rhyme.

But Juan was my Moscow, and Faliero My Leipsic, and my Mount Saint Jean seems Cain: ‘La Belle Alliance’ of dunces down at zero, Now that the Lion ’s fall’n, may rise again: But I will fall at least as fell my hero; Nor reign at all, or as a monarch reign; Or to some lonely isle of gaolers go, With turncoat Southey for my turnkey Lowe.

Sir Walter reign’d before me; Moore and Campbell Before and after; but now grown more holy, The Muses upon Sion’s hill must ramble With poets almost clergymen, or wholly; And Pegasus hath a psalmodic amble Beneath the very Reverend Rowley Powley, Who shoes the glorious animal with stilts, A modern Ancient Pistol—by the hilts?

Then there’s my gentle Euphues, who, they say, Sets up for being a sort of moral me; He’ll find it rather difficult some day To turn out both, or either, it may be. Some persons think that Coleridge hath the sway; And Wordsworth has supporters, two or three; And that deep-mouth’d Boeotian ‘Savage Landor’ Has taken for a swan rogue Southey’s gander.

John Keats, who was kill’d off by one critique, Just as he really promised something great, If not intelligible, without Greek Contrived to talk about the gods of late, Much as they might have been supposed to speak. Poor fellow! His was an untoward fate; ’Tis strange the mind, that very fiery particle, Should let itself be snuff’d out by an article.

The list grows long of live and dead pretenders To that which none will gain—or none will know The conqueror at least; who, ere Time renders His last award, will have the long grass grow Above his burnt-out brain, and sapless cinders. If I might augur, I should rate but low Their chances; they’re too numerous, like the thirty Mock tyrants, when Rome’s annals wax’d but dirty.

This is the literary lower empire, Where the praetorian bands take up the matter;— A ‘dreadful trade,’ like his who ‘gathers samphire,’ The insolent soldiery to soothe and flatter, With the same feelings as you’d coax a vampire. Now, were I once at home, and in good satire, I’d try conclusions with those Janizaries, And show them what an intellectual war is.

I think I know a trick or two, would turn Their flanks;—but it is hardly worth my while With such small gear to give myself concern: Indeed I’ve not the necessary bile; My natural temper ’s really aught but stern, And even my Muse’s worst reproof ’s a smile; And then she drops a brief and modern curtsy, And glides away, assured she never hurts ye.

My Juan, whom I left in deadly peril Amongst live poets and blue ladies, past With some small profit through that field so sterile, Being tired in time, and, neither least nor last, Left it before he had been treated very ill; And henceforth found himself more gaily class’d Amongst the higher spirits of the day, The sun’s true son, no vapour, but a ray.

His morns he pass’d in business—which, dissected, Was like all business a laborious nothing That leads to lassitude, the most infected And Centaur Nessus garb of mortal clothing, And on our sofas makes us lie dejected, And talk in tender horrors of our loathing All kinds of toil, save for our country’s good— Which grows no better, though ’tis time it should.

His afternoons he pass’d in visits, luncheons, Lounging and boxing; and the twilight hour In riding round those vegetable puncheons Call’d ‘Parks,’ where there is neither fruit nor flower Enough to gratify a bee’s slight munchings; But after all it is the only ‘bower’ (In Moore’s phrase), where the fashionable fair Can form a slight acquaintance with fresh air.

Then dress, then dinner, then awakes the world! Then glare the lamps, then whirl the wheels, then roar Through street and square fast flashing chariots hurl’d Like harness’d meteors; then along the floor Chalk mimics painting; then festoons are twirl’d; Then roll the brazen thunders of the door, Which opens to the thousand happy few An earthly paradise of ‘Or Molu.’

There stands the noble hostess, nor shall sink With the three-thousandth curtsy; there the waltz, The only dance which teaches girls to think, Makes one in love even with its very faults. Saloon, room, hall, o’erflow beyond their brink, And long the latest of arrivals halts, ’Midst royal dukes and dames condemn’d to climb, And gain an inch of staircase at a time.

Thrice happy he who, after a survey Of the good company, can win a corner, A door that’s in or boudoir out of the way, Where he may fix himself like small ‘Jack Horner,’ And let the Babel round run as it may, And look on as a mourner, or a scorner, Or an approver, or a mere spectator, Yawning a little as the night grows later.

But this won’t do, save by and by; and he Who, like Don Juan, takes an active share, Must steer with care through all that glittering sea Of gems and plumes and pearls and silks, to where He deems it is his proper place to be; Dissolving in the waltz to some soft air, Or proudlier prancing with mercurial skill Where Science marshals forth her own quadrille.

Or, if he dance not, but hath higher views Upon an heiress or his neighbour’s bride, Let him take care that that which he pursues Is not at once too palpably descried. Full many an eager gentleman oft rues His haste: impatience is a blundering guide, Amongst a people famous for reflection, Who like to play the fool with circumspection.

But, if you can contrive, get next at supper; Or, if forestalled, get opposite and ogle:— O, ye ambrosial moments! always upper In mind, a sort of sentimental bogle, Which sits for ever upon memory’s crupper, The ghost of vanish’d pleasures once in vogue! Ill Can tender souls relate the rise and fall Of hopes and fears which shake a single ball.

But these precautionary hints can touch Only the common run, who must pursue, And watch, and ward; whose plans a word too much Or little overturns; and not the few Or many (for the number’s sometimes such) Whom a good mien, especially if new, Or fame, or name, for wit, war, sense, or nonsense, Permits whate’er they please, or did not long since.

Our hero, as a hero, young and handsome, Noble, rich, celebrated, and a stranger, Like other slaves of course must pay his ransom, Before he can escape from so much danger As will environ a conspicuous man. Some Talk about poetry, and ‘rack and manger,’ And ugliness, disease, as toil and trouble;— I wish they knew the life of a young noble.

They are young, but know not youth—it is anticipated; Handsome but wasted, rich without a sou; Their vigour in a thousand arms is dissipated; Their cash comes from, their wealth goes to a Jew; Both senates see their nightly votes participated Between the tyrant’s and the tribunes’ crew; And having voted, dined, drunk, gamed, and whored, The family vault receives another lord.

‘Where is the world?’ cries Young, at eighty—‘Where The world in which a man was born? ‘Alas! Where is the world of eight years past? ’Twas there— I look for it—’tis gone, a globe of glass! Crack’d, shiver’d, vanish’d, scarcely gazed on, ere A silent change dissolves the glittering mass. Statesmen, chiefs, orators, queens, patriots, kings, And dandies, all are gone on the wind’s wings.