Chapter 23

Where is Napoleon the Grand? God knows. Where little Castlereagh? The devil can tell: Where Grattan, Curran, Sheridan, all those Who bound the bar or senate in their spell? Where is the unhappy Queen, with all her woes? And where the Daughter, whom the Isles loved well? Where are those martyr’d saints the Five per Cents? And where—oh, where the devil are the rents?

Where’s Brummel? Dish’d. Where’s Long Pole Wellesley? Diddled. Where’s Whitbread? Romilly? Where’s George the Third? Where is his will? (That ’s not so soon unriddled.) And where is ‘Fum’ the Fourth, our ‘royal bird?’ Gone down, it seems, to Scotland to be fiddled Unto by Sawney’s violin, we have heard: ‘Caw me, caw thee’—for six months hath been hatching This scene of royal itch and loyal scratching.

Where is Lord This? And where my Lady That? The Honourable Mistresses and Misses? Some laid aside like an old Opera hat, Married, unmarried, and remarried (this is An evolution oft performed of late). Where are the Dublin shouts—and London hisses? Where are the Grenvilles? Turn’d as usual. Where My friends the Whigs? Exactly where they were.

Where are the Lady Carolines and Franceses? Divorced or doing thereanent. Ye annals So brilliant, where the list of routs and dances is,— Thou Morning Post, sole record of the panels Broken in carriages, and all the phantasies Of fashion,—say what streams now fill those channels? Some die, some fly, some languish on the Continent, Because the times have hardly left them one tenant.

Some who once set their caps at cautious dukes, Have taken up at length with younger brothers: Some heiresses have bit at sharpers’ hooks: Some maids have been made wives, some merely mothers; Others have lost their fresh and fairy looks: In short, the list of alterations bothers. There’s little strange in this, but something strange is The unusual quickness of these common changes.

Talk not of seventy years as age; in seven I have seen more changes, down from monarchs to The humblest individual under heaven, Than might suffice a moderate century through. I knew that nought was lasting, but now even Change grows too changeable, without being new: Nought ’s permanent among the human race, Except the Whigs not getting into place.

I have seen Napoleon, who seem’d quite a Jupiter, Shrink to a Saturn. I have seen a Duke (No matter which) turn politician stupider, If that can well be, than his wooden look. But it is time that I should hoist my ‘blue Peter,’ And sail for a new theme:—I have seen—and shook To see it—the king hiss’d, and then caress’d; But don’t pretend to settle which was best.

I have seen the Landholders without a rap— I have seen Joanna Southcote—I have seen— The House of Commons turn’d to a tax-trap— I have seen that sad affair of the late Queen— I have seen crowns worn instead of a fool’s cap— I have seen a Congress doing all that ’s mean— I have seen some nations like o’erloaded asses Kick off their burthens, meaning the high classes.

I have seen small poets, and great prosers, and Interminable—not eternal—speakers— I have seen the funds at war with house and land— I have seen the country gentlemen turn squeakers— I have seen the people ridden o’er like sand By slaves on horseback—I have seen malt liquors Exchanged for ‘thin potations’ by John Bull— I have seen John half detect himself a fool.—

But ‘carpe diem,’ Juan, ‘carpe, carpe!’ To-morrow sees another race as gay And transient, and devour’d by the same harpy. ‘Life ’s a poor player,’—then ‘play out the play, Ye villains!’ above all keep a sharp eye Much less on what you do than what you say: Be hypocritical, be cautious, be Not what you seem, but always what you see.

But how shall I relate in other cantos Of what befell our hero in the land, Which ’tis the common cry and lie to vaunt as A moral country? But I hold my hand— For I disdain to write an Atalantis; But ’tis as well at once to understand, You are not a moral people, and you know it Without the aid of too sincere a poet.

What Juan saw and underwent shall be My topic, with of course the due restriction Which is required by proper courtesy; And recollect the work is only fiction, And that I sing of neither mine nor me, Though every scribe, in some slight turn of diction, Will hint allusions never meant. Ne’er doubt This—when I speak, I don’t hint, but speak out.

Whether he married with the third or fourth Offspring of some sage husband-hunting countess, Or whether with some virgin of more worth (I mean in Fortune’s matrimonial bounties) He took to regularly peopling Earth, Of which your lawful awful wedlock fount is,— Or whether he was taken in for damages, For being too excursive in his homages,—

Is yet within the unread events of time. Thus far, go forth, thou lay, which I will back Against the same given quantity of rhyme, For being as much the subject of attack As ever yet was any work sublime, By those who love to say that white is black. So much the better!—I may stand alone, But would not change my free thoughts for a throne.

CANTO THE TWELFTH.

Of all the barbarous middle ages, that Which is most barbarous is the middle age Of man; it is—I really scarce know what; But when we hover between fool and sage, And don’t know justly what we would be at— A period something like a printed page, Black letter upon foolscap, while our hair Grows grizzled, and we are not what we were;—

Too old for youth,—too young, at thirty-five, To herd with boys, or hoard with good threescore,— I wonder people should be left alive; But since they are, that epoch is a bore: Love lingers still, although ’twere late to wive; And as for other love, the illusion ’s o’er; And money, that most pure imagination, Gleams only through the dawn of its creation.

O Gold! Why call we misers miserable? Theirs is the pleasure that can never pall; Theirs is the best bower anchor, the chain cable Which holds fast other pleasures great and small. Ye who but see the saving man at table, And scorn his temperate board, as none at all, And wonder how the wealthy can be sparing, Know not what visions spring from each cheese-paring.

Love or lust makes man sick, and wine much sicker; Ambition rends, and gaming gains a loss; But making money, slowly first, then quicker, And adding still a little through each cross (Which will come over things), beats love or liquor, The gamester’s counter, or the statesman’s dross. O Gold! I still prefer thee unto paper, Which makes bank credit like a bank of vapour.

Who hold the balance of the world? Who reign O’er congress, whether royalist or liberal? Who rouse the shirtless patriots of Spain? (That make old Europe’s journals squeak and gibber all.) Who keep the world, both old and new, in pain Or pleasure? Who make politics run glibber all? The shade of Buonaparte’s noble daring?— Jew Rothschild, and his fellow-Christian, Baring.

Those, and the truly liberal Lafitte, Are the true lords of Europe. Every loan Is not a merely speculative hit, But seats a nation or upsets a throne. Republics also get involved a bit; Columbia’s stock hath holders not unknown On ’Change; and even thy silver soil, Peru, Must get itself discounted by a Jew.

Why call the miser miserable? as I said before: the frugal life is his, Which in a saint or cynic ever was The theme of praise: a hermit would not miss Canonization for the self-same cause, And wherefore blame gaunt wealth’s austerities? Because, you’ll say, nought calls for such a trial;— Then there’s more merit in his self-denial.

He is your only poet;—passion, pure And sparkling on from heap to heap, displays, Possess’d, the ore, of which mere hopes allure Nations athwart the deep: the golden rays Flash up in ingots from the mine obscure; On him the diamond pours its brilliant blaze, While the mild emerald’s beam shades down the dies Of other stones, to soothe the miser’s eyes.

The lands on either side are his; the ship From Ceylon, Inde, or far Cathay, unloads For him the fragrant produce of each trip; Beneath his cars of Ceres groan the roads, And the vine blushes like Aurora’s lip; His very cellars might be kings’ abodes; While he, despising every sensual call, Commands—the intellectual lord of all.

Perhaps he hath great projects in his mind, To build a college, or to found a race, A hospital, a church,—and leave behind Some dome surmounted by his meagre face: Perhaps he fain would liberate mankind Even with the very ore which makes them base; Perhaps he would be wealthiest of his nation, Or revel in the joys of calculation.

But whether all, or each, or none of these May be the hoarder’s principle of action, The fool will call such mania a disease:— What is his own? Go—look at each transaction, Wars, revels, loves—do these bring men more ease Than the mere plodding through each ‘vulgar fraction’? Or do they benefit mankind? Lean miser! Let spendthrifts’ heirs enquire of yours—who ’s wiser?

How beauteous are rouleaus! how charming chests Containing ingots, bags of dollars, coins (Not of old victors, all whose heads and crests Weigh not the thin ore where their visage shines, But) of fine unclipt gold, where dully rests Some likeness, which the glittering cirque confines, Of modern, reigning, sterling, stupid stamp:— Yes! ready money is Aladdin’s lamp.

‘Love rules the camp, the court, the grove,’—‘for love Is heaven, and heaven is love:’—so sings the bard; Which it were rather difficult to prove (A thing with poetry in general hard). Perhaps there may be something in ‘the grove,’ At least it rhymes to ‘love;’ but I’m prepared To doubt (no less than landlords of their rental) If ‘courts’ and ‘camps’ be quite so sentimental.

But if Love don’t, Cash does, and Cash alone: Cash rules the grove, and fells it too besides; Without cash, camps were thin, and courts were none; Without cash, Malthus tells you—‘take no brides.’ So Cash rules Love the ruler, on his own High ground, as virgin Cynthia sways the tides: And as for ‘Heaven being Love,’ why not say honey Is wax? Heaven is not Love, ’tis Matrimony.

Is not all love prohibited whatever, Excepting marriage? which is love, no doubt, After a sort; but somehow people never With the same thought the two words have help’d out: Love may exist with marriage, and should ever, And marriage also may exist without; But love sans bans is both a sin and shame, And ought to go by quite another name.

Now if the ‘court,’ and ‘camp,’ and ‘grove,’ be not Recruited all with constant married men, Who never coveted their neighbour’s lot, I say that line ’s a lapsus of the pen;— Strange too in my ‘buon camerado’ Scott, So celebrated for his morals, when My Jeffrey held him up as an example To me;—of whom these morals are a sample.

Well, if I don’t succeed, I have succeeded, And that ’s enough; succeeded in my youth, The only time when much success is needed: And my success produced what I, in sooth, Cared most about; it need not now be pleaded— Whate’er it was, ’twas mine; I’ve paid, in truth, Of late the penalty of such success, But have not learn’d to wish it any less.

That suit in Chancery,—which some persons plead In an appeal to the unborn, whom they, In the faith of their procreative creed, Baptize posterity, or future clay,— To me seems but a dubious kind of reed To lean on for support in any way; Since odds are that posterity will know No more of them, than they of her, I trow.

Why, I’m posterity—and so are you; And whom do we remember? Not a hundred. Were every memory written down all true, The tenth or twentieth name would be but blunder’d; Even Plutarch’s Lives have but pick’d out a few, And ’gainst those few your annalists have thunder’d; And Mitford in the nineteenth century Gives, with Greek truth, the good old Greek the lie.

Good people all, of every degree, Ye gentle readers and ungentle writers, In this twelfth Canto ’tis my wish to be As serious as if I had for inditers Malthus and Wilberforce:—the last set free The Negroes and is worth a million fighters; While Wellington has but enslaved the Whites, And Malthus does the thing ’gainst which he writes.

I’m serious—so are all men upon paper; And why should I not form my speculation, And hold up to the sun my little taper? Mankind just now seem wrapt in mediation On constitutions and steam-boats of vapour; While sages write against all procreation, Unless a man can calculate his means Of feeding brats the moment his wife weans.

That ’s noble! That ’s romantic! For my part, I think that ‘Philo-genitiveness’ is (Now here’s a word quite after my own heart, Though there’s a shorter a good deal than this, If that politeness set it not apart; But I’m resolved to say nought that ’s amiss)— I say, methinks that ‘Philo-genitiveness’ Might meet from men a little more forgiveness.

And now to business.—O my gentle Juan, Thou art in London—in that pleasant place, Where every kind of mischief ’s daily brewing, Which can await warm youth in its wild race. ’Tis true, that thy career is not a new one; Thou art no novice in the headlong chase Of early life; but this is a new land, Which foreigners can never understand.

What with a small diversity of climate, Of hot or cold, mercurial or sedate, I could send forth my mandate like a primate Upon the rest of Europe’s social state; But thou art the most difficult to rhyme at, Great Britain, which the Muse may penetrate. All countries have their ‘Lions,’ but in thee There is but one superb menagerie.

But I am sick of politics. Begin, ‘Paulo Majora.’ Juan, undecided Amongst the paths of being ‘taken in,’ Above the ice had like a skater glided: When tired of play, he flirted without sin With some of those fair creatures who have prided Themselves on innocent tantalisation, And hate all vice except its reputation.

But these are few, and in the end they make Some devilish escapade or stir, which shows That even the purest people may mistake Their way through virtue’s primrose paths of snows; And then men stare, as if a new ass spake To Balaam, and from tongue to ear o’erflows Quicksilver small talk, ending (if you note it) With the kind world’s amen—‘Who would have thought it?’

The little Leila, with her orient eyes, And taciturn Asiatic disposition (Which saw all western things with small surprise, To the surprise of people of condition, Who think that novelties are butterflies To be pursued as food for inanition), Her charming figure and romantic history Became a kind of fashionable mystery.

The women much divided—as is usual Amongst the sex in little things or great. Think not, fair creatures, that I mean to abuse you all— I have always liked you better than I state: Since I’ve grown moral, still I must accuse you all Of being apt to talk at a great rate; And now there was a general sensation Amongst you, about Leila’s education.

In one point only were you settled—and You had reason; ’twas that a young child of grace, As beautiful as her own native land, And far away, the last bud of her race, Howe’er our friend Don Juan might command Himself for five, four, three, or two years’ space, Would be much better taught beneath the eye Of peeresses whose follies had run dry.

So first there was a generous emulation, And then there was a general competition, To undertake the orphan’s education. As Juan was a person of condition, It had been an affront on this occasion To talk of a subscription or petition; But sixteen dowagers, ten unwed she sages, Whose tale belongs to ‘Hallam’s Middle Ages,’

And one or two sad, separate wives, without A fruit to bloom upon their withering bough— Begg’d to bring up the little girl and ‘out,’— For that ’s the phrase that settles all things now, Meaning a virgin’s first blush at a rout, And all her points as thorough-bred to show: And I assure you, that like virgin honey Tastes their first season (mostly if they have money).

How all the needy honourable misters, Each out-at-elbow peer, or desperate dandy, The watchful mothers, and the careful sisters (Who, by the by, when clever, are more handy At making matches, where ‘’tis gold that glisters,’ Than their he relatives), like flies o’er candy Buzz round ‘the Fortune’ with their busy battery, To turn her head with waltzing and with flattery!

Each aunt, each cousin, hath her speculation; Nay, married dames will now and then discover Such pure disinterestedness of passion, I’ve known them court an heiress for their lover. ‘Tantaene!’ Such the virtues of high station, Even in the hopeful Isle, whose outlet ’s ‘Dover!’ While the poor rich wretch, object of these cares, Has cause to wish her sire had had male heirs.

Some are soon bagg’d, and some reject three dozen. ’Tis fine to see them scattering refusals And wild dismay o’er every angry cousin (Friends of the party), who begin accusals, Such as—‘Unless Miss (Blank) meant to have chosen Poor Frederick, why did she accord perusals To his billets? Why waltz with him? Why, I pray, Look yes last night, and yet say no to-day?

‘Why?—Why?—Besides, Fred really was attach’d; ’Twas not her fortune—he has enough without: The time will come she’ll wish that she had snatch’d So good an opportunity, no doubt:— But the old marchioness some plan had hatch’d, As I’ll tell Aurea at to-morrow’s rout: And after all poor Frederick may do better— Pray did you see her answer to his letter?’

Smart uniforms and sparkling coronets Are spurn’d in turn, until her turn arrives, After male loss of time, and hearts, and bets Upon the sweepstakes for substantial wives; And when at last the pretty creature gets Some gentleman, who fights, or writes, or drives, It soothes the awkward squad of the rejected To find how very badly she selected.

For sometimes they accept some long pursuer, Worn out with importunity; or fall (But here perhaps the instances are fewer) To the lot of him who scarce pursued at all. A hazy widower turn’d of forty ’s sure (If ’tis not vain examples to recall) To draw a high prize: now, howe’er he got her, I See nought more strange in this than t’ other lottery.

I, for my part (one ‘modern instance’ more, ‘True, ’tis a pity—pity ’tis, ’tis true’), Was chosen from out an amatory score, Albeit my years were less discreet than few; But though I also had reform’d before Those became one who soon were to be two, I’ll not gainsay the generous public’s voice, That the young lady made a monstrous choice.

O, pardon my digression—or at least Peruse! ’Tis always with a moral end That I dissert, like grace before a feast: For like an aged aunt, or tiresome friend, A rigid guardian, or a zealous priest, My Muse by exhortation means to mend All people, at all times, and in most places, Which puts my Pegasus to these grave paces.

But now I’m going to be immoral; now I mean to show things really as they are, Not as they ought to be: for I avow, That till we see what ’s what in fact, we’re far From much improvement with that virtuous plough Which skims the surface, leaving scarce a scar Upon the black loam long manured by Vice, Only to keep its corn at the old price.

But first of little Leila we’ll dispose; For like a day-dawn she was young and pure, Or like the old comparison of snows, Which are more pure than pleasant to be sure. Like many people everybody knows, Don Juan was delighted to secure A goodly guardian for his infant charge, Who might not profit much by being at large.

Besides, he had found out he was no tutor (I wish that others would find out the same); And rather wish’d in such things to stand neuter, For silly wards will bring their guardians blame: So when he saw each ancient dame a suitor To make his little wild Asiatic tame, Consulting ‘the Society for Vice Suppression,’ Lady Pinchbeck was his choice.

Olden she was—but had been very young; Virtuous she was—and had been, I believe; Although the world has such an evil tongue That—but my chaster ear will not receive An echo of a syllable that ’s wrong: In fact, there’s nothing makes me so much grieve, As that abominable tittle-tattle, Which is the cud eschew’d by human cattle.

Moreover I’ve remark’d (and I was once A slight observer in a modest way), And so may every one except a dunce, That ladies in their youth a little gay, Besides their knowledge of the world, and sense Of the sad consequence of going astray, Are wiser in their warnings ’gainst the woe Which the mere passionless can never know.

While the harsh prude indemnifies her virtue By railing at the unknown and envied passion, Seeking far less to save you than to hurt you, Or, what ’s still worse, to put you out of fashion,— The kinder veteran with calm words will court you, Entreating you to pause before you dash on; Expounding and illustrating the riddle Of epic Love’s beginning, end, and middle.

Now whether it be thus, or that they are stricter, As better knowing why they should be so, I think you’ll find from many a family picture, That daughters of such mothers as may know The world by experience rather than by lecture, Turn out much better for the Smithfield Show Of vestals brought into the marriage mart, Than those bred up by prudes without a heart.

I said that Lady Pinchbeck had been talk’d about— As who has not, if female, young, and pretty? But now no more the ghost of Scandal stalk’d about; She merely was deem’d amiable and witty, And several of her best bon-mots were hawk’d about: Then she was given to charity and pity, And pass’d (at least the latter years of life) For being a most exemplary wife.

High in high circles, gentle in her own, She was the mild reprover of the young, Whenever—which means every day—they’d shown An awkward inclination to go wrong. The quantity of good she did ’s unknown, Or at the least would lengthen out my song: In brief, the little orphan of the East Had raised an interest in her, which increased.

Juan, too, was a sort of favourite with her, Because she thought him a good heart at bottom, A little spoil’d, but not so altogether; Which was a wonder, if you think who got him, And how he had been toss’d, he scarce knew whither: Though this might ruin others, it did not him, At least entirely—for he had seen too many Changes in youth, to be surprised at any.

And these vicissitudes tell best in youth; For when they happen at a riper age, People are apt to blame the Fates, forsooth, And wonder Providence is not more sage. Adversity is the first path to truth: He who hath proved war, storm, or woman’s rage, Whether his winters be eighteen or eighty, Hath won the experience which is deem’d so weighty.

How far it profits is another matter.— Our hero gladly saw his little charge Safe with a lady, whose last grown-up daughter Being long married, and thus set at large, Had left all the accomplishments she taught her To be transmitted, like the Lord Mayor’s barge, To the next comer; or—as it will tell More Muse-like—like to Cytherea’s shell.

I call such things transmission; for there is A floating balance of accomplishment Which forms a pedigree from Miss to Miss, According as their minds or backs are bent. Some waltz; some draw; some fathom the abyss Of metaphysics; others are content With music; the most moderate shine as wits; While others have a genius turn’d for fits.