Part 4

Hashish Kid—“This is a grand town. Just imagine a quart of hooch at 50 cents a bottle.”

Thirsty Stranger—“S’sh! Where can I get it?”

“I don’t know.” I said, “just imagine it.”

* * * * *

A Hobo’s Lament

I said: Good man, can you help me, I’m a millionaire dead broke; But the poor old man was deaf and dumb, I could tell by the way he spoke.

* * * * *

Officer—“Why didn’t you salute? Don’t you know I’m a captain?”

Buck Private—“That’s a darn good job. Hang on to it.”

* * * * *

“Late house tonight, my love,” she’ll say, “Midnight or later maybe, If I’m not home till break of day, You stand to with the baby.”

* * * * *

I have a wife and I have a flivver. My license to run the flivver is o. k., but my license to run my wife absolutely is the bunk.

* * * * *

Feminine Intuition

Speaking of women having more sense than men, did you ever notice that when the baby gets big enough to walk father wants to give away the baby carriage, but mother puts it in the garret?

* * * * *

Filipino Style

At the Quaint Shop in Sterling, Ill., one can buy bead necklaces, “so beautiful,” as the shop quaintly puts it, “that every woman will want a string to wear if she hasn’t anything else.”

* * * * *

A new idea is like an egg—the responsible party simply can’t help talking about it.

_Our Rural Mail Bag_

=Dear Captain Billy:= I heartily agree with you in the belief that man is a strange wild beast, and when he gets what he wanted, he wonders why he wanted it. That’s why I’m on my way to Hot Springs, singing the rheumatic blues.—=Sunset Slim.=

* * * * *

=Aromatic Army Cook=—Yes, I understand that the troop of Boston soldiers you mention moved to Seattle so that they could live on the Sound.

* * * * *

=Blonde Beauty=—I do not know what you mean by the expression “He has a Siberian dash board” unless it’s whiskers. Pay no attention to smooth French talk. He’s bulling you.

* * * * *

=Abe Goldberg=—No, I wouldn’t advise you to locate your undertaking establishment in O’Rourke park, Butte, Mont. You might as well sing “Wearin’ o’ the Green” in Piccadilly Circus, if that’s all the value you attach to your life.

* * * * *

=A. L. Tioga=—Sorry we can’t use your story about the barrel of apples and the sack of nuts by which the family rat was caught.

* * * * *

=Sweet Dottie=—You say you do some awful things sometimes, but that then it’s only to keep warm. If that’s your only reason, you had better postpone your “new leaf” turning until summer.

* * * * *

=Bringemin Young=—We’ve heard your story before about the stenographer who got $25 a week and half her board.

* * * * *

=Bobby=—I have heard that it goes good in cider.

* * * * *

=Miss Construe=—You say you miss your husband so often. Do you mean when you throw things at him?

* * * * *

Mamma’s in the kitchen, Singing “Alcoholic Blues,” Father’s in the cellar, Drinking Alcoholic Booze.

* * * * *

The Cemetery Blues

The graveyard is a mean old place—they lay you on your back and shovel dirt in your face.

* * * * *

Blissful Ignorance

Co-ed—I want something to wear around the dormitory.

Salesgirl—How large is your dormitory?

* * * * *

Whistling to Hades

Two girls from the city were spending their vacation in a small town in the middle west, and at the house where they were stopping was a devout old man who believed that the blue Sunday laws should go into effect full blast. It so happened that the girls were in the parlor one Sunday morning, playing the popular airs, when the devout sir entered and said: “Do you know this is Sunday?”

“Sure, what’s the big idea?”

“Do you know the ten commandments?”

“Well, if you whistle the first two or three bars I might get them.”

* * * * *

It isn’t the things we’ve won and possessed that fill the coffers of life to overflowing. It’s the things we’ve lost, the things that make for sweet memories. That’s the sum and substance of life that endures—memories and their lessons.

* * * * *

This is March, the month when the wind is tempered either to the lion or to the shorn lamb, and soon the grass will be green and the wind will be tempered for the silk-clad calf. Oh, boys, I’ll say we can anticipate!

* * * * *

When the ball bearings of the new association of nations get rolling smoothly, we understand that Jerusalem will be given to the Jews, Ireland to the Irish, Iceland to the icemen and New York City to the United States.

* * * * *

A Church Scandal

The little man approached a saleswoman and sputtered:

“Y-you got me into a pickle, you did.”

“I don’t understand,” the girl replied, timidly.

“You remember when I came in here to pick out a silk dress for my wife, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“And you remember we asked the assistance of the lady who was buying a kiltie skirt for her little girl?”

“Yes—yes.”

“W-w-well, you got the parcels mixed, that’s what you did, and I took that little kiltie skirt home to my wife.”

“I’m awfully sorry, sir, but, of course we can put that right.”

“How?”

“I can change the skirt.”

“I know you can, but that isn’t the trouble. My wife opened the parcel while I was away, thought it was the latest style, and wore the wretched thing to church on Sunday.”

* * * * *

Smith Family Accounted For

A Chicago school girl, in her history examination, answered that Jamestown, Virginia, was settled in 1607 and there were 120 deaths and 72 births the first year, “due to the efforts of Capt. John Smith.”

* * * * *

Hubby for Her

A lady heard that her two sons were in the habit each at separate times and quite unknown to each other, of taking one of the maids “out for a lark.” Fearing to bring down on their devoted heads the wrath of their father by making a bother about it, she asked them quietly if it were true, but could obtain no satisfactory reply.

It occurred to her that by a little strategy she might get the truth from one of the girls, so she said in a jocular manner, “Now, Mary, I want you to answer me candidly. Which of my two sons do you like going out with best—George or William?”

“Well, ma’am,” replied the maid, reassured by the lady’s manner, “if you must know, of the two I like George the best; but for a downright good spree, give me the master every time.”

* * * * *

Can’t, I’m Hitched Now

By Tad.

If you don’t feel just right, If you can’t sleep at night, If you moan and sigh, If your throat is dry, If you can’t smoke or drink, If your grub tastes like ink, If your heart doesn’t beat, If you’ve got bad cold feet, If your head’s in a whirl, Why not marry the girl?

* * * * *

You’re not the only pebble on the beach. There’s a Little Rock in Arkansas.

* * * * *

Lingo of the Lingerie

She was a fair-haired, fluffy little thing, who had taken a position as saleswoman in a department store. A few days later she met a boy friend and both stopped to have a little chat.

“How do you like your job?” inquired the boy friend.

“Oh, I like it very much,” said the fluffy one. “Only, they shift me about too much. At twelve o’clock I’m in hats, at three I’m in dresses, at four I’m in lingerie, at six I’m in stockings, and—”

“I’ll look you up tomorrow at eight,” said he.

* * * * *

Evolution of a Flea

“The evolution theory,” said the professor, “is that we all came from monkeys.”

“That’s wrong,” said the flea, biting him on his bald head, “I came from a dog.”

* * * * *

Only at Night

“He does it when no one’s about, just as we’re going to bed,” explained a Kingston wife, applying for separation against her husband, who, she asserted, was always tearing up her clothes, etc.

* * * * *

Only eight months to wait for the second October Whiz Bang annual.

* * * * *

Real photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls.

Just the thing for your den.

Size 3½ × 5½.

Positively the best on the market.

Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00.

Send money order or stamps.

Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included.

Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms._

* * * * *

Genuine Photographs

We are headquarters for photographs and pictures of all kinds, offering the most complete line in the country.

1 Catalogue “A” illustrating 500 nude, semi-nude and bathing girl subjects, by prepaid express, for $1.00; 6 for $5.00

1 Catalogue “B” illustrating 400 film star and bathing girl subjects, by mail, prepaid, for 25c; 5 for 1.00

1 Catalogue “W” illustrating more than 1,200 pictures, mottoes, etc., a part as follows: Turner Prints 14, Petty Pictures 51, Grafton Proofs 29, Congress Prints 26, Famous Mottoes 142, Burlington Proofs 24, Religious Pictures 20, Genuine Mezzo Proofs 48, Genuine Mezzo Prints 112, Connoisseur Miniatures 12, and many others. Price, $1.00 per copy. Prepaid, six copies for 5.00

25 Art Nude photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike, for 2.00 50 Art Nude photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike, for 3.00 100 Art Nude and Semi-nude photographs, size 3½ × 5½, for 5.00

20 Bathing Girl Photos, size 3½ × 5½, all different, for 1.00 50 Bathing Girl Photos, size 3½ × 5½, all different, for 2.25 100 Bathing Girl Photos, size 3½ × 5½, all different, for 4.00 250 Bathing Girl Photos, size 3½ × 5½, all different, for 10.00 500 Bathing Girl Photos, size 3½ × 5½, all different, for 25.00

12 Hand Colored, Bathing Girl Photos, size 8 × 10, for 5.00 25 Hand Colored, Bathing Girl Photos, size 8 × 10, for 10.00 50 Hand Colored, Bathing Girl Photos, size 8 × 10, for 20.00 100 Bathing Girl Photos, black and white, size 8 × 10, for 30.00

12 Art Nudes, selected from our leading sellers, or any you may choose from our catalogue in any finish desired, at 10.00 25 Art Nudes, special selection, best sellers, size 11 × 14, mounted (a selection that we are sure will please) 12.50 100 Art Nudes, size 7 × 9, all different, assorted finishes 50.00

12 Movie Star Photographs, size 8 × 10, your choice, at 6.00 25 Movie Star Photographs, size 8 × 10, your choice, at 12.00 50 Movie Star Photographs, size 8 × 10, your choice, at 24.00 100 Movie Star Photographs, size 8 × 10, your choice, at 35.00 150 Movie Star Photographs, size 8 × 10, your choice, at 50.00

12 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, your choice, at 1.00 25 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, your choice, at 1.50 50 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, your choice, at 2.00 100 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, your choice, at 4.00

6 Komic Pictures, 11 × 14, mntd., “Make You Laugh Kind” 1.00 12 Komic Pictures, 11 × 14, mntd., “Make You Laugh Kind” 1.50 25 Komic Pictures, 11 × 14, mntd., “Make You Laugh Kind” 2.50

Art Nudes are shipped by express only. Remit by money order or bank draft. All orders shipped promptly.

The American Art Company Offering the Most Complete Line of Art Subjects in the World JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U. S. A.

* * * * *

_Everywhere!_

_WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 cents single copies; two-fifty a year._