ACT II.--SCENE I.

BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH.

_Bayes._ Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was done before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers something of the plot, I begin this play with a whisper.[11]

_Smith._ Umph! very new indeed.

_Bayes._ Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs.

_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN.

_Phys._ Sir, by your habit, I should guess you to be the Gentleman-usher of this sumptuous place.

_Ush._ And by your gait and fashion, I should almost suspect you rule the healths of both our noble kings, under the notion of Physician.

_Phys._ You hit my function right.

_Ush._ And you mine.

_Phys._ Then let's embrace.

_Ush._ Come.

_Phys._ Come.

_Johns._ Pray, sir, who are those so very civil persons?

_Bayes._ Why, sir, the gentleman-usher and physician of the two kings of Brentford.

_Johns._ But, pray then, how comes it to pass, that they know one another no better?

_Bayes._ Phoo! that's for the better carrying on of the plot.

_Johns._ Very well.

_Phys._ Sir, to conclude.

_Smith._ What, before he begins?

_Bayes._ No, sir, you must know they had been talking of this a pretty while without.

_Smith._ Where? in the tyring-room?

_Bayes._ Why, ay, sir. He's so dull! come, speak again.

_Phys._ Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than amply exacted the talents of a wary pilot; and all these threat'ning storms, which, like impregnate clouds, hover o'er our heads, will (when they once are grasped but by the eye of reason) melt into fruitful showers of blessings on the people.

_Bayes._ Pray mark that allegory. Is not that good?

_Johns._ Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable.

_Phys._ But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you then perhaps would find that---- [_Whispers._

_Bayes._ Now he whispers.

_Ush._ Alone do you say?

_Phys._ No, attended with the noble---- [_Whispers._

_Bayes._ Again.

_Ush._ Who, he in grey?

_Phys._ Yes, and at the head of---- [_Whispers._

_Bayes._ Pray mark.

_Ush._ Then, sir, most certain 'twill in time appear, These are the reasons that have mov'd him to't; First, he---- [_Whispers._

_Bayes._ Now the other whispers.

_Ush._ Secondly, they---- [_Whispers._

_Bayes._ At it still.

_Ush._ Thirdly, and lastly, both he and they---- [_Whispers._

_Bayes._ Now they both whisper. [_Exeunt whispering._ Now, gentlemen, pray tell me true, and without flattery, is not this a very odd beginning of a play?

_Johns._ In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two kings of the same place?

_Bayes._ Why, because it's new, and that's it I aim at. I despise your Jonson and Beaumont, that borrowed all they writ from nature: I am for fetching it purely out of my own fancy, I.

_Smith._ But what think you of Sir John Suckling?

_Bayes._ By gad, I am a better poet than he.

_Smith._ Well, sir, but pray why all this whispering?

_Bayes._ Why, sir (besides that it is new, as I told you before), because they are supposed to be politicians, and matters of state ought not to be divulg'd.

_Smith._ But then, sir, why----

_Bayes._ Sir, if you'll but respite your curiosity till the end of the fifth act, you'll find it a piece of patience not ill recompensed.

[_Goes to the door._

_Johns._ How dost thou like this, Frank? Is it not just as I told thee?

_Smith._ Why, I never did before this see anything in nature, and all that (as Mr. Bayes says) so foolish, but I could give some guess at what moved the fop to do it; but this, I confess, does go beyond my reach.

_Johns._ It is all alike; Mr. Wintershull[12] has informed me of this play already. And I'll tell thee, Frank, thou shalt not see one scene here worth one farthing, or like anything thou canst imagine has ever been the practice of the world. And then, when he comes to what he calls good language, it is, as I told thee, very fantastical, most abominably dull, and not one word to the purpose.

_Smith._ It does surprise me, I'm sure, very much.

_Johns._ Ay, but it won't do so long: by that time thou hast seen a play or two, that I'll show thee, thou wilt be pretty well acquainted with this new kind of foppery.

_Smith._ Plague on't, but there's no pleasure in him: he's too gross a fool to be laugh'd at.

_Enter_ BAYES.

_Johns._ I'll swear, Mr. Bayes, you have done this scene most admirably; tho' I must tell you, sir, it is a very difficult matter to pen a whisper well.

_Bayes._ Ay, gentlemen, when you come to write yourselves, on my word, you'll find it so.

_Johns._ Have a care of what you say, Mr. Bayes; for Mr. Smith there, I assure you, has written a great many fine things already.

_Bayes._ Has he, i'fackins? why then pray, sir, how do you do when you write?

_Smith._ Faith, sir, for the most part, I am in pretty good health.

_Bayes._ Ay, but I mean, what do you do when you write?

_Smith._ I take pen, ink, and paper, and sit down.

_Bayes._ Now I write standing; that's one thing; and then another thing is, with what do you prepare yourself?

_Smith._ Prepare myself! what the devil does the fool mean?

_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, now, what I do. If I am to write familiar things, as sonnets to Armida, and the like, I make use of stew'd prunes only: but, when I have a grand design in hand, I ever take physic, and let blood; for, when you would have pure swiftness of thought, and fiery flights of fancy, you must have a care of the pensive part. In fine, you must purge the stomach.

_Smith._ By my troth, sir, this is a most admirable receipt for writing.

_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis my secret; and, in good earnest, I think one of the best I have.

_Smith._ In good faith, sir, and that may very well be.

_Bayes._ May be, sir? Egad, I'm sure on't: _Experto crede Roberto._ But I must give you this caution by the way, be sure you never take snuff,[13] when you write.

_Smith._ Why so, sir?

_Bayes._ Why, it spoil'd me once, egad, one of the sparkishest plays in all England. But a friend of mine, at Gresham College, has promised to help me to some spirit of brains, and, egad, that shall do my business.