Part 7

_Beware the voriander, boy, With mouth that kisses and torments. She only loves you to enjoy Expensive foods at your expense._

_Beware the voriander, let Her scented notes unanswered be; She’s after just what she can get; And when you’re broke, she’ll let you be!_

=Whin´kle=, _n._ 1. Graciousness, with ulterior intent; a hypocritical politeness. 2. A glow of vanity.

=Whin´kle=, _v._ To appear over-cordial or suspiciously amiable; to act snobbishly.

Some beam with a merely personal vanity; they whinkle from sheer self-satisfaction. But when Jones saw me, he whinkled till I thought his front teeth would spill out of his face. Why? I was talking to a millionaire. (See _Eegot_.)

So the match-making Mamma whinkles at that desirable young man, who is calling upon Bessie.

So the book-agent whinkles as he shows you his samples; and the insurance agent, just before you kick him out.

Whinkles the floor-walker, like the girls at a seashore resort, beckoning the only nice young man; but the floor-walker whinkles not when you return a “thirty-six” waist for a “thirty-eight.” (See _Jurp_.)

The mother whinkles when you praise the baby, and the proud undertaker when he first displays the corpse.

Mark the whinkling landlady, showing the third floor front to the prospective lodger. “You’ll find it a very comfortable home here; everyone has always been happy here--very! Nice and sunny ... plenty of towels ... closet ... nice, soft bed--no bugs in _my_ house. Lovely bureau, plenty of room for all your things. I am _sure_ you couldn’t do better.”

How whinkles the pallid clerk at his employer’s jokes.

_When first my motor-car I bought, The salesman wagged his tail-- He whinkled till I almost thought He’d kiss me, for the sale._

_But when the poppet-valves were strained, And had to be repaired-- No whinkling then, when I complained;-- The salesman merely glared!_

=Wij´ji-cle=, _n._ A perverse or contradictory article of furniture; any household contrivance that is always out of order.

“You’ll find no wijjicles in _this_ house,” said the agent as he unlocked the front door. “It’s in perfect order.” And yet, before I had left I had found:

Eight window-screens that wouldn’t go up or down; loose boards in the dining-room and three on the stairs that squeaked; a leak in the roof, a smoky fireplace, three cupboard doors that wouldn’t shut, four closet doors that would swing open, and a long, phlegmatic bath-tub that it took three-quarters of an hour to fill, through its reluctant faucet. (See _Quisty_.)

But I must confess I brought in my own wijjicles, too. Reader, you know them well--

The folding camp-chairs that can’t be unfolded, the three-legged tables that tip over, the rocking-chairs that bite you on the shins in the dark and patent spring-rockers that squeak; the unoiled door, the mirrors with wavy glass, the bureau drawers that stick and the step-ladders that won’t stay open; the baby-carriages that are always in the way; plush furniture that sticks, and painted chairs that come off on your back; screen doors that bang, and rugs on slippery floors, the table that balances unsteadily.

But the worst of all, is the pencil with its lead broken far up inside the wood. (See _Moosoo_.)

_I bought a rubber fountain pen; “Non-leakable,” the clerk Assured me confidently, when He showed me how ’twould work._

_But now that wijjicle and I Into the bath-tub go When I must write my letters. Why? Well, things are safer, so!_

=Wog=, _n._ An attached foreign body, an unornament.

=Wog=, _v._ To daub fantastically; to decorate an unconscious victim.

=Wogged=, _p.p._ To have any intrinsic defect or visible superfluity.

=Wog´gy=, _a._ Unpleasantly adorned.

Have you ever seen the gentleman with the Niagara-Falls moustache? Pretty woggy, what? When beautiful Bessie drinks buttermilk and forgets her napkin, what can you say? Such things must not be told. Think of Bessie--with a wog! You must turn away your head and blush--or else Bessie must. Wogs embarrass. (See _Pooje_.)

But facial stalactites are not the only wogs, alas! Millicent’s hair is wogged--prithee catch the hairpin before it falls. As you pick a thread that wogs your wife’s grey gown, she discovers a blonde hair on your coat-collar, the most embarrassing of all wogs.

Pittsburgh wogs its women with spots of smut, black as court-plaster patches. You really ought to get a new dress suit, for yours is seven years old and wildly wogged with grease-spots--where you spilled the pink-and-green ice cream into your lap and where the Swedish waiter bathed your shoulders with cauliflower soup. There is a wog of ragged braid on the bottom of your torn skirt, a running wog in your silk stocking. (See _Splooch_.)

Don’t get wogged! (See _Zobzib_.)

_I never care for onion soup-- For onion soup, and hash, And scrambled eggs remind me of My uncle’s red moustache;_

_For that was what we had to eat When Uncle Silas, togged In Sunday raiment, came to dine, And got his whiskers wogged!_

=Wowze=, _n._ 1. A woman who is making a fool of herself and doesn’t know it. 2. Any ridiculous and undignified object. 3. A spectacular exhibition of unconscious humor.

=Wowze=, _v._ To act with a misguided belief in one’s charm; to cavort hopelessly.

Have you ever seen a painfully conscientious amateur tangoist counting her steps? “One-two-three--_hold_!” She’s a wowze! Have you ever been to church on Easter Sunday in the country? There are wowzes galore.

An elderly maiden being kittenish--a perfect wowze! An elderly aunt, talking baby-talk to her infant niece--the wowze pathetic. A female art-student--the wowze aesthetic.

A wowze is a female poem-reciter in a hot parlor; a fat woman in swimming; an overgrown girl in short skirts; an angry landlady; a miss in curl-papers. A shirt waist of plaid silk is a wowze, and a cook, learning to skate. (See _Frowk_.)

A literary lady, trying to look “artistic”--she’s a wowze and her gown is wowzier.

The wowze-social:--A woman who doesn’t like it, trying to smoke. (See _Ovotch_.)

_Miss Henderson was meek and mild, But, through her black silk veil, She drank a glass or two of milk-- (She had been drinking ale.)_

_Then, answering our wild applause, She rose with smiles and bows. She’d proved that she was clever, but She was a perfect wowse!_

=Wox=, _n._ A state of placid enjoyment; sluggish satisfaction.

=Wox´y=, _a._ Contented; ruminant; at peace with the world.

As the glutted anaconda, after swallowing a sheep alive, rests for a benign month or two underneath the tum-tum tree, thinking of home and mother, while the gross lump in his stomach gradually declines and lessens--so is the wox of the woman well and appropriately gowned, especially if that dress of hers has been successfully made over beyond all recognition.

Woxy is the broker, as stocks go up. Woxy is the fisherman, when the fish begin to bite. Woxy is the legatee, when the lawsuit is over and his inheritance is paid.

After your long tramp in the rain, after your bath and hot dinner, you sit by the open fire in a wox.

There is no joy but calm, say the Buddhists; it’s better to be woxy than excited with rapture. (See _Jujasm_.)

The author is in a wox; his story has been accepted. Woxy is the actor in a good hotel at last, after three weeks of one-night stands; when he pushes the bell, something delightful is sure to happen. There can be no wox, alas, without a previous annoyance. (See _Fud_.) But is not all the maddening bustle and trouble of moving worth--when you are finally settled and at ease, with every carpet down and every picture hung--the homelike, comfortable wox that follows?

_I ploughed my way through wind and storm To call on Fanny White; And in her parlor I was warm And woxy with delight._

_’Twas not because I loved her though-- For I was fairly foxy; I’d sold her Life Insurance, so That’s why I felt so woxy!_

=Wum´gush=, _n._ 1. An insincere affectation of cordiality; hypocritical compliments. 2. Women’s flattery of women; pretended friendship. 3. A feminine fib.

Do women criticise each other to their faces? Do they find fault with their chocolates, their looks, their clothes, their jests? No, not until the front door is closed; till then, they slobber wumgush. (See _Varm_.)

And yet, if one man offers another a cigarette, the tobacco may be called “rotten!” without peril or anger.

Men have small use for wumgush; their compliments are profane ridicule and simulated enmity.

A man calls his best friend a “damned fool”; a woman calls her worst enemy, “My dear!” (See _Alibosh_.)

How women must fear each other! They smooth their rival’s hair; lovingly, they readjust her jabot and pat her hands lingeringly.

“How well you’re looking, my dear!” ... and yards and yards of wumgush.

“Oh, I’ve had such a wonderful time! How charming of you to have asked me. Now, you _must_ come to see us.”--Wumgush. (See _Gubble_.)

Wumgush is the frothy foam of society chatter.

Wumgush is the sunshine through which fly the wasps of sarcasm. (See _Flooijab_.)

_The wumgush Clara spills on Lou, Whene’er they meet, and kiss, Would seem to prove a friendship true, But it amounts to this,--_

_“Your waist is soiled; and, oh, that hat! Trimmed it yourself, I know! You never ought to grin like that, It makes your crow’s feet show!”_

=Xen´o-gore=, _n._ 1. An interloper; one who is _de trop_, or keeps you from things or persons of greater interest. 2. A self-invited guest, who stays too long.

The xenogore is a person who doesn’t belong, but doesn’t know it. It is the shopper who paws over goods, and prevents customers from buying; an extra woman, who drops in when you want to play whist; or the creature who appears at dinner-time, when you have just enough for the family and no more; who invites himself into your motor-car, crowding you miserably. He annoys you when you are talking business, and spoils the sale.

Children in the room, when you are calling, are xenogores. (See _Kidloid_.)

Someone talking to you, when you want to listen to that interesting conversation opposite, is a xenogore.

A xenogore is likely to be anyone of your wife’s relations or friends; but it’s sure to be that girl you have to escort home, and don’t want to. (See _Uglet_.)

A girl who accompanies a couple in love is a xenogore. (See _Vorge_.)

_I longed to see her Paris gowns, And hear about my aunts, And all those queer cathedral towns-- She’d just returned from France._

_I’d scarcely welcomed her--before I’d told her she was thinner, There came a ring--a xenogore! Of course he stayed to dinner._

=Yab=, _n._ 1. A monomaniac or fanatic, interested in one thing. 2. A favorite topic of discussion, or conversation.

=Yab´by=, _a._ Talking continually on a single topic.

=Yabs=, _a._ Foolishly interested or absorbed.

People used to be yabs on religion, but you seldom see a gospel yab, now that Dowie has passed from sight. Still, there’s a pretty pronounced Christian Science yab on in idealistic circles. Business yabs, yes; but your wife won’t stand for it at the supper-table, unless your guest is a good, heavy buyer. (See _Eegot_.)

The musician lives in a yab-world of his own. He doesn’t understand ordinary English.

Some men are yabs over women, some have a horrible baseball yab that will last over way into February; but the worst of all is a yabby actor, telling you how good he is. (See _Leolump_.)

Polonius, had he lived, would have said to Hamlet, “Still yabs about my daughter!”

The White Slave yab is almost over and the Sex yab is mute in the magazines; the Bigyab is Tango with a capital Q.

The egoist is yabs about himself; the Englishman is yabby over sport, the Hebrew over money. Me, my yab is “Burgess Unabridged.” (See _Gloogo_.)

_Once a little girl in Phœnix Arizona wrote to me; She was yabs about eugenics, And was healthy as a flea._

_Put although my Jane was poorly, And was half the time in bed, I was yabs about her, surely, So I married her, instead._

=Yam´noy=, _n._ 1. A bulky, unmanageable object; an unwieldy or slippery parcel. 2. Something you don’t know how to carry.

=Yam´noy=, _v._ 1. To inflict with much luggage. 2. To carry many parcels at once.

Did you ever see a woman trying to move a Morris chair--or carry a rocker through a screen door? (See _Wijjicle_.) She is struggling with a yamnoy. She can carry a baby with ease and skill, but it’s a yamnoy to a bachelor.

The yamnoy is a sheet of window glass carried on a windy day; a dripping umbrella that you don’t know where to place; a bird-cage or a bowl of fish, that you don’t dare trust in the moving van. (See _Uglet_.)

To yamnoy is to move a ladder, or place it upright, or to carry a lawn mower home from the city.

_A patient husband ’twas, who bore A yamnoy, huge and bulky; It weighed a dozen pounds or more-- No wonder he was sulky._

_And as he ran to catch the car, More and still more disgusted, His yamnoy fell--and, with the jar, Two watermelons busted!_

=Yod=, _n._ 1. A ban, or restriction; a rule forbidding pleasant things. 2. A place where one must conform to the proprieties.

=Yod=, _v._ To behave circumspectly, or with conventional deportment.

=Yod´der-y=, _a._ Stiff, proper, formal; respectable.

Yes, you have to mind your p’s and q’s in a Christian Endeavor yod, or in the house of your best girl. Why, in some places, there is even a yod on the tango! (See _Ovotch_.)

Don’t you love to get into a place where there’s a yod on smoking? A temperance yod is not so bad--except that you can never get good food where they sell soft drinks.

Remember that restaurant they started a couple of years ago where evening dress was required? That business-suit yod killed it.

Poor little slangy Lulu, with the henna hair! When she was introduced to Millionaire Willie’s mother, she had so many yods on her that she didn’t dare squeak!

Remember that low-necked yod your aunt used to have? Why, nowadays, she wears double-décolleté in a trolley-car. No, those sanctimonious old yoddery days of yore are well gone by. Your wife smokes cigarettes now--your daughter’s skirts are slit up to the knee. However, there’s still a yod on woman suffrage, and we may hold ’em down. (See _Varm_.)

_There was a yod on swearing at The home of Mr. Badd, So this was how he had to spat, When he was good and mad:--_

_“Cognominate that blastoderm! You jacitating void, You go to Heligoland and squirm, You lepidopteroid!”_

=Yowf=, _n._ 1. One whose importance exceeds his merit. A rich, or influential fool. 2. Stupidness, combined with authority.

You find the yowf sitting at the Captain’s table on shipboard; and at the speakers’ dais at banquets. He is top-heavy with importance, and soggy with self-esteem.

Among the yowfs present were: The Mayor of the Small Town; a state senator; the Dock Commissioner; a bank president, two consuls, the Commandant of the Navy Yard, a police judge, and the Treasurer of the Wild Cat Club. (See _Edicle_.)

The yowf is long on dignity, and short on charm; but he has to be waited on first. The female yowf has a 46 bust measure, and is important mainly on account of her clothes.

It is always a yowf who gives the reception to visiting celebrities. He travels all over the world, and somehow, is able to mingle constantly with people with real brains. (See Machizzle.)

_The yowf was traveling on a pass-- And he was grand and fat. A Fourth Vice Presidential ass, Or something big like that._

_I could not bear him; so, one noon, I pricked him with a pin. He shrivelled, a collapsed balloon-- Naught but an empty skin!_

=Zeech=, _n._ 1. A person of too strong individuality. One whose personality dominates. 2. A monologuist or violent talker.

=Zeech´ous=, _a._ Lively, but tiresome; exhaustingly original.

The zeech is usually a good talker and a bad conversationalist; he colors the party, you have to take his tone. He may bring in the sunshine but he destroys those subtler half-lights which give atmosphere.

Curiously, the zeech is a great mixer and yet he will not mix; things must go his way. He is dynamic but has nothing in reserve. (See _Spuzz_.)

There are no surprises in the zeech--you know what he is going to do and say. You will laugh, but in the end be bored. He makes the party “go,” but prevents its being an occasion.

The zeech is conspicuous, brilliant--but exhausting.

You invite the zeech to dinner, and the first time you are enthusiastic about him. By the third, however, your wife ventures to say, “Oh, let’s not have him _this_ time!” (See _Cowcat_.)

_The zeech told stories without end, The life of all the party. He made no joke that could offend, He made us laugh so hearty!_

_But when at last the door was shut, She said, and hid a yawn, “Oh, he was_ so _amusing, but I’m very glad he’s gone!”_

=Zob´zib=, _n._ An amiable fool, a blunderer. One who is kind, but brainless.

=Zob´zib=, _v._ To act with misguided zeal.

The zobzib “means well”--but deliver us from our friends! He comes too early and he stays too late. He is always in the way. He calls just before dinner, but he will not sit down and dine with you. He is always “just going.” He is fond of picking out a tune on the piano with one finger.

When a zobzib enters, you just know he is going to break or tip over something, or spill claret on the table cloth. He will surely slip on the rug. He is a bull in a china shop, he is as hilarious as a wet Newfoundland dog. (See _Splooch_.)

The female zobzib gives you advice, “for your own good.” She asks you to buy tickets for church fairs and charity concerts.

A zobzib cannot help missing the train, he cannot help forgetting the theatre tickets. That’s why he’s a zobzib. (See _Rawp_.)

I’ve often thought I’d like to be a drunkard, so some nice, sweet zobzib would marry me, to reform me.

_A zobzib, with a rag and broom And dust-pan, came today; She came to tidy up my room, While I was far away._

_She left, and everything I need Was zobzibbed out of sight-- I can find nothing, but, indeed, That Zobzib_ “meant _all right!_”