Part 2

The saleswoman makes her living on the alibosh: “Yes, I think that hat is very becoming.” She doesn’t believe it, you don’t believe it--it’s only a part of the game--like the lies of horse-trading, the inspired notices of theatrical failures or a prospectus of a gold mine.

_The dentist, when he filled my tooth, Filled me with alibosh; He said it wouldn’t hurt, forsooth! I knew he lied, b’gosh!_

_But when he had one filled himself They took an ounce or two Of chloroform from off the shelf. No alibosh would do!_

=Bimp=, _n._ A disappointment, a futile rage.

=Bimp=, _v._ To cut, neglect, or forsake.

=Bimped=, _p.p._ Jilted, left.

As Mrs. Ezra P. McCormick stood in the middle of Myrtle Avenue at the corner of Grandview Street the trolley car came hurtling past, ten minutes behind time. Wildly she waved her parasol, but the car would not, did not stop! Mrs. McCormick got bimped. Her bimp was the more horrible, because the conductor turned and grinned at her, and three men on the rear platform laughed, for Mrs. McCormick was very fat. (See _Jurp_.)

Did you get that raise in your salary on New Year’s day, or did you get bimped? Were you forgotten on Christmas? Did you draw to a flush and fail to fill? You got bimped. Did you find you had no cash in your pocket when it came time to pay the waiter? Did that firm cancel its order? Bimps.

What did Mrs. Harris’s servant girl do on the very afternoon of the dinner party? She bimped Mrs. Harris! She packed her imitation-leather suitcase, grabbed her green umbrella and walked away.

The girl who stood “Waiting at the church” got the biggest bimp of all. (See _Agowilt_.)

Bimp not, that ye be not bimped! (See _Machizzle_.)

_I got a bimp, the other night, It bimped me good and hard; I drew to fill a flush, and got A different colored card._

_But still, I bluffed it out and won; A well-filed pot I crimped-- And three good hands of treys and pairs, And one full house, got bimped!_

=Bleesh=, _n._ 1. An unpleasant picture; vulgar or obscene art. 2. An offensive comic-supplement form of humor.

=Bleesh=, _a._ Revolting, disgusting, coarse.

Comic valentines are very bleesh; the newspaper “comic strip” with the impossible adventure ending in catastrophic brutality; stars, exclamation points and “Wows!” Especially a bull-dog, biting the seat of a man’s trousers and revolving like a pinwheel--this is a bleesh. (See _Frowk_.)

Crayon enlargements of photographs of your uncle in his Odd Fellows’ uniform are bleesh--Kodak snap-shots and flashlights of banquet groups.

Your practical-joking friend sends you bleesh foreign postcards from abroad; and your chauffeur revels in bleesh pictures of crime, with an X showing “where the body was found.”

To the Philistine of the Middle West, the nude in art is bleesh. To the eye-glassed school-ma’am of Brooklyn, the paintings of Cubists and Futurists are bleesher still. (See _Ovotch_.)

_I gazed upon a bleesh, and saw ’Twas stupid, crude and coarse; Its wit was dull, its art was raw, It had nor wit nor force._

_And then my niece, a virgin pure, But used to clever folk, Laughed at that bleesh till I was sure I’d somehow missed the joke._

=Blurb=, _n._ 1. A flamboyant advertisement; an inspired testimonial. 2. Fulsome praise; a sound like a publisher.

=Blurb=, _v._ 1. To flatter from interested motives; to compliment oneself.

On the “jacket” of the “latest” fiction, we find the blurb; abounding in agile adjectives and adverbs, attesting that this book is the “sensation of the year;” the blurb tells of “thrills” and “heart-throbs,” of “vital importance” and “soul satisfying revelation.” The blurb speaks of the novel’s “grip” and “excitement.” (See _Alibosh_.)

The circus advertiser started the blurb, but the book publisher discovered a more poignant charm than alliterative polysyllables. “It holds you from the first page--”

Now, you take this “Burgess Unabridged”--it’s got a jump and a go to it--it’s got a hang and a dash and a swing to it that pulls you right out of the chair, dazzles your eyes, and sets your hair to curling. It’s an epoch-making, heart-tickling, gorglorious tome of joy!

So, were not my publishers old-fashioned, would this my book be blurbed.

_If “Burgess Unabridged,” I say, “Fulfils a long-felt want,” Don’t mind my praise, nor yet the way In which I voice my vaunt._

_Don’t let my adjectives astute Your peace of mind disturb; It’s “bold,” it’s “clever” and it’s “cute,” And so is this my blurb!_

=Brip´kin=, _n._ 1. One who half does things; not a thoroughbred. 2. A suburbanite, commuter.

=Brip´kin=, _a._ Off color; second-rate; shabby-genteel, a little out of style.

The bripkin invites a girl to the theatre, but he takes her in a street-car--on a rainy night, too! The bripkin tips the waiter less than ten per cent. of his bill. He carries a cane, but does not wear gloves. He frequents the manicure, and wears near-silk shirts, with frayed cuffs. His hat is “the latest” but his coat sleeves are shiny.

The female bripkin has a button off her shoe; she wears white gloves, but they are badly soiled. She wears a three-quarter-length grey squirrel coat.

American champagne is bripkin--Key-West cigars and domestic beer, and imitation coffee. (See _Voip_.)

A bripkin umbrella is made of gloria.

The second-rate suburb of a great city is a bripkin, and so is he who dwells therein. He wears a watch-chain strung across his vest. (See _Mooble_.)

Bripkins are the marked-down gowns and suits, at the tail end of the season; and the green hat, “reduced from $18.75.”

_A Bripkin sat in a trolley car, And his eyes were bright and tiny; His collars and cuffs were slightly soiled, But his finger nails were shiny._

_A girl came in with run-over heels, And the Bripkin up and kissed her! But I knew, by her mangy ermine muff, That she was his Bripkin sister._

=Cow´cat=, _n._ 1. A person whose main function is to occupy space. An insignificant, or negligible personality. 2. A guest who contributes nothing to the success of an affair; one invited to fill up, or from a sense of duty. 3. An innocent bystander.

The cowcat will not talk, but oh, how he listens! How he watches! How he criticises! But why speak of the cowcat as “he”? They usually have large, black satin, placid abdomens, or else they are thin and nervous, with acid eyes. (See _Yowf_.)

How describe a cowcat? There’s nothing about it to describe. It’s a jelly-fish--a heavy jelly-fish, however. It sits upon your stomach, like a nightmare.

Cowcats fill hotel chairs, and the rockers of summer verandahs, knitting gossip. (See _Mooble_.)

Your wife’s relatives?

_The cowcats in the corners sat, And brooded ’gainst the wall, And some were thin and some were fat, But none would talk at all._

_The atmosphere grew thick and cold-- It had begun to jell, When I, with desperation bold, Arose, and gave a yell!_

=Critch=, _v._ 1. To array oneself in uncomfortable splendor.

=Critch´et-y=, _a._ 1. Conspicuous and stiff; garbed elaborately, especially on a hot day. 2. Painfully aware of one’s costume.

Oh, that stiff collar! That binding corset! Those burning feet in the tight shoes! Yes, you are critched, but at the same time you have the moral support of being becomingly and fashionably clad. A critch is half pride and half madness--it’s the martyrdom of fashion. (See _Vorge_.)

The unaccustomed exquisite in his hard boiled shirt, stiff cuffs and high collar stands critchety, but willing to endure the agonies of the aristocracy.

You may be too cool in decolleté, or too warm in your furs, but vanity vanquishes the critch.

You are critched when you have a picture taken, but that radiant smile survives. At private theatricals all the actors are critched with tights and swords and furbelows--trying to appear at ease. (See _Wowze_.)

The banker is critched with his silk hat in a high wind; and the dowager, as she carefully arranges her skirts when she is seated. But to be properly critched, you must be a Japanese countess, putting on stays for the first time in your artless, lavender life.

_A sovereign’s lot is sad and strange, For kings and queens, they say, Are all uneasy; they must change Their clothes ten times a day!_

_Ah, robes and uniforms and crowns Are glorious things, I know, And queens do wear expensive gowns-- They must be critchety, though!_

=Culp=, _n._ 1. A fond delusion; an imaginary attribute. 2. What one would like to be, or thinks oneself.

=Cul´pid=, _a._ 1. Visionary, non-existent. 2. Not proved; autohypnotized.

Many women have the culp that they are beautiful, men that they are irresistible, shrewd, or interesting.

A culpid actor is one who thinks he can act, but can’t. His culp is that he is making a hit. (See _Splooch_.)

The mother has the baby culp; but the infant to other eyes is not so wonderful.

The woman with the culpid taste thinks that no other woman knows how to dress. (See _Wumgush_.)

The author who has had three letters requesting his autograph, has the culp that he is popular.

That young man who stays till 11.45 P.M. has a culp that he has fascinated yawning Ysobel.

_She had a culp that she was fair, In fact, that she was pretty; Alas, she bought her beauty where They sold it, in the city._

_And now her culp is: Looks will lie; And her delight is huge-- She thinks that none suspects the dye, The powder and the rouge!_

=Di´a-bob=, _n._ 1. An object of amateur art; anything improbably decorated; hand-painted. 2. Any decoration or article of furniture manufactured between 1870 and 1890.

=Di-a-bob’i-cal=, _a._ Ugly, while pretending to be beautiful.

Who invented the diabob? The infamy is attributed to John Ruskin. At any rate, humble things began to lose the dignity of the commonplace; the rolling-pin became exotic in the parlor. The embroidery blossomed in hectic tidies, splashes and drapes. Hand-painting was discovered.

So, from the Spencerian skylark to the perforated “God Bless Our Home.” Now the jigsaw was master; now, the incandescent point that tortured wood and leather into nightmare designs. Plaques began their vogue. (See _Gefoojet_.)

Diabobical was the hammered brasswork; diabobical the sofa cushion limned with Gibson heads. The decorative fan, genteel; the pampas grass, dyed bright purple; the macramé bags and the seaweed pictures passed; came the embossed pictures stuck on bean-pots and molasses jugs; came the esthetic cat-tail and piano-lamp, “A Yard of Daisies,” and burnt match receivers and catch-alls, ornamented by the family genius.

Ah, Where are the moustache cups of yesteryear?

_This object made of celluloid, This thing so wildly plushed,-- How grossly Art has been annoyed! How Common Sense has blushed!_

_And yet, these diabobs, perhaps Are scarcely more_ outré _Than pictures made by Cubist chaps, Or Futurists, today!_

=Dig´mix=, _n._ 1. An unpleasant, uncomfortable, or dirty occupation. 2. A disagreeable or unwelcome duty.

=Dig´mix=, _v._ To engage in a necessary but painful task.

The type of the digmix is cleaning fish. At first it is disgusting, untidy, uncomfortable. Then, you begin to enjoy it, rather; and finally, as the clean, finished product of your skill appears, there is the refreshing sense of duty well done. (See _Gloogo_.)

So with all household digmixes, stuffing feathers into pillows, peeling onions, taking up carpets, putting up stove pipes, beating rugs, attending to the furnace and washing dishes. You loathe the work, but, when it is finished, you’re so glad you did it.

The mental digmix is less satisfactory, but just as necessary. Discharging the cook is a digmix. Breaking the news of a death, refusing a man who has proposed, explaining just why you came home at 2 A.M., accompanying a child to a dentist’s, getting a divorce, waiting on a querulous invalid, having a lawsuit with a neighbor,--all are digmixes. (See _Moosoo_.)

Why, to some, the mere eating of an orange or a grape fruit is a digmix! They feel as if they ought to take a bath and then go straight to bed.

But why enlarge upon a painful subject? After all, life is just one digmix after another.

_Poor Jones was in a digmix--he Had blown his right front tire; He worked from half past one till three; Oh, how he did perspire!_

_But that was not what crazed his mind; A digmix worse than that Confronted him--he had to find That day a good, cheap flat!_

=Dril´lig=, _n._ A tiresome lingerer; a button-holer.

=Dril´li-ga-tor=, _n._ Same as drillig.

=Dril´li-gate=, _v._ 1. To detain a person when he wants to go to work or get away. 2. To talk unceasingly at an inconvenient time.

He rings you up on the telephone, or she rings you up, and drilligates you by the hour, if you are too kind-hearted to hang up the receiver. Of course she has nothing important to say; you know she is leaning back in her chair, smiling, and eating chocolates. (See _Lallify_.)

The drillig calls in the rush hours of business, sits down, crosses his legs, and nothing moves except his mouth. He is never busy and never hurried. He catches you on the street corner, holds you by the button or lapel, in the middle of a cursing stream of pedestrians, and tells you a long, dull story. “Just a minute, now, I just want to tell you about--” The Ancient Mariner was a drillig. (See _Xenogore_.)

The public speaker at the banquet rises with a bland smile and looks at his watch. “The hour is so late,” he says, “and there are so many more interesting speakers to be heard from, that I shall detain you with only a few words--” and he drilligs on for an hour and six minutes by the clock.

The drillig catches you in a corner at the club and tells you the story of his play; the young mother nails you to the sofa with her smile, and drilligs you about Baby.

The book agent, anchored in the front door at meal times, is the master drilligator of them all. (See _Persotude_.)

_I was rushing for the station, Had to catch the 5.11, When he caught me, seized a button, And began to talk--Oh, Heaven!_

_For the Drillig was a golfer, And I knew he’d talk his fill; So I cut that button off my coat-- He is talking to it still!_

=Ed´i-cle=, _n._ 1. One who is educated beyond his intellect; a pedant. 2. One who is proficient in theory, but poor in practice.

In old times, they spoke of “Book learning” and worshiped the edicled fool. But we are wiser today and know the hollowness of the edicle.

The edicle is the college professor who has listened to his own talk so long that he has mistaken knowledge for wisdom. The book-worm who has learned to believe that literature is greater than life. (See _Snosh_.)

A woman is an edicle, who prates “new thought” and juggles the trite phrases of a philosophy too heavy for her comprehension. (See _Orobaldity_.) A man is an edicle when he quotes Browning or Karl Marx or Herbert Spencer. Most clergymen are edicles, and persons who rave over pictures they don’t understand.

The book reviewer who can’t write a book himself, is an edicle. The dramatic critic is an edicle, for he has failed as a playwright. (See _Yowf_.)

The college girl who can’t cook is an edicle; the young medico, newly graduated, with an “M.D.” painted on him still fresh, and wet and green,--a mere mass of quivering Latin words. All editors are edicles.

_Josephus is an edicle, A Doctor wise is he; Oh, no!--not doctor medical-- Only a Ph. D._

_His brain is like a phonograph’s, And he would starve, unless He’d started writing monographs On “How to BE Success._”

=Ee´got=, _n._ 1. A fair-weather friend; one who is over-friendly with a winner. A success-worshiper.

=Ee´goid=, _a._ 1. Self-interested, mercenary.

The eegot slaps the favorite sprinter on the back and cheers him on, but switches interest when he fails to finish. The eegot takes the popular side of every subject, curries favor with the rich and prosperous, and is attentive to the belle of the ball.

Four feet away from the popular hero, and you will find the eegots clustered close. (See _Elp._)

The eegot votes for the one whom he thinks will win--he believes that the rich can do no wrong.

The eegot always wears “the latest,” and reads only “the best sellers.” (See _Ovotch_.)

He suddenly discovers his poor country cousin,--after she has married the Lieutenant-Governor.

Molasses draws flies--prosperity breeds the egoid parasite.

_When you are rich and great and grand, The eegot needs you badly; He wags his tail, he licks your hand, He lets you kick him gladly._

_But when your fortune’s gone, and fame, Where is the eegot then? Oh, he is capering just the same-- But now for other men!_

=Elp=, _n._ 1. A tricky, sly or subtle person; one who evades his responsibilities. 2. An ingenious ruse; sharp practice.

=El´pine=, _a._ Disappointing; plausibly apologetic.

The elp is a clever promiser, who doesn’t make good. You never can pin him down,--he always escapes you. He won’t do what he has promised, or pay his debts; but his explanations are always all-but-convincing.

The tradesman is an elp, who promises to deliver those provisions in time for dinner, and always has a good excuse. The ladies’ tailor is an elp--the suit is never done on time. (See _Goig_.)

At the employment agency, the elps abound. They are always “sure to come” on Thursday. Friday and Saturday pass by.

The elp never quite knows, but would never confess his ignorance. It is impossible to get him to say either “Yes” or “No.”

Most infamous among the elps is the philandering suitor, who is attentive to you for years and years, keeping serious men away, and yet who will not propose. (See _Xenogore_.)

_He promised he would pay in June-- Then August--then September; And then he sang the same old tune: He promised for December._

_His sister died--his wife fell ill-- His brother needed help; And I believed his tales, until I saw he was an elp._

=Fid´gel-tick=, _n._ Food that it is a bore to eat; anything requiring painstaking and ill-requited effort. 2. A taciturn person, one from whom it is hard to get information.

The fidgeltick tastes good, but is it really worth while? Come now,--doesn’t salad really bore you--unless it is served, as in California, at the beginning of a meal, while you are still hungry? Broiled live lobster! How succulent, yet how meagre its reward to the appetite! Frogs’ legs are fidgelticks, and shad and grape fruit and pistachios. Why can’t such tasteful delicacies be built with the satisfactory architecture of the banana? The artichoke gives perhaps the minimum of reward with the maximum of effect. (See _Voip_.)

And who does not flinch at a Bent’s water cracker?

To make cranberry sauce with the skins in, and cherry pie with the stones, should be against the law.

So it is, to extract information from a railroad official after an accident. Interviewing the master of a steamer is like getting the meat out of a butternut, or the flesh out of a shrimp. Sooner or later, you will give him up in discouragement. He’s a fidgeltick! (See _Jurp_.)

Politely you inquire of a ticket seller at the theatre; you might as well talk with a foreigner, or a deaf man. All, all are fidgelticks!

_I wish that I could eat as fast As actors, on the stage; Five minutes does a dinner last-- No fidgelticks enrage._

_If they should dine on soft boiled eggs In some new problem play, Or lobsters broiled, or frogs’ hind legs-- What would the actors say?_

=Floo´i-jab=, _n._ 1. A cutting remark, disguised in sweetness. 2. A ladylike trouble-maker.

=Floo´i-jab=, _v._ To make a sarcastic comment in a feminine manner.

=Floo-i-jab´ber-y=, _n._ Feline amenity.

For the flooijab of commerce, see the typical Ethel-Clara dialogues in the comic papers; and yet, one cannot describe the tone--the sugared smile that gives the shot its sting. (See _Varm_.)

Anent women’s looks, the flooijabs fly fastest.

“Oh, yes, Helen _used_ to be a very beautiful girl!”

“We’re not so young as we used to be, but you do look awfully pretty, _today_.”

“No,--I don’t think you look a day older,--except when you are tired.”

“I’m _so_ delighted that you are engaged to Harry! How did you do it--‘holding the thought’?”

“They do say she’s awfully fast--but I never noticed anything--I think she’s sweet. Too bad she’s talked about so!”

“I think you gave an awfully good performance--of course, you weren’t a Bernhardt, but then ...” (See _Wumgush_.)

“I’m so sorry you didn’t make good; it’s a shame! I think you did awfully well, really!”

“I thought your little story was so good. I suppose influence with the editors counts a lot,--doesn’t it?”

_You think they talk of men and mice, Of operas, and cabs; Ah no! Beneath those phrases nice, They’re shooting flooijabs._

_No man can know--but women may Interpret women’s smiles-- It’s what they mean--not what they say, That stings in women’s wiles._

=Frime=, _n._ 1. An educated heart. 2. One who always does the right thing at the right time; a person who can be depended upon in time of need.

The mind is cultivated until it is hypercivilized, but where is the educated heart? The frime, like the fool, is born, not made; no one has told him when to speak and when to remain silent, or when to laugh and when to cry. (See _Zobzib_.)

The frime knows when you are hungry, when you are thirsty and when you would be let alone. He speaks a person’s name so clearly when he introduces you that you can actually understand.

The frime knows when to come and when to go; he makes the lion as comfortable as the humblest guest. He sends you fruit instead of flowers. The frime knows the etiquette of life and love and death; he likes you in spite of your faults. As a lover, he never makes you or himself ridiculous. As a consoler, he is never guilty of that most ironic bromide: “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” (See _Spuzz_.)

_When I was down and out, one time-- Believe me, ’twasn’t funny!-- I chanced upon a thorough frime; Unasked, he lent me money._

_When I was rich, and he was poor I lent to help his need; And did he pay it back?, Why, sure! There was a frime, indeed!_

=Fud=, _n._ 1. In a state of déshabille, or confusion. 2. A mess, or half-done job.

=Fud´dy=, _a._ Disordered, untidy, unkempt.

What is a fud? A woman in curl papers and her oldest kimona. A man in his shirt-sleeves with his suspenders hanging from two buttons, down behind. It is a half built house; half cooked potatoes on the back of the stove. Anyone in stocking feet. (See _Frowk_.)

No one can help being fuddy, at times, so long as there is house-cleaning and moving to be done; but some fuds are fuddier than others. A house that is being reshingled, for instance, is far less fuddy than an actress washing greasepaint off her face, or stumbling in a peignoir through a Pullman car, her hair tousled, to reach the dressing-room. (See _Spigg_.)

Ellen’s top bureau drawer is fuddy, after she has tried to find “that veil.” The parlor and library are fuddy after the reception.

It’s an unpleasant subject. Let us end it, with the mention of half-dried wash and unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink. (See _Uglet_.)

_I call you fuddy--how severe My accents disapproving! And yet, you cannot help it, dear, Alas, for we are moving!_