Chapter 2
June 27, 186---i havent wrote ennything about school becaus i dident like school and dident like to think about it. the fellers is all rite and we have sum fun playing base ball and foot ball and corram and duck on a rock and nigger baby. but we have to study like time and they aint hardly enny fites becaus if 2 fellers has a fite old Francis licks time out of them and recess aint very interestin if they aint enny fites. school closes tomorrow and i am so glad i dont know what to do. i gess old Francis wanted to celibrait today for he licked 9 fellers. Skipy Moses for paisting Medo Thirsten in the eye with a spit ball and Chitter Robinson for not singing in tune and he cant if he wanted to so what is the sence of licking him i dont see and Pewt for putting a carpit tack in Pheby Taylors seat. Pheby he is a feller you know and when he set on it he gumped up lively and let out a yell. Pheby dident tell he aint that kind of a feller but old Francis seamed to know it was Pewt and snached him bald headed in two minits and Whacker Chadwick for wrighting a note to a girl and Pozzy Chadwick for maiking up a face at him when he was licking Whack and Bug Chadwick for telling him to stop when he was licking Pozzy. the Chadwicks all got licked the same day. it aint the ferst time eether by a long chork and Skinny Bruce for drawing sumthing on the school house fence that hadent aught to be drew and Pacer Gooch for calling Gran Miller a nigger and he is a nigger whitch dont seem rite to me and Human Nudd, his name is Harman but we call him Human for wrighting with a squeaky slate pensil. he hadent enny other. i gess old Francis gnew this was his last day for licking for he never licks on Xibition day but is as nice as pye.
June 28, 186---Gosh school is over. i cant hardly beleeve it. lots of peeple come in today and of course all the good boys and girls spoke peaces and direlogs and done xamples on the blackboard. Huh i am glad i am not a good scholar and a faveret of the teecher. last of all we give old Francis a silver pensil on a chane. the wirst of it was i had to chip in ten cents. the Chadwicks give a dollar. Whack sed that if he had gnew that they were all 3 going to be licked yesterday they wood have spent the dollar and woodent have given nothing. they needed that dollar two. ennyway school is out till September hurray.
June 29st. i just took it eezy to-day. the ferst day of vacation always seams to me like when you find a five cent peace in a pair of your last years britches. you can spend it for ennything you want and you havent got to save it or put it in your bank or by sumthing that you need. so yesterday after school closed i split up wood enuf for today and sunday, and today i just dident do nothing. a man and 2 wimen hired my boat and wanted me to row them up river but i told them i had a weak arm.
one of the wimen said poar boy what is the matter with it and i sed it dident know but it trubles me a good deal. then the other one sed whitch arm is it and i sed the right one and she sed you must be lefthanded and i sed yes i am a little. i lied about that but i dident lie about my week arm or about my truble with it. both my arms is week. if they wasent i cood lick Pewt and it trubles me becaus my arms is so skinny. the fellers laff at my legs two.
well the man hired my boat and i went with them and the man rew all the way and i had a good time only i had to be cairful to keep my right hand in my jacket pocket most of the time and point out things to them with my left hand. ennyway i cood row with one hand better than that man cood with too. he splashed and cougt crabs and once his heels went up and he went rite over on his back the wimen laffed and he laffed two.
June 30, 186---brite and fair. i gnew it wood be. we had a new minister today. old mister minister preeched sumwhere elce but he come back in the afternoon to sunday school and started his club. everybody had to join. most of the fellers dident want to. Chick Chickering says he is glad he dont go to our chirch becaus if he did he coodent colect enny more butterflise and kill them with ether and stick them in a box with a pin. Chicks father is a minister two and he goes fishing and birdseging and butterfliing with Chick. i am glad my father isent a minster but if he was i wood want him to be like Chick Chickerings father. Gosh i always laff when i think of father being a minister.
he woodent be getting up clubs to save the lifes of flise and snaiks and intch wirms and moth millers and cockroches, but he wood gnock enny feller pizzle end upwards that raised time in chirch. today we had to a sine a book and pay five cents and promise not to take the life of animal or bird or reptil or insex.
Pop Clark asked what a feller had augt to do if a mad dog come down the street fomeing at the mouth and biting and taring rite and lef, or if a poizen adder or ratlesnaik coiled round your hine leg. the minister sed if it caim to be a question of the life of a human being or of an animal or a reptil of coarse the life of a human being shood be spaired. so he has got sum sence but not mutch.
June 31, 186---i ment July 1, brite and fair. hoap it wont rane on the 4th. jest as soon as vacation comes i have a lot of gobs to do. spliting wood and going errands and cleening out the cellers and the barn and wirking in the garden. i woder what peeple think a vacation is for. i try to do evrything mother wants becaus in 3 days it will be the 4th.
July 2, 186---only 1 day after this before the 4th. i went up to Pewts today. he has borowed Harris Cobbs cannon. it is an old lunker. Pewt says if you put in six fingers of powder and wads and then fill it to the muzle with grass and ram it tite it will shaik the winders all over town.
July 3, 186---tomorrow is the 4th. i am going to get up at 3 oh clock. father says that is the erliest and if i get up one minit before that i wont go out at all. it seams to me 3 oh clock is prety lait. sum of the fellers stay out all nite.
July 5. brite and fair. i was so tired last nite that i coodent wright. i dident go to bed until nearly leven and i got up at 3 oh clock. it was the best 4th i ever had. Pewt's cannon xploded the ferst time. we loded it to the muzle and put the muzle rite agenst the stone step of old Nat Weeks house. then we lit the fusee and run. i gess it is lucky we done it for there was a feerful bang and a big flash jest like when litening strikes a tree rite in front of your house and a big hunk of that cannon went rite throug old Bill Greenleafs parlor winder and took sash and all and gnocked a glass ship in a gloab that the glassblewers blowed into forty million peaces and gnocked a big hunk out of the marbel top table and sent the things on the whatnot all over the room.
Bill he come downstairs in his shert tale and hollered and swore so you cood hear him fer eigt miles eesy. me and Pewt and Beany hid behine Pewts fathers paint shop and lissened. Nat Weeks he come out and old printer Smith and old Bill Morrill. Old Ike Shute dident. i gess he dident dass to. we cood hear them talking it over and cood hear Bill holler and sware and Bills wife say mersy sakes aint this dredful. they thogt it must have been did by Flunk Ham and Chick Randall or the Warren boys, all big fellers becaus they sed it must be big fellers to have sutch a big cannon. so me and Pewt and Beany clim over Fifields back fence and went down town throug Spring street.
Beany set fire to a bunch of fire crackers in his poket and birnt him so he can only sit down on one side. Fatty Melcher stumped Pewt to hold a firecracker in his mouth and let it go off. it is eezy enuf. all you have got to do is to put the end between your teeth and lite the other end and shet your eys. it will go off and burst in the middle and all you will get is a few sparks that dont hurt mutch. but this one was a flusher and it flushed at the end whitch was in Pewts mouth and a stream of sparks went rite down Pewts gozzle. you would have dide to see Pewt spitt and holler and drink water. he drank most a gallon and he wont speak to me becaus laffed.
All the Chadwicks got birned when they was blowing up old Buzell's fence posts, they was lots of fites down town and a house on Franklin Street and a barn on Stratam road birned up. it was the best 4th i ever gnew. Father sed about 2 more 4ths and he wood go out of bisiness.
i sed 2 4ths is eigt and he sed dont you try to be funny. if you do you will get a bat in the ear. so i shet up. when father says that it is about time to shet up.
July 6, brite and fair. saterday again. it is funny when i am in school i am crasy for it to be saterday but when it is vacation i hate to have saterday come. it means 2 things that aint very good. one is that another weak of vacation has gone and the other is that the next day is sunday both of whitch is prety tuf. tonite me and father went in swimming at the gravil. we had a good swim and then we floted down river. it was warm and the treetoads was crokeing and a peewee was peeweeing high up in a elm tree and bats was fliing and it was fine. evry now and then a fish wood splash or a mushrat dive.
when we got home all the folks was setting on the front steps and we got talking about the doodlebug club. father he calls it that. father sed they aint no fool like a dam fool and sed that once when he was in school his teecher old Ellis the father of Rody Ellis that i went to school to used to paist time out of the fellers jest for nothing. so the fellers they got prety sick of it and one day Jim Melcher and of coarse father, he and Jim Melcher always went together and Charles Taylor two and Oliver Lane and 2 or 3 others went out and batted down about a pint of bumblebeas with shingles. they got stang 2 or 3 times a peace but no feller minds being stang in a good caus. so the next day they went to school erly and poured all them ded beas in his old lether seat.
well old Ellis come in and rung the bell and sed prair and paisted time out of 2 or 3 fellers for exercise and toar the sherts off 2 or 3 others for old acquantence saik so father sed and then he set down hard in his chair and more than forty of the stings of them ded bumblebeas riggid in deth so father sed ran rite into him. well he let out a yell you cood have heard at Hampton Beach and gumped
rite over his desk and run out of the school house howling and holding hisself in both hands and sweling up feerful in grate aggony. and father he sed he was stang in forty seven places and swole up so that they had to get old killpigger Haley i mean pig killer Haley to get his briches off with a skining knife.
i wonder if old mister minister wood like bumblebeas if we done that to him.
July 7, rany as time. i thought i woodent have to go to chirch but what do you think it cleered up and the sun come out a hour before chirch. how is that for tuf luck.
July 8, rany not hard but drissly. i wood have went fishing today but there was a thunder shower this morning and fish wont bite after thunder but go down in deep holes and lay still. this afternoon we had the meating of the club. the minister talked lots and ansered questions. i asted him if we had aught to tare down spiders webs becaus they kiled flise. he sed yes then i asted him if the spider woodent starve to deth if he coodent ketch flise. then he sed spiders was sumtimes poizinus and i asted him if he had ever been bit by a horsefli. then we had speeking and Beany spoke his peace about
god made the little fli but if you crush it it will die
and then my sister Cele spoke the peace
do you know how meeny flise fli about in the warm sun
and the minister clapt his hands and we all did two.
then Tomtit Thompson sed he had a new peace about insex and the minister asted him to speak it and Tomtit dident want to, but the minister sed he had aught to be willing to help out in a good caus. Tomtit he sed he was afrade the minister woodent like it but the minister sed he was very sure he wood like it and so Tomtit he stood up and made a bow and sed his peace and it was jest bully.
now i lay me down to sleep while the bedbugs round me creap if one should bite before i waik i hope to god his jaw will braik
and what do you think the minister he got mad and told Tommy he was a bran from the birning and a apostate. i thought they wasent but 12 apostates ever and wasent enny now but that is what he called Tommy and he throwed him out of the club by the ear, wisht it had been me.
Well after Tommy had went the minister talked to us about how wicked it was for Tommy to use the name of god in sutch a conexion. I asted him why it was wicked to use it in conexion with a bedbugg when it wasent wicked to use it in conexion with a fli like Beanys peace and my sister Celes and he sed one was used in the spirrit of love and the other in the spirrit of hate. then we sung a hynm and went home. i wish i was Tomtit Thompson.
July 9, 186---brite and fair. gosh what do you think. the committy of the chirch came to our house today and asted mother if she wood have the minister to supper as it was her tirn. mother sed certenly i wood be very glad to entertain him. after the committee left i sed gosh mother you told a awful whacker to them old wimmen when you sed you wood be glad to do it dident you. mother she laffed and sed peraps it woodent be as deliteful as it mite be but she wood try hard to be glad to do it and if i wood do my part and all the rest wood we cood give him a good supper and it woodent hurt us to do it. so we have all got to duff in.
July 10, it is going to be a weak from Friday nite that the minister is coming. Friday nite is the nite they have prair meeting and he will have to go prety soon after supper so he wont be there very long. aunt Sarah she sed what if he invites us to go and mother she sed she gessed father wood have a prety good xcuse ready. she never gnew him to fale. mother sed that 10 days wood give her time to get ready. we have all got to wirk. then mother sed she wood have to warn father not to say ennything tuf and warn the children not to speak when the minister was saying grace and not to notice the new napkins and thing like that and that she had got to sweep evry room and wash all the winders and rub up the silver and the caster and the caik baskit.
when father come hom tonite mother she told him about having the minister to supper and father sed gosh what for. and mother she sed George that is a nice way to speak about a minister and father he sed why can't you let me take him down to old Eph Cuttlers and get him a stake and sum fride potatoes and about 4 fingers of fusil oil whiskey and it wood do him a pile of good. mother she sed i am ashaimed of you George for talking so. why cant you take it serius and father he sed it is serius ennuf and i am trying not to burst into teers over it. honest if you wood let me take him to Hirveys resterant it wood save you a lot of truble. but mother sed no we must do our part and father he sed gosh he suposed so but it was tuf. then father he sed i suppose you wont dast to bat out the flise if he comes. then Beany hollered for me and i dident hear eny more.
July 11, brite and fair. i have got an idea. me and Pewt and Beany are goin to talk it over tonite. we are going to have chicken and gelly and hot bisquit and custereds and cold ham and cookys and whips and lots of other things for supper friday nite. Keene and Cele are going to sing shall we gather at the river and theres a chirch in the valley by the wild wood. father wanted them to sing little brown gug how i love thee and we'll all drink stone blind when Johnny comes marching home and Sally come up Sally come down Sally come twist your heal around the old man has gone to town Sally come up in the middle but mother sed no they must sing good chirch songs.
July 12, Keene and Cele and i washed the winders upstairs today. i had to lug about 2 million pales of water. i asted mother what was the use of washing the upstairs winders for him as he wasent going to stay over nite. father he sed if we fed him two mutch he mite have the collick and have to be put to bed and perhaps stay 2 weaks. he sed we must be cairful and not feed him to hy.
July 13, brite and fair, we washed the downstairs winders today. darn the minister ennyway.
July 14, brite and fair of coarse. sunday went to chirch of coarse, also sunday school. more tuf luck. the minister cant come Friday but will come Thirsday so he will have a hoal evening with us. gosh.
July 15, had to raik up the yard. i aint been fishing hardly this summer. darn the minister.
July 16, or ennywhere else eether. today i had to cleen the barn and woodshed and pile the wood up neet. i wonder who they think is entertaneing the minister ennyway. darn him to darnation. i hoap nobody will ever see this diry.
July 17. we are all nerly ded. mother and aunt Sarah has been cooking all day. Keene and Cele have been practising hynm tunes and i of coarse have did most all the wirk. Pewt and Beany come over tonite and fixed up what we shall do to the minister. jest you wait and see old mister minister. i bet mother wil be glad and Aunt Sarah two. Tomorrow the minister comes. i bet he will wish he dident.
July 18, brite and fair. we have had a grate time. i never had sutch a time in my life. i gess nobody ever did befoar. everyone is in bed xausted but me. they think i am in bed but i am wrighting this. last nite me and Beany and Pewt talked over what we shood do to the minister. i told them what father done to old man Ellis and Pewt wanted to do that but i thot perhaps i mite not get the rite chair to put the bumblebeas in and if father set on them i mite as well run away to sea. then peeple has been knowed to tare off their britches when they are stang by the hornits and bumblebeas and if the minister done that it would be very mortifiing to my mother and my aunt Sarah and my sisters Keene and Cele.
so we desided that woodent be proper althoug we wanted to like time. then Beany wanted to put a live snaik in his hat, but we desided the snaik wood scare mother and my aunt Sarah and my two sisters to deth. then Pewt he sed less dig up some of those red stink wirms behine the barn and put a handfull in his hat. you know they smell so that you have to use soft soap and sand and scrub your hands 2 or 3 days before you can get it off. so neether of us wanted to tuch one.
then i sed mother is going to set the table and put on all the chicken and gelly and butter and cake and creem and everything and cover them with the fli screens and shet the doors and have nobody go in until super is ready. super is to be at six and she is going to have evrything ready at five and then they are all going upstairs and dress up in their best and curl Celes hair and ty up Keenes hair with a red ribon becaus her hair wont curl and dress Georgie and Annie and Frank and the baby and maik father put on a cleen coler and shert and black his boots and promise to be cairful not to say ennything that would shok the minister, so i sed less go in the kitchen and ketch about 2 million flise and put them under the fli screnes, and they sed i was a buster to think it up.
well at five oh clock the table was all set and it looked fine. i never see it look so good. so after the folks had went up stairs me and Pewt and Beany clim into the kitchen and cougt a bushel of flise and tiptode into the dining room and lifted up the screnes and put them under. after we had prety near filled the screnes we tiptode out.
well father he came home and swoar when he had to put on a cleen shert and coler and i blacked his boots. i have to do evrything of coarse. that is what i am for so evryone thinks. mother had on her black silk dress with some lase round her neck and Aunt Sarah two and the girls was all dressed up and father two and they all looked fine. mother looked the best. she always does and Aunt Sarah the next. Keene sed i hadent blacked the back part of my shoes and that wasent enny of her business and so i told her to shet up and she made a face and run out her tung. then father he sed now if you two children begin enny of that you will go to bed lifely. so we both shet up. well we wated and wated and the minister dident come and we wated sum more and the minister dident come and i got scart, becaus if he dident come the folks woodent see the goke and i wood get time paisted out of me. well finally the bell rung and Cele went to the door. Keene was mad because she coodent and she started to run out her tung at Cele and then she remembered what father sed and she stoped just in time.
sure enuf it was the minister and he sed he was delade because he had to reprove thoughtless boys whitch were ketching small and innosent fish with sharp hooks. father whispered to me that is a hell of a reeson for keeping a man starving to deth and i laffed but nobody paid attension to me. well they all shook hands with the minister and Cele made a curtsy and sed tea is ready and we all marched out into the dining room mother and the minister first, then father and Aunt Sarah and then Keene and Cele and then the little ones and Georgie and i come last as i always do when there aint enny wirk to do.
well as soon as they got in i herd them all draw a long breth and then Aunt Sarah sed for mersey sakes and mother she sed for heavens sake and father he sed for goddlemity sakes and the minister he sed my greef what a disgusting site. well you cood hardly see the things to eat they was so covered with flise. then i winked at mother and sed
god made the little fli and if you crush it it will die
and then i winked again but mother she dident laff back and father grabed me by the neck and sed did you do this devilish thing and he shook me till i cood hardly say yes, when mother made him put me down. then she sed what did you do sutch a dredful thing for and when i heard her voice i woodent have did it for a $1000, and i sed becaus the minister was all the time preeching not to kill flise and mother and all of us was all the time more you dident kill them the more you had to flap out and it got so that you dident dass to eat a piece of currant cake or blewbery bred for feer it wasent what you thought it was and mother she sed and then i stoped quick for i dident want to get mother in a scraip but she sed go on and tell it all.